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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
TooDevastated

My sister, TooDevastated

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Again one more weekend without him and missing him terribly, today morning my sister shout on me for my mistake and that reminds me how he used to get angry bcs of this mistake and I started crying not bcs i feel bad my sister shouted but it was like what if he would be here and see all this crap done by me.

I know.  I've been able to manage for the most part through many of the past weekends.  However, this past weekend has proven to be challenging.  Here in the U.S., most of us had a 4-day weekend because of the Thanksgiving Holiday.   On Thursday, I spent most of the day with family.   It was difficult because it was different, but I've made it through.  Yesterday, Friday, so far was the most difficult.  I didn't have anything planned so I stayed at home by myself, knowing that typically my wife would be home with me.  But I was home alone, while most other people are probably in their own home or are happy together with their family.  It sucks big time.  It's a life sentence like others have said.     

In the past months, I've learned to be functional as a person... which I already discussed my prior post here.  But I just have to repeat it.  Being functional doesn't mean we are happy, content, or have any desire to live our life.   I have never been this sad before in my life and I really don't know how to do this.  No one knows.   Most people have already moved on or have decided to handle their grief differently (ie. runaway, forget about it, don't think about it).  But I'm stuck here living the life of hell.

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12 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know.  I've been able to manage for the most part through many of the past weekends.  However, this past weekend has proven to be challenging.  Here in the U.S., most of us had a 4-day weekend because of the Thanksgiving Holiday.   On Thursday, I spent most of the day with family.   It was difficult because it was different, but I've made it through.  Yesterday, Friday, so far was the most difficult.  I didn't have anything planned so I stayed at home by myself, knowing that typically my wife would be home with me.  But I was home alone, while most other people are probably in their own home or are happy together with their family.  It sucks big time.  It's a life sentence like others have said.     

In the past months, I've learned to be functional as a person... which I already discussed my prior post here.  But I just have to repeat it.  Being functional doesn't mean we are happy, content, or have any desire to live our life.   I have never been this sad before in my life and I really don't know how to do this.  No one knows.   Most people have already moved on or have decided to handle their grief differently (ie. runaway, forget about it, don't think about it).  But I'm stuck here living the life of hell.

My last month was similar to your month, i started functional but this month again so difficult. I feel the same stuck feeling, peoples living their life with their families and i am all alone.

My mom came to my place today for me but nothing giving me happiness now, i don't care actually, i am so harsh now. I don't care if anyone coming or not , this is the hardest time i have ever experienced and the worst thing is that we have to live like this forever.

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

Being functional doesn't mean we are happy, content, or have any desire to live our life.   I have never been this sad before in my life and I really don't know how to do this.  

Well I think you said better than I never could, yes we woke up, eat, do, manage to do several taks, but and this is a big BUT, happiness is not longer part of my life, I am angry all the time they said this will be up and downs, for me have been more downs than ups, not a single day have been past when I woke up and curse my existence because I am tired of living 

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I envy TooDevastated, too.  After my husband passed away, I found out I am no longer fear of death.  I am sure 95% of the people who lost their spouses have the same kind of feeling.   I expressed I didn’t want to live longer, and immediately got scolded by my family members.  How do I dare to die.  My parents are still alive.   I don’t have the luxury to die.  I have a kid of minor age to take care.  I thought I am getting a bit better, but while I was walking in the mall today, my tears came down like a stream.  I momentarily got angry with my husband.  Why he left so early.  Being in the crowed environment, my heart still feels lonely, empty & so sad.  I am skeptical of afterlife.  I really wish there is afterlife.  If there is no afterlife, I have to live my life anyway, which is so terrible.

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19 hours ago, Azipod said:

Being functional doesn't mean we are happy, content, or have any desire to live our life.

No but it's a good first step.  I see you proceeding...the rest, well, it takes a very very long time.  One day at a time is how we make it through this.

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On 11/25/2017 at 10:51 AM, LoveGoli said:

My last month was similar to your month, i started functional but this month again so difficult. I feel the same stuck feeling, peoples living their life with their families and i am all alone.

My mom came to my place today for me but nothing giving me happiness now, i don't care actually, i am so harsh now. I don't care if anyone coming or not , this is the hardest time i have ever experienced and the worst thing is that we have to live like this forever.

Stuck without happiness is where we are at.    Our life is almost like a card game these days.  We're given a hand where we don't want and cannot accept.  We cannot accept it because it is too terrifying to travel down this lifelong journey of grief.  We don't want it because of the same reason.  So we are stuck.  We are in a purgatory suffering for a crime that we did not commit. Gone are the days of happiness, freedom, and joy.   Gone are the days where we can gaze into our partner's eyes and know that everything will be fine.   Now, the days are dark and somber.  The days are left with constant worries, fear, anxiety, grief, and intense pain.   We will continue down this journey until we reach the end.... whenever and wherever that is.   Until something magical or mystical happens in our life ..... taking it each day at a time simply means we are agreeing to live in a hell for every day to come.

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15 hours ago, LoveD said:

I envy TooDevastated, too.  After my husband passed away, I found out I am no longer fear of death.  I am sure 95% of the people who lost their spouses have the same kind of feeling.   I expressed I didn’t want to live longer, and immediately got scolded by my family members.  How do I dare to die.  My parents are still alive.   I don’t have the luxury to die.  I have a kid of minor age to take care.  I thought I am getting a bit better, but while I was walking in the mall today, my tears came down like a stream.  I momentarily got angry with my husband.  Why he left so early.  Being in the crowed environment, my heart still feels lonely, empty & so sad.  I am skeptical of afterlife.  I really wish there is afterlife.  If there is no afterlife, I have to live my life anyway, which is so terrible.

I feel so validating to hear so many people "envy" her.  I truly feel that she is lucky to be where she is at now.   

Like you, I've always been afraid of death in the past.  The unknown about when, where, or how it was going to happen created fear.... as well as the possibility if dying in pain.  Either way, that's all a moot point now.  I have absolutely not fear in death.  In our partners have already gone..... why do we have to be afraid of dying?     In fact, I want to die...  I really do.     But again like you, I have other family obligations here that I need to take care of.   I can't do that now.    When the time is right, I want to be able to just tell my body to shutdown....   go to sleep and never wake up again.   To go in peace just like how my wife did.

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Azipod,  I just logged on and clicked randomly on a current thread and read your post. It is amazing, or maybe not, how some of us have the same thoughts and feelings. I managed to get myself through the morning hours, but am looking at a very long afternoon. I try my best to stay busy and out of my own head, but sometimes it is impossible. I am constantly reminded of my loss and how so drastically my life has changed. I don't want these changes. I don't want a new, different life. I was happy and content with my "before" life. In my previous decades of life, the changes I went through ,were brought about by my own decisions, choices. I did not make this choice of losing my husband. The choice was made for me ,without my conscious input.

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18 hours ago, Azipod said:

why do we have to be afraid of dying?

I'm not afraid of dying.  It's living that scares me. 

18 hours ago, Azipod said:

We are in a purgatory suffering for a crime that we did not commit.

It's interesting how someone can express how you are feeling, age differences, different parts of the world, different gender, different timeline, none of that matters, it's the common language of grief that we all understand, what binds us together because we can relate to each other.

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On 21/11/2017 at 10:57 AM, TooDevastated said:

I have recently started to go through my sister's e-mails and only then I discovered that she had been on a forum such as this. I saw that some of the people here has sent her messages and people are supportive of each other on a forum like this. So, I thought those who care about "TooDevastated" deserve to know. We lost my sister on 2nd of November. Coroner's office called mum and told her the Latin terms etc but it was due to weight loss and heart failure.  We held a beautiful funeral for her on Sunday. 

Thanks Djh0901kc, Azipod, KayC, KMB, Ka9219 and others for being there for her when she needed it the most. I cannot believe she felt so lonely and we have not given her more support. We were never very close together and she has always been an independent person so I gave her space thinking she'd rather be alone. I will never forgive myself. I can't believe my beautiful sister died (or in other words, killed herself!) from sadness of the loss of a guy who hardly deserved her and could never be her match. My sincere advice to everyone here: Nobody is worth dying for. Live your life to the fullest possible. 

So sorry about losing your sister,TooDevastated. She's been very supportive on this forum. 

I have been offline the past few weeks, losing a partner is extremely difficult, sometimes I wish i was dead myself because the pain is excruciating.

I pray God continue to give you and your family the strength to bear this painful loss.

 

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I miss TooDevastated.  We walked the initial steps of our grief together -- and shared a lot of similiarities in our loss.   I am sure that she is at peace.   I know she is showering us all with love multiplied by a million times, comfort, and healing.  She is in a different place.... but she is still here with us.

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So very sad to learn about TooDevastated. She, like all of us, walked a path that few understand. I wish her family nothing but peace and comfort as they pick up the pieces and deal with the reality of a life taken far too soon. My sincere wish is that she is again with her love and the pain has ceased.

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