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TooDevastated

My sister, TooDevastated

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I have recently started to go through my sister's e-mails and only then I discovered that she had been on a forum such as this. I saw that some of the people here has sent her messages and people are supportive of each other on a forum like this. So, I thought those who care about "TooDevastated" deserve to know. We lost my sister on 2nd of November. Coroner's office called mum and told her the Latin terms etc but it was due to weight loss and heart failure.  We held a beautiful funeral for her on Sunday. 

Thanks Djh0901kc, Azipod, KayC, KMB, Ka9219 and others for being there for her when she needed it the most. I cannot believe she felt so lonely and we have not given her more support. We were never very close together and she has always been an independent person so I gave her space thinking she'd rather be alone. I will never forgive myself. I can't believe my beautiful sister died (or in other words, killed herself!) from sadness of the loss of a guy who hardly deserved her and could never be her match. My sincere advice to everyone here: Nobody is worth dying for. Live your life to the fullest possible. 

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God I was so afraid this might have happened. I even messaged a few other people here to see if they had heard from her. I’m so sorry she’s gone. Your sister was one of the few people I felt truly understood how I was feeling and she really helped me. I’m so sorry

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I am truly sorry for the loss of your sister. This comes as a shock!  I’m sure your sister would wish you to forgive yourself.  Please know we appreciate your telling us about TooDevastated’s death.  I’m glad you gave her a beautiful funeral and I hope her dreams of being with her loved one once again come true, and she finds the peace she craved. 

All here have lost our soulmates and understand the great pain,  the deep ongoing ‘aloneness’ for which their is no cure.  Believe me when I say that this is no ordinary aloneness and there are no words with which to describe it.  Friends and family can help fill it a little with their support, but we who are grieving a partner, know that no one else can have a true knowledge of the terrible heartache and emotions we experience.  It is very difficult to allow others to see the true depth of our pain. And difficult to ask for support. 

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Sending strength, love and hugs Xxxx

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Oh my...:( I have read some of her shared stories and advice. Her words are also big help to my survival..I'm really really sad right now for her...

Sorry for your loss sister of toodevasted

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

 

I have recently started to go through my sister's e-mails and only then I discovered that she had been on a forum such as this. I saw that some of the people here has sent her messages and people are supportive of each other on a forum like this. So, I thought those who care about "TooDevastated" deserve to know. We lost my sister on 2nd of November. Coroner's office called mum and told her the Latin terms etc but it was due to weight loss and heart failure.  We held a beautiful funeral for her on Sunday. 

Thanks Djh0901kc, Azipod, KayC, KMB, Ka9219 and others for being there for her when she needed it the most. I cannot believe she felt so lonely and we have not given her more support. We were never very close together and she has always been an independent person so I gave her space thinking she'd rather be alone. I will never forgive myself. I can't believe my beautiful sister died (or in other words, killed herself!) from sadness of the loss of a guy who hardly deserved her and could never be her match. My sincere advice to everyone here: Nobody is worth dying for. Live your life to the fullest possible. 

 

I am so, so sorry! We all loved your sister here, as she is a part of our grief family. I have been wondering about her many times. Whenever I logged onto the forum, I checked for a post from her, letting us know she was okay. She was deeply grieving her loss and we understood. She loved her boyfriend intensely and was grieving for him just as intensely.  Love is love. When it finds us, it does not discriminate or judge.I was 32 and my husband 44, when we met. There were a few skeptics who said it wasn't going to work due to the age difference. But, it did and beautifully. Our souls know who is right for us.

I remember your sister's posts and I hope she has found the peace she was searching for. Her pain and loneliness was so great and my heart aches that she is not here.

I will keep your sister in my prayers and I will pray for you and your family as well.  I am at a loss for words here really. The loss of your sister is a shock for me, as it will be to all of us on the forum.

I much appreciate you coming on and letting us know. Her loss will affect us and our hearts. 

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4 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I have recently started to go through my sister's e-mails and only then I discovered that she had been on a forum such as this. I saw that some of the people here has sent her messages and people are supportive of each other on a forum like this. So, I thought those who care about "TooDevastated" deserve to know. We lost my sister on 2nd of November. Coroner's office called mum and told her the Latin terms etc but it was due to weight loss and heart failure.  We held a beautiful funeral for her on Sunday. 

Thanks Djh0901kc, Azipod, KayC, KMB, Ka9219 and others for being there for her when she needed it the most. I cannot believe she felt so lonely and we have not given her more support. We were never very close together and she has always been an independent person so I gave her space thinking she'd rather be alone. I will never forgive myself. I can't believe my beautiful sister died (or in other words, killed herself!) from sadness of the loss of a guy who hardly deserved her and could never be her match. My sincere advice to everyone here: Nobody is worth dying for. Live your life to the fullest possible. 

Oh God, I am so sorry!  I was afraid of this.  She just couldn't see her way past this, it takes much time to process our grief, let alone see ourselves through this journey.  I wish so much we could have made a difference to her, she was worth knowing.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.  I, too, will pray for your family.  I wish for her only peace.

I hope instead of using an absolute, you can change your terminology to "I will have a hard time forgiving myself".  We can forgive ourselves.  Guilt is a common grief response that most of us go through.  It's hard because sometimes we don't see things until afterwards.  Guilt is something that can point us to needed change but once we have realized and made that correction, we need to let go of guilt, for it's already done it's job...to continue giving audience to it would be to invite shame, which serves only to paralyze us so that we can't propel ourselves forward and that helps no one.  Use this experience to learn from in case you encounter anyone in the future that is grieving.  I hope you will read these articles and take them to heart: 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html  

This one I've found to be helpful for those wanting to be there for someone who is grieving: 

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

And though she didn't "commit suicide", it was a type of "passive suicide" due to loss of will to live and take care of herself, so I hope these may be of help as well:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

I don't know there is anything you could have done even if you had been close.  As is often the case, it's very hard to get through to someone in this mindset.  I lost a friend to suicide, it is a horrible feeling, especially to feel it was needless and to know they had so much to live for, they just couldn't see it.  I'm sorry for the sadness you carry.  I hope you will consider grief counseling, it's hard to find our way through this maze of grief on our own.  God be with you on this journey.

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The first thing I saw when I signed on tonight was a post by "TooDevastated."  For a minute or so, I was so excited to see her again.  She was right there riding the same wave as I was during my earlier and darkest days.  We both lost our partner, in the same foreign country during the same month..... I am completely floored to hear what has happened.   I was so worried when I didn't see her online for a while.  A private message went unread.  Now I know why.   I miss her.  But to some extent, I am happy for her because she truly wanted to be with her boyfriend.    Although I'm an abled body, I can completely understand the direction she took.  There are times where I just want to go too...... so I can be with my wife.   Honestly, I do feel jealous.    

I'm sorry for what you had to go through, TooDevastated.  I miss you and thank you for supporting me here.

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My initial reaction was the same as yours Azipod.  I had messaged her and I thought she finally read our messages and was back...I am so sorry to hear she died because she wasn't able to get past the initial intensity of grief and see it through to where it gets better enough to live life.  She wasn't able to experience the "silver linings" that come later, finding inner strength, developing compassion, getting through the tough times, and now she's left her sorrow for her family to finish dealing with.  Death does not remove our pain, it passes the baton to someone else to carry.

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I am so terribly sorry. I read many of her comments and felt so bad for her. Please don't blame yourself. I just don't know what else to say, just love the memory of your sister and we sure are here for you too. Sending lots of love.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

My initial reaction was the same as yours Azipod.  I had messaged her and I thought she finally read our messages and was back...I am so sorry to hear she died because she wasn't able to get past the initial intensity of grief and see it through to where it gets better enough to live life.  She wasn't able to experience the "silver linings" that come later, finding inner strength, developing compassion, getting through the tough times, and now she's left her sorrow for her family to finish dealing with.  Death does not remove our pain, it passes the baton to someone else to carry.

Several times a day, everyday, I think about wanting to die.  I always secretly hope that a truck would come flying out of control through a busy intersection and take me while I stand there waiting for the light.  In all likelihood, it's probably wishful thinking but I guess it could be possible.... one day.   That said, I would hate to pass the grief baton to someone else in the family to suffer.   That's a really good point.

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The thought still comes to me on occasion, but I realize it's not the wanting to die so much as wanting to escape what I'd have to go through if I lived...having to grow old alone.  It's hard.  I'm 65 already and my family lives well into their 90s.  Back to the "taking one day at a time".  That's pretty much how I get through this.  Of course we'd like the easy way out, "a truck come flying through an intersection", but then I really don't want my family missing me all too soon either.  Sigh...no easy solution!

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I saw TooDevastated  post and was excited to see her but it came as complete shock to me that she is not with us anymore. I don't know what should I feel now, i am confused, i am feeling sad about her loss but kindda happy that she is with her boyfriend and i wish i can replace her.

I always think for the same that anyhow i would go to him and be with him, wish for something would happen to me suddenly and i can leave this earth.

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I am so sorry to hear about TooDevastated and would like to thank you for letting us know. I agree with you we can't die for someone but it is very normal feeling during our grief process. Lots of us wants to go to our partner thinking they will be waiting for us but there is no guarantee that they are there or if any other parallel world exists (sorry not questioning anybody belief). So please everyone try not to think of doing something like this as it might relieve you from pain but will increase pain for your near and dear ones. They don't know how lonely we are and can't connect with us properly but doesn't mean they don't love us.

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This is so hard to believe, I felt connected with her in the way we were handling our grieve and several other things about our lives, I wish I could say something worth saying but truth is this is very sad, my heart is crying and I feel the sadness of a loss one more time, even if I've been apart from the forum, still you are my family and I know toodesvastaded feel in the same way

She is now free from the pain and grieve, and even if her boyfriend was not the best for her, she loves him badly and now they are reunited, TooDevastated sister, we know your pain and sadness but don't blame yourself, it is not your fault, there is no way you couldn't know what she was thinking and doing, she was an adult and she made decisions, even if the pain is enormous, keep in your heart the peace that she is where she wanted to be, I know it sounds hard to handle, but she told us what she wanted the most and she wanted to join her boyfriend in heaven.

I know she is happy with her boyfriend now

Peace for you and your family

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On 11/22/2017 at 3:27 PM, Azipod said:

Several times a day, everyday, I think about wanting to die.  I always secretly hope that a truck would come flying out of control through a busy intersection and take me while I stand there waiting for the light.  In all likelihood, it's probably wishful thinking but I guess it could be possible.... one day.   That said, I would hate to pass the grief baton to someone else in the family to suffer

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1 hour ago, Nobody1 said:

have been living a nightmare every day for over a year now so as NOT to pass the "grief baton" onto family members. I can tell you this, it is no way to live! I exist only to spare my family members the same anguish I go through on a daily basis. I wonder if they had any clue what I was going through, would they allow me to end my own suffering if it meant that they would suffer? Could any loved one make that sacrifice? It reminds me of a pet owner who watches an animal suffer because they can not bare to let them go. They choose to spare themselves the anguish rather than end the suffering. My mother was such a person. Her beloved dog was clearly suffering because she couldn't bare to let him go. My family all saw this going on and no one did a thing because of the grief it would bring to her. I finally took the dog to the vet. I sat with him when he took his last breath. I cried. Not for the dog but for my mother. I envied the dog and my heart broke seeing the sadness in her eyes. 

When I read about TooDevistated, I was overcome with envy. She got her wish. The same wish I've had every day since my husband died. Whether she was reunited with her bf or just simply relieved of her suffering. Wherever she is now is better than where she was. 

To allow oneself to suffer to spare another is exhausting! It is not a life, it is a nightmare with no end in sight! 

In all honesty, I agree with your post. What has been keeping me here for the past 15 months? My pets. They are in their senior years and I know my dog will leave most likely before my cat. No one else is equipped to take care of them and it would be selfish and cold hearted of me to place them in a shelter. I brought them home and I am going to be a loving, responsible pet parent.  I owe them so much in how they have brought me comfort, companionship and a purpose to keep getting up every day.

My kids and my granddaughter need me to stay. I don't really know why. My granddaughter is too young yet to know me. My kids are very involved with their own lives. They are in their 30's and self absorbed as young adults are. I am always there for them, but it is rarely reciprocated. I try to justify my wanting to leave this life early because maybe it would be easier for the kids to do their grieving for me sooner rather than later. We are all going to die someday. I feel it should be our choice morally and legally on when we decide we have had enough.

You are right. There is no end in sight to this daily, exhausting struggle. I have done so much soul searching in what might be around the corner. I don't see much. My husband and the life we had together was the best I will ever have. I don't want to settle for a mediocre life or even less than. I have made the choice to never seek out another relationship, just to abate my loneliness. My husband was my one true soul mate. I still have zero interest in anything. There is nothing out there I wish to do or see. Being a wife to my husband was all I wanted. The joys and pleasures of life we shared have no influence on me now. i just don't care.

What kind of existence is there, in bringing home my son's laundry to do every other week, just because he doesn't want to use the machines in the basement of his apartment building or spare the time to go to the laundromat? What kind of existence is it, in my daughter living in the home here and I rarely see her because she is too busy with work, her friends and sitting with the laptop? What kind of existence is it when my youngest daughter just up and spontaneously moved across the country 4 1/2 years ago and has a very busy, successful happy life and has told me she has no intention of coming back for a visit? Sure, I could go to visit her, but there is the quandary of the care of my pets while gone and the fact my youngest daughter is rarely home herself.

No one wants to spend time with their old mom, so I come away with the strong feeling that their grieving would be short lived.

Yes, I am envious of TooDevastated (Sally) in getting her wish. Heaven has got to be a much better place than this one.

 

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I know it’s incredibly selfish but the thought of passing the grief baton or whatever never occurs to me. I’ll be dead. Either there’s no afterlife and I won’t care what is left behind or there is an afterlife and I’ll be with Kayla which outweighs everything else. You’re all better humans than me 

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

You’re all better humans than me 

No, I don't believe that we are. Underneath the superficiality, we are all the same. No matter when we die, there will be a few who will miss us. The grief baton will always get passed down. I have not been in the best frame of mind lately, so right now I don't care if the grief baton got passed down tomorrow. People are going to mourn, no matter if a person leaves now or years later. There is no escaping it. Everyone gets their turn.

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The only person I'm willing to suffer like this for is my mother. She would never get over my death. I see her every day and take care of her and her property. She's 81 and I find myself wondering how much longer she'll live. I hate myself for thinking that but she's the only thing keeping me here. Everyone else in my life would get over it just like they got over my husband's death. Hell, sometimes I wonder if anyone in my life even remembers that I had a husband who died. No one ever mentions him anymore

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On 11/23/2017 at 6:01 AM, LoveGoli said:

I saw TooDevastated  post and was excited to see her but it came as complete shock to me that she is not with us anymore. I don't know what should I feel now, i am confused, i am feeling sad about her loss but kindda happy that she is with her boyfriend and i wish i can replace her.

I always think for the same that anyhow i would go to him and be with him, wish for something would happen to me suddenly and i can leave this earth.

LoveGoli.  That is so true.  I think all of us feels that way to some extent.  We just want to run away from all of this pain.   When we lose our special partners, a piece of us left with them.  There's no will or desire to want to live anymore.  Because what we lived for is no longer here.   I don't care about much these days.  Even though I am functional as a person, laying just below the surface of my body is a world of hurt.   But most people do not understand what we have to deal with day in and day out.   Being functional just means we can do things... but it in no way implies that we are happy or have a desire to live.

I am sure TooDevastated is now safe and is with her boyfriend.  She's over on the other side, sending us all love and positive energy.

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15 hours ago, Nobody1 said:

 It reminds me of a pet owner who watches an animal suffer because they can not bare to let them go.

This is an excellent analogy.  It's a good way for me to explain to others down the road about how I am feeling. Thank you.

15 hours ago, Nobody1 said:

When I read about TooDevistated, I was overcome with envy. She got her wish. The same wish I've had every day since my husband died. Whether she was reunited with her bf or just simply relieved of her suffering. Wherever she is now is better than where she was. 

To allow oneself to suffer to spare another is exhausting! It is not a life, it is a nightmare with no end in sight! 

I know, huh?  You are absolutely correct.  Being alive is such a chore.  Even though we can function, it's not like we are happy.  It's not like we have the desire or the will to live.   I hate everything about my life.  I'm grateful for all that I have.... but the most important piece of my life is missing.   I cannot accept this feeling and I've been asking myself constantly over the last 2 day how I'm going to carry on with this void.   Going through a major holiday without my wife has brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

LoveGoli.  That is so true.  I think all of us feels that way to some extent.  We just want to run away from all of this pain.   When we lose our special partners, a piece of us left with them.  There's no will or desire to want to live anymore.  Because what we lived for is no longer here.   I don't care about much these days.  Even though I am functional as a person, laying just below the surface of my body is a world of hurt.   But most people do not understand what we have to deal with day in and day out.   Being functional just means we can do things... but it in no way implies that we are happy or have a desire to live.

I am sure TooDevastated is now safe and is with her boyfriend.  She's over on the other side, sending us all love and positive energy.

You are so right Azipod, we are functional and peoples thinking that we are doing really great now and we are over. Some of my office colleagues were discussing about me that I am doing really great and I am looking so normal now but they don't know what is going Inside my mind and my heart. I am dying every single moment to see him, to hear his voice, to touch him, kiss him. I faked in front of them , sometime i feel really guilty when I laughed with them but I can't cry all the time in front of them. My manager had meetings with me because of my sadness and then i decided to fake and somehow this fakeness becoming reality now.

Again one more weekend without him and missing him terribly, today morning my sister shout on me for my mistake and that reminds me how he used to get angry bcs of this mistake and I started crying not bcs i feel bad my sister shouted but it was like what if he would be here and see all this crap done by me.

 

 

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20 hours ago, KMB said:

In all honesty, I agree with your post. What has been keeping me here for the past 15 months? My pets. They are in their senior years and I know my dog will leave most likely before my cat. No one else is equipped to take care of them and it would be selfish and cold hearted of me to place them in a shelter. I brought them home and I am going to be a loving, responsible pet parent.  I owe them so much in how they have brought me comfort, companionship and a purpose to keep getting up every day.

My kids and my granddaughter need me to stay. I don't really know why. My granddaughter is too young yet to know me. My kids are very involved with their own lives. They are in their 30's and self absorbed as young adults are. I am always there for them, but it is rarely reciprocated. I try to justify my wanting to leave this life early because maybe it would be easier for the kids to do their grieving for me sooner rather than later. We are all going to die someday. I feel it should be our choice morally and legally on when we decide we have had enough.

You are right. There is no end in sight to this daily, exhausting struggle. I have done so much soul searching in what might be around the corner. I don't see much. My husband and the life we had together was the best I will ever have. I don't want to settle for a mediocre life or even less than. I have made the choice to never seek out another relationship, just to abate my loneliness. My husband was my one true soul mate. I still have zero interest in anything. There is nothing out there I wish to do or see. Being a wife to my husband was all I wanted. The joys and pleasures of life we shared have no influence on me now. i just don't care.

What kind of existence is there, in bringing home my son's laundry to do every other week, just because he doesn't want to use the machines in the basement of his apartment building or spare the time to go to the laundromat? What kind of existence is it, in my daughter living in the home here and I rarely see her because she is too busy with work, her friends and sitting with the laptop? What kind of existence is it when my youngest daughter just up and spontaneously moved across the country 4 1/2 years ago and has a very busy, successful happy life and has told me she has no intention of coming back for a visit? Sure, I could go to visit her, but there is the quandary of the care of my pets while gone and the fact my youngest daughter is rarely home herself.

No one wants to spend time with their old mom, so I come away with the strong feeling that their grieving would be short lived.

Yes, I am envious of TooDevastated (Sally) in getting her wish. Heaven has got to be a much better place than this one.

 

KMB,

I'm sorry, I feel much as you do.  My son is busy with his own family/life, my daughter never calls or picks up the phone if I do.  Yet I do care about my kids and wouldn't wish this devastation on them or anyone.  You don't have to do your son's laundry and you don't have to let your daughter live there.  I'm sick to my stomach right now because my wayward SIL is wanting to reconcile with my daughter and I'm EXTREMELY LEERY about it!  My greatest fear is that they'd have a child and then he'd leave again, leaving her to figure out how to pay for everything and tackle everything by herself.  I'd be there for her, no doubt, but that's no kind of life for a child.  But it's her decision...ugh!  Right now she hasn't agreed to anything, she's been talking with him for a couple of months and wants him to "prove" with actions not just words, she's thinking with her brain not only her heart, but I still fear for her.
 

14 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I know it’s incredibly selfish but the thought of passing the grief baton or whatever never occurs to me. I’ll be dead. Either there’s no afterlife and I won’t care what is left behind or there is an afterlife and I’ll be with Kayla which outweighs everything else. You’re all better humans than me 

I don't think we're better humans than you, but we're moms and that role is never over with.  There's something built into us that cares about our kids before our own selves.  It's called motherhood and no getting away from it.

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On 11/21/2017 at 4:57 AM, TooDevastated said:

I have recently started to go through my sister's e-mails and only then I discovered that she had been on a forum such as this. I saw that some of the people here has sent her messages and people are supportive of each other on a forum like this. So, I thought those who care about "TooDevastated" deserve to know. We lost my sister on 2nd of November.We were never very close together and she has always been an independent person so I gave her space thinking she'd rather be alone. I will never forgive myself. I can't believe my beautiful sister died (or in other words, killed herself!) from sadness of the loss of a guy who hardly deserved her and could never be her match. My sincere advice to everyone here: Nobody is worth dying for. Live your life to the fullest possible. 

I am so sorry for your loss and I do remember your sister's post.  You must not blame yourself; I don't think your sister would have wanted you to.  I'm just so sorry for the pain she must have endured inside. Suicide doesn't take away the pain; it only gives it to someone else.  I know how difficult this must be on your family and how hard goodbyes are when the story is not finished but the book has been closed. For those who understand it, no explanation is needed; for those who don't, no explanation is possible.

My prayers are with you and your entire family at this most difficult time. 

 

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