My dad passed away with alzheimers

[trishafisher]

My dad passed away in July. He was 84, so not young, but... he had dementia for 4 years and it was incredibly painful to watch him suffer. My dad and I were always so close - even as adults, he went on holiday with us, visited me almost every day, and we went out together - for a few years whilst I have been disabled and in a wheelchair, he looked after me. He was my best friend and confidant. When he was diagnosed with dementia, he became too confused and dangerous to live alone so we brought him to live with us in a granny flat and we had carers coming 3 times a day, but sadly, he got worse and it was obvious he needed 24 hour care so I made the dreadful decision to put him into a care home. He was so distressed - crying and begging one day to come home, and shouting at me and swearing at me for 'not loving him' and doing it because I couldnt be bothered with him - it was hearbreaking. Now he has gone, I thought i would feel relieved that he ws finally free of this cruel disease, but I cannot get past the memory that my beloved dad passed away believing that I didnt love him, and didnt care about him.

When I close my eyes or have time alone, I just remember that he truly thought i had stopped loving him, and I can't get past that heartbreaking thought.

My mum passed away a few years ago and my only sibling, my sister, died when she was just 34 so I am the only one left now and that too makes me feel more bereft.

Thank you for reading.

 

[sadandlost]

Dear Trishafisher,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I too know the pain of watching your parent suffer with dementia.  My mother died 10 months ago.  We were also extremely close and spoke every day.  She also struggled for about 4 yrs, the last year being the most difficult.  I grieved every day while she was alive for the loss.  What people don't realise is you loose them gradually, slowly and painfully and the grieving begins while they're still alive.  In a sense its like 2 losses because you grieve again when they die because they're gone forever then.  There is no doing things differently, going back, changing anything.  Its very painful.  10 months on I still cry every day when I look at her picture and us sitting next to each other.  

I understand what you're going through.  What your dad said to you, he said when he was ill.  He was not himself then, the illness had taken over.  You must know that.  I know its still painful but remember dementia is a cruel disease that robs a person of who they were.  No one can understand this unless you witness your loved one changing as a person.  I'm sorry for your pain.

I too am alone without family apart from the ones I am estranged from so its the same thing.  One feels completely lost.

[trishafisher]

Thank you so much for your support, and your understanding. I think I’m shocked that I am so desperately sad because I longed for him to let go and pass away peacefully, which he did, because he was so tortured. I think I wanted ‘just one more day’ with my real dad, but I knew that day would never come. I wanted to hear him say that he didn’t blame me, that he understood why I did what I did... but he never understood, poor darling man. It’s a hideous illness and I shudder when friends tell me their loved one has just been diagnosed.

i am so sorry for your loss too, still very recent and fresh, and worse for you, like me, because you were so close. It leaves such a huge void, doesn’t it?

sending big healing hugs to you. Thank you for reaching out, despite your own pain.

i really appreciate it. 

Trisha 

x

[sadandlost]

Dear Trisha,

I too longed for my mom to go, so she wouldn't suffer anymore.  She was such a dignified, proud woman who was so strong and independent.  She had a hard life but remained so dignified.  If she hadn't died in hospital due to an infection, she would have gone into a home, the thing she absolutely didn't want.  She could have afforded private care but the family wouldn't allow it and they were in charge.  It was a painful, painful time everything that led up to her death.  Now she's gone everything feels meaningless and empty.  It gets worse over time because after the shock, reality sets in months later.  I say this to you because things may get harder for you.  I too wish I had had more time with her when she was herself.  I long to have a conversation with her, even just the banal stuff like whats on tv etc..  

You have to try to remember all the good times with your dad and that you had a good and close relationship with him.  Not everyone has that.  Thank you for your kind words.  Write whenever you want, I'll be reading your words.  Wishing you easier times.