Lost my Dad during childhood

[Panda7856]

Hi everyone, so when I was 8 years old I lost my Dad suddenly due to an illness. At the time I soon returned to school and normality and actually in a way as a child, I just blocked it all out and almost allowed myself to forget it even happened. Sure I would get upset from time to time but only privately. So I grew up through my teenage years with no male role model at all, still blocking it out.

I'm now 20 and in recent times the loss of my Dad has suddenly really hit me hard. I find myself getting so desperately distressed and feel such despair because as a child he really was my inspiration and the light of my life. I struggled without a male role model as I found it hard having such a lack of judgement of what a 'man' is and how to become one, but at the time I just shrugged it off. But I find myself really upset about everything I'll miss with him, when I graduate, when I get married someday, if I ever have children, etc. At family gatherings it's as though nobody acknowledges the fact that my Dad was once sat with us also having a great time and I just feel so lost and out of place.

I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience to me and that maybe we could talk about it or something? It's almost like a delayed grief because I bottled it up for so long.

thank you for reading

[sadandlost]

Dear Panda7856,

I'm sorry for your loss and how hard you are finding it now.  I have not been through what you've been through but I think delayed grief is normal when you lose a parent as a child because you aren't able to process it.  I've seen quite a few posts here over the months from young people like yourself who are struggling several years later.  Look through some of the older posts in loss of a parent.  Very sorry for your loss.

[Panda7856]

Hi sadandlost, thank you so much I'm so grateful for your words, I think you're right I guess as a child it's like a defence mechanism you don't understand the death fully so your mind just shuts it down in a sense. And thank you I definitely will look at older posts! 

Hi Eziraphael, I'm so sorry about your losses it must have been such an upsetting year, losing one parent is so hard, but both I can only imagine the hurt. My Dad had a heart condition that we thought was well under control due to treatment he'd received and he was living a completely normal life, but then suddenly he just suffered a heart attack and that was it he was just gone. So I can really understand that sudden shock of someone being gone in a flash. I still find myself thinking he's going to walk through the door, sometimes I think I see him when I'm out, and sometimes I hear him. Reading your words I can tell you're such an incredibly brave person and you should never lose that. Thank you also for your words I feel inspired by you, we both have to take it day by day and stay strong because our parents would want that. And I really agree we are not alone for sure!

[Panda7856]

Eziraphael, it is really strange yes how sometimes if you think you see them or hear them, you think for a few seconds that it is them without thinking that it's impossible. It hurts actually, when you feel that familiarity all of a sudden just to find it's actually just a stranger with similar looks or voice. Actually sometimes I think I see my Dad in my house just in the corner of my eye!

I definitely do sometimes get reminded of things! Sometimes I'll go somewhere in the city I'll think is new to me, and suddenly I'll see something and I remember being there so vividly as a child with him. It may sound silly but sometimes I walk past a clinic he uses to go to occasionally and I suddenly just feel so much emotion welling up in me, maybe because it's a place where I would often go with him and the staff were so nice there, sometimes I'm so tempted to go inside and just take another look inside! 

One thing I find so hard is looking at photos of my childhood, I not only see my Dad in them but I also see what a joyful child I was and how carefree everything was, not knowing what was going to happen just a few years later.

And you're very welcome, I have to say it means a lot to me also to be able to talk about this, I think sharing helps to take a bit of the fear and despair away so thank you so much.

[Panda7856]

Yeah I get that a lot! My friend showed me one of those funny videos the kind you see on social media, and I was convinced the man in it was my dad, I just froze and was just staring at him even though it wasn't my dad. I think my friend thought I just didn't find it funny! And yes sometimes I'll walk past a room in my house and just think I see a figure sitting on the edge of bed in his room or if I'm in the kitchen I think I see someone in there while I'm doing something. Crazy I know! I'm so glad I'm not the only one haha!

I totally get your experience in the shop, sometimes those experiences can be negative as well as positive, there's so many places we visited together and I think if it was a happy event I feel sad but there's a warmness to it, but if it was a time where he was visibly unhappy I feel so on edge and anxious about it because I can't always remember why he felt as he did in those memories. 

I have a memory that triggers a lot, basically I went to a school for 4-7 year olds which is a few streets away, and I would always walk to school with my Dad and on the way back. I have such happy moments from those walks there was a time I'd had a special day at school where we'd baked fresh bread, and I remember me and my Dad eating the bread on our way home and I was so proud and happy for that moment no matter how silly it sounds haha. But now the school is my local polling station as well, so here in the UK schools are often used for voting, I should have probably said I'm from the UK before. But anyway when I walk to vote it's the only time I take that walk since those childhood school days. And even though it's short I feel so much emotion walking that route and it triggers so many different memories and that continues into the school itself, I remember always being so proud when my Dad was with me at that school.

I have that thing with photos too, I regret not enjoying my time more, but then how were we to know? I mean I never even considered it as a child that he wouldn't be here now. 

Most of my looks come from my Dad if not almost all. And it actually hurts to look so similar, most of my Dad's side of the family are gone, his brother (my uncle) is still alive but after my Dad's death he saw us a few times and then him and his wife who lived just a few streets away, got up and left without telling us anything, they haven't even contacted us! That really hit me because he was my final chance to have that male role model so closely related to my Dad but he didn't seem to want anything to do with me or my sister, leaving us completely isolated. I have my other side of the family but they live so far and I barely see them. But when I do I sometimes see them looking at me differently and sometimes they will say how much I look like my Dad and I see they're emotional and it pains me because you'd think it would be a good thing but I feel like my looks make them sad and then I feel like I can't be me, my own person without triggering their memories of him as if I'm a living reminder. 

Wow I wrote a lot this time! Your so welcome! It really helps me too and at first I thought it would make me feel worse but it doesn't knowing someone actually understands how I feel, so thank you so much too! I feel like when I'm here I can just let go and get it all off my chest. 

Wish you a wonderful evening also!  

[PatriciaEileen]

On 11/19/2017 at 4:33 PM, Eziraphael said:

Hi there...

I don't really know if my situation is similar or if it helps you in any way...I hope it does.
I'm 18 years old now and I lost both my parents this year due to illness. Mum had cancer and was fighting it for about a year. We were never a perfect family but in that time we were really growing together. Me and Dad visited her in hospital everyday after school.
I was always Daddy's little girl and he was the light of my life at that point. I was in College (the equivalent of such in my country at least) and Since I always went directly to Mum after school I really had no other social life than school, my parents and homework. 
When Mum passed away in March me and my father were really strong. We got along very well and had an extremely strong bound formed through grief and just...being exhausted. 
Through all the isolation and being so busy I'd totally forgotten about keeping contact with any of my friends and he was the only thing I had.
The thing that gave me...you know...sanity. 
And then he just suffered from a stroke, from one day to another, with no signs of it at all. He was dead just like that and I was completely alone.
I have nothing left now. I had to give away to house and anything in it away. 

And it completely ripped me apart. I was telling myself over and over again that i am very alone and just a little girl but...I am not.
I am strong and I feel like I can battle through this. I am being a little soldier like Dad would have wanted it...I'm trying my best at least.
I am sure your dad Is proud of you...the man you are becoming. Be your fathers Soldier. Try to step forward. 
I know how hard it is...i know.

So if you'd like to talk or..anything just answer. I am here. As alone as you probably are. 
I feel very warm writing this...Feel very hugged. You are not alone. We are not.

Thank you for those words. My mom was one tough lady and I know she worried about me being alone once she died because I had dedicated the last several years taking care of her because she had difficulty walking and seeing (she was legally blind). I had to take her to every appointment from her hair to her doctors appt, and take her to get her groceries, do her laundry..just everything. So after working full time on my days off it was dedicated to making sure my mom was making her appointments, getting her food for her, and doing her laundry. I basically had no time for a social life.

Now she's gone I'm by myself, and I know for a fact my mom would want me to take care of myself, my health, and get out and start living again.  And I also know that parents would rather go first over losing their child. This is the natural order of things, as sad as it is and as premature as it is for some. But I will be strong and will start taking care of myself in honor of my mother, because I know she would want this for me.

 

[CarlJo]

Hi Panda7856,

My mom had cancer it was really bad to point where she's bedridden.She suffer pain and endure almost for 2 years, from my childhood until my first year of teen she died. That time I felt, it was empty. Until later this year my dad died due to pneumonia. I pile up a lot of guilts and regrets, remember the pass reliving it again. I just don't know why, every time I recall the past living with my parents. It makes me heartache and sad over and over again. 

[Panda7856]

Hi eziraphael

I'm so sorry I haven't replied for a while I had a lot happening with university and I've missed this! 

That connection with with Logan is bittersweet I imagine. I bet it's hard watching someone you feel looks like him. But at the same time maybe a comfort? Yes it was hard for me to grow into a 'man' but it's still just as tough for you I'm sure and I feel you completely! I do look for father figures too! Sean Connery reminds me of my Dad actually haha! Maybe we look to superheroes/heroes for guidance? 

Oh yes!! I always think about when I hopefully have children. It saddens me so much that he can't be their grandad, because he would have been so great with them! And on my wedding day if I have one. I think what hurts me the most is if/ when my sister gets married. Most likely I will walk her down the aisle and it makes me feel honoured and yet sad like I'm robbing him of his chance. But as you say maybe with my looks he lives on in me and in a sense he will be there? 

Yes I'm so glad you have such a great best friend. Friends can be everything, I have a friend who also lost her Dad young, we don't really talk about it but we're very aware of it and we just get each other, you know?

I'm so glad you enjoy talking to me because I feel the same! 

I bet Ireland is so refreshing! I hope you're having a nice time there and enjoying some time relaxing there! Sometimes I want to get up get on any train and see where it takes me, but it's unfair to my loved ones. But still it's so great to go somewhere new and refreshing to clear your mind

i hope you have a lovely evening!!

 

[Panda7856]

On 22/11/2017 at 3:46 AM, CarlJo said:

Hi Panda7856,

My mom had cancer it was really bad to point where she's bedridden.She suffer pain and endure almost for 2 years, from my childhood until my first year of teen she died. That time I felt, it was empty. Until later this year my dad died due to pneumonia. I pile up a lot of guilts and regrets, remember the pass reliving it again. I just don't know why, every time I recall the past living with my parents. It makes me heartache and sad over and over again. 

Hi CarlJo

I'm so sorry about your losses, it must hurt so bad to lose both parents. I totally understand that feeling of guilt because I've felt that too. All the things I wish I could of said or done with my Dad. But I think deep down we know they really loved us and we don't need to say anymore because we'll always have that special connection to them.

but we're all together here, and we understand the hurt so we can talk about it and feel the love and support from each other, I'm not sure if what I've said is helpful but what I'm trying to say is, I and others are always happy to listen and share experiences. 

Hope you have a nice evening CarlJo