My dad killing himself

[taro]

My dad died a couple of months ago, I had to fly to his home country and go through ridiculous rituals for the afterlife that I don't believe in and I don't think he even believed in. I was surrounded by people I didn't know who knew him, and all I could think was they let him die.  He even told people around him how lonely he was, that he had no one...that he bought a rope and he was planning to do it. People told him not to, but they didn't take it seriously because I would have stuck by side day and night to make sure he didn't even think of it. **** he should have told me. He'll never know how much he means to me, how much I needed him in my life as a lonely kid, need him in my life still as a lonely adult.. All my failures as a human being, I shouldn't have hidden them from him, I should have told him, cause he never knew me.

I'm an only child and he was my hero, he only came home on weekends but when he was there he showed what real love meant. He left when I was 15 and I didn't see him for 13 years, I was so afraid he'd be a frail old man dying, and I think I ran from his death... just pretended he was safe and happy somewhere, that the world would take care of him.

I finally reunited with him a little over a year ago, he looked so strong and tan and healthy, I was so relieved, and we had a tearful goodbye at the end of my visit, he mentioned "what if this is the last time I see you, it could be". I remember putting a blanket over him when he fell asleep on the couch, and dammit I would have done it a hundred times more, every day, if he'd just told me he was sick once he found out. I would have been there.  I found out after he died that he had cancer, that he tried to treat it for a year, multiple surgeries, was told it was hopeless in the end. He was in so much pain he couldn't sit, couldn't sleep, and had no one by his side. They say he killed himself because he was in so much pain.

I remember him telling me during my visit that I was the only thing he had left in the world, and that he was afraid to be happy because then he'd be afraid to die.I didn't call him, I tried once and he didn't pick up, I was so afraid to call just like when I was a kid, afraid to reach out. But dammit he was the parent. He should have let me say goodbye. I'm just like him, I fucking ran too. 

I'm unemployed, have been battling social anxiety since middle school, I feel like ending it also. But I have my mother to worry about, she mentions she's so old that her time's coming to an end too. I think she's ashamed of me. I feel like a useless human being

losing him was losing my foundation, any inkling of goodness in me came from him. I've been repressing so much just to function, but today it bubbled up and I found this thread. I hate this world. 

[sadandlost]

Dear Taro,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Its really heartbreaking to read.  We all have sad and heartbreaking stories, some worse than others.  I feel for you and really hope you will find some strength to get some help.  Support group or counselling, therapy to be able to have a support system.  It is a lot to process and you need help.  we are here and we are reading your words but I feel you need more help.  Most of us here feel alone and overwhelmed by grief, its hard for all of us.  So sorry for your pain.