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Wendy ME

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Hi, Just reached week ten and feeling pretty miserable. My husband of 43 years died quickly of cancer. I read that grief feels like a empty hole we navigate around in the day and fall into at night. Wondering how everyone else is feeling. I try to keep positive and see the silver lining but wow the breakthrough crying is strong. I joined hoping to hear from others in similar place because until you walk this path you can't know how it really is. Most of my family are interstate and on a daily level it is a struggle. Someone mentioned that the flowers should arrive about now because the three month marker is quite hard. Now I am here I believe they were right. Thanks for listening.x

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I just passed month ten. It doesn't go away. You don't ever get through it. I'm still trying to accept this. I understand there are three stages. Absorb what has happened, Assimilate to it. And accept it. Stages do not remain in any order, often jumping around like a nightmare of a loop of emotions. I have gone through a couple days of no tears, only to find they return with a vengeance. I have no family. Just my cats and a couple friends. Therapist are good for some. I feel like I do not want to talk to anyone who is paid to listen, somebody who doesn't know me. But that is just my opinion. I do have a friend who is a grief therapist. She said the first six months are the worse. After a year it calms some and by year two we find a new way to live. It is never the same. Just different.  

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Wendy,

Even though I'm much further out, I can assure you we never ever forget our grief journey.  I remember like it was yesterday, the beginning weeks/months.  I was frantic, anxious, scared, beyond consolation!  I didn't see how I could live without my George.  

The Five Stages of Grief was written with something different in mind.  Not all go through all the stages and not in any particular order and some not at all.

I posted this elsewhere but want to be sure you have it too, I wrote it based on my 12 year journey and hope you find something helpful in it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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13 hours ago, Wendy ME said:

 

Hi, Just reached week ten and feeling pretty miserable. My husband of 43 years died quickly of cancer. I read that grief feels like a empty hole we navigate around in the day and fall into at night. Wondering how everyone else is feeling. I try to keep positive and see the silver lining but wow the breakthrough crying is strong. I joined hoping to hear from others in similar place because until you walk this path you can't know how it really is. Most of my family are interstate and on a daily level it is a struggle. Someone mentioned that the flowers should arrive about now because the three month marker is quite hard. Now I am here I believe they were right. Thanks for listening.x

 

Wendy,  I am deeply sorry.  You are at 10 weeks and I am at just under 15 months. There is no time frame at all or any rules for this grief road. We are on it to stay and we will never be the person we were before our loss. Our life and us, will be different. We will always be carrying our loss with us.  I have gotten to the stage to be able to function easier. I don't want to though. But, life did not stop when my husband's heart did. I was not given the option to leave with him. I still consider that an unfair rule of life. I did not consent to this reality. None of us here did. We are all miserable as you are, and in various phases as to our grieving. At 10 weeks, I was a mess. I am thankful I have our pets that depend on me. Without them, I don't really know where I would be. The 6 month mark for me was the hardest. That is usually around the time that the full reality of the physical absence of our loved one hits and is front and center. There is no escape route with grieving. We have to face it and learn to adapt and cope. All so easy to say, but so darn hard to do. Coping is a moment by moment, hour by hour and day by day deal.

I don't think about the future at all. It is pointless and not productive. We don't know the future. Even with being a little over a year on my grief road, I still take it day by day and most likely always will.

I do feel blessed that my husband chose me to spend the rest of his life with. You are blessed as well. I don't really know what the silver lining might be with our grieving. I know I am grateful my husband is not suffering anymore. He had congestive heart failure and kidney failure. He was losing his quality of life and I know he hated that. and I hated watching him go through that. I am also thankful that he is not here in my shoes, going through this devastatingly painful ordeal. He always said I was the stronger of the both of us and If I went first, he would have given up. I have to soldier on to justify his faith and belief in me. The only way I can honor and carry on his legacy of love.

Sending prayers for God's love, strength and eventual peace.

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Donna7431,   Hang in there. You are surviving, just like the rest of us. It is all we can do. You have your cats and friends and you have us as your grief family.  (HUGS)

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21 hours ago, Wendy ME said:

Hi, Just reached week ten and feeling pretty miserable. My husband of 43 years died quickly of cancer. I read that grief feels like a empty hole we navigate around in the day and fall into at night. Wondering how everyone else is feeling. I try to keep positive and see the silver lining but wow the breakthrough crying is strong. I joined hoping to hear from others in similar place because until you walk this path you can't know how it really is. Most of my family are interstate and on a daily level it is a struggle. Someone mentioned that the flowers should arrive about now because the three month marker is quite hard. Now I am here I believe they were right. Thanks for listening.x

Hi Wendy ME.  I am sorry to hear about your loss.   The loss of a partner is indeed a big hole in our life.  As you have described, we fall into the hole at the end of the night only to experience it over and over again as each day goes by.   It is a never ending journey and the dark days do not subside.    In time, things are suppose to be "different" but the pain and sadness will always be there -- arguably though, at perhaps a lighter intensity.     I am glad that you are looking for a silver lining.  I'm sure there's some good that comes out of this, but there's more bad.  I am sorry to be pessimistic but this is why it's called a tragedy.    It is a life changing event that devastates us.  It robs us of all that we've lived for.  And it changes things in our life not just one time, but all the time.   You see, when we lose our partner, we don't just lose them on that angel date.    We lose them every day, for the rest of our life.   For me, I still can't fathom that thought.   I just keep try to live in the moment, one day at a time.  That's the only way I can survive (for now).

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17 hours ago, Azipod said:

Hi Wendy ME.  I am sorry to hear about your loss.   The loss of a partner is indeed a big hole in our life.  As you have described, we fall into the hole at the end of the night only to experience it over and over again as each day goes by.   It is a never ending journey and the dark days do not subside.    In time, things are suppose to be "different" but the pain and sadness will always be there -- arguably though, at perhaps a lighter intensity.     I am glad that you are looking for a silver lining.  I'm sure there's some good that comes out of this, but there's more bad.  I am sorry to be pessimistic but this is why it's called a tragedy.    It is a life changing event that devastates us.  It robs us of all that we've lived for.  And it changes things in our life not just one time, but all the time.   You see, when we lose our partner, we don't just lose them on that angel date.    We lose them every day, for the rest of our life.   For me, I still can't fathom that thought.   I just keep try to live in the moment, one day at a time.  That's the only way I can survive (for now).

Hi Thanks for taking the time to write. I don't think you are being pessimistic rather you are being honest. I hope the days get lighter for you and the memories begin to give you more joy and less pain. Until you go through it you don't understand. Hope today with the support of others you have some happy moments. 

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It can take much time to find that silver lining.  I have seen much in the twelve years since, but in the beginning, no, there was the overwhelming pain and fallout.  I did,however, try to look for good in each day, which is different from silver lining, per se, but  the attitude of looking for something positive is the same spirit of hopefulness that brings life to us.

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On 11/19/2017 at 2:56 AM, Wendy ME said:

Hi, Just reached week ten and feeling pretty miserable. My husband of 43 years died quickly of cancer. I read that grief feels like a empty hole we navigate around in the day and fall into at night. Wondering how everyone else is feeling. I try to keep positive and see the silver lining but wow the breakthrough crying is strong. I joined hoping to hear from others in similar place because until you walk this path you can't know how it really is. Most of my family are interstate and on a daily level it is a struggle. Someone mentioned that the flowers should arrive about now because the three month marker is quite hard. Now I am here I believe they were right. Thanks for listening.x

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and know your pain only too well.  I too lost my Charles of 44 years and it was as if half of me went with him; I feel I'm living with only 50% of myself. Losing someone that was your life; your being; your soulmate is a curious thing.  We all know that our time is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up again. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It reminds me of walking up the stairs to my bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair when there really isn't.  My foot falls down through the air, and there is a moment of surprise as I try to readjust the way I thought of things.

There are moments that I feel so lost, confused and shock. Charles and I often listened to "Our" music; it took us back to a time we both loved and just to reminiscence gave us so much pleasure. The day Charles made his transition the musical score of my life changed forever.  Now a sad undertone has been added.  Some days it is very loud; some days, it is very soft; but always there.  I am thankful for the days I can hear the joyful melody of my life and *Our* songs will forever be in my heart.  The most painful tears are not the ones that fall from my eyes and cover my face; they are the ones that fall from my heart and cover my soul.

Getting through each day is a struggle for me, but I must, you see, at the end of each day, I know in my heart I couldn't have gotten through the day without knowing that Charles was with me in spirit. 
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@KMB

How wonderful you both had the music in your lives. Funny how those songs bring us back to certain memories. Charles is always with you..he was such huge part of you. I think we are lucky to have found love as not everyone does. However, when we lose our soulmate the price is high. 

I know my Ray would not have coped well on his own and being left behind was better in a way. One of us usually pays the higher price of loss. I never knew it would hurt as much. Very different and deeper than any other loss I have experienced. The long time together and the fact we were at home together has made the gap wider. 

You should write prose or poetry because you have a beautiful gift. I have used writing to express myself and help to move through all the emotions. Right now I am writing a book as well.

The loss has made me more self-reliant which is good but I wish I could have him back. You would feel the same. 

My friend who was recently widowed told me to do what makes me happy. I thought that was good advice. 

I hope your week is better..it seems like one step forward and 2 back. But with love and support on our journey we can make it through to happier days. 

Well goodbye for now from sunny Australia. Write when you like. I am not familiar yet with the site so not sure if this is private message or not. 

Love Wendy x

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3 hours ago, Wendy ME said:

when we lose our soulmate the price is high

 

Much too high but the hand that we were given and unfortunately the hand cannot be changed, but the way we play it can.  So I see it two ways, either play the hand and accept the situation or reject it and stay where you are, lost confuse and stagnated. Life can be rough and difficult at times. Obstacles and situations occur that end up changing our outlook on life.  There are times when people, going through horrific situations feel like they should just give up or wish time would stand still, even if it was just for a second. Life can be great but it can also be unbearably overwhelming. Things in life will not always go our way, but sometimes we just have to deal with it and overcome the obstacles that are stopping us for reaching your optimum potential.

Losing someone so near and dear to us is tough and unbearable at times, but those moments do eventually past or should I say seem less unbearable. It may feel as though nothing is simple about this when you feel vulnerable and alone, but in time and as you look back, it won't seem that hard especially with those who stuck with you throughout it all.  The hand that God has dealt us may not be the best, but with loving friends and family, we can get through just about anything.

Know that you are in my prayers always!

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23 hours ago, Francine said:

Getting through each day is a struggle for me, but I must, you see, at the end of each day, I know in my heart I couldn't have gotten through the day without knowing that Charles was with me in spirit. 

Getting through each day is like trying to conquer the mountain.  I am exhausted at the end of each day.  Everyday is the same.  I too, know that my wife is with me in spirit.  But that is not acceptable to me.  As someone else has said a while ago, I do not and cannot have a relationship with someone who is invisible and mute.  I am angry.   I know that life is suppose to give us challenges so that we can learn how to love, be emphatic, and cherish things that are the most precious to us.  But this life lesson is too damn severe.  I also know it's not me to decide what lessons I am suppose to face in life.  But why throw me something like this to me which absolutely tears my heart out of my body?  I am in  a world of hurt.

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18 hours ago, Azipod said:

I do not and cannot have a relationship with someone who is invisible and mute

I understand, it's kind of like trying to kiss someone with a balloon around your head!  We can't reach them and it's hard!  I continually go by faith but that doesn't mean I'm not human, I long for physical contact with him, to hear his voice, to feel his arms around me.  The wait is so long and so hard!  It's been 12 1/2 years since I've heard him or laid my head against his chest and felt his arms envelope me...and that feels like a lifetime ago, so long the wait!!

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23 hours ago, Azipod said:

I too, know that my wife is with me in spirit.  But that is not acceptable to me.  As someone else has said a while ago, I do not and cannot have a relationship with someone who is invisible and mute.  I am angry.   I know that life is suppose to give us challenges so that we can learn how to love, be emphatic, and cherish things that are the most precious to us.  But this life lesson is too damn severe.  I also know it's not me to decide what lessons I am suppose to face in life.  But why throw me something like this to me which absolutely tears my heart out of my body?  I am in  a world of hurt.

I get it; it will never be the same because we are not the same, or lives are not the same, nor are our feelings; needs and wants.  But it is a hand that we've been dealt and a hurt that is everlasting. A hurt that none of us ask for or wanted.  The kind of  hurt that engulfs our entire being and won't let go.  Sometimes I don't know exactly where I hurt, but I know its a dull dry ache that penetrates my soul.

The hard truth is it may never get easier to live without a huge piece of my heart gone.  That hurt is always there, lurking around every corner. It doesn’t get easier and the hurt is there when I walk this earth without my Charles; it doesn’t get easier and the hurt is there when I breathe while choking on air; . It doesn’t get easier and the hurt is when I try to make new friends and don’t have normal answers to normal questions anymore. It doesn’t get easier and the hurt is there when I try to live in the present while half of me is living in the what should be’s and why the hell is it not, damn it!  It doesn’t get easier and the hurt is there when I am now a *solo* when I (with my Charles) am used to being  a *couple* around other family and friends (and they have their spouses or partners).  It hurts like hell and it doesn’t get easier,  but it becomes different— softer, at times– louder at other times. It’s like a storm. You can’t predict when it’s coming, and you can’t predict whether you’ll be able to find shelter or not. You can’t predict whether you’ll even survive. You just hold your breath, brace yourself for the impact, and hope you can find some solid ground.   Perhaps eventually you will; I hope so; I hope we all will.

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On 11/27/2017 at 10:43 AM, Francine said:

I get it; it will never be the same because we are not the same, or lives are not the same, nor are our feelings; needs and wants.  But it is a hand that we've been dealt and a hurt that is everlasting. A hurt that none of us ask for or wanted.  The kind of  hurt that engulfs our entire being and won't let go.  Sometimes I don't know exactly where I hurt, but I know its a dull dry ache that penetrates my soul.

The hard truth is it may never get easier to live without a huge piece of my heart gone.  That hurt is always there, lurking around every corner. It doesn’t get easier and the hurt is there when I walk this earth without my Charles; it doesn’t get easier and the hurt is there when I breathe while choking on air; . It doesn’t get easier and the hurt is when I try to make new friends and don’t have normal answers to normal questions anymore. It doesn’t get easier and the hurt is there when I try to live in the present while half of me is living in the what should be’s and why the hell is it not, damn it!  It doesn’t get easier and the hurt is there when I am now a *solo* when I (with my Charles) am used to being  a *couple* around other family and friends (and they have their spouses or partners).  It hurts like hell and it doesn’t get easier,  but it becomes different— softer, at times– louder at other times. It’s like a storm. You can’t predict when it’s coming, and you can’t predict whether you’ll be able to find shelter or not. You can’t predict whether you’ll even survive. You just hold your breath, brace yourself for the impact, and hope you can find some solid ground.   Perhaps eventually you will; I hope so; I hope we all will.

Thank you, Francine.  It's really terrible.   I know all family members grieve, but I always think that the surviving partner has to grieve the most.  It seems so unfair that we have to go through this terrible journey.... and in a lot of ways, we go through this alone.    It sucks big time.    I miss my wife.  I need my wife.  I still cannot believe she is gone.   Having a dose of reality throughout periods of each day brings on a lot of pain.   I don't know how I am going to do it.  I just wish my body would give up so I too, can rest in peace.

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The spouse/partner that truly loves them may be affected the most, but I know if I lost one of my kids, I'd never be the same again.

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On 11/30/2017 at 10:37 AM, KayC said:

The spouse/partner that truly loves them may be affected the most, but I know if I lost one of my kids, I'd never be the same again.

I agree. If I lost one of the kids, it might be the end of me as well. I have sustained many losses, people and pets, but I feel there has to be a limit to how much we can handle.:(

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