New to online grief support

[cheryl1000]

My husband of 35 years died unexpectantly 6 months ago. Then, also unexpectantly, our youngest son died 7 weeks later. I went to a therapist a few times,  went to a support group a few times,  but didn't find either very helpful, so thought I would give this a try. With the holidays approaching I find myself on edge, still in shock that half of my family is gone. I have closed-off rooms filled with their belongings, can't bear to look at them.I won't decorate, can't get out the decorations that my husband and son got out each year. I go back and forth,  one minute I miss my husband, we did everything together, my protector, my soulmate.  The next minute my heart further rips as I try to absorb the fact that my son, my precious boy, is also gone. I will never see him marry, never see him reach full adulthood. I stay busy maintaining our home, but confine myself to my bedroom. The family room is off-limits, one couch was my husband's, the other my son's. They are empty,  seemingly sacred. How long can I go on with such a heavy heart? Project after project, like the stupid hamster in the wheel I keep going around, yet going nowhere. When I stop spinning, nothing has changed. I am heartbroken, feel as if all I have done over the decades to create a family, has been shattered. I go to work, put on a fake smile, come home exhausted, drained from the effort it takes to merely function. I feel so dead inside. I'm no stranger to grief, lost my dad and sister within months of each other 7 years ago. But this has left me destroyed 

[Wendy ME]

Wow you have so much to deal with. The pain must be unbearable. You will survive this in time and you sound like a strong person. I think you are incredible even getting to work. I am here when you need another person. I feel nature is good for you and any caring friends. I will  send you lots of love. Nurture yourself Cheryl..not many people have had such a terrible time. The fact you are functioning at all is a credit to you. Love Wendy x

[KayC]

Cheryl,

I am so sorry, to lose either one is horrific itself, but to lose both seems unfathomable.  How old was your son?  Grief counselors are different than therapists in that they are trained in grief, not all are equal and the same, I would encourage you to try one, a different one than the therapist you tried before.  Also, no all grief support groups are the same, you might try another one later on, where you are in your journey can make a difference in how it affects you.

You are at the six month mark, I've been told that is the hardest time because reality has set in.  You are "functioning", going to work, but probably little else.  Unexpected death is such a shock, it took me about three years just to process it.  And much much longer to find any purpose or build a life I can live...it's been 12 years for me.  I've found grief doesn't end, it does evolve though.  I've learned not to fear it as I once did, ride the waves of it, allow yourself to sit with it and feel your pain, in time the intensity will not be as great as it is right now.

I wrote this a few months ago from my journey and hope you and Wendy will find something helpful you can take from it, if nothing else to know you are not alone.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KMB]

Cheryl,  I cannot imagine being in your shoes. Losing our soul mate is devastating enough, but to lose a child also, is incomprehensible! I am deeply sorry! I lost my husband to sudden cardiac arrest in our home last year and I am far away from being able to move forward ,as to where others expect me to be. If I lost one of my kids or my granddaughter, it might send me over the edge.

6 months is the huge hurdle time to get through, give or take by the individual. Reality of our loss is front and center 24/7 .I was pretty much a basket case during that time. I was pacing the rooms, crying and begging my husband to come walking through the door and have our life back to the way it was. Acknowledging that their physical absence is permanent is such a  repeatedly, gut wrenching blow.

God surely must have blessed you with extra doses of fortitude in helping you to bear the many losses you have endured. I know you most likely don't feel strong, brave, courageous, but yet,  6 months later,you are still surviving.  Yes, you are going to work, putting on the fake mask we all need to, at certain times and doing some functioning. You are doing the best you can. You are surviving and we know how devastatingly tough that is. Each step we put in front of the other, each day we manage to put behind us, brings us closer to the time we will have our turn in being reunited with our loved ones. This surviving and the waiting is darn tough.

I trust KayC's words of encouragement and wisdom. Her words have been a huge benefit of comfort for me, on this lonely road of grief. Maybe later on, when the grieving has lessened in intensity, you can try a grief counselor or a different support group. Either one does have its place with healing.

Sending out prayers that you be continually blessed with God's love, continual strength and eventual peace.

[LoveD]

Cheryl, I am so sorry for your multiple losses.  My husband unexpectedly passed away almost 4 months ago.  Even though I cried less, still feel the sadness & suffocation so heavy most of the time.   Thinking about the long journey by myself in the future is unbearable.  One of my friends emailed me Muniba Mazari video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIF5BnugxYM.  I find it very inspiring.

[KMB]

LoveD,   I just watched your video link. It is inspiring, but in a bittersweet way as to my perception. I have a knowing as to what my husband would want for me and I don't want to disappoint him in not being able to find a way of living for myself, some measure of happiness. It is going to take a very long time to find my way.  It will for you also.   Thanks for sharing.  (HUGS)

[Azipod]

21 hours ago, cheryl1000 said:

My husband of 35 years died unexpectantly 6 months ago. Then, also unexpectantly, our youngest son died 7 weeks later. I went to a therapist a few times,  went to a support group a few times,  but didn't find either very helpful, so thought I would give this a try. With the holidays approaching I find myself on edge, still in shock that half of my family is gone. I have closed-off rooms filled with their belongings, can't bear to look at them.I won't decorate, can't get out the decorations that my husband and son got out each year. I go back and forth,  one minute I miss my husband, we did everything together, my protector, my soulmate.  The next minute my heart further rips as I try to absorb the fact that my son, my precious boy, is also gone. I will never see him marry, never see him reach full adulthood. I stay busy maintaining our home, but confine myself to my bedroom. The family room is off-limits, one couch was my husband's, the other my son's. They are empty,  seemingly sacred. How long can I go on with such a heavy heart? Project after project, like the stupid hamster in the wheel I keep going around, yet going nowhere. When I stop spinning, nothing has changed. I am heartbroken, feel as if all I have done over the decades to create a family, has been shattered. I go to work, put on a fake smile, come home exhausted, drained from the effort it takes to merely function. I feel so dead inside. I'm no stranger to grief, lost my dad and sister within months of each other 7 years ago. But this has left me destroyed 

Cheryl1000, I am so sorry to hear about this.   Even though I have grieved myself for the lost of my wife, I cannot imagine what you have been going through with the succession losses.  I am terribly sorry.   First off, I would like to say that you have found a safe place to share your feelings.   We all have been through a partner loss and many of the feelings you have or will go through have been experienced by others here.    With respect to therapy, I would like to suggest that you check in with other therapists to find one that is suitable for you.   Seeing one therapist without much progress does not neccesarily mean it's not right for you -- it may just be that you're not a match with that particular therapist.  I would encourage you to try someone else.  As for the grief support group, try to see if you can find one that's partner specific or one that's for the loss of a child.  For me, I think my earlier days were so heavy and dark that I needed something that was specific to my loss -- being in a "general" group helped, but it wasn't very helpful.    The feelings and thoughts which you have described are all normal.   The initial grieving period is going to be the darkest and heaviest.   Yes, life does feel like it's at a standstill and it feels like you are just going through the motions each day, with no real purpose as you look forward.  Try not to look forward too much, if any at all.  Try to just stay at the moment and don't think about all the things that you will not see.  I know it's difficult but I think it's important to live in the moment.  Focus on what you need to survive today as oppose to down the road.  Being at home alone, without those who would normally be around is a huge adjustment as you can tell.  It took me a while to be able to walk through the front door without being hurt.  It's still sad today everytime I walk through the door, but it's different.  It's no longer the dreaded, dark, lonely feeling of knowing that I'm walking into an empty house.   It does in some way still feel that way, but it's different in the sense that I have gotten acclimated to this new environment.  It doesn't make it right, but our body will adapt.    Cheryl, you are a strong person and you've made it through the first 6-months already.   As you can see, it's entirely possible for you to continue life and carry on.  I know it's not the route you chose, but we're pretty much stuck with what we have.     Do you have a support system?  Are you living alone?   Again, I am terribly sorry for what you are going through.   We are all ears here.

[KayC]

She is very fortunate.  My sister wasn't so lucky.  Her accident was 50 years ago, but she is quadriplegic, she does not have use of her arms, hers hands, nor can she communicate because they butchered her vocal chords in their emergency tracheotomy.  Recently she was hospitalized and they did not feed her for three days.  When we found out we were outraged!  Their response?  "We didn't think she could eat."  What?!!  That is the epitome of futility...to not even be able to tell someone you are hungry.

But the Iron Lady is right, a wheelchair cannot confine someone.  It is the inner strength that is important.  My sister is my inspiration.  She has so much less than this lady does, her three year old was killed in the accident, her four month old taken from her because she could not take care of him anymore.  My parents took care of him but four years later his father, who had never bothered to lay eyes on him, came and kidnapped him to another country.  Not because he loved him, he did not even know him, but because his own child with the mistress he'd had an affair with while married to my sister, their own child was born severely retarded...and so he thought, "I have a perfectly good child in the states, I'll come take him."  For a year we did not even know where he was, let alone how he was.  Eventually we got him back and my parents adopted him.

My family has had many tragedies, but Donna, my oldest sister, has learned to be content with her life.  She has lost everything and had to live a life without much good in it.  Yet she is surrounded by people who love her and she still retains her amazing intelligence and wonderful sense of humor.  The accident left her with paranoia, which she'd never had before, she can't be around computers and even t.v. sometimes bothers her, but she can read, she can watch what's going on.  She has learned to appreciate what is rather than lamenting what isn't.  We can do the same.

[LoveD]

Kayc, it is a heart-broken to read your sister’s story.  I admire her strength!  I need this inspiration even though the motivation only lasts for half an hour in my mind.  Every day I force myself to do things to keep me busy, but inside my heart is still aching.  A lot of time I want to get old fast, wishing to reach 65 years.

[KayC]

In the beginning it was not that way, she wanted to die and the pits is when you can't even commit suicide!  She is completely helpless and dependent on others.  It took time for her to process and accept her altered position in life.  She grieved all that was.  And now we are grieving, not our loss of freedom and independence, but we are grieving a relationship that was ripped from us and it affects every aspect of our lives.  The correlation is very similar.  We can still feed ourselves, dress ourselves, brush our own teeth, ask for help, but in many ways our lives are just as altered.  I figure if she can be content in life, then I need to find the strength to do so also.