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Traumatised by my brother's death


Janey

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I am new to this forum and don't know if I'm using it correctly but I need help. My brother died 2 days ago after a long battle with cancer. We were with him regularly (we live 3 hours away) and constantly in the final days.  He deteriorated so quickly at the end and died with all his family around him

 I had expected his death to be peaceful but just before he died he spent 20minutes shouting for us to help him and screaming. He finally calmed when the nurse came round and sedated him

 He died soon after.  I am haunted by his final 24 hours and am having panic attacks where I am convinced the only way I will feel better is to get him back.  I am overwhelmed with pain and grief.

 

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Dear Janey,

Sending you love and hugs. I am so sorry. I know its really hard right now. Please know we are all here for you. I know words are inadequate during such a difficult time. I hope you will reach out and consider talking to a grief counsellor.

Thinking of you.  With all my thoughts and prayers.

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I'm very sorry for your loss Janey. It must have been horrible to see your brother shouting and screaming like that and that is a difficult memory to live with. 

My brother died last year and I can relate to your experience. He was a very healthy and fit teenager and he was in an accident and ended up in a coma. His body was struggling to stay alive and we were told that he would not be able to breathe without a machine or talk, eat etc. On the day we said goodbye we were told that his body was slowly giving up and we had to let him go. Seeing him take his last breaths was horrific for my whole family as he took an hour to stop breathing off the machine and you could see his body was trying to fight. I sometimes experience flashbacks and panic attacks and struggle with this memory. 

I think I possibly have PTSD over this incident and it sounds like you may be experiencing the same. 

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Janey,

I am so very sorry, I myself also lost my brother almost 2 1/2 years ago to stage 4 lung cancer. It was just awful watching him go through that, he passed after 7 months of diagnosis at only 41 years old... horrible! There are no words, fortunately, unlike your brother's situation... my brother was heavily sedated and did go peacefully. However, days building up to his death was horrible, pain, etc. I am so extremely sorry for your loss and the thoughts that you are dealing witih, I am here if you ever need to talk. I also am having a very difficult time dealing with the whole ordeal still. I do believe some form of therapy for your situation can be helpful :( Write if you would like!

D

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Nicole-my grief journey

Oh Janey, I am so sorry. It is more than anyone should have to go through. My brother had stage 4 adrenal cancer and (for  years the days in the icu pained me). Screams, then nothing, then feeling that I could see his pain and that we were helpless to do anything. I know those moments for you had to be heartwrenching and it makes sense why they would linger. We eventualy had to make the decision to shut off the machine because his lungs filled with fluid and so I played his favorite music, had a priest give the last rights, and held his hand as he took his last breaths. After, I had to go back in as a witness and sign the death certificate. I was 28 at the time and it ripped my heart in two. What helped me eventually (because I was numb for a long time and then in fivht or flight mode) was going to a grief cancer support group and individual therapy. It’s hard at first, but if you stick with it, the trauma feelings change and you’ll get coping tools. You’ll always grieve the loss, but it will change. Just hold on and try to put your feet on the floor every day and get out of bed. That’s what I’m doing. I’m back to square one with a loss of a different brother. Sometimes it’s hard to breath and I feel like I can’t go on, but I put my feet on the floor, stand up and then go to the simplist task first, and then the next. One day at a time, hour by hour. I also write a short note everynight about what I am feeling, or needing, or to my brother and then put it in my God box. It’s a promise to myself and to those I’ve lost that I will go on and try to live the best life I can like they would want me too. We will all get there if we keep sharing our feelings, encouraging each other and get professional help to guide us. Feeling the feelings is the only way to be able ro move through. Never leting go, but changing the type of grief. Hugs, Nicole

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Dear Janey, Grievingmysibling

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. It is very painful and believe me I understand that very well.

I am in a similar situation in life. My dearest identical twin brother left us suddenly few weeks ago. He was 39, father of 2 little angels and a kind, strong and successful person.

We still don't know what took him but we believe his heart suddenly stopped. No history of any illness before that.

Believe me he was the closest confidant I ever had. We spent the maximum time together in the last 39 yrs of our existence. We were practically inseparable. Studied, played, slept, fought, travelled , drank ...we did everything together. Even after getting married we had our own lives but we're still bonded together like no other.

I too can't seem to find anyone who can even begin to comprehend my pain let alone understand. I feel alone, guilty, sad, and haunted by what ifs..my wife tries her best but she could never understand what losing a twin could mean.

I agree with Grievingmysibling that we can help each other since  we can feel each other's pain and I am here for you..if you need to talk ...God knows I certainly do..

Hope you find peace soon..

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