Will it ever get better?

[Teddi]

I have lost both my husband and mother in the last 9 months.  I miss them terribly.  My mother had dementia so it was almost a blessing.  My husband had been in and out of the hospital the year before he passed. I miss the little things we had like going out to eat, shopping and just having my best friend with me. I know the holidays are going to be rough. Sometimes I feel so alone and wonder if things will ever really get better.

[LadyWalker]

@Teddi

I'm not sure when things will get better or more manageable. I too  understand that feeling of loneliness. I'm so nervous about the holidays. I'm truly sorry that you've experienced so much heartache. I hope that you continue to find the strength to make it from day to day. I can say coming here has actually been a great help and comfort to me and I hope it will be the same for you. 

[KMB]

Teddi,  I am so sorry for your double loss and what you have been enduring.  There are no words to describe the pain of grieving. I lost my husband suddenly, a little over a year ago and I still struggle. The loneliness of their physical absence leaves us with a heavy heart and a constant cloud of sadness hanging over us.

Your feelings are the norms for grieving. We have all been there and still there. I use to feel that I was going insane with the all consuming pain. I was barely functioning. Things do get less difficult over time. One moment, one hour, one day, at a time. It doesn't help worrying about the future. We don't know the future and we have enough to deal with in just to get through the current day. A support system of family and friends, the ones who will be there for you, no matter for what or for how long. I have a very small family and friend group, so I also went to a grief support group through the local hospice. I live in a rural area where resources are hard to come by, unless you want to drive an hour or more one way. Otherwise, I would have gone to a grief therapist, if one had been available.

I certainly know what you mean with your husband being your best friend. My husband and I were the same. We were always together. All the little things of daily life are gone. All the routines, the discussions and bantering. No more looking at each other and knowing what the others thoughts were before speaking them. No more hand holding or hugs or anything. So many things and they are just memories now. This is the toughest, cruelest road to be on now, the road without our life partner. I am sorry your mother is not here to help you through this either. It must be very hard for you to cope.

I am dreading the holidays also. Nothing is the same without our loved ones. Everything feels so meaningless. I skipped the holidays last year for the most part, but, this year, I will have to make an effort for the kids and my granddaughter. I cannot let them down again. I have always been the glue for the family, but the glue for me, was my husband. I am never going to be my whole self until I am reunited with him. It is a waiting game for me now and it sucks.

So, we go into survival mode the best we can. We don't have a choice. We try to get through the days and cry ourselves to sleep at night.

Sending prayers to you for strength, comfort and eventual peace.

[Francine]

6 hours ago, Teddi said:

I have lost both my husband and mother in the last 9 months.  I miss them terribly.  My mother had dementia so it was almost a blessing.  My husband had been in and out of the hospital the year before he passed. I miss the little things we had like going out to eat, shopping and just having my best friend with me. I know the holidays are going to be rough. Sometimes I feel so alone and wonder if things will ever really get better.

I am so sorry for both you losses; and to lose such close persons in your life in a relatively short period of time, must be beyond devastating.  I don't think things get better; they get different in time.  You'll survive; that's the first thing they tell you after you lose someone.  And you know what, they're right. In time, you will find a way to pick up the pieces and move on.  What they don't mention is survival and happiness aren't always the same thing.  Just breathe and know you will survive this.  I strongly believe in God and faith and I know that HE will never leave us.  Life has thrown much our way and despite how difficult things are, we will survive. You won't ever be the same; that person is forever gone. You'll be different, perhaps even alien.  What I do is just  breathe, and trust God.  As hard as it will get, (and it will get hard); no matter how hopeless things seem; don't give up, keep pushing forward.  Sometimes when I feel like I'm drowning, I don't worry because my lifeguard walks on water.

 

 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry, Teddi, for both your losses.  I just finished posting this for Cheryl, but want to for you also, it's an article I wrote based on my 12 year journey of grief.    Keep coming here, it does help to know you're heard and those of us here...we "get it".

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Azipod]

On 11/18/2017 at 10:40 AM, Teddi said:

I have lost both my husband and mother in the last 9 months.  I miss them terribly.  My mother had dementia so it was almost a blessing.  My husband had been in and out of the hospital the year before he passed. I miss the little things we had like going out to eat, shopping and just having my best friend with me. I know the holidays are going to be rough. Sometimes I feel so alone and wonder if things will ever really get better.

Teddi, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  We've all lost someone special here so we all understand how terrible this journey has been for you.  It is terrible for all of us.   Things don't get better, per se.    Better in my book, means that it gets better than how it was before I lost my partner.    However, in grief lingo, better just means an improvement relative to some other period.   Personally, I don't believe things get better.   It is just "different."   At some point, we adjust to our new environment, our new life, and perhaps the pain intensity softens.  It's different, but it's not neccesarily better because our loved ones are not here.  So how can it actuallly be better?   It is just different.   

In my earlier months, I was in a complete fog.  I cried all the time and wished every moment that I would get run over by a truck.   Today, I am no longer in a fog, I cry less often, and I don't neccesarily want to die.   Also today, I am likely 90% functional as a person.    Even though the days are more manageable for me now, at the end of the day, I'm still missing my wife like crazy and I miss everything about her.    The sadness and the pain is still there.   So am I really better?    Yes in terms of being functional.  But in terms of being happy as a person, and with my life, No.  I will never be better because my wife is gone -- she will never be back.  If she's gone for good, then no, it's not possible for me to be better ..... just different.

[LoveGoli]

2 hours ago, Azipod said:

Teddi, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  We've all lost someone special here so we all understand how terrible this journey has been for you.  It is terrible for all of us.   Things don't get better, per se.    Better in my book, means that it gets better than how it was before I lost my partner.    However, in grief lingo, better just means an improvement relative to some other period.   Personally, I don't believe things get better.   It is just "different."   At some point, we adjust to our new environment, our new life, and perhaps the pain intensity softens.  It's different, but it's not neccesarily better because our loved ones are not here.  So how can it actuallly be better?   It is just different.   

In my earlier months, I was in a complete fog.  I cried all the time and wished every moment that I would get run over by a truck.   Today, I am no longer in a fog, I cry less often, and I don't neccesarily want to die.   Also today, I am likely 90% functional as a person.    Even though the days are more manageable for me now, at the end of the day, I'm still missing my wife like crazy and I miss everything about her.    The sadness and the pain is still there.   So am I really better?    Yes in terms of being functional.  But in terms of being happy as a person, and with my life, No.  I will never be better because my wife is gone -- she will never be back.  If she's gone for good, then no, it's not possible for me to be better ..... just different.

You said so true, at the end of the day we missed them so much. Just wanted to be with him, talk with him. From last week I am feeling like I am going backwards, last month I managed so good and thought I can do it but from last week I don't know what happened , I am missing him freaking hard, and just wanted to be with him. I know this journey is roller coaster ride and one day you feel better and the other same day its so worse. From last week I am crying like initial days specially on weekends ,  weekends scaring me again like initial days, like we used to talk. 

Life is so hard without him, I wish I can go to him and be with him. Today morning I had chest pain and all I wanted that time to heart failure but my bad luck, pain gone after few hours and I am still alive.

Lots of hugs for you.

[KayC]

I also lost my mother to dementia three years ago, it's hard because she was the one person that understood about my losing my husband, my dad had been gone for 32 years.

[Paluka]

Teddi,

I am very sorry that you are going through all of this. I think that grief tends to compound itself; that is, multiple losses can create an even greater sense of pain. I know for me it creates a reliving of prior deaths. It can feel so overwhelming, brutal, relentless, etc. There are no accurate words. All I know for sure it that it's painful and we do lose them every day. Every day I live is another day without Lauri. I do not want it to be this way but I have no choice. Sometimes it feels like we were together a lifetime ago but other times I fall apart.

Please be careful and be gentle with yourself. People told me this and it is definitely needed. I am a problem-solver and there is no quick fix or any type of solution to this other than to live each day the best we can. God Bless You.

 

[Azipod]

1 hour ago, Paluka said:

Please be careful and be gentle with yourself. People told me this and it is definitely needed. I am a problem-solver and there is no quick fix or any type of solution to this other than to live each day the best we can. God Bless You.

 

That can't be said enough.  We need to be nice, take care of ourselves, and like you said, be gentle.   For me, I've realized that grief is not a problem.  Nothing about grief makes sense -- it is not logical.   Therefore, it cannot be solved with the mind.  Grief is a process, a very long one.   It needs to be experienced and faced head on using our heart.   The healing needs to come within.

[Azipod]

21 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

You said so true, at the end of the day we missed them so much. Just wanted to be with him, talk with him. From last week I am feeling like I am going backwards, last month I managed so good and thought I can do it but from last week I don't know what happened , I am missing him freaking hard, and just wanted to be with him. I know this journey is roller coaster ride and one day you feel better and the other same day its so worse. From last week I am crying like initial days specially on weekends ,  weekends scaring me again like initial days, like we used to talk. 

Life is so hard without him, I wish I can go to him and be with him. Today morning I had chest pain and all I wanted that time to heart failure but my bad luck, pain gone after few hours and I am still alive.

Lots of hugs for you.

What you are feeling is normal.  Even though I have progressed, there is still a part of me that just wants to die.  That way, I can be with my wife and don't have to deal with this for the decades left in my life.     The roller coaster feeling you described in your post is normal as well.  It's actually a reflection of you progressing as well.   Earlier on during my grief, someone said that "You will feel worse because you are getting better."    I didn't know what this meant.  But now that I've experienced it, I know exactly what it means.    Things will always be up and down.  The fact that you are experiencing up and downs means that you are progressing -- working through the grief.   That's not to say everything is good and dandy.  But at least you are traveling forward, facing the grief like you are suppose to.         Hugs to you too!

[Stonesie]

On 11/18/2017 at 1:40 PM, Teddi said:

I have lost both my husband and mother in the last 9 months.  I miss them terribly.  My mother had dementia so it was almost a blessing.  My husband had been in and out of the hospital the year before he passed. I miss the little things we had like going out to eat, shopping and just having my best friend with me. I know the holidays are going to be rough. Sometimes I feel so alone and wonder if things will ever really get better.

I'm sorry for your loss.  I really am.  It's a very sad club to belong to :/

I think we are all worried about the holidays.  This will be the first Thanksgiving for me without Kevin in 30 years...and Christmas Day is the day he died last year.  I wish there were a fast forward button so that it won't hurt so much.

I truly wish I could put a timeline on how long it takes to get better...I'm less than a year into loss of my husband.  I lost my mom in 2003...and I still think of and miss her every day.  The physical hurt has dulled a bit with her but the loss of Kevin is still as raw as can be.

Hang on to hope that things will get better.  They won't be the same but I cannot imagine that things will hurt so much forever.