Straight Up Angry., What Now?

[Dots89]

I lost my mom a year and a half ago; it still hasn't felt that long. I've honestly been too busy with life or too busy being angry, mainly with my sister. You see my sister and I have been grieving quite differently. I was a bit closer with my mom and my sister was sort if...a mess. So it was too little too late to really patch anything up. Fast forward to my sister moving across the country to live in the same city as me and for a few months we lived together and it sucked after my mom died we were complete strangers. 

The reason I am so fucking pissed...

My mom wanted to write a book about her life, my sister and I both had the idea (very separately) to write it. At the beginning we said we would write it together and because of our weird dynamic I sat by myself to make notes and my thoughts on it and decided maybe bring it up when we didn't want to kill each other. 

We have talked a bit and wanted to spend time reconnecting but I feel I have just opened up myself to a world of hurt. She mentioned just a week ago that she's been writing mom's book and when she's done she would like my input.

My first thoughts were, "Oh, thanks! I'm so happy I can have input on my mother." I makes me feel less important, like I'm some outsider and I feel very lonely. She doesn't ask me how I am and I can't talk to her about my grief because she doesn't listen genuinely and even over the phone I can hear her eyes glaze over and feel her mind wander. I usually get a, "just ask mom for a sign, she listens."

Well great, as long as I talk to the air and imagine my mom life will be just fine. Why am I going home for Christmas?  

[Kitt]

They say that people go through 5 stages of grief:

Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think we all deal with our grief in our own way. Your sister is dealing with it in her own way. It sounds like she is trying to bury herself in memories so that she doesn't have to face that fact that she wasn't close to your mom. She probably also feels guilty for not spending more time with her. These are all guesses based on your story.

You feel anger at her for taking over something you were both going to do together. You feel alone because your mom and you were close and you no longer have that closeness with anyone else. I fully understand that closeness. I had that with my mom and when she passed, I felt that loss acutely because I don't have that with anyone else.

You are important. You were important to your mom. Now you just need to realise that you are important to you. 

Write your book. Maybe, in the end, you and your sister can join it together. Have half the book be from your perspective and half from hers. Just an idea.

Sending you hugs.

[sadandlost]

Dear Dots89,

I'm very sorry for your loss.  In some ways I can relate to your story.  I was very close to my mom.  My sister wasn't.  My mom and I had a special bond, my sister did not.  She was cold and disinterested and used my mom.  My sister and I have never connected.  Its a painful relationship.  My mom thought she was jealous of me.  I have no idea why?  She was jealous of the closeness of our relationship my mom thought.  So she used to attack and demean me with her nasty comments.  I used to say nothing but I endured it throughout my life.  I always knew after my mom died we wouldn't be in contact and without going into the long story of what happened, I'd say we are estranged from each other.  I'm relieved.  I hope it lasts forever!

Regarding your book.  You will both have different perspectives.  I would say, write your own book!  But also Kitt has a point.  The first half could be one perspective, the 2nd part another.  If you feel betrayed and you can't trust her than write your book yourself.  Sorry for your loss.  They say loss often changes family dynamics and relationships within the family.  Honour your mom as you want to.