My daily struggle

[JohnK]

Its just over 2 months since I had to have my best friend put to sleep. He was a 4 year old French Bulldog called Biggie, and I am completely lost without him. In my eyes, he was still a pup, and I had to make the decision to have him put to sleep. He had a few issues over his short life, and I did as much as I could to ensure he lived well, but the final straw we couldn't avoid and I couldn't protect him anymore. I feel like I let him down. 

I struggle to talk about him, think about him, or even look at pictures of him without getting massively upset, frustrated, angry or guilty.. and thats just the half of it. I read a few forums and posts on here before signing up, and I felt like it could be a good process to get everything out in words to people I don't know. 

Like I have said, Biggie was my best friend. I feel he was sort of my coping mechanism for life. He was by my side through a bunch of stuff like a relationship breakdown, friendship breakdowns, and self employed work stress. His support was always unwavering, always by my side and 100% dependable.

I feel upset because I couldn't protect him, and he's not here anymore. I also feel upset because he's not here.

I feel frustrated because he lived such a short life and he was such a great dog. His character was the best, he made me better. I feel frustrated because I use to get frustrated with his medical issues. Ear scratching, paw chewing etc, all due to severe allergies, and I used to be strict with him. 

I feel angry because I am not sure whether I gave him the best life for those 4 years he could have had. I feel angry at myself for telling him off and smacking his bum when he was misbehaving. I feel most anger that a dog who was just so nice didn't live a full life with me at his side. 

I feel guilty with all of the above and more. My guilt feels like complete turmoil and one I am not sure how to deal with without him being here. My coping mechanism is no longer here, and instead he is  my daily struggle. 

I read a lot of posts on heartache, and how the heart actually hurts - well thats me. I hadn't cried in over 10 years to do with anything unless it was Biggie related. This included family members passing. I haven't cried for a couple of weeks, well not properly, until today. 

Inside my own mind, he is the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing I think about when I go to sleep, and every second in between. But I cannot speak to people about him, or look at pictures. I find it too painful. 

I guess I wanted to just get whats in my head out in the open. Biggie was mischievous, loving, lazy, handsome and my best friend. I miss him dearly and will do every single day. 

John

[AJWCat]

Hi John,

I am so sorry to hear about your sweet guy, Biggie. And that it was as short as it was.  I understand all of your feelings. It is heartbreaking to lose such a close companion like Biggie was for you. 

I lost my cat who actually lived a pretty long life (we had him from age 5 to 15) but died suddenly and not pleasantly either which makes me angry. And I was helpless to fix it. Like you, I move from gut wrenching grief to anger to guilt and back again. That is just how this goes. 

I've read here (from KayC) the depth of your grief is the depth of your love. It sounds true for you and Biggie. You should feel everything you are feeling. The anger and frustration is reasonable. Guilt... not so much. We all have terrible guilt because we are completely lost and want to feel some sort of control.

Unfortunately, all you can do is grieve... be sad, let out your emotions, and move through a day at a time. After we lost our cat, I could barely function for the first few weeks. Nothing brought me joy. Everything was pretty dark. I am now at just over 3 months. I am much better many days and yet I find I am still terribly sad. So, all I can do is come here. Write out my feelings. Try to help others because I know what this process is like. And it sucks. I hope you feel a little better sharing Biggie's story here. I love his picture and I know you will never forget him and though you had too short a time together, you gave him a happy life.

For me, I can't live without a cat. Sometime soon we will rescue/adopt another cat. (A new cat will never replace what I had with our other.) So maybe in the future there will be a dog that you can give a good home to. Not to replace Biggie (no animal could!) but there a lot of dogs that need homes. 

[KayC]

John,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Biggie, it's so hard, their eyes, their trust, it's no wonder they are our best friend, our companion, they're so loyal and wonderful to live with.  AJW is right, there's no way through the grief but straight through it, pain and all.  He may have only lived four years with you but I'm sure they were four good years and you did the best with him you could.  I have a cat that suffers from allergies, I have to keep my home totally free of fleas, flea dirt, etc., even one tiny speck is enough to make her break out in scabs all over her body, not 1/4" of it not covered!  I give her allergy medicine every day but that only does so much.  I'm sorry you're missing your companion. 

Sometimes it helps to memorialize them, a way of honoring them and channeling our grief into something constructive or positive.  I've bought markers for my pets and one for my husband to mark where I laid his ashes in my backyard...my kids call it "the family plot", it's where I want my ashes put to rest someday.  Personal Creations did a beautiful job with the markers, usually about $30, they have promotional codes that help.  

Some people build a rock garden, plant a tree or bush, or set up a corner of their home with their collar, a picture, their favorite chew toy.  It is a way of remembering them with a special place of honor.