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Skywise

I Just Can't Do This Without Him

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Skywise   

I lost my darling husband to cancer on 28/10 this year.

He wasn't diagnosed until the middle of September and it was just one blow after another on an almost weekly basis until,at our first appointment with her, the Oncologist told us that his liver was too badly damaged for chemo and we only had about 2 weeks.  He died 16 days later in my arms at home.

There was only the 2 of us. We met quite late in life, I was 40 and he was 51. We had 15 years together and they were such happy years. We never fought or argued. We had a quiet little life in our quiet little home and were just - happy...

I never wanted to outlive him. I always said that, if he died first, I would follow him as soon as possible.  But he's trapped me here.  He made me promise that I would stay alive to take care of our cat because we promised her a forever home and I have to see that through. He made me promise and he knew I would keep my promise because I'd never lie to him.

I just feel that I  can't do this without him. I find myself cursing Chloe because she's trapped me here when all I want to do is follow Clive. Don't misunderstand me, I would never hurt her or be cruel to her. I love her. But she's keeping me where I don't want to be.  All I can think about is being with him in silence - making the pain go away and feeling that peace I used to find in his arms.  Every breath is a breath too much.  No one tells you that the pain is so physical. The pain in my chest is unbearable  - I can't scream or cry it away so I'm trying to stay numb and self medicating with alcohol. My sister took away the leftover morphine. I think she knew it would be too much of a temptation to me.  

I read in a book that "Widowhood isn't for sissies".  I suppose I'm a sissy then because I know I won't be able to live this pain for the next 20 or 30 years. 20 or 30 minutes is as much as I can do.

I know I probably sound melodramatic but it's honestly how I feel. Every morning I cry when I wake up, simply because I've woken up again and didn't die in the night. Every day is a day too many.

I don't know why I'm posting this really.  I suppose it's just that it's late,  I've had some wine and I just wanted to say it someone.

Thanks for listening.

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It’s not melodramatic at all. My beautiful wife died five months ago and I still think I can’t do this on a daily basis. I cry every day. I text her all day to tell her I can’t do this without her. What you’re feeling is normal. We’re trapped her just like you said. There’s no escape 

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Freewill   
1 hour ago, Skywise said:

I lost my darling husband to cancer on 28/10 this year.

He wasn't diagnosed until the middle of September and it was just one blow after another on an almost weekly basis until,at our first appointment with her, the Oncologist told us that his liver was too badly damaged for chemo and we only had about 2 weeks.  He died 16 days later in my arms at home.

There was only the 2 of us. We met quite late in life, I was 40 and he was 51. We had 15 years together and they were such happy years. We never fought or argued. We had a quiet little life in our quiet little home and were just - happy...

I never wanted to outlive him. I always said that, if he died first, I would follow him as soon as possible.  But he's trapped me here.  He made me promise that I would stay alive to take care of our cat because we promised her a forever home and I have to see that through. He made me promise and he knew I would keep my promise because I'd never lie to him.

I just feel that I  can't do this without him. I find myself cursing Chloe because she's trapped me here when all I want to do is follow Clive. Don't misunderstand me, I would never hurt her or be cruel to her. I love her. But she's keeping me where I don't want to be.  All I can think about is being with him in silence - making the pain go away and feeling that peace I used to find in his arms.  Every breath is a breath too much.  No one tells you that the pain is so physical. The pain in my chest is unbearable  - I can't scream or cry it away so I'm trying to stay numb and self medicating with alcohol. My sister took away the leftover morphine. I think she knew it would be too much of a temptation to me.  

I read in a book that "Widowhood isn't for sissies".  I suppose I'm a sissy then because I know I won't be able to live this pain for the next 20 or 30 years. 20 or 30 minutes is as much as I can do.

I know I probably sound melodramatic but it's honestly how I feel. Every morning I cry when I wake up, simply because I've woken up again and didn't die in the night. Every day is a day too many.

I don't know why I'm posting this really.  I suppose it's just that it's late,  I've had some wine and I just wanted to say it someone.

Thanks for listening.

Hang on there sky...we can really feel exactly how you feel..

Be strong..(hug and tap on your back)you are not alone..

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KayC   

Skywise,

I am so sorry for your loss...this loss that has turned your world upside down.  I feel I have to have animals in my life to ensure I keep going for them, so I don't think of them as trapping me, but as giving me reason and purpose to live, they are the joy I have left.

I lost my husband 12 1/2 years ago.  I remember not wanting to live, I wanted to wrap my car around a tree 120 mph, but I couldn't do that because of my faith and my family.  But it was hard to keep living, I didn't know how to do life without him.

I've always been strong and independent.  I met George in my 40s, I was 52 and he'd just turned 51 when he died.  Funny how quickly he changed my life!  We instantly clicked and related to each other like no other.  The adjustment to our married life was so seemingly effortless, we were so happy together, we were a perfect fit in every way, we just went together.  Even though we were only married 3 years 8 months, our melding was so strong, so complete, life without him has never been the same, nor will it ever be.  I have learned to live alone, it's not like it was before I met him, I'm not like I was before, I'm forever changed by having had him in my life, and I'm forever changed for this experience, this loss, this grief.  I can never take life for granted again, I know it can change in the blink of an eye in any given moment.

It's taken concerted effort to look for any semblance of good in life, no matter how small, no matter how fleeting, to embrace it, to live in this present moment.  I can't take on the whole "rest of my life", it's overwhelming and daunting...I can only do today, that is enough.  Even when we smile or find something joyous for a moment, we still carry our grief inside, it's like a double-edged sword we adjust to having as our everyday companion.

But I live with the hope and faith that we'll be together again, that keeps me going.  You may not be feeling it right now, you haven't had time to even process his death, let alone build a life you can live or find purpose, it takes much time to be there, years...

Meanwhile, we go through our journeys together, and it helps so much to have these here on this forum to go through this with, knowing they "get it", that we can share our most innermost thoughts here and be heard.  Hang in there, do it today, and then tomorrow get up and do it all over again, that was the best advice ever given me.

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