I miss my sister everyday

[soph]

I'm trying to deal with my sisters passing and I've been trying to think away the pain, which I know is unhealthy, but I'm scared that if I breakdown, I will be broken forever, I miss her so much and I want to hear her voice and feel her holding my hand or giving my a hug I want to be greedy and selfish and hoard all her stuff so I can keep her close, everyday I regret so much of went on between us, dumb **** I never apologized for, time spent together i wasted,  I'm scared I will forget her I'm scared I will not be able to give her children the answers they will ask me one day.

Me and my sisters, it was always us against the world no matter the odds we had each others backs.

Brought up rough, we turned to each other first, and knew that we would walk through fire for each other. We were a set, our husbands soon realized you couldn't have one without the others popping in too

My sister killer herself out of grief for her husband who died of cancer two weeks earlier, all the time to prepare did nothing to lessen the blow, they had 5 kids who are distraught to put it mildly at the loss of their mum and dad. I know she fkd up and in that low moment she chose the perceived oblivion of death than feel the pain all the time. It wasn't her first rock bottom in her life, just the first time she didn't come back from it.

 Im not angry at her for killing herself, I don't care about the how of her death,  dead is dead,

I'm lonely and heartbroken and confused I don't want to do anything but be numb, I am angry at ahole ppl who made my last moments with her stressful I was trying to be with her as much as possible before I closed her casket never to see her face again, it sucks that I let these ppl get in my way but there was fk all I could do at the time 

I'm angry that those ppl robbed me of our time, and I hate ppl who give lip service and are disingenuous

I put on my bullshit happy face and nod and smile everyday. 

I'm doing fine... A generic answer for a generic question asked all the time rather than the truth that I'm fkd up inside

[ModKonnie]

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your sister and her husband, and I'm sorry you are angry at those who didn't let you have your moments. It's so tough to know how to deal with all this. 

Of course you miss her and love her! I can tell you that while right now the pain is unbearable, it will get easier in time. It actually is quite normal to feel very angry, not necessarily at her but just angry. You will never forget her. Ever. You will find a way to help her children deal with all of this. Give it a little bit of time. Just love them and her. Grieve, cry and talk. Just be there for them. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie