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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
LadyWalker

I have to believe we'll me again

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It's almost two months now since I lost my love. I had spent 13 years in a meaningless marriage that ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me. I met Shannon a couple of years after it all went down the drain. I wasn't looking for anyone but for the first time I did not want to find the strength to fight him off, like so many other's. We built a friendship first. Around about a year, my feelings were involved but he would give mixed signals, so I backed away. He let his pride get in the way and I let fear get in the way. We had some time apart and realized we didn't like it... We hated it. We started back up in February and we started our friendship back up and finally let our guards down. We brought our kids together. We started attending family gatherings. We became inseparable. We were planning to get a place together and he told me that he always knew that I was supposed to be his wife. He went into ER September 15th, he was admitted. His night nurse said he would go home in a couple of days. Due to negligence, I had to watch him exit this side. I feel like life stopped and we were cheated. He would have been turning 37 this Thursday and I will a month later.  We/he invested more in three years than any one else in my life. He was my best friend, I just have to believe that meet again 

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KayC   

Lady Walker,

Your love story is beautiful and I'm so sorry you are deprived of being together right now.  I too believe with all my heart we'll be together again, I can't imagine otherwise.  Not everyone believes the same thing but most of us here do share in that belief. That hope keeps me going.

I hope you'll continue to come here and read the posts and write, it really does help to all go through this together.

I just shared this article I wrote a few months ago with someone else here and want to share it with you as well, being as you're new to this.  I wish you much comfort.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Q@KayC

Thanks for your words of comfort and strength. I have found that the only way to understand this pain, is to experience such loss. I know by some of the help tips that you actually get it. I'm tired of being judged for my grieving process. I feel lonely without him. I  really don't have anyone to talk to now. We literally shared everything. I have started counseling. I also took a job for less pay just because it's home health care and I may be able to provide comfort and companionship to someone else. My fiance has a cousin who lost her fiance just two months before he passed, so we encourage and strengthen each other. Yes, life has taken a huge turn and now I'm suddenly not so afraid of death any more. I don't want to die. I just want to finish my course and pray that he's waiting for me. I wait for signs to feel him around me but I can't. We had both gone through it pretty rough in life. He was just making amends with himself and enjoying life as a father, a man, a son, a brother and the love of my life. He had never met a woman like me before. We were constantly saying how we brought out the best in each other. He had recently told me how he had witnessed other people's happiness and other's who constantly smile. He said that he did not know what that was like but that he now smiled everyday. He told me that it was one thing to decide to be in a relationship but for him it was the moment that he realized that he could not imagine living the rest of his life without me. I still struggle with watching him go from himself to departing. Everyone says that I'm fortunate to have been with him up until his last moment. Yes, we did get to say I love you and hold each other. It's bittersweet because I watched it play out and now I keep trying to find ways to undo it. He is simply irreplaceable and one of a kind. 

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Francine   
7 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

It's almost two months now since I lost my love. I had spent 13 years in a meaningless marriage that ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me. I met Shannon a couple of years after it all went down the drain. I wasn't looking for anyone but for the first time I did not want to find the strength to fight him off, like so many other's. We built a friendship first. Around about a year, my feelings were involved but he would give mixed signals, so I backed away. He let his pride get in the way and I let fear get in the way. We had some time apart and realized we didn't like it... We hated it. We started back up in February and we started our friendship back up and finally let our guards down. We brought our kids together. We started attending family gatherings. We became inseparable. We were planning to get a place to and he told me that he always knew that I was supposed to be his wife. He went into ER September 15th, he was admitted His night nurse said he would go home in a couple of days. Due to negligence, I had to watch him exit this side. I feel like life stopped and we were cheated. He would have been turning 37 this Thursday and I will a month later.  We invested more in three years than any one else on my life. I just have to believe that meet again 

I am so sorry for your loss; it sounds so sad and yet so beautiful.  Sort of like a fairytale but without the *Happily Ever After* ending that we all want.   I know all the emotions you are experiencing and know its only natural.   Try remembering the love, not the loss.  Be grateful that you knew him if only for a short time, than not at all.  I would rather endure this inexplicable pain of outliving my Charles than to never have seen his face, spoken his name, felt his arms around me, his lips touching mine.  I would have rather been his, and he mine, regardless.  Regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights and the years I will walk this earth without him, I know I will carry him forever within my heart until I too take my last breath and we're together again.

Things will get better at some point, even if you don't see it now.  Perhaps better is not the right world to use - things will get *different*.  Take the time to grieve your loved one, you owe it to yourself and there's no time limit; but know that you'll never really stop grieving - it just won't be so frequent and severe.  As time passes, it will lesson and the sting won't be so deadly sharp.   There are no rules to this grief thing.  You can change or stay the same; you can make the best or the worst of it.  I certainly hope you make the best of it and I hope, in time, you will see things differently; I hope you experience things you never felt before; meet people with a different point view and live a life you (and your loved one) would be proud of.  If you find that you are not, I hope God gives you the strength to start over again.  We don't know what our future holds, but we know who holds our future - God. 

Losing someone so dear to us is the most difficult thing there is; sometimes the endings are not what we want or we want things on our time.  But it's not our time - It's God Time.  According to scripture,  Ecclesiates 3:2-4, states "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; ..........a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.  This earth is not our home and we all will make our transition someday.  We will be reunited with our loved ones and this time will be eternal.  No more death.  God words are true.  Scripture, Revelation 21:4 states, "He will wipe  every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

My prayer is for God to give you HIS love, strength, and Peace to help you get through this most difficult time in your life.  HE will, open your heart and watch what HE does.

 

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Q@KayC

Thanks for your words of comfort and strength. I have found that the only way to understand this pain, is to experience such loss. I know by some of the help tips that you actually get it. I'm tired of being judged for my grieving process. I feel lonely without him. I  really don't have anyone to talk to now. We literally shared everything. I have started counseling. I also took a job for less pay just because it's home health care and I may be able to provide comfort and companionship to someone else. My fiance has a cousin who lost her fiance just two months before he passed, so we encourage and strengthen each other. Yes, life has taken a huge turn and now I'm suddenly not so afraid of death any more. I don't want to die. I just want to finish my course and pray that he's waiting for me. I wait for signs to feel him around me but I can't. We had both gone through it pretty rough in life. He was just making amends with himself and enjoying life as a father, a man, a son, a brother and the love of my life. He had never met a woman like me before. We were constantly saying how we brought out the best in each other. He had recently told me how he had witnessed other people's happiness and other's who constantly smile. He said that he did not know what that was like but that he now smiled everyday. He told me that it was one thing to decide to be in a relationship but for him it was the moment that he realized that he could not imagine living the rest of his life without me. I still struggle with watching him go from himself to departing. Everyone says that I'm fortunate to have been with him up until his last moment. Yes, we did get to say I love you and hold each other. It's bittersweet because I watched it play out and now I keep trying to find ways to undo it. He is simply irreplaceable and one of a kind. 

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@Francine

I was just saying earlier that I'm still so grateful to have had an opportunity to have had such an experience of love, support and friendship. I would definitely do it again, even if it meant having the same ending. I'm still pushing but there is a void, almost like a part of me went with him. Sometimes, I literally don't know what to do with myself. I definitely have to keep pressing and daily trying to draw strength from God. Even that is not so easy anymore, I sit and call on the Lord but sometimes I'm just still, confused, and lost for words. Yes, I'm still trying to process and gain understanding. We were almost there but almost never counts. I am still continuing to build upon the relationships that I have built with his family and friends, most importantly his children. Prayers are definitely welcomed and I too will pray for you. Secretly within myself I wonder if he's upset with me for grieving this way but I can't help it, it hurts so much. Thank you for the support. 

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KayC   
18 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

Q@KayC

Thanks for your words of comfort and strength. I have found that the only way to understand this pain, is to experience such loss. I know by some of the help tips that you actually get it. I'm tired of being judged for my grieving process. I feel lonely without him. I  really don't have anyone to talk to now. We literally shared everything. I have started counseling. I also took a job for less pay just because it's home health care and I may be able to provide comfort and companionship to someone else. My fiance has a cousin who lost her fiance just two months before he passed, so we encourage and strengthen each other. Yes, life has taken a huge turn and now I'm suddenly not so afraid of death any more. I don't want to die. I just want to finish my course and pray that he's waiting for me. I wait for signs to feel him around me but I can't. We had both gone through it pretty rough in life. He was just making amends with himself and enjoying life as a father, a man, a son, a brother and the love of my life. He had never met a woman like me before. We were constantly saying how we brought out the best in each other. He had recently told me how he had witnessed other people's happiness and other's who constantly smile. He said that he did not know what that was like but that he now smiled everyday. He told me that it was one thing to decide to be in a relationship but for him it was the moment that he realized that he could not imagine living the rest of his life without me. I still struggle with watching him go from himself to departing. Everyone says that I'm fortunate to have been with him up until his last moment. Yes, we did get to say I love you and hold each other. It's bittersweet because I watched it play out and now I keep trying to find ways to undo it. He is simply irreplaceable and one of a kind. 

How I can relate to so much of what you say!  We didn't meet until our forties so we got too short a time together, only 6 1/2 years, married only 3 years 8 months, but in that time I knew the best love there could ever be and we were so close!  We could read each other's minds, we got each other so much.  I love Travis Tritt's song, "Drift off to dream", it was like that for us, alone, knowing we'd know each other when we met...and we did!  And we always slept entangled in each other's arms.  :)

They wouldn't judge us for how we grieve, by this time they realize and know how hard it is and I think if anything they want to encourage and strengthen us, comfort and love us, help us through it...until we can be together again.

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Francine   
13 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

almost like a part of me went with him. Sometimes, I literally don't know what to do with myself. I definitely have to keep pressing and daily trying to draw strength from God. Even that is not so easy anymore, I sit and call on the Lord but sometimes I'm just still, confused, and lost for words. Yes, I'm still trying to process and gain understanding. We were almost there but almost never counts. I am still continuing to build upon the relationships that I have built with his family and friends, most importantly his children. Prayers are definitely welcomed and I too will pray for you.

I feel you; actually I believe a part of us did go with them and a part of them stayed with us.  I know it's hard and where all the confusion might consume you; I too lost faith for a while and perhaps that's normal - I don't know; but I'm glad I found it.  As hard as it is now, I MUST still  believe in God; what else do I have. God said HE will never leave or forsake us, even in our lowest, loneliest moments. Through God, what we don't have, we will gain; what we gain, we lose; what we lose we regain.  This life is a cycle of gaining and losing and with faith and trust in God, for me, what I've lost will be replaced; in a different package, perhaps, but enough to make me whole  again. Scripture states in Matthew 17:20, "I tell you the truth.  If you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain Move from here to there and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."  God knows exactly what we are going through; HE sent HIS only son to go through this human experience and HE will give you the strength to make it though this. 

You got my prayers - always.  I think, for me anyway, that is whats keeping me above board and continuing.  Hang in there; we got you, but God has us all.

 

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Hello all, I am just asking for prayer and support the next couple of days. Shannon's birthday is the 16th and the 17th marks two months of his passing. I've been jittery all week. Now I have become overwhelmed with grief and sadness but I still want to celebrate his birthday. I'm hoping to push through and not withdraw. Thank you in advance for your support 

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Jokkyp   
1 hour ago, LadyWalker said:

Hello all, I am just asking for prayer and support the next couple of days. Shannon's birthday is the 16th and the 17th marks two months of his passing. I've been jittery all week. Now I have become overwhelmed with grief and sadness but I still want to celebrate his birthday. I'm hoping to push through and not withdraw. Thank you in advance for your support 

Hello, I am sorry to hear about your loss. My boyfriend passed away 10 weeks..it's been the hardest times of my life and his birthday was on 4th Nov, the day was really tough for me..if you can, please do celebrate his birthday..I pray for God''s continued comfort for you and for everyone that been supportive here on this forum. Francine, KMB, KayC and love you all❤

LadyWalker,  please push through, celebrate those days..I pray for God's strength, love and peace. 

Sending you my love at this difficult time. We will all get through this.

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KayC   
20 hours ago, Francine said:

I too lost faith for a while and perhaps that's normal

It's very common and normal in grief.  I tell people not to worry, God is there with them, He's got broad enough shoulders to take their anger, and when they're ready to come to, He'll still be there right where He's always been, alongside them.

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KayC   
8 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

Hello all, I am just asking for prayer and support the next couple of days. Shannon's birthday is the 16th and the 17th marks two months of his passing. I've been jittery all week. Now I have become overwhelmed with grief and sadness but I still want to celebrate his birthday. I'm hoping to push through and not withdraw. Thank you in advance for your support 

You've got it, Hon!  These special days are hard to know what to do with.  Do you have plans for today, will someone be with you?  Some people go out to eat at their favorite place or fix their favorite meal in their honor.  Hoping the best for you today and tomorrow...

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KayC   
6 hours ago, Jokkyp said:

his birthday was on 4th Nov, the day was really tough for me..if you can, please do celebrate his birthday..I pray for God''s continued comfort for you and for everyone that been supportive here on this forum. Francine, KMB, KayC and love you all❤

You just went through it, so you know how it feels.  I'm glad we're all here supporting each other.  I still don't know what to do with George's birthday, our anniversary, anv. of death, etc., it's hard...you'd think I'd be an old pro at it after all this time, but not sure we ever quite figure out how to do those days.  I think of him, like I always do, and remember him on those special days.  Our anniversaries are tough, you can't celebrate when they're gone, but I am thankful for the day we married regardless.

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@KayC 

I wanted to go to the lake or at the park that we termed "our spot". He loved being outdoors. We went to the lake often. We dreamt a loud there. We grilled and sipped wine, hung out on blankets and watched the boats pass or we took the boys and watched them play. I'm not ready yet, not to go on my own. I realize that I have plenty of time to get there, I don't want to rush it and make the moment  worse. I still can't stop crying when I think about him or talking about him. I'm going to get together with some of his family today and celebrate with them. 

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Francine   
12 hours ago, KayC said:

It's very common and normal in grief.  I tell people not to worry, God is there with them, He's got broad enough shoulders to take their anger, and when they're ready to come to, He'll still be there right where He's always been, alongside them.

 

So true. God might have taken something from us; but HE will never leave us empty handed; that's for sure.  HE doesn't waste anything we go through; HE uses it to get us prepared for where HE's taking us.  HE definitely is my strength.

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KayC   

Francine, amen to that! 

@LadyWalker, let us know how it is, two days in a row is a lot.

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Francine   
On 11/14/2017 at 9:04 PM, LadyWalker said:

I am still continuing to build upon the relationships that I have built with his family and friends, most importantly his children. Prayers are definitely welcomed and I too will pray for you. Secretly within myself I wonder if he's upset with me for grieving this way but I can't help it, it hurts so much. Thank you for the support. 

Good for you and I think he would like that.  I don't think he's upset with you; he's in a different realm where there is no sorrow; only perfect peace - can you imagine that? - a place where we are aiming to get to.  I don't think our love one wants us to be upset; on the contrary, they want us to live the rest of our existence to the fullest.  And as hard as it is to do, I think we honor them when we do.  I know one day I'll see my Charles again and it will be forever; won't have to ever worry about separating again.  I'm looking forward to that.

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Hello

So, this week has really been hard. I found out that there are moments when I think ok, I'm good and all of a sudden I'm back in a sunken place. I won't pour out my whole life but I'll say this. I've never had a good relationship with my parents and at 18, I jumped straight into an unhealthy relationship that turned into a horrible marriage. He was only good to me the first two years and those were even off and on. I have always had a great relationship with God, in fact I'm struggling now because it's never been this hard to serve him before. No one has ever took time to invest in me like Shannon. With him it was genuine and reciprocal. He was excited to see me, we talked about everything, we never stopped talking. He was intentional about his care and concern for me and my children. The past couple of years I started getting sick and life just kept piling up on me. I'm the natural besides my kids, he was there. So the struggle is even harder because I've never had anyone to love me that way. Never had that kind of support before. We were literally best friends, so I lost a two in one deal. I just struggle knowing that his story was similar. He did not believe in marriage until he met me and he said he knew from the beginning that I was his wife but we never got there. We had finally come to a better place in life. The both of us. All we wanted was to finally enjoy life, be together, serve God and give our children a better life than we ever had. I'm grateful but I feel cheated at the same time. 

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KayC   

It is normal to struggle with your faith after such a loss as this.  Try not to worry about it, you'll work your way through it later, but for now, just know God hasn't abandoned you, he's walking through this with you even now, even as you can't understand anything.  Most of us don't understand this, it's just plain hard.

You may not have made it to the piece of paper, but you were there in your hearts.  I only had that one special relationship in my life and George was it...the others, I tried, but they weren't the one, no matter how many years I tried hard.

Of course you feel cheated, I think we all do, especially when we didn't get 50 years together like some others have.

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