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I have to believe we'll me again


LadyWalker

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It's almost two months now since I lost my love. I had spent 13 years in a meaningless marriage that ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me. I met Shannon a couple of years after it all went down the drain. I wasn't looking for anyone but for the first time I did not want to find the strength to fight him off, like so many other's. We built a friendship first. Around about a year, my feelings were involved but he would give mixed signals, so I backed away. He let his pride get in the way and I let fear get in the way. We had some time apart and realized we didn't like it... We hated it. We started back up in February and we started our friendship back up and finally let our guards down. We brought our kids together. We started attending family gatherings. We became inseparable. We were planning to get a place together and he told me that he always knew that I was supposed to be his wife. He went into ER September 15th, he was admitted. His night nurse said he would go home in a couple of days. Due to negligence, I had to watch him exit this side. I feel like life stopped and we were cheated. He would have been turning 37 this Thursday and I will a month later.  We/he invested more in three years than any one else in my life. He was my best friend, I just have to believe that meet again 

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Lady Walker,

Your love story is beautiful and I'm so sorry you are deprived of being together right now.  I too believe with all my heart we'll be together again, I can't imagine otherwise.  Not everyone believes the same thing but most of us here do share in that belief. That hope keeps me going.

I hope you'll continue to come here and read the posts and write, it really does help to all go through this together.

I just shared this article I wrote a few months ago with someone else here and want to share it with you as well, being as you're new to this.  I wish you much comfort.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Q@KayC

Thanks for your words of comfort and strength. I have found that the only way to understand this pain, is to experience such loss. I know by some of the help tips that you actually get it. I'm tired of being judged for my grieving process. I feel lonely without him. I  really don't have anyone to talk to now. We literally shared everything. I have started counseling. I also took a job for less pay just because it's home health care and I may be able to provide comfort and companionship to someone else. My fiance has a cousin who lost her fiance just two months before he passed, so we encourage and strengthen each other. Yes, life has taken a huge turn and now I'm suddenly not so afraid of death any more. I don't want to die. I just want to finish my course and pray that he's waiting for me. I wait for signs to feel him around me but I can't. We had both gone through it pretty rough in life. He was just making amends with himself and enjoying life as a father, a man, a son, a brother and the love of my life. He had never met a woman like me before. We were constantly saying how we brought out the best in each other. He had recently told me how he had witnessed other people's happiness and other's who constantly smile. He said that he did not know what that was like but that he now smiled everyday. He told me that it was one thing to decide to be in a relationship but for him it was the moment that he realized that he could not imagine living the rest of his life without me. I still struggle with watching him go from himself to departing. Everyone says that I'm fortunate to have been with him up until his last moment. Yes, we did get to say I love you and hold each other. It's bittersweet because I watched it play out and now I keep trying to find ways to undo it. He is simply irreplaceable and one of a kind. 

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7 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

It's almost two months now since I lost my love. I had spent 13 years in a meaningless marriage that ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me. I met Shannon a couple of years after it all went down the drain. I wasn't looking for anyone but for the first time I did not want to find the strength to fight him off, like so many other's. We built a friendship first. Around about a year, my feelings were involved but he would give mixed signals, so I backed away. He let his pride get in the way and I let fear get in the way. We had some time apart and realized we didn't like it... We hated it. We started back up in February and we started our friendship back up and finally let our guards down. We brought our kids together. We started attending family gatherings. We became inseparable. We were planning to get a place to and he told me that he always knew that I was supposed to be his wife. He went into ER September 15th, he was admitted His night nurse said he would go home in a couple of days. Due to negligence, I had to watch him exit this side. I feel like life stopped and we were cheated. He would have been turning 37 this Thursday and I will a month later.  We invested more in three years than any one else on my life. I just have to believe that meet again 

I am so sorry for your loss; it sounds so sad and yet so beautiful.  Sort of like a fairytale but without the *Happily Ever After* ending that we all want.   I know all the emotions you are experiencing and know its only natural.   Try remembering the love, not the loss.  Be grateful that you knew him if only for a short time, than not at all.  I would rather endure this inexplicable pain of outliving my Charles than to never have seen his face, spoken his name, felt his arms around me, his lips touching mine.  I would have rather been his, and he mine, regardless.  Regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights and the years I will walk this earth without him, I know I will carry him forever within my heart until I too take my last breath and we're together again.

Things will get better at some point, even if you don't see it now.  Perhaps better is not the right world to use - things will get *different*.  Take the time to grieve your loved one, you owe it to yourself and there's no time limit; but know that you'll never really stop grieving - it just won't be so frequent and severe.  As time passes, it will lesson and the sting won't be so deadly sharp.   There are no rules to this grief thing.  You can change or stay the same; you can make the best or the worst of it.  I certainly hope you make the best of it and I hope, in time, you will see things differently; I hope you experience things you never felt before; meet people with a different point view and live a life you (and your loved one) would be proud of.  If you find that you are not, I hope God gives you the strength to start over again.  We don't know what our future holds, but we know who holds our future - God. 

Losing someone so dear to us is the most difficult thing there is; sometimes the endings are not what we want or we want things on our time.  But it's not our time - It's God Time.  According to scripture,  Ecclesiates 3:2-4, states "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; ..........a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.  This earth is not our home and we all will make our transition someday.  We will be reunited with our loved ones and this time will be eternal.  No more death.  God words are true.  Scripture, Revelation 21:4 states, "He will wipe  every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

My prayer is for God to give you HIS love, strength, and Peace to help you get through this most difficult time in your life.  HE will, open your heart and watch what HE does.

 

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Q@KayC

Thanks for your words of comfort and strength. I have found that the only way to understand this pain, is to experience such loss. I know by some of the help tips that you actually get it. I'm tired of being judged for my grieving process. I feel lonely without him. I  really don't have anyone to talk to now. We literally shared everything. I have started counseling. I also took a job for less pay just because it's home health care and I may be able to provide comfort and companionship to someone else. My fiance has a cousin who lost her fiance just two months before he passed, so we encourage and strengthen each other. Yes, life has taken a huge turn and now I'm suddenly not so afraid of death any more. I don't want to die. I just want to finish my course and pray that he's waiting for me. I wait for signs to feel him around me but I can't. We had both gone through it pretty rough in life. He was just making amends with himself and enjoying life as a father, a man, a son, a brother and the love of my life. He had never met a woman like me before. We were constantly saying how we brought out the best in each other. He had recently told me how he had witnessed other people's happiness and other's who constantly smile. He said that he did not know what that was like but that he now smiled everyday. He told me that it was one thing to decide to be in a relationship but for him it was the moment that he realized that he could not imagine living the rest of his life without me. I still struggle with watching him go from himself to departing. Everyone says that I'm fortunate to have been with him up until his last moment. Yes, we did get to say I love you and hold each other. It's bittersweet because I watched it play out and now I keep trying to find ways to undo it. He is simply irreplaceable and one of a kind. 

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@Francine

I was just saying earlier that I'm still so grateful to have had an opportunity to have had such an experience of love, support and friendship. I would definitely do it again, even if it meant having the same ending. I'm still pushing but there is a void, almost like a part of me went with him. Sometimes, I literally don't know what to do with myself. I definitely have to keep pressing and daily trying to draw strength from God. Even that is not so easy anymore, I sit and call on the Lord but sometimes I'm just still, confused, and lost for words. Yes, I'm still trying to process and gain understanding. We were almost there but almost never counts. I am still continuing to build upon the relationships that I have built with his family and friends, most importantly his children. Prayers are definitely welcomed and I too will pray for you. Secretly within myself I wonder if he's upset with me for grieving this way but I can't help it, it hurts so much. Thank you for the support. 

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18 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

Q@KayC

Thanks for your words of comfort and strength. I have found that the only way to understand this pain, is to experience such loss. I know by some of the help tips that you actually get it. I'm tired of being judged for my grieving process. I feel lonely without him. I  really don't have anyone to talk to now. We literally shared everything. I have started counseling. I also took a job for less pay just because it's home health care and I may be able to provide comfort and companionship to someone else. My fiance has a cousin who lost her fiance just two months before he passed, so we encourage and strengthen each other. Yes, life has taken a huge turn and now I'm suddenly not so afraid of death any more. I don't want to die. I just want to finish my course and pray that he's waiting for me. I wait for signs to feel him around me but I can't. We had both gone through it pretty rough in life. He was just making amends with himself and enjoying life as a father, a man, a son, a brother and the love of my life. He had never met a woman like me before. We were constantly saying how we brought out the best in each other. He had recently told me how he had witnessed other people's happiness and other's who constantly smile. He said that he did not know what that was like but that he now smiled everyday. He told me that it was one thing to decide to be in a relationship but for him it was the moment that he realized that he could not imagine living the rest of his life without me. I still struggle with watching him go from himself to departing. Everyone says that I'm fortunate to have been with him up until his last moment. Yes, we did get to say I love you and hold each other. It's bittersweet because I watched it play out and now I keep trying to find ways to undo it. He is simply irreplaceable and one of a kind. 

How I can relate to so much of what you say!  We didn't meet until our forties so we got too short a time together, only 6 1/2 years, married only 3 years 8 months, but in that time I knew the best love there could ever be and we were so close!  We could read each other's minds, we got each other so much.  I love Travis Tritt's song, "Drift off to dream", it was like that for us, alone, knowing we'd know each other when we met...and we did!  And we always slept entangled in each other's arms.  :)

They wouldn't judge us for how we grieve, by this time they realize and know how hard it is and I think if anything they want to encourage and strengthen us, comfort and love us, help us through it...until we can be together again.

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13 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

almost like a part of me went with him. Sometimes, I literally don't know what to do with myself. I definitely have to keep pressing and daily trying to draw strength from God. Even that is not so easy anymore, I sit and call on the Lord but sometimes I'm just still, confused, and lost for words. Yes, I'm still trying to process and gain understanding. We were almost there but almost never counts. I am still continuing to build upon the relationships that I have built with his family and friends, most importantly his children. Prayers are definitely welcomed and I too will pray for you.

I feel you; actually I believe a part of us did go with them and a part of them stayed with us.  I know it's hard and where all the confusion might consume you; I too lost faith for a while and perhaps that's normal - I don't know; but I'm glad I found it.  As hard as it is now, I MUST still  believe in God; what else do I have. God said HE will never leave or forsake us, even in our lowest, loneliest moments. Through God, what we don't have, we will gain; what we gain, we lose; what we lose we regain.  This life is a cycle of gaining and losing and with faith and trust in God, for me, what I've lost will be replaced; in a different package, perhaps, but enough to make me whole  again. Scripture states in Matthew 17:20, "I tell you the truth.  If you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain Move from here to there and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."  God knows exactly what we are going through; HE sent HIS only son to go through this human experience and HE will give you the strength to make it though this. 

You got my prayers - always.  I think, for me anyway, that is whats keeping me above board and continuing.  Hang in there; we got you, but God has us all.

 
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Hello all, I am just asking for prayer and support the next couple of days. Shannon's birthday is the 16th and the 17th marks two months of his passing. I've been jittery all week. Now I have become overwhelmed with grief and sadness but I still want to celebrate his birthday. I'm hoping to push through and not withdraw. Thank you in advance for your support 

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1 hour ago, LadyWalker said:

Hello all, I am just asking for prayer and support the next couple of days. Shannon's birthday is the 16th and the 17th marks two months of his passing. I've been jittery all week. Now I have become overwhelmed with grief and sadness but I still want to celebrate his birthday. I'm hoping to push through and not withdraw. Thank you in advance for your support 

Hello, I am sorry to hear about your loss. My boyfriend passed away 10 weeks..it's been the hardest times of my life and his birthday was on 4th Nov, the day was really tough for me..if you can, please do celebrate his birthday..I pray for God''s continued comfort for you and for everyone that been supportive here on this forum. Francine, KMB, KayC and love you all❤

LadyWalker,  please push through, celebrate those days..I pray for God's strength, love and peace. 

Sending you my love at this difficult time. We will all get through this.

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20 hours ago, Francine said:

I too lost faith for a while and perhaps that's normal

It's very common and normal in grief.  I tell people not to worry, God is there with them, He's got broad enough shoulders to take their anger, and when they're ready to come to, He'll still be there right where He's always been, alongside them.

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8 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

Hello all, I am just asking for prayer and support the next couple of days. Shannon's birthday is the 16th and the 17th marks two months of his passing. I've been jittery all week. Now I have become overwhelmed with grief and sadness but I still want to celebrate his birthday. I'm hoping to push through and not withdraw. Thank you in advance for your support 

You've got it, Hon!  These special days are hard to know what to do with.  Do you have plans for today, will someone be with you?  Some people go out to eat at their favorite place or fix their favorite meal in their honor.  Hoping the best for you today and tomorrow...

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6 hours ago, Jokkyp said:

his birthday was on 4th Nov, the day was really tough for me..if you can, please do celebrate his birthday..I pray for God''s continued comfort for you and for everyone that been supportive here on this forum. Francine, KMB, KayC and love you all❤

You just went through it, so you know how it feels.  I'm glad we're all here supporting each other.  I still don't know what to do with George's birthday, our anniversary, anv. of death, etc., it's hard...you'd think I'd be an old pro at it after all this time, but not sure we ever quite figure out how to do those days.  I think of him, like I always do, and remember him on those special days.  Our anniversaries are tough, you can't celebrate when they're gone, but I am thankful for the day we married regardless.

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@KayC 

I wanted to go to the lake or at the park that we termed "our spot". He loved being outdoors. We went to the lake often. We dreamt a loud there. We grilled and sipped wine, hung out on blankets and watched the boats pass or we took the boys and watched them play. I'm not ready yet, not to go on my own. I realize that I have plenty of time to get there, I don't want to rush it and make the moment  worse. I still can't stop crying when I think about him or talking about him. I'm going to get together with some of his family today and celebrate with them. 

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

It's very common and normal in grief.  I tell people not to worry, God is there with them, He's got broad enough shoulders to take their anger, and when they're ready to come to, He'll still be there right where He's always been, alongside them.

 

So true. God might have taken something from us; but HE will never leave us empty handed; that's for sure.  HE doesn't waste anything we go through; HE uses it to get us prepared for where HE's taking us.  HE definitely is my strength.

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On 11/14/2017 at 9:04 PM, LadyWalker said:

I am still continuing to build upon the relationships that I have built with his family and friends, most importantly his children. Prayers are definitely welcomed and I too will pray for you. Secretly within myself I wonder if he's upset with me for grieving this way but I can't help it, it hurts so much. Thank you for the support. 

Good for you and I think he would like that.  I don't think he's upset with you; he's in a different realm where there is no sorrow; only perfect peace - can you imagine that? - a place where we are aiming to get to.  I don't think our love one wants us to be upset; on the contrary, they want us to live the rest of our existence to the fullest.  And as hard as it is to do, I think we honor them when we do.  I know one day I'll see my Charles again and it will be forever; won't have to ever worry about separating again.  I'm looking forward to that.

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Hello

So, this week has really been hard. I found out that there are moments when I think ok, I'm good and all of a sudden I'm back in a sunken place. I won't pour out my whole life but I'll say this. I've never had a good relationship with my parents and at 18, I jumped straight into an unhealthy relationship that turned into a horrible marriage. He was only good to me the first two years and those were even off and on. I have always had a great relationship with God, in fact I'm struggling now because it's never been this hard to serve him before. No one has ever took time to invest in me like Shannon. With him it was genuine and reciprocal. He was excited to see me, we talked about everything, we never stopped talking. He was intentional about his care and concern for me and my children. The past couple of years I started getting sick and life just kept piling up on me. I'm the natural besides my kids, he was there. So the struggle is even harder because I've never had anyone to love me that way. Never had that kind of support before. We were literally best friends, so I lost a two in one deal. I just struggle knowing that his story was similar. He did not believe in marriage until he met me and he said he knew from the beginning that I was his wife but we never got there. We had finally come to a better place in life. The both of us. All we wanted was to finally enjoy life, be together, serve God and give our children a better life than we ever had. I'm grateful but I feel cheated at the same time. 

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It is normal to struggle with your faith after such a loss as this.  Try not to worry about it, you'll work your way through it later, but for now, just know God hasn't abandoned you, he's walking through this with you even now, even as you can't understand anything.  Most of us don't understand this, it's just plain hard.

You may not have made it to the piece of paper, but you were there in your hearts.  I only had that one special relationship in my life and George was it...the others, I tried, but they weren't the one, no matter how many years I tried hard.

Of course you feel cheated, I think we all do, especially when we didn't get 50 years together like some others have.

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LadyWalker, I am deeply sorry for what you are enduring with your loss of your beloved. None of us asked for or consented to this loneliness of their physical absence and this now unwanted life. This road of grief is going to be the hardest  we are being called upon to travel.  The intensity of the pain, the whys of it all, the unbearable loneliness is something that God wishes for us to experience and learn from. Only He knows His plans for us. We have to make an effort at trusting in His faith even more so. I stumbled in my faith early on. It is a natural, emotional reaction to question God about why did our loved one get called home and why did we get left behind.

You were blessed in that your fiance chose you to spend the rest of his life with. He left with the gift of knowing real, true, soul mate love . There are many in this world that never find that soul mate love. Some of us were chosen by God to experience it.

Keep yourself surrounded with the children, the families and friends. The sharing of the pain, the memories, will  help you the best in surviving this difficult, painful journey.

Sending prayers for God's strength, love, comfort and eventual peace. (HUGS)

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Jokkyp,   Hang in there. We are here for each other and we know how much tougher it is going to be with the upcoming holidays. Sending you prayers and HUGS!

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On 11/14/2017 at 4:38 AM, LadyWalker said:

It's almost two months now since I lost my love. I had spent 13 years in a meaningless marriage that ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me. I met Shannon a couple of years after it all went down the drain. I wasn't looking for anyone but for the first time I did not want to find the strength to fight him off, like so many other's. We built a friendship first. Around about a year, my feelings were involved but he would give mixed signals, so I backed away. He let his pride get in the way and I let fear get in the way. We had some time apart and realized we didn't like it... We hated it. We started back up in February and we started our friendship back up and finally let our guards down. We brought our kids together. We started attending family gatherings. We became inseparable. We were planning to get a place together and he told me that he always knew that I was supposed to be his wife. He went into ER September 15th, he was admitted. His night nurse said he would go home in a couple of days. Due to negligence, I had to watch him exit this side. I feel like life stopped and we were cheated. He would have been turning 37 this Thursday and I will a month later.  We/he invested more in three years than any one else in my life. He was my best friend, I just have to believe that meet again 

LadyWalker -- Ditto everything that others have already posted to you.  There is nothing easy about this particular grief journey.  We are going to be in this for the long run.    Like you, I'm also in my 30s and my wife passed away in her late 30s as well.    Losing a partner at any age is difficult.  Losing a partner at a younger age makes it very unique -- there are some, but not a lot of us out there.  One of the hardest thing about our grief journey is finding others who can understand you.   Fortunately, everyone here does.   I am sorry to hear about your loss.   Stay strong and we are always here to provide support.  You are not alone.    As to your concern about meeting again..... Yes.  You don't have to worry about that.    We all "wake up" when we cross over.   And when we do, we will be greeted by our loved ones who are already there.

 

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12 hours ago, KMB said:

LadyWalker, I am deeply sorry for what you are enduring with your loss of your beloved. None of us asked for or consented to this loneliness of their physical absence and this now unwanted life. This road of grief is going to be the hardest  we are being called upon to travel.  The intensity of the pain, the whys of it all, the unbearable loneliness is something that God wishes for us to experience and learn from. Only He knows His plans for us. We have to make an effort at trusting in His faith even more so. I stumbled in my faith early on. It is a natural, emotional reaction to question God about why did our loved one get called home and why did we get left behind.

You were blessed in that your fiance chose you to spend the rest of his life with. He left with the gift of knowing real, true, soul mate love . There are many in this world that never find that soul mate love. Some of us were chosen by God to experience it.

Keep yourself surrounded with the children, the families and friends. The sharing of the pain, the memories, will  help you the best in surviving this difficult, painful journey.

Sending prayers for God's strength, love, comfort and eventual peace. (HUGS)

This is both true and inspirational, thank you KMB.

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It's been almost 2 months since I last posted. Seems like I've had a set back or reality just began to settle in. I took a seasonal position during the holiday's, thinking that it would help with the idle time. It backfired. I'm starting to feel like I can't do this.  I've become still and silent. I don't get much sleep and when I do, there's this reoccurring dream that keeps coming up.  The dream is not completely the same but the intent and message are. Anyway, I've become a bit afraid of myself. Not for harms sake, I've always been able to pick up and dust myself off...  Not this time.  I'm losing myself and I really am trying but I don't know how to do this. My sister told me that it's seems that a part of me died with Shannon. I am certain that apart of me became alive with him. I feel like life just stopped and left me stranded. I have started therapy in hopes of not giving up and closing down  (mentally). I've lost all desire to want to go anywhere or participate in anything.  

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LadyWalker, I feel the same way. I remember waking up in the empty bed thinking with a strange clarity: I am not going to be able to make it through this.

I am back at work, which is awful because we worked in the same building, but also kind of magical thinking, because as I work I am somewhat pretending he is downstairs in his office. I have dual narratives running: what is happening and what SHOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPENING.

Counselors have told me take it day by day, hour by hour, or even minute by minute. This is contrary to my nature as I like to plan and make sure things are in place. I guess God showed me who's not in charge, eh?

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I'm glad you did try to have a plan and made the decision to take up a season position during the holidays.  Imagine how it would have been had you not do this... All that idle time could have made things worst.  The one thing to understand with grief is that it will come in waves.   During my earlier days, I heard the saying that "you are feeling worse because you are getting better."   There is truth to the statement.  Grief is cyclical.  It will come and go.    So what you are experiencing now is in fact, your progress, the progress that you are going through your grief, and naturally, you may be hitting a low at the moment.    It's just food for thought and of course, I cannot speak for you.

You are right.  Like you, I've always landed on my two feet.  This time around, I've collapsed right down to the ground.   Everything sucks, there is no other way to put it.   The silver lining for me, is that I realize that there is humanity in the world.  Many people, from family, co-workers, strangers, to people here, has unselfishly helped me in one way or another.

This is a terrible journey.  It is long, grueling, and at times will be a constant reminder of our loss.  I'm sorry you are feeling down but try to get in touch with your feelings.  If you want to talk, by all means come online and talk to us!  we are all here for you.

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20 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

It's been almost 2 months since I last posted. Seems like I've had a set back or reality just began to settle in. I took a seasonal position during the holiday's, thinking that it would help with the idle time. It backfired. I'm starting to feel like I can't do this.  I've become still and silent. I don't get much sleep and when I do, there's this reoccurring dream that keeps coming up.  The dream is not completely the same but the intent and message are. Anyway, I've become a bit afraid of myself. Not for harms sake, I've always been able to pick up and dust myself off...  Not this time.  I'm losing myself and I really am trying but I don't know how to do this. My sister told me that it's seems that a part of me died with Shannon. I am certain that apart of me became alive with him. I feel like life just stopped and left me stranded. I have started therapy in hopes of not giving up and closing down  (mentally). I've lost all desire to want to go anywhere or participate in anything.  

LadyWalker,

You are not alone.  There are others here who have gone missing that we are concerned about, others also withdrawing, feeling the same thoughts and feelings as you. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, I hope it's one specifically trained in grief as not all have a degree in Thanatology and understand what is normal in grief, let alone how to guide one through it.

The feelings you have are so normal in grief.  This is the hardest thing we can attempt to make our way through, yet it's imperative that we do, our very life and well being depends on it.  You will have ups and downs, I imagine it to be like learning to surf, learning to ride the waves as they come, not fight them, but ride them out.  Days you don't feel like going anywhere, days you can't stand to be alone.  Days you feel anxious and need to talk to someone, days you have nothing to say.  Days the memories carry you, days they bring you pain.  There's nothing easy about this but this has become my life now.  There was a time I didn't think I could live, really didn't see how that was possible, but here I am 12 years later...  It's a long journey, a one that takes the rest of our lives. Ever learning, ever changing.  Learning to be on our own, everything in our life having changed, but doing it.  

You feel you are losing yourself.  In a way I think we lost ourselves the day they died.  But we begin to discover we are here, we begin to emerge, perhaps still us but anew, a different person seemingly, one who has to be strong when they feel anything but.  But also learns it's okay to be our weakest.  We learn to take care of ourselves, to cry, to allow ourselves to just BE.  We give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we feel.  It's okay to push forward, and it's just as okay to pull the covers over our head.  Each moment changes.

We're here, we're listening to you...

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