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LadyWalker

I have to believe we'll me again

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I'm glad you did try to have a plan and made the decision to take up a season position during the holidays.  Imagine how it would have been had you not do this... All that idle time could have made things worst.  The one thing to understand with grief is that it will come in waves.   During my earlier days, I heard the saying that "you are feeling worse because you are getting better."   There is truth to the statement.  Grief is cyclical.  It will come and go.    So what you are experiencing now is in fact, your progress, the progress that you are going through your grief, and naturally, you may be hitting a low at the moment.    It's just food for thought and of course, I cannot speak for you.

You are right.  Like you, I've always landed on my two feet.  This time around, I've collapsed right down to the ground.   Everything sucks, there is no other way to put it.   The silver lining for me, is that I realize that there is humanity in the world.  Many people, from family, co-workers, strangers, to people here, has unselfishly helped me in one way or another.

This is a terrible journey.  It is long, grueling, and at times will be a constant reminder of our loss.  I'm sorry you are feeling down but try to get in touch with your feelings.  If you want to talk, by all means come online and talk to us!  we are all here for you.

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20 hours ago, LadyWalker said:

It's been almost 2 months since I last posted. Seems like I've had a set back or reality just began to settle in. I took a seasonal position during the holiday's, thinking that it would help with the idle time. It backfired. I'm starting to feel like I can't do this.  I've become still and silent. I don't get much sleep and when I do, there's this reoccurring dream that keeps coming up.  The dream is not completely the same but the intent and message are. Anyway, I've become a bit afraid of myself. Not for harms sake, I've always been able to pick up and dust myself off...  Not this time.  I'm losing myself and I really am trying but I don't know how to do this. My sister told me that it's seems that a part of me died with Shannon. I am certain that apart of me became alive with him. I feel like life just stopped and left me stranded. I have started therapy in hopes of not giving up and closing down  (mentally). I've lost all desire to want to go anywhere or participate in anything.  

LadyWalker,

You are not alone.  There are others here who have gone missing that we are concerned about, others also withdrawing, feeling the same thoughts and feelings as you. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, I hope it's one specifically trained in grief as not all have a degree in Thanatology and understand what is normal in grief, let alone how to guide one through it.

The feelings you have are so normal in grief.  This is the hardest thing we can attempt to make our way through, yet it's imperative that we do, our very life and well being depends on it.  You will have ups and downs, I imagine it to be like learning to surf, learning to ride the waves as they come, not fight them, but ride them out.  Days you don't feel like going anywhere, days you can't stand to be alone.  Days you feel anxious and need to talk to someone, days you have nothing to say.  Days the memories carry you, days they bring you pain.  There's nothing easy about this but this has become my life now.  There was a time I didn't think I could live, really didn't see how that was possible, but here I am 12 years later...  It's a long journey, a one that takes the rest of our lives. Ever learning, ever changing.  Learning to be on our own, everything in our life having changed, but doing it.  

You feel you are losing yourself.  In a way I think we lost ourselves the day they died.  But we begin to discover we are here, we begin to emerge, perhaps still us but anew, a different person seemingly, one who has to be strong when they feel anything but.  But also learns it's okay to be our weakest.  We learn to take care of ourselves, to cry, to allow ourselves to just BE.  We give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we feel.  It's okay to push forward, and it's just as okay to pull the covers over our head.  Each moment changes.

We're here, we're listening to you...

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