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Gonzalez08

1 month since he passed away

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Today is exactly 1month since my husband passed away. It seems like yesterday when a cop showed up to my house to tell me my husband had died at the scene of the accident. I don't understand and I don't think I'll ever understand why him? He was young 23yrs old (my HS sweetheart) we had so many things planned out. Our 2yr old son every morning wakes up asking for his dad it's miserable to think that I have to live the rest of my life without him. I just don't know sometimes if I can honestly do this. I have a lot of negative thoughts running through my head 24-7 this is only getting more difficult everyday that goes by. I just wish I could talk to someone who can give me advice and help me some how understand all the things I feel. I feel like I will always be waiting for him to get home from work. When dinner comes around it's the hardest time of the day I'm living without a purpose. I need help and I honestly don't know where to start. Please give me advice. Thank you

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M88   

Awe hon, my heart fair aches for you, Gonzalez.  I remember all too well the agonizing emotions of what you are now faced with having to endure in your early grief.  It is  22 months since my hubby was killed as he walked on the footpath. I know the pain and agony that stems from having kissed goodbye to a happy, fit, healthy man in the morning,  to answering the door to see a cop standing there, to learning of his injuries. 

Are you having grief counselling?  Sudden, traumatic deaths caused by a car crash,  creates quite a shift in one’s psyche and requires a lot of grief counselling.  I also saw a psychologist for a while, and for over a year I could see my GP or a nurse free of charge.  I made the most of that, as I had a need to offload to medical people - they all knew my hubby.  I am left with a phobia of traveling by car, so when I move closer to the city I’ll have more intense therapy to hopefully overcome this problem.

Having your friends call in to see you or phone at the time of day you feel the worst, is a lifesaver.  Self care and being kind to yourself is also essential.  Our minds, bodies and souls have just taken the biggest battering they’re ever likely to have.  Accept any offers of help. People genuinely do want to help, to feel useful.  I appreciated all the help I was given and now help other people who are grieving. 

The best tip anyone here will tell you is to ‘live in just the moment/hour or day’’. Train your brain to do this so you don’t think about tomorrow or what your future might hold.   It’s inhumane that we have to endure so much pain and agony as well as having to use self discipline just to get through each day, but honestly, that is what it takes to get through grief.  

I will bump up a thread started a while back in which we shared the things that helped us survive early grief. I hope you’ll find some of them helpful.  

Keep posting and reading on the forum.  You can use the search function to read older posts.  These will give you an insight into how little by little, our grief slowly evolves into something we can manage,   We regain the strength to go to the shops again, the petrol station, the hairdresser - all those places we didn’t used to think twice about going to.  

My thought are with you, and your little boy - who is your purpose in life. He needs to grow up hearing from you stories about his wonderful Daddy. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx

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KayC   

M88 has given some very good advice.  I wrote an article I want to share with you of what I've learned helped me in my grief journey (it's been 12 1/2 years now).  Keep coming here, we "get it".  It's hard as a young person, you have company here, there are many others who are also young going through this.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Freewill   

I am so sorry for your loss Gonzalez. Its very unfair that we have to experience the greatest pain that we will ever have in our entire life in such a very early stage of our family life. I also lost my very young wife and my life just recently..the pain is great and unbearable..seems like the whole world stops.everything now doesn't make any sense..and yes, it feels like we don't have purpose anymore..until now(after 3months) I can still feel the pain and cry..I miss her every moment..I'm still lost and still don't know what I want to do with my life. The only good thing now is im physically getting better. Sleeping and eating habit is slowly returning back to normal unlike the early part where I cannot eat and sleep and my body is very weak..some of the advice that I get from others and from this forum is to take it one day at a time. Always take care of yourself,eat healthy, exercise or just simply walk outside,always talk to someone who will listen. Read the stories and advices from this forum.share any of your stories here when you can..there are lots of good people in here sharing theirs and giving advice..

Sending you hugs and lots and lots of strength in this journey that we are all going through..

-Willy

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Thank you all for the replies i been searching for a counselor. I really hope I find someone that I can feel comfortable enough to talk about everything that I feel. Coming here really helps. 

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