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a dark cloud that never leaves me


sadandlost

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You can't imagine grief and loss until you go through it.  I've found its nothing like I thought it would be.  I thought it would be as basic as sadness.  How wrong was I!  there is nothing basic about the swamp of grief that comes in like a tsunami and tears your life apart.  For 10 months so far I feel like I am walking around with a dark cloud over me.  It never leaves me, even when the sky is blue and the view from apartment is stunning, the dark cloud is still there.  The emptiness is still there.  Wherever I go, whatever I do, it all feels meaningless and I feel aimless.  I thought the grief would be a bit softer by now but its still cold, harsh and brutal like the winter wind on my skin. If anything it is worse as time goes on.  I feel overly exposed, overly sensitive, overly everything.  My inner strength has diminished and I'm like a lost broken child inside.  The goodness of my mother is gone and its like all the goodness has disappeared with her leaving me rootless and lost.  I'm changed forever.

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Dear sadandlost,

I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its hard. I wish there was something I could say to make it a little easier.

Good of you to support others on this forum. I received one piece of advice during my grief journey that I think helped me a lot. This lady told me to keep writing and to let the hurt out. Keep letting it out till it gets easier. It feels so inadequate, but I think it did help me in some way.

Thinking of you.

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Dear reader,

Thank you for your reply.  I keep a journal and write all the time.  I always have.  It does help to recognise ones feelings but I do think grief never goes away.  

Thanks again for your reply.

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Dear Sehiza,

Thanks for reading.  I'm sorry for your loss.  It helps I think reading other peoples words and makes us feel less alone in the brutality of loss.

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PatriciaEileen

It's utterly unbearable. I feel lost. It's 23 hours since I lost my mom and I feel like driving away from everything at times, then other times I feel like I need to talk.

 

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PatriciaEileen I know exactly what you mean. It's 2 days since I lost my brother and the pain is completely overwhelming. I want to escape then I want to be at home, I don't then I can't do anything I'm so depressed, I'm having panic attacks and I just can't stop reliving the awful moments of his death.

 

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PatriciaEileen

Janey Sorry to hear about your brother. I'm thankful I found this forum because the sadness and pain are consuming me right now.

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Dear Janey & PatriciaEileen,

So sorry for your losses.  The early stages are so shocking and raw it can be like you want to climb out of your body and run away.  I wish I could tell you things get better but as you will have read my post, sadly I haven't reached that place 10 months later where things are better.  It changes from moment to moment.  Depression, disbelief, sadness, feel lost and paralysed, unable to make decisions.  Grief is overwhelming at times.  I don't think its something that improves in the first year.  Very sorry for both your losses.  We are reading your words.

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