The love of my life died.

[Tailor55]

It’s been two weeks since I got the call that my boyfriend died. It’s been two weeks that my world stopped. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but this was man I was going to marry in a few years. I’m 21 and he’s 22. We had a 5 year plan, we wanted to go to grad school and then settle down to have babies. Now that can never happen.

To make things worse, I found out that he had been seeing another woman and was with her the night of his death. They had only been seeing each other for three weeks, and they never had any sexual relations, but he betrayed me. 

*to give a little more background info, we had broken up around the time he started seeing her, but decided that we wanted to work things out, he just needed some space to be able to go out with his friends. We mutually agreed that seeing other people would not be included in that. We were still in a relationship, we just needed air to breathe but we knew we were still going to be together regardless, and that we were together.*

I’m angry because what he did, but I can’t be mad at him. He’s the only one I want to comfort me right now. He’ll never be able to do that.

I know the grieving process is not going to be easy, but I’m not sure how to go about grieving the loss of my boyfriend and forgiving him when he’s not here to talk things over with. I’m just conflicted, angry, and depressed. I just don’t understand why. I don’t know why he had to die and I don’t understand why he would do that to me. 

[KayC]

Oh Tailor, my heart breaks for you!  Hard enough to deal with loss of the most significant person in our life, but you're experiencing complicated grief, and that's really tough.  You're right, you can't demand answers from him, he won't get the chance to say he's sorry...but you knew him, you knew him better than anyone and you know what he would have said to you if given the chance...hear those words now.  It helps to take the whole of the person and realize they aren't only what they were on their worst day, but you knew all of him and what he could be.  Yes, loving, forgiving, letting go of the wrongs so it doesn't hold you there.  Forgiveness is key.  It's damned hard when they're not there to talk to about it but it can be done.  You say you can't be mad at him but I think you can and need to be in order to process this and make your way through it and past it.  It's okay to feel angry, just because he's gone doesn't change that, let it out, let yourself feel and experience it, and then you can let it go.

Have you considered grief counseling?

[Francine]

15 hours ago, Tailor55 said:

It’s been two weeks since I got the call that my boyfriend died. It’s been two weeks that my world stopped. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but this was man I was going to marry in a few years. I’m 21 and he’s 22. We had a 5 year plan, we wanted to go to grad school and then settle down to have babies. Now that can never happen.

To make things worse, I found out that he had been seeing another woman and was with her the night of his death. They had only been seeing each other for three weeks, and they never had any sexual relations, but he betrayed me. 

*to give a little more background info, we had broken up around the time he started seeing her, but decided that we wanted to work things out, he just needed some space to be able to go out with his friends. We mutually agreed that seeing other people would not be included in that. We were still in a relationship, we just needed air to breathe but we knew we were still going to be together regardless, and that we were together.*

I’m angry because what he did, but I can’t be mad at him. He’s the only one I want to comfort me right now. He’ll never be able to do that.

I know the grieving process is not going to be easy, but I’m not sure how to go about grieving the loss of my boyfriend and forgiving him when he’s not here to talk things over with. I’m just conflicted, angry, and depressed. I just don’t understand why. I don’t know why he had to die and I don’t understand why he would do that to me. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well.  Death of a love one in itself is unbearable, but add the feeling of betrayal with it, and it can be beyond heartbreaking.  Love can be strange, in the sense that it can be the happiest thing ever but also cause the most pain; and yet everyone needs it.  I believe some souls have a way of connecting with one another without knowledge; that's why you can meet someone for the first time, have some challenges; perhaps split for a while; but inside you just know that together is where you should be and know it from the first time you meet.

I know as a women, we are creatures of love and commitment and want our mates to be the same.  When they are not, or we feel they have not, we become angry, bitter and hurt. But in order to grow, we must forgive.  Forgiveness is a strange thing and it is sometimes easier to forgive our enemies than our friends and hardest of all to forgive those we love the most. Forgiving those who wronged us is a mark of spiritual strength; when you forgive you grow and when you grow, your heart begins to heal.   Forgive him not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. 

Don't ever expect to get all your "Why" questions answered; that just won't happen, not now anyway; and perhaps we are not meant to know why.  No man (or women for that matter) is perfect; but if he was kind and thoughtful and the love you shared with each other was that *special" kind of love, than that is all that really mattered.   Things happen, in accordance to God's Will, for a reason; and that reason causes change.  Sometimes it hurts; sometimes is hard; but in the end, it for the best and again, it's God Will.

I truly hope you continue to post; we are all here on this horrific journey for a reason; to help encourage and uplift one another - sure thing; but more than that - to learn valuable lessons.  We learn something through everyone that passes through our lives.  Some lessons are painful; some are painless, and some are priceless.  I pray that God gives you HIS love, HIS  strength and HIS peace. 

[KMB]

Tailor, I am so sorry for your loss and I cannot even imagine the pain of finding out a betrayal added to your loss as well. Everyone has a story and we all loved intensely and we are grieving just as intensely. This is a good place to come to, for just reading others posts, expressing your own feelings, crying, venting, whatever you need to do.

I understand that for young people, loss can be harder to grasp and comprehend. You had your whole life ahead, with your futures planned and it gets all blown apart. You might not even have had to deal with death yet, before now.

I hope you have the support of your family and your boyfriend's family. You need someone to cry with, talk with and be there for you. KayC mentioned grief counseling. That would be a  great option or a grief therapist. It is almost impossible to go through grieving by ourselves.

Sending out prayers for you for God's strength, love, comfort and eventual peace.

[FirstWasLast]

As if your loss wasn't enough...

Tailor55, I went through a similar situation. When my partner was sick and in the hospital, his ex came back into his life -which seemed normal to me, they had shared many things and now she learns that he's very sick, of course she'll come visit. But it wasn't just that. She came back to express all of her anger and bitterness towards me, because she never actually accepted me as his new partner. She even went as far as introducing HERSELF as his current partner to the medical staff or to the people that attended his funeral. I can't even describe how that hurt on a daily basis and still hurts when i think about her -I try not to.

The point is, my partner didn't do what he should have in order to keep her away, make her understand that she had no right to behave like this and protect me from all this emotional pain. He only did it about 10 days before dying, and at that point I had already suffered a lot. It was -and still is- impossible for me to get mad at my partner. I just can't. There can be no anger inside me towards him. But what I did feel in relation to this whole mess was a strong bitterness. During the first months, I remember thinking, in an almost tender way ''my love, you really messed up''. It may even seem ridiculous, but that was the maximum I could reach as far as negative feelings towards my partner go. Obviously, negative feelings towards his ex were significantly more frequent and intense.

KayC is right, you need to experience this anger. That's what I did in my own way, and suddenly, about four months after his passing, I realised one day that I had completely forgiven him for what had happened. I knew he would never want me to suffer and he was actually the one to suffer the most from this situation that his ex forced on him. I knew that he hurts when I hurt. And at the end of the day, our love was way more important than any stupid incident. I try to hold on to that.

May you find all the strength and patience you need.

[Tailor55]

On 11/12/2017 at 9:26 AM, KayC said:

Oh Tailor, my heart breaks for you!  Hard enough to deal with loss of the most significant person in our life, but you're experiencing complicated grief, and that's really tough.  You're right, you can't demand answers from him, he won't get the chance to say he's sorry...but you knew him, you knew him better than anyone and you know what he would have said to you if given the chance...hear those words now.  It helps to take the whole of the person and realize they aren't only what they were on their worst day, but you knew all of him and what he could be.  Yes, loving, forgiving, letting go of the wrongs so it doesn't hold you there.  Forgiveness is key.  It's damned hard when they're not there to talk to about it but it can be done.  You say you can't be mad at him but I think you can and need to be in order to process this and make your way through it and past it.  It's okay to feel angry, just because he's gone doesn't change that, let it out, let yourself feel and experience it, and then you can let it go.

Have you considered grief counseling?

Thank you. I really needed to hear that because it’s just been so conflicting and hard to deal with everything. I think that’s why I find it hard to be mad with him since I knew we would’ve fixed things but now he’s not here to go through the motions with. 

But yes, I am currently looking into to places to receive grief counseling! 

[Tailor55]

19 hours ago, Francine said:

I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well.  Death of a love one in itself is unbearable, but add the feeling of betrayal with it, and it can be beyond heartbreaking.  Love can be strange, in the sense that it can be the happiest thing ever but also cause the most pain; and yet everyone needs it.  I believe some souls have a way of connecting with one another without knowledge; that's why you can meet someone for the first time, have some challenges; perhaps split for a while; but inside you just know that together is where you should be and know it from the first time you meet.

I know as a women, we are creatures of love and commitment and want our mates to be the same.  When they are not, or we feel they have not, we become angry, bitter and hurt. But in order to grow, we must forgive.  Forgiveness is a strange thing and it is sometimes easier to forgive our enemies than our friends and hardest of all to forgive those we love the most. Forgiving those who wronged us is a mark of spiritual strength; when you forgive you grow and when you grow, your heart begins to heal.   Forgive him not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. 

Don't ever expect to get all your "Why" questions answered; that just won't happen, not now anyway; and perhaps we are not meant to know why.  No man (or women for that matter) is perfect; but if he was kind and thoughtful and the love you shared with each other was that *special" kind of love, than that is all that really mattered.   Things happen, in accordance to God's Will, for a reason; and that reason causes change.  Sometimes it hurts; sometimes is hard; but in the end, it for the best and again, it's God Will.

I truly hope you continue to post; we are all here on this horrific journey for a reason; to help encourage and uplift one another - sure thing; but more than that - to learn valuable lessons.  We learn something through everyone that passes through our lives.  Some lessons are painful; some are painless, and some are priceless.  I pray that God gives you HIS love, HIS  strength and HIS peace. 

Thank you. With the way everything unraveled, it made me feel insecure about our relationship. I do have to remind myself of what we had and what we shared. 

I definitely needed the reminded that we are not perfect. I do recognize that we all have our faults and I think that’s what’s going to help me in the process to forgiveness. 

Thank you for your kind words! 

[Tailor55]

13 hours ago, KMB said:

Tailor, I am so sorry for your loss and I cannot even imagine the pain of finding out a betrayal added to your loss as well. Everyone has a story and we all loved intensely and we are grieving just as intensely. This is a good place to come to, for just reading others posts, expressing your own feelings, crying, venting, whatever you need to do.

I understand that for young people, loss can be harder to grasp and comprehend. You had your whole life ahead, with your futures planned and it gets all blown apart. You might not even have had to deal with death yet, before now.

I hope you have the support of your family and your boyfriend's family. You need someone to cry with, talk with and be there for you. KayC mentioned grief counseling. That would be a  great option or a grief therapist. It is almost impossible to go through grieving by ourselves.

Sending out prayers for you for God's strength, love, comfort and eventual peace.

Everything has been even harder since we had plans to travel in May, and now that’s all over. A lot of our plans are over. Thankfully, both of our families have been so supportive of me. As hard as this is, it has made things a little easier. 

Hopefully, I’ll be able to start receiving some type of grief counseling after thanksgiving. 

And thank you!

[Tailor55]

6 hours ago, FirstWasLast said:

As if your loss wasn't enough...

Tailor55, I went through a similar situation. When my partner was sick and in the hospital, his ex came back into his life -which seemed normal to me, they had shared many things and now she learns that he's very sick, of course she'll come visit. But it wasn't just that. She came back to express all of her anger and bitterness towards me, because she never actually accepted me as his new partner. She even went as far as introducing HERSELF as his current partner to the medical staff or to the people that attended his funeral. I can't even describe how that hurt on a daily basis and still hurts when i think about her -I try not to.

The point is, my partner didn't do what he should have in order to keep her away, make her understand that she had no right to behave like this and protect me from all this emotional pain. He only did it about 10 days before dying, and at that point I had already suffered a lot. It was -and still is- impossible for me to get mad at my partner. I just can't. There can be no anger inside me towards him. But what I did feel in relation to this whole mess was a strong bitterness. During the first months, I remember thinking, in an almost tender way ''my love, you really messed up''. It may even seem ridiculous, but that was the maximum I could reach as far as negative feelings towards my partner go. Obviously, negative feelings towards his ex were significantly more frequent and intense.

KayC is right, you need to experience this anger. That's what I did in my own way, and suddenly, about four months after his passing, I realised one day that I had completely forgiven him for what had happened. I knew he would never want me to suffer and he was actually the one to suffer the most from this situation that his ex forced on him. I knew that he hurts when I hurt. And at the end of the day, our love was way more important than any stupid incident. I try to hold on to that.

May you find all the strength and patience you need.

I really needed to hear this today. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. Death is already hard but having to deal with extra stuff just makes it harder.

I find myself talking to him, just asking why he had to go out that night and at my worst I call him a stupid boy. That’s about as upset as I can get. I do understand I have every right to be angry, and that I can be angry. Hopefully within these next few months I’ll really allow myself to feel everything. 

[Azipod]

Tailor55, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.   Losing a partner is difficult -- and losing a partner while having some "unresolved issues" can make things even more difficult.  The truth is that I don't think any of us have an absolutely clean relationship and loss.  Some of us may have a very loving and fulfilling relationship, but there are always things here and there that could have been improved.  I lost my wife in part due to some things that she did not choose to share with me which is along the lines of her medical treatment.  I don't blame her, not at all.  However, during my grief process, discovering and understanding why my wife made some of the decisions that she did, helped me a lot -- probably more than I thought it would.   The initial weeks going forward will be difficult.  Have faith, believe in yourself, and seek out what your heart desires in order to heal your precious body.    If you have access to counseling, you may want to seek the help with therapy so that so that a trained specialist can help you understand the dynamics in your relationship.    Having to endure grief is tough enough, but having something else hanging out there can make it so much more difficult.       Also, please know that it's ok  to be angry, depressed, and conflicted.   We all go through these feelings and some days will be worse than others.   Hang in there and keep writing so we can help.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Azipod said:

The truth is that I don't think any of us have an absolutely clean relationship and loss.

That's true for everyone.  We're not perfect beings so how can everything always be perfect in our relationship or situation?  I say George was "perfect for me", which he is, but does that mean we didn't go through stuff?  No!  But we always knew each other's hearts and always worked our way through everything together.  Unfortunately, someone dying in the middle of it, as tends to happen because we're just living our lives out not knowing one is going to die, it doesn't let you work through it the way you normally would.  BUT you CAN remember how they felt, what they would have said, and TAKE THAT and console yourself with it, apply it to the wound, and let it heal.