I can't believe it's been six months...

[FirstWasLast]

A few days ago was what I considered the first milestone: six months since the love of my life passed away.

I can't believe it's been that long since I held him in my arms. Just like I thought, I'm not any better -quite the opposite actually, I'm a little worse every day. Suicidal thoughts are very present and various recurring discomforts that I experience in my body give me the morbid satisfaction of my body maybe shutting off on its own before I get the chance to do something to myself. 

I met up with some common friends we've had recently, for the first time since he passed. We talked and talked for days. They're very spiritual people but not in a religious way, so for the first time I felt comfortable using terms like ''soul'', ''afterlife'', ''soulmate'' in a real-life conversation, since I come from a background that dismisses this kind of perception. Also, they were the first people to whom I confessed I want to end my life -except for you guys on this forum, of course. Their reaction was a further proof of their spirituality and very comforting for me: they obviously didn't encourage me to do it, but understood why I would want that and what I could maybe get as a result. No judgment, no taboo, no shock, just listening to what I had to say. But they did ask me a question that has got me thinking: what would my partner want me to do?

Sincerely, I don't know. My partner didn't think he would die, so we never had ''a talk''. He only realised it a few days before his death, since he remained optimistic till the end, and even then he never told me what he wanted me to do. Hollywood movies and common sense would make me think he'd want me to move on. But he never expressed that openly, even when he knew he was dying. Knowing him, his generosity would definitely want me to be happy, but his possessiveness might get in the way. Please don't imagine anything toxic; he was a wonderful man and our relationship was perfectly balanced. It's just that, naturally, he didn't want to imagine me with another man, not even as a joke. Therefore, I believe that he didn't tell me anything not because he wouldn't want me to be happy, but simply because he hadn't had enough time knowing he was dying in order to make peace with the idea of me being with another man. As to my desire to die, I wouldn't believe that he would encourage it either, but at the same time, every time he's visited me in my dreams, he's being possessive and very life-like. He holds me and kisses me passionately, just like when he was here. We talk about other things that happen in my life but not that particular one. I feel like if he sees what I'm going through and if he really wanted me to move on, he would say it to me somehow. He would...let me go, I guess -not that I would want that of course! I just feel like we were separated so violently at the peak of our love, that neither of us can conceive the idea of existing in a different context than that of our relationship. Also, since I believe we are soulmates, that to me is definitely a factor that doesn't let us be separately in peace.

I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense, my head is a mess... I'd like to hear your opinions. I'd also like to know if your partner told you something before dying or not, if you ever got to have that talk. In any case, thank you for reading this far.

[LoveD]

FastWasLast, if you want to find out what your love one’s opinion is on your future, you can have a medium reading.  Recently I had one.  I got the message from my  husband.  He felt sorry to leave me behind by myself.  He can’t be happy unless I am.  We come to this world with individual mission; we have to fulfill our purposes before we leave.  So follow your heart.  Even the spirit on the Other World can’t make every decision for you.  We are in the process of grief.  One minute a day is easy to say than done.  I believe that our feeling and perspective on the world will keep changing when we are marching this painful journey.  I try not to think about the future.  Living every day is not easy.  It won’t be wrong to follow your basic instinct and listen to your inner voice.

[KayC]

Six months is one of the hardest hitting times...it is when shock has worn off, people have gone back to their lives, and reality has sunk in.  Grief doesn't end, but it does evolve.  It won't always stay in this intensity.  In time we do adjust, we get better at coping, but ALWAYS we miss them...that part doesn't go away.  Our lives are changed by our loss, everything is separated into a before or after.  WE are changed, we aren't the same, we are affected tremendously by our loss.  We can't take life for granted again, we realize everything can change in the blink of an eye.

My George died suddenly also, I was away that weekend, I was rarely ever away, but I was at my sisters reunion, 4 1/2 hours away, and shortly after I left, he went into the hospital...he wouldn't let the doctor call me because he "didn't want to ruin my weekend".  He obviously didn't realize he was going to die.  A friend called me and I got to the hospital two days after he went in...he died a few hours later.  I didn't get time alone with him to talk...people were there, then they moved him, when they allowed me back in he was asleep, he woke up having a heart attack...I ran for help, they came running, they threw me off the ward and locked the door behind them.  Then they came and didn't have to tell me he was gone, I knew.  It was the worst shock of my life.

So no "last talk".  He was supposed to have surgery the next day, a five bypass, I had the feeling he wouldn't make it through surgery, but I thought we'd have that night together.

It's been 12 1/2 years.  I started a grief support group in my community, there had never been one here.  I wrote an article of what I've learned on this journey, I hope it's of some help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KMB]

On 11/11/2017 at 8:12 AM, FirstWasLast said:

 

A few days ago was what I considered the first milestone: six months since the love of my life passed away.

I can't believe it's been that long since I held him in my arms. Just like I thought, I'm not any better -quite the opposite actually, I'm a little worse every day. Suicidal thoughts are very present and various recurring discomforts that I experience in my body give me the morbid satisfaction of my body maybe shutting off on its own before I get the chance to do something to myself. 

I met up with some common friends we've had recently, for the first time since he passed. We talked and talked for days. They're very spiritual people but not in a religious way, so for the first time I felt comfortable using terms like ''soul'', ''afterlife'', ''soulmate'' in a real-life conversation, since I come from a background that dismisses this kind of perception. Also, they were the first people to whom I confessed I want to end my life -except for you guys on this forum, of course. Their reaction was a further proof of their spirituality and very comforting for me: they obviously didn't encourage me to do it, but understood why I would want that and what I could maybe get as a result. No judgment, no taboo, no shock, just listening to what I had to say. But they did ask me a question that has got me thinking: what would my partner want me to do?

Sincerely, I don't know. My partner didn't think he would die, so we never had ''a talk''. He only realised it a few days before his death, since he remained optimistic till the end, and even then he never told me what he wanted me to do. Hollywood movies and common sense would make me think he'd want me to move on. But he never expressed that openly, even when he knew he was dying. Knowing him, his generosity would definitely want me to be happy, but his possessiveness might get in the way. Please don't imagine anything toxic; he was a wonderful man and our relationship was perfectly balanced. It's just that, naturally, he didn't want to imagine me with another man, not even as a joke. Therefore, I believe that he didn't tell me anything not because he wouldn't want me to be happy, but simply because he hadn't had enough time knowing he was dying in order to make peace with the idea of me being with another man. As to my desire to die, I wouldn't believe that he would encourage it either, but at the same time, every time he's visited me in my dreams, he's being possessive and very life-like. He holds me and kisses me passionately, just like when he was here. We talk about other things that happen in my life but not that particular one. I feel like if he sees what I'm going through and if he really wanted me to move on, he would say it to me somehow. He would...let me go, I guess -not that I would want that of course! I just feel like we were separated so violently at the peak of our love, that neither of us can conceive the idea of existing in a different context than that of our relationship. Also, since I believe we are soulmates, that to me is definitely a factor that doesn't let us be separately in peace.

I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense, my head is a mess... I'd like to hear your opinions. I'd also like to know if your partner told you something before dying or not, if you ever got to have that talk. In any case, thank you for reading this far.

 

When I was at the 6 month mark, it was the darkest, most terribly frightening time for me. Reality becomes no longer covered up by the fantasy of this being a nightmare, that we will wake up from. Reality is front and center of every moment of the days and nights. It was so crushing finally, fully realizing my husband was never coming back. I remember being down deep in the grief pit. I had no one to really talk to, that understood. No one that either my husband or I knew, that had lost a spouse. What is up with that? I am in my late 50's. The people we know are in the same age bracket and also in their 60's and 70's. I am the only one in our circle, to lose my spouse. For me, it was unbelievable.  I had the forum here, which has been my life line. But, you know what I mean. No one here, face to face to talk to. I was having thoughts of getting out of my misery. I didn't know how to do that. I did not want to do that to my kids. I have my pets. I couldn't leave them. They are in their senior years. At that time, none of my kids were able to have pets where they were living. They would have been miserable in a shelter, not easily adoptable due to their age. I even thought about the worst case scenario that someone would just dump them out somewhere to fend on their own. I couldn't leave because of my pets. They are a part of my life with my husband. So, I have just gritted my teeth and have taken it day by day. Those I love here, my pets, my kids, a couple friends, they deserve whatever is left of me that I can share with them. What matters the most when we leave this earth, is the love and thoughts, memories, for those we leave behind.

My husband had health conditions. He knew he was most likely to be the one to leave first. He wasn't one that wore his heart on his sleeve. He showed his love by how he provided in taking care of me. I never lacked for anything. He was content driving an older, beater pickup, while making sure I had a decent vehicle. If anything needed to be fixed, renovated, he was on top of it. When he would bring up something about when he was no longer here, he would talk about and remind me of the mechanics of things. How to take care of the vehicles, the mowers and tractors that were used to take care of the property. He would tell me that he taught me everything I need to know in how to survive in the physical sense. But, neither of us could bring up the emotional stuff. What he really wanted me to do, to cope with his absence. it was too hard for him. It would hurt him to even think about leaving me. I didn't want him to hurt, so I never brought up the tougher topic. I just assumed we had more time yet.He would only go so far as to say that he didn't want to leave me here alone. He knew how it was going to be for me and he didn't know what to say for that. We were constantly together. He didn't know how to express his emotions into all the things he wanted to say.

I always think about what does he want me to do. He loved life. He had a full life. He had the opportunities to do everything he wanted to do. He was always busy, working on some project, always being productive. We went on a lot of trips in our early years. He was a pilot, from his years in the Air Force, and gave me my first plane ride. He wanted me to see things and places. He broadened my horizons in so many ways. He would want for me to be happy. He was always concerned if I was happy being with him. He would want for me to keep experiencing life and fulfilling my own inner dreams. All easier said than done, of course. But, I am just going with the flow. I miss him so very much and just wish for my life to fast forward so I can be with him again. The future will unfold on its own, whatever is meant to be, will happen.

[Francine]

 

On 11/11/2017 at 8:12 AM, FirstWasLast said:

But they did ask me a question that has got me thinking: what would my partner want me to do?

Sincerely, I don't know. My partner didn't think he would die, so we never had ''a talk''. He only realised it a few days before his death, since he remained optimistic till the end, and even then he never told me what he wanted me to do. Hollywood movies and common sense would make me think he'd want me to move on. But he never expressed that openly, even when he knew he was dying. Knowing him, his generosity would definitely want me to be happy, but his possessiveness might get in the way. Please don't imagine anything toxic; he was a wonderful man and our relationship was perfectly balanced. It's just that, naturally, he didn't want to imagine me with another man, not even as a joke. Therefore, I believe that he didn't tell me anything not because he wouldn't want me to be happy, but simply because he hadn't had enough time knowing he was dying in order to make peace with the idea of me being with another man. As to my desire to die, I wouldn't believe that he would encourage it either, but at the same time, every time he's visited me in my dreams, he's being possessive and very life-like. He holds me and kisses me passionately, just like when he was here. We talk about other things that happen in my life but not that particular one. I feel like if he sees what I'm going through and if he really wanted me to move on, he would say it to me somehow. He would...let me go, I guess -not that I would want that of course! I just feel like we were separated so violently at the peak of our love, that neither of us can conceive the idea of existing in a different context than that of our relationship. Also, since I believe we are soulmates, that to me is definitely a factor that doesn't let us be separately in peace.

6-months was a milestone for me as well; I think that was when it was sinking in that my Charles was NOT coming back to me.  It simultaneously meant both everything and nothing to me. (sounds crazy -doesn't it?)  Everything because it was the longest six months of my life and I never felt so many emotions so intensely. Nothing because, looking back, I can’t believed six months passed so quickly and so much of it feels like a blur.  Everything because my whole outlook on life changed. Nothing because I felt so powerless and I understood that I had no real control over the future.  Everything because it was the longest period of time we were ever apart.  Nothing because I’ve started to understand that time is a measure that holds little value in grief.  Everything because I can’t believe how much our families and friends have gone through in that time. Nothing because I suspect that what we’re going through hasn’t even started yet. Honestly,  I spent today missing him, and that is probably how I'll spend tomorrow, and the day after that and all the days after that.  No let up in sight. It's how my days start and finish these days.  Will I ever stop - Nope - not in a million years.  It's now become a part of my being.

My Charles and I were together for nearly 45 years and on occasion would speak on the subject of what would happen if one made the transition before the other.  He always thought he'd go before me and said he'd want it that way; he emphasized that if I was taken first, he would just die.  That hurt me hearing him say that - I told him I would want him to live the rest of his life to the fullest and he said the same for me.   Needless to say, we decided to alleviate any hurt on the surviving spouse, we'd just go together.  That was not the case.  Now as I think about it, and as much as it hurts me, I've come to realize that God knows what is best for me and for us all.   It's not MY will be done, it's *HIS Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven*. God doesn't work according to our timing; HE doesn't operate according to our schedule or plans.  HIS ways are so much greater than our own.

Charles and I were and will forever remain  *soulmates*.  Nothing can change or erase that; not even death.  To me that means, an ongoing connection so strong, one that draws you to  one another in a way you have never or will ever experience again.  That soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness to you.  An individual that the soul picks up in various times and places over lifetimes. An attraction at the *soul* level; not because that person was our unique compliment, but because by being with that soul, we are somehow provided with a force to become whole ourselves.

Sending prayers up to the heavens for you.