18 Months since I Heard Your Laugh

[Miss My Boy]

I'm not totally sure of what I am searching for here...maybe by telling my experience, it will help me with healing???

I lost my son 18 months ago...they say that "time heals"...but, so far, this is untrue for me. At this time, I feel like I have started the grieving process all over again. I feel this way because when Steve passed he was in the prime of his racing career and had a huge following of fans. I used this following as an outlet for my grieving. I read 1000s of messages and emails of condolences. I became involved in events that celebrated the life of my boy. I worked at things that would keep his "dreams alive". In other words, I was mourning the loss of "what he was to the world", not "what he was to me".  I was filling in the void he left, in his passing, with things that kept me busy, but not really dealing with the pain I was feeling. Recently, I have decided to step away from the "Steve legacy" , and mourn the loss of my boy and to work at my healing.

Steve was in a dirt bike accident on May 6th, 2016....I will never forget the phone call "....Steve has been in an accident and he is being flown to Victoria hospital...". I was used to getting calls regarding Steve and hospitals, but I knew this time was different. We spent 5 long days, at the hospital, with him on life support, and on May 10th we had to let him go. I was thankful that I was able to be there for him and hold him when he left....but my heart was shattering....and still is! He was only 26 years old....in the prime of his life!!!! So unfair. 

The first few weeks went by in a blur. I had a good support system with my daughter, brother, and friends, but I did live alone, so there was a lot of time spent on my own. Out of the corner of my eye I kept seeing him walking around the corner of the house....every time would bring on a fresh batch of tears....he was never going to walk around that corner again.

Weeks turned to months....feelings of guilt because I have continued on and even smile once in awhile. At the 6 month mark, of Steve's passing, we decided to finally spread his ashes. We did this in a quiet manner with just family and a bonfire...Steve loved fires. At this time, considering what I had been through, I thought I was moving through the grieving process as well as expected. I didn't realize what was to come...all of the firsts. First birthday that he wouldn't celebrate, first Christmas without him, first New Year's without a midnight call from him....everyone of these firsts tears open the wounds that you think were just starting to heal.

People warn you that the one year mark is very difficult, but I found that it started the month before. I found myself fretting that a whole year was getting close. In my mind, I felt if I went a whole year without seeing him, that meant "this is real"!!! I didn't want it to be real...it was time to wake up from this horrible dream. But I wasn't dreaming...this was my new normal...I wanted my old normal back.  After making it through a whole year, you'd think it would be getting easier...nope...just reaffirms what you don't want to be real, but is!

So, coming up to the year and half mark, and I still feel like I'm being torn up inside. Reality is setting in...and I don't like it. Now I look at pictures and realize that there will be no new pics of Steve, no new memories, no new shenanigans, and no grandbabies.

I love and miss my boy so much.

[Tommy's mum]

missmyboy oh what a hard hard thing to accept that your son will not come back. i am sorry for your loss, but glad that you reached out for communication with parents who understand that awful pain personally. My son was killed in 2015 and i still miss him every day. You are right that you were doing what was expected of you at the time dealing with fans and probably the media too, but now all of that has faded you realise your time to grieve has started. As time goes by others move forward and we often feel left behind and guilty that we are still not ready or fixed. there is not a specific time limit on grief, most of us believe it only truly ends when we hold our spirit children in our arms again at the end of our natural lives. reality is raw and scary and depressing. Do you get to grieve and remember with your daughter? Losing a sibling is a terrible loss too but in a different way. my 3 adult children seem to be doing ok they support each other but don't often talk about Tommy with me because they know I am very sad still and struggle sometimes. My daughter put it to me quite bluntly "Mum I know Tommy has gone and it is awful but we are still here and still alive so you need to be there for us". Tough words but she is right so I try to do that. there will be no more photos or videos of our spirit child, or visits and that is very painful to grasp but just know steve is still with you by your side and one day you will see and hold him again. Most of us post on loss of a child on the loss of an adult thread at the top the one with a huge number of views. It keeps us all together in one place you can join us there when you are ready ok?