Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Lost and Alone

Lost and Alone

Recommended Posts

I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend 6 weeks ago suddenly to a severe asthma attack.  How do people go on?  I just sit and cry every day and night...can't sleep...can't eat....can't be bothered to even go out.  We were inseparable for almost 30 years.  I can't bare the thought of going on without him.  Some people say it gets better others say it never gets better.  

I no longer believe in god in fact I no longer believe in anything....my life is horrible and I really don't see the need to go on without him...I would never do anything to myself but the future looks all wrong to me without him with me.

I really admire those that can move forward I just don't think I will ever have the strength to do that.  I'm sorry to hear about all your losses....I feel your anguish and pain!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know your pain and what you are enduring. I lost my husband suddenly to cardiac arrest. It doesn't matter how we lose our soul mates, whether suddenly by some means  or by cancer or some other illness, loss is loss. We can never be prepared and the trauma is such a shock for our bodies, minds and hearts. Your loss is so new and of course you have every right to cry day and night. I and the others here did the same. Sleep is also an issue for some us and having zero appetite. I lost about 25 pounds in the first couple of months. I didn't bother with showering unless I had to go somewhere. I stayed in my pj's and robe all day when home. I stayed in our bed a lot. I also kept myself pretty much isolated for a long time. I still do to some extent. I preferred the sanctuary of our home.  I didn't want to hear others inappropriate words or the platitudes that mean nothing when your heart is shattered. My husband and I were rarely apart and it is so hard going any where alone.  I only left the house when I absolutely had to. It has gotten less difficult to get and about. It does help to get out in public places or visit others, to be around people and get out of our own heads for awhile.

How do people go on? There is no easy answer. We do our grieving our way. We do whatever we need to, in order to cope. We take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. We don't listen to others comments on what they think we should or should not be doing. They are not in our shoes. They have not lost their soul mate. They do not "get it". I wear my husband's clothes to feel closer to him. I sleep with one of his favorite hats. Even after almost 15 months, his belongings are still where he left them. His things might still be here 10 years from now or 30, I don't care .I did not consent to the unfairness of life in my husband leaving me and I know he didn't want to leave here.

I didn't think it was possible to live without my husband either. I could not comprehend it. How does a person go on, when they "died" when their soul mate did? I was hoping that broken heart syndrome would do me in. I had chest pains for about the first couple of months. I kept praying to God every night to release me from this unending pain and allow me to join my husband. I guess God has other plans for me. I feel those of us with faith, stumble and fall in the early days, months. But, it is during this time that we need to hang onto our faith and trust in God even more . He sees and understands our pain and suffering. If we open our heart with love and trust, He will comfort us, give us the strength to carry us through our grieving.  Do you have a support system in place? Family and friends? Have you considered grief therapy or support group? I attended a grief support group that was beneficial in that I was with others who understood loss.

You will survive your grief and loss. Right now, you don't believe that. I did not either. But, you have survived for the past 6 weeks. Every single day we put behind us, makes us stronger. We don't feel strong, but it is there. Just breathe. Just do what you need to, in the current day. There is no need to worry about the future. We don't know the future. We have enough to handle just in the present moment, the present day. That is enough. Eventually, you will begin to take baby steps. Whether those baby steps are just for a walk outside, or baby steps in vacuuming one room or doing dishes. There will be baby steps in getting out of your comfort zone and leaving home and going to a restaurant for coffee or a meal with friends or family. We all start out with baby steps and over time, finding a way of living for yourself gets less difficult.

Sending prayers for your continual strength, love, comfort and eventual peace.  (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
15 hours ago, Lost and Alone said:

I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend 6 weeks ago suddenly to a severe asthma attack.  How do people go on?  I just sit and cry every day and night...can't sleep...can't eat....can't be bothered to even go out.  We were inseparable for almost 30 years.  I can't bare the thought of going on without him.  Some people say it gets better others say it never gets better.  

I no longer believe in god in fact I no longer believe in anything....my life is horrible and I really don't see the need to go on without him...I would never do anything to myself but the future looks all wrong to me without him with me.

I really admire those that can move forward I just don't think I will ever have the strength to do that.  I'm sorry to hear about all your losses....I feel your anguish and pain!

I am so sorry!  It is hard to go on, in the beginning I didn't see it was possible.  It's normal to feel your faith is shaken when going through such loss.  Nothing to worry about, God is able to take your anger, He'll still be there if and when you're ready.  It's been 12 1/2 years for me since my husband died and I wrote this article of what I have learned along the way so I want to post it for you in the hopes that maybe even one thing will be of help to you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Paluka   
16 hours ago, Lost and Alone said:

I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend 6 weeks ago suddenly to a severe asthma attack.  How do people go on?  I just sit and cry every day and night...can't sleep...can't eat....can't be bothered to even go out.  We were inseparable for almost 30 years.  I can't bare the thought of going on without him.  Some people say it gets better others say it never gets better.  

I no longer believe in god in fact I no longer believe in anything....my life is horrible and I really don't see the need to go on without him...I would never do anything to myself but the future looks all wrong to me without him with me.

I really admire those that can move forward I just don't think I will ever have the strength to do that.  I'm sorry to hear about all your losses....I feel your anguish and pain!

I’m very sorry about your husband. My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 8 weeks and 1 day ago. I do not know the cause of her death at this time.

i have recently learned that the trauma of sudden and unexpected death tends to leave us (me) especially vulnerable and disoriented. No matter whether his death was sudden or anticipated it’s heartbreaking and miserable. For me, Lauri’s death has left me lost, confused and still crying daily. Trying to make sense of it will drive you crazy.

A friend of mine reached out to me after he found out about my beloved’s death. His wife died in a car accident 7 years ago. He always tells me to “keep leaning forward.”  I do not have a choice but to try to keep moving forward. I wish there was some clear ending we could point to but there is no such thing. It is a moment, hour, day at a time. 

Be gentle with yourself. None of this is fair or right or just. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been crying and think “it’s not supposed to be this way!” All of the grief books make logical sense but they are not a help this early on. My emotions are entirely too raw; It feels like I’m walking neck-deep in oatmeal. 

Keep reading posts here and do your best to take care of your basic needs. It helps me. 

Again, I am very sorry. I know you are in pain that cannot be described and it is relentless. Just breathe. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
16 hours ago, Lost and Alone said:

I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend 6 weeks ago suddenly to a severe asthma attack.  How do people go on?  I just sit and cry every day and night...can't sleep...can't eat....can't be bothered to even go out.  We were inseparable for almost 30 years.  I can't bare the thought of going on without him.  Some people say it gets better others say it never gets better.  

I no longer believe in god in fact I no longer believe in anything....my life is horrible and I really don't see the need to go on without him...I would never do anything to myself but the future looks all wrong to me without him with me.

I really admire those that can move forward I just don't think I will ever have the strength to do that.  I'm sorry to hear about all your losses....I feel your anguish and pain!

I am so sorry for your loss - just hearing your post brings back so many thoughts I had when my Charles made his transition.  I lost my Charles, the love of my life of 45 years nearly a year ago and all I have done since he passed away is half sleep and cry. At least, that is how it seems. I have family in the area, but sometimes I am sure I'm depressing company. Aside from my children who have their own lives, and my young grandchildren, I just feel that life will never have meaning for me again. I ache for my Charles everyday, and I still reach for him at night, as I used to do when I would check on him. I talk to him often, all alone, but obviously I don't hear anything back (but I sense, or want to believe) he hears me. I just want him back! And yet I know he will never be back - not on this earth, anyway. How does one get past this grief?  Step by step; little by little, moment my moment; day by day, month by month, so forth and so on.  While we all must die, I honestly didn't see this coming, and was completely unprepared for this kind of loss. I couldn't believe it happen, not to me, certainly not now.   My Charles still had a lot of living still to do, or so I thought.  I felt that it was unfair that I was still able to be in this world having positive experiences while he was gone. Sometimes, people even feel like their grief serves as a connection to their lost loved ones, and they cling to it as a means of remaining connected.

For me, it hasn't gotten better, definitely different.  The loss of loved one is a universal experience, but everyone’s grieving process is unique and there is not a one-size-fits-all approach. With that said, for me, I found bereavement groups to be very healing experiences. I felt a sense of connection because they allowed me to see other people living with the same kind of loss I was experiencing.  I felt a sense of hope in their conversations and saw hope in their eyes.  It made me feel realize that perhaps if the people in my group sessions could make it through their losses, there was hope for me as well.  Those sessions are a forum for brainstorming coping techniques while sharing some of the ways to move toward healing. If you consider a group and it feels overwhelming, or if you have trouble and are not ready to open up to a group, you might  consider your own personal grief counseling with a therapist who specializes in this area. Right now you are very understandably suffering, but you do not have to suffer forever, and you do not have to do it alone. You can heal from this, not today, probably not tomorrow, or next week, next month and perhaps not even next year, but you will heal to some degree and we are all here with you wishing you all the best in your process.

Faith can sometimes falter in situation like these, mine certainly did.  I was mad at God and the world, but I've learned.  I've learned to accept HIS will even if I don't agree with it, condone it, appreciate it, or accept what happened.  It means regardless of what happened, I know HE has something bigger for me.  It means that with HIM, I'm going to be OK and continue to be OK. It means trusting in HIM, when doubt within me tells me not to. 

We are all here to die; this earth is not our true home; but death is not the end; quite the opposite - it's the beginning to a new world, and everlasting life;  one where love, joy, great happiness and peace are the norms.   God knows our sorrow; and has lived it through HIS son, Jesus Christ.  HE knows our pain and sufferings.  Revelations 21:4 states, "HE will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying, or pain.  For the old order of things has passed away".  God doesn't stop the bad things from happening in our lives; that's never been part of the promise; the promise is that HE will be with us now and until the end of time.

I know you are hurting and my prayer is that God gives you HIS love, strength and peace to get through most difficult time in your life.  Know that you are and will continue to be in my prayers. Continue to post; we are all on this lonesome journey together and will get through it, somehow, someway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Lost and Alone said:

I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend 6 weeks ago suddenly to a severe asthma attack.  How do people go on?  I just sit and cry every day and night...can't sleep...can't eat....can't be bothered to even go out.  We were inseparable for almost 30 years.  I can't bare the thought of going on without him.  Some people say it gets better others say it never gets better.  

I no longer believe in god in fact I no longer believe in anything....my life is horrible and I really don't see the need to go on without him...I would never do anything to myself but the future looks all wrong to me without him with me.

I really admire those that can move forward I just don't think I will ever have the strength to do that.  I'm sorry to hear about all your losses....I feel your anguish and pain!

 

Hello

Andy and I have very good threads with lots of topics. In one of these topics I posted about helping “newcomers”.

Newcomers please see "Table of contents" attachment and then word search this forum.”

 

I’m never happy to see newcomers post to this forum for the “Loss” is always sad. You're not alone .

 

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
58 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

 

 

Hello

Andy and I have very good threads with lots of topics. In one of these topics I posted about helping “newcomers”.

Newcomers please see "Table of contents" attachment and then word search this forum.”

 

I’m never happy to see newcomers post to this forum for the “Loss” is always sad. You're not alone .

 

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

Who is Andy?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Paluka said:

I’m very sorry about your husband. My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 8 weeks and 1 day ago. I do not know the cause of her death at this time.

i have recently learned that the trauma of sudden and unexpected death tends to leave us (me) especially vulnerable and disoriented. No matter whether his death was sudden or anticipated it’s heartbreaking and miserable. For me, Lauri’s death has left me lost, confused and still crying daily. Trying to make sense of it will drive you crazy.

A friend of mine reached out to me after he found out about my beloved’s death. His wife died in a car accident 7 years ago. He always tells me to “keep leaning forward.”  I do not have a choice but to try to keep moving forward. I wish there was some clear ending we could point to but there is no such thing. It is a moment, hour, day at a time. 

Be gentle with yourself. None of this is fair or right or just. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been crying and think “it’s not supposed to be this way!” All of the grief books make logical sense but they are not a help this early on. My emotions are entirely too raw; It feels like I’m walking neck-deep in oatmeal. 

Keep reading posts here and do your best to take care of your basic needs. It helps me. 

Again, I am very sorry. I know you are in pain that cannot be described and it is relentless. Just breathe. 

 

Thank you all for your kind words of support.  Reading these posts have helped to know that I am not alone in my battle.  

Paluka, your loss is a raw as mine being they have only just passed.  I wish you the best and those are good words to live by "keep leaning forward".  I'm going day by day right now and have good days and bad days.  More bad than good unfortunately at this point.  If you ever need to talk just message me.

I wish nothing but good things and healing for each and everyone of us!  We sure need it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
16 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Newcomers please see "Table of contents" attachment and then word search this forum.”

Where is the link to "Table of contents"?  A little confusing as I'm not sure what you're referring to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   
23 hours ago, Lost and Alone said:

Reading these posts have helped to know that I am not alone in my battle.

What I find so heart breaking and unfortunate  are the millions of people all over the world, who are dealing with loss. Whether a child, life partner, parents, siblings, friends, etc. The majority of humans are grieving for someone they love .We each feel like we are alone, but in reality we are not. For each of us, our pain and grief is unique, which is why we feel we are alone. No one else knows OUR pain as we do.

And if you are of faith, we are not alone, because God knows and feels our pain and suffering. We will all have eternal life with our loved ones, when it is our turn for Heaven.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, KayC said:

After much searching I found a pdf that I think goes with your thread, "Autocharge, my experience" found here (posting page link)

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/10742-autocharge-my-experience/&page=8&tab=comments#comment-152262

KayC, your correct. I did notice that I had not added it to the First post of my thread as I had intended. It has been added as of now. I plan on updating the file soon.

Sorry for the confusion.

Autocharge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×