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Hi my name is jennifer. I'm in college now but for the past 2 years have been hard on me..it all started my junior year in high school my mom was diagnosed with liver disease. It was hard because while she was sick and in the hospital I was still in school so it hit me hard. I had to step up cooking,cleaning,taking my brothers to school, etc. It was fine in the beginning but them my grades slowly started to fall and then I got very depressed. One day my mom wanted me to come to the hospital and visit with her so I skipped school and went to her and when I did she told me it was my fault she was sick and dying. That day she came home and I kept hearing it repeat in my head like a old record..I new it wasn't my fault at least I thought it wasn't but as the days,weeks,months,years go by she gets worse and worse. She us to hit us and yell at us and all this time people would say its her sickness and I never believed it...she would yell abd say nasty things and I tried to get my brothers to stay quiet and out of it. My 18th birthday finally roles around and I'm adopted and so its a big deal to me she tells me I'm to immature to find out about my parents and I'm telling her she doesn't get a say and so I find my parents and I'm debating whether I want to meet them or not (btw I'm still not sure if I want to meet them I know its been a year) and that adds more pressure. My mom gets sicker and I'm getting more scared all this time my moms been sick and people are asking my brothers and my dad how they are and nobody ask me...in my head I'm screaming WHAT ABOUT ME! I MEAN IM HERE TO HELLO! but I keep quiet...my mom passed away a week ago and I've kept quiet I haven't talk to anyone..there's a part of me that wants to scream and cry but I'm trying to keep strong for my family. I've lost so much and I don't know what to do 

Should I meet my biological parents? Should I love someone who's put me in so much pain? Should I cry? 

So many questions run through my head and I don't know what to do

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Dear lazycrazyjen,

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.  i'm sorry for your loss and how complicated that is emotionally with everything that has happened.  It was hard to read and I feel for you.    I wonder if your mom had mental illness?  The things that she said to you sound to me like someone who has mental health issues.  of course you're not to blame in any way!  What she said to you was cruel but she may have been ill and you were never told?  My father was this way who was mentally ill and I grew up with verbal abuse throughout my life so I can recognise it very easily.  I didn't find out till much later in life.  It still affects even me today because cruel words shape who a child becomes later in life.  It appears that other people in your family or around you knew she was ill.  I don't mean her liver disease, I mean her mental condition.  When you feel stronger as time passes perhaps you can begin to find out if she was actually ever diagnosed with depression? or bi polar? or mental health issues.  I'm sorry no one is asking you about you.  Thats painful and I'm sure you feel like screaming.  It is not for anyone to tell you whether to meet your biological mother or not.  You don't have to decide now.  When you feel ready to make that decision you'll know.  Many adopted children don't search for their biological parents until much later, 20's, 30's or even older.  its a big decision.  Maybe one you shouldn't make now while you are raw and confused and struggling.  It takes a long long time to process loosing a parent.  Grief is not what I thought it would be.  There are so many layers and feelings that change, unfold over time.  It is hard enough when you've had a lot of love from your mother.  When you've had difficulties that you talk about the grief process can be very confusing.  I don't have any answers of course.  We are all doing the best we can to get through.  We are reading your words though and listening to you.

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