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Numb and Lost

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Numb and Lost

I'm curious as to how many people still feel just as much pain later on as you did in the beginning? I'm coming up on a year in the next month and I still struggle each and every moment of each and every day. It isn't one bit better. I'm still terrified beyond belief of potentially living 50 or more years with this pain. 

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I’m truly sorry your loss hasn’t got any easier for you, Numb and Lost.  Are you still having grief counseling or attending a support group? 

After 22 months on this poxy, pot hole ridden highway, and despite still having to deal with many emotional major issues, I feel I am coping with my loss a little easier. I still have many tough days and probably an hour doesn’t pass without me thinking of my darling and wishing he was here with me. 

BUT, because of my particular very complicated, circumstances, to keep my sanity,  I learnt very early ‘not to think past today’.  

Since my hubby was killed I’ve had to use my brain like never before to learn and deal with heaps of legal issues and people.  To relieve brain strain and help cease ruminating on problemsI can’t do anything about, I listen to a hypnotherapy video each day, sometimes twice a day - they help me de-stress tremendously.  There are many to choose from on YouTube.  Some look a bit wacky, so I stay away from them. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs. XX

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15 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I'm curious as to how many people still feel just as much pain later on as you did in the beginning? I'm coming up on a year in the next month and I still struggle each and every moment of each and every day. It isn't one bit better. I'm still terrified beyond belief of potentially living 50 or more years with this pain. 

I'm glad you're back.  It's not uncommon for it to feel worse as the reality sets in.  It takes much time to process your grief, it took me a good three years.  It takes even more time to find purpose and create a new life for ourselves that we can live.  We are in this for the long haul so try not to put a time frame on this, our grief is forever but it doesn't stay the same, it evolves as we learn to cope and adjust to what this loss means to our lives.

I wrote this article a while back and hope it is of some help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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19 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I'm curious as to how many people still feel just as much pain later on as you did in the beginning? I'm coming up on a year in the next month and I still struggle each and every moment of each and every day. It isn't one bit better. I'm still terrified beyond belief of potentially living 50 or more years with this pain. 

I know exactly how you feel.  I too am coming up on a year since my Charles made his transition and people seem to think and have commented on how well I'm doing, but I'm not.  I want people to know and not be fooled  by what they think of is my seemingly positive attitude; don't be fooled by my bravado or my intellectual explanations I am doing OK.  I don't want them to think that I have it together, or presume I am healing rapidly.  If they truly knew how much pain I endure each day from missing him, they would wonder how I am still breathing.

The truth is, I have never hurt so much in my entire life; never had such immense pain, or felt such total loss in my life.  There was so much pain, I thought I had died; felt all had been lost.  Feelings of the worst case scenario, magnified a thousand times.  In some ways, I think I did die; so much of me was lost when my Charles passed away.  Close friends and family tried to prepare me for the future without him, but I thought I knew what to expect, I didn't.  So much reality of loss, I felt my life came to an end.    The loss was so great and the pain so intense it dulled my reaction to reality.  

I think the only one way to honor, respect and demonstrate total love for our loss is to live.   Live not only for ourselves but for them.   For me, I'm so grateful when I realize that I would rather have known my Charles for a moment than never at all.  I would rather have endured this inexplicable pain of outliving him than to never have seen his face, spoken is name, felt his arms around me or his lips touching mine.  I would have rather been his and he, mine regardless - regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights, and the years I will walk this earth, carrying him in my heart.

You see, we can accept our future without them; we can move forward positively, respecting the past; honoring the present and receptive to the future.  We can do all these thing with the road map HE (God) has for us and as quiet as it is kept, I think they would want us to.

 

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22 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I'm curious as to how many people still feel just as much pain later on as you did in the beginning? I'm coming up on a year in the next month and I still struggle each and every moment of each and every day. It isn't one bit better. I'm still terrified beyond belief of potentially living 50 or more years with this pain. 

Numb and Lost --- I think it's different for everyone.  Everyone's loss is unique.   For me, I am 4-months and a week and I feel A LOT better than I was during the earlier dark dark weeks/months.  There is still an overwhelming amount of sadness underneath my skin but unlike the earlier days, I am managing and no longer in a fog.  At times, I do still feel some "shock" but they are transient feelings and they usually come by in a small wave for like a minute before it moves on.    Personally, I have done  a lot of grief work and the results are paying off.   But again, everyone's loss is unique it its own way so there's no way to say that one person's recovery work will work for another.    

What are some of the things you have tried over the past year?

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21 hours ago, Francine said:

people seem to think and have commented on how well I'm doing, but I'm not.  I want people to know and not be fooled  by what they think of is my seemingly positive attitude; don't be fooled by my bravado or my intellectual explanations I am doing OK.  I don't want them to think that I have it together, or presume I am healing rapidly.  If they truly knew how much pain I endure each day from missing him, they would wonder how I am still breathing.

The truth is, I have never hurt so much in my entire life; never had such immense pain, or felt such total loss in my life.  There was so much pain, I thought I had died; felt all had been lost.  Feelings of the worst case scenario, magnified a thousand times.  In some ways, I think I did die; so much of me was lost when my Charles passed away.  Close friends and family tried to prepare me for the future without him, but I thought I knew what to expect, I didn't.  So much reality of loss, I felt my life came to an end.    The loss was so great and the pain so intense it dulled my reaction to reality. 

Francine, you just spot-on described how I have been feeling for the past couple of months.  It really moved me and made me feel more validated.  Today marks 4 months since my Russell died.  I still cry every day and have to take life moment by moment.  I'm not completely debilitated like I was during the first few months, but I feel like I am just going through the motions of living.  I cry every night when I lay in bed after everyone else is asleep, when I wake up in the middle of the night unable to sleep, in the morning before I wake my grandson up, in the car when I'm driving alone and hear a song, have a memory, think of something I want to say to him, want to scream at him for leaving me after he promised he wouldn't...   People comment how "strong" I am.  Why?  Because I didn't kill myself (although for a long time all I wanted to do was die - sometimes I still do, but my little guy needs me so here I am)?  Because I shower (most of the time)?  Haven't lost my job (despite not returning to work full-time for over 6 weeks and even them only stared at my computer or read on this forum)?  I get up and do what I need to do to take care of my grandson.  I go to work, and most days I feel like managed to get some things accomplished.  I don't (usually) cry in front of people any more, and can sometimes talk about memories of my life with Russell without breaking down.  Do I feel strong?  Not at all.  On the contrary, I feel like most of the time I'm pretending it didn't happen at all.  And lately that has been getting harder and harder to do, which is terrifying.  Maybe it is easier for others to think we are "strong" or "moving on" than to ask how we are doing and truly want an honest, open answer from us.  If they did ask, I don't know how open I would be because I feel like the whole facade I am living may crumble around me and I won't have the strength to pick it up and put it back together again.  

I am so profoundly sorry that any of us find themselves living this nightmare, but I thank you so much for sharing your experience with us - I honestly think that being able to talk, listen and share in the support of this community is the only thing that seems to help in any way.  I appreciate all of you sharing your experiences, love, stories, feelings, fears and yourselves on this forum.  Although we all ended up here as a result of heartbreak, tragedy and anguish, It is a blessing to be able to find some solace in each other.

losing you.jpg

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RWT143,  Your post is touching and profound. I also always am touched by Francine's postings. I try to do my best by others on this forum, but I have to admit, I don't always feel or practice my own words to others. I also recognize I can come across as blunt, too straight forward with my words. It is not my intent, but just naturally the way I am. My heart cares a great deal for everyone here. There are no adequate words for how we cope with our personal losses.

If the people I interact with personally, knew what was really going on inside of me, they would probably have stuffed me in a hospital some time ago. I have been "faking" it for the sake of others and it gets exhausting, until I am alone and can be my real, messed up, lonely, heart broken self. What a life, huh?

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18 minutes ago, RWT143 said:

I am so profoundly sorry that any of us find themselves living this nightmare, but I thank you so much for sharing your experience with us - I honestly think that being able to talk, listen and share in the support of this community is the only thing that seems to help in any way.  I appreciate all of you sharing your experiences, love, stories, feelings, fears and yourselves on this forum.  Although we all ended up here as a result of heartbreak, tragedy and anguish, It is a blessing to be able to find some solace in each other.

 

Same here - it's unfortunate that any of us should be here but I am so thankful for a forum where we can be ourselves and share our most intimate thoughts of losing someone so near and dear to us. I'll go one further; my belief is that we can't force a connection and we don't meet people by accident; it's not a fluke, or coincidence or luck. We are meant to cross paths for a reason. Once we go through this dark time, God, in all HIS infinite glory, puts the right people, at the right time, under the right circumstances with the right words or message, to help us along this horrific journey.   While God sometimes allow tragedy to enter into our lives, it is never HIS intent for us to go through these difficult times alone. 

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21 minutes ago, KMB said:

If the people I interact with personally, knew what was really going on inside of me, they would probably have stuffed me in a hospital some time ago. I have been "faking" it for the sake of others and it gets exhausting, until I am alone and can be my real, messed up, lonely, heart broken self. What a life, huh?

KMB, your comments, and in particular your bluntness, has led to some of the best laughs that I have had since Russell died!  PLEASE DON'T EVER STOP!!  Even if you get locked up in a hospital.  Hell, you'll probably find one of us there too!  You are absolutely right - faking it is exhausting.  That is one of the great things about this forum:  we don't have to fake anything.  And whatever we say, no matter how crazy-sounding, morbid, or blunt it is, have been, will be, or are thinking the same exact thing.  I find it pretty liberating that on this forum I can state exactly how I feel without shame, embarrassment, or feeling judged.  I try talking that openly with my family but they sometimes (and by sometimes I mean like 99% of the time) don't embrace it as fully.  I'm pretty sure that if any of us here were ever normal, we're not anymore.   :wub:

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19 minutes ago, KMB said:

I also recognize I can come across as blunt, too straight forward with my words. It is not my intent, but just naturally the way I am. My heart cares a great deal for everyone here. There are no adequate words for how we cope with our personal losses.

If the people I interact with personally, knew what was really going on inside of me, they would probably have stuffed me in a hospital some time ago. I have been "faking" it for the sake of others and it gets exhausting, until I am alone and can be my real, messed up, lonely, heart broken self. What a life, huh?

 

I respectfully have to disagree with you.   You just don't know your worth on this website. I can remember my first post to this website and how terribly low and sad I felt. I can also remember how some of my posts were taken out of context.  Well, if not for you and KayC, I was considering leaving this site; well I'm glad I didn't.  And not just me, so many others on this site have benefited from your encouragement and guidance.  Your words and post are so uplifting and positive to me and many others.  PLEASE BELIEVE THAT!  I always look forward to reading them and am always inspired by them. 

I feel you; I've never wanted pity from people, so I might lead them to believe I'm better than what I really am.  But at night, the real *me* comes out, and she's a mess.  Believe me, I know the life.  But works for me is prayer; sometimes sobbing uncontrollably or even screaming, constantly asking God for strength.  And you know what, after a time, I feel a peace that covers me and I'm OK again - that is until my next breakdown.  Hang in there girl, You know you're always in my prayers and thoughts!

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Without the love and support from everyone here on the forum, none of us would be where we are today.   Everyone here is making a difference, for every single one of us.  Thank you all for the love, support, your courage, and your willingness to, just be here with us.

 

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Without the love and support from everyone here on the forum, none of us would be where we are today.   Everyone here is making a difference, for every single one of us.  Thank you all for the love, support, your courage, and your willingness to, just be here with us.

 

You literally said it all - I'll only add AMEN!

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17 hours ago, RWT143 said:

People comment how "strong" I am.  Why?  Because I didn't kill myself (although for a long time all I wanted to do was die - sometimes I still do, but my little guy needs me so here I am)?  Because I shower (most of the time)?  Haven't lost my job (despite not returning to work full-time for over 6 weeks and even them only stared at my computer or read on this forum)?  I get up and do what I need to do to take care of my grandson.  I go to work, and most days I feel like managed to get some things accomplished. 

This really spoke to me.  None of us "get over" this loss, the best we can hope for is to figure out a way to make it where we can have some semblance of occasional happiness and purpose in our lives.  I've learned to appreciate those momentary good feelings, which didn't come for a long long time and often seem elusive.  I will take what I can get.  In the beginning I wanted to die too, still do sometimes when the struggle gets too much.  But I keep on.  I live to take care of my animals, to be here for my kids that I seldom see, but there's more.  I want to be here for others, in any way I can...I guess therein is my "purpose".  It was very hard to transition from being part of a team, a couple, to just me.  I'm not the "me" I was before I met him, I'm not the "me" I was when I was with him...it's a different "me".  A me who has learned so much, survived, but it's not something that "just happened", it's something I had to put a great deal of effort into, a whole lot of learning and trying.  George would be proud of who I am, he would love me all the more.  We've both had to survive the loss of each other, I just hope (and think) that it is easier for him because he has that broader perspective now and is through with life's struggles...he's on the other side, waiting for me.

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15 hours ago, Azipod said:

Without the love and support from everyone here on the forum, none of us would be where we are today.   Everyone here is making a difference, for every single one of us.  Thank you all for the love, support, your courage, and your willingness to, just be here with us.

 

Amen to that!

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RWT143 and Francine,     Thank you both for your kind, supporting words.  Something else that has occurred to me is how fickle grieving can be. Every day is different with the thoughts and feelings. One day I will be thinking that I am going to be okay, somehow, some way. I know where my husband is. He is okay and just waiting for me to catch up to him. The next day, I am back to ground zero. I am never going to be okay. I feel that this distance in separation is getting longer all the time and he will be lost to me forever. My mind is still messed up obviously. I hang on tight to my faith and my spiritual awareness. It is all I have. I guess I am never going to be 100% myself.

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Numb and Lost
On 11/7/2017 at 3:54 AM, M88 said:

I’m truly sorry your loss hasn’t got any easier for you, Numb and Lost.  Are you still having grief counseling or attending a support group? 

After 22 months on this poxy, pot hole ridden highway, and despite still having to deal with many emotional major issues, I feel I am coping with my loss a little easier. I still have many tough days and probably an hour doesn’t pass without me thinking of my darling and wishing he was here with me. 

BUT, because of my particular very complicated, circumstances, to keep my sanity,  I learnt very early ‘not to think past today’.  

Since my hubby was killed I’ve had to use my brain like never before to learn and deal with heaps of legal issues and people.  To relieve brain strain and help cease ruminating on problemsI can’t do anything about, I listen to a hypnotherapy video each day, sometimes twice a day - they help me de-stress tremendously.  There are many to choose from on YouTube.  Some look a bit wacky, so I stay away from them. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs. XX

Thank you. No I don't attend any counseling. It just isn't for me. I've worked in hospice and palliative care type settings so nothing they say is new I guess. I'm glad it helps some people though. I have one person I talk to on here who feels similar to me and that helps. Some days are worse than others. 

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Numb and Lost
On 11/7/2017 at 9:38 AM, KayC said:

I'm glad you're back.  It's not uncommon for it to feel worse as the reality sets in.  It takes much time to process your grief, it took me a good three years.  It takes even more time to find purpose and create a new life for ourselves that we can live.  We are in this for the long haul so try not to put a time frame on this, our grief is forever but it doesn't stay the same, it evolves as we learn to cope and adjust to what this loss means to our lives.

I wrote this article a while back and hope it is of some help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you. Some days are much worse than others. The anniversary coming up around Christmas is really tough. It's always been my favorite time of year and now I feel like it's just bringing back loads of feelings and memories. I do still work out and that helps my mood some. 

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Numb and Lost

I was trying to reply to everyone's comments with quotes but I'm making the thread quite long doing that.  I appreciate all of your responses and tips. 

On 11/7/2017 at 3:10 PM, Francine said:

I know exactly how you feel.  I too am coming up on a year since my Charles made his transition and people seem to think and have commented on how well I'm doing, but I'm not.  I want people to know and not be fooled  by what they think of is my seemingly positive attitude; don't be fooled by my bravado or my intellectual explanations I am doing OK.  I don't want them to think that I have it together, or presume I am healing rapidly.  If they truly knew how much pain I endure each day from missing him, they would wonder how I am still breathing.

The truth is, I have never hurt so much in my entire life; never had such immense pain, or felt such total loss in my life.  There was so much pain, I thought I had died; felt all had been lost.  Feelings of the worst case scenario, magnified a thousand times.  In some ways, I think I did die; so much of me was lost when my Charles passed away.  Close friends and family tried to prepare me for the future without him, but I thought I knew what to expect, I didn't.  So much reality of loss, I felt my life came to an end.    The loss was so great and the pain so intense it dulled my reaction to reality.  

I think the only one way to honor, respect and demonstrate total love for our loss is to live.   Live not only for ourselves but for them.   For me, I'm so grateful when I realize that I would rather have known my Charles for a moment than never at all.  I would rather have endured this inexplicable pain of outliving him than to never have seen his face, spoken is name, felt his arms around me or his lips touching mine.  I would have rather been his and he, mine regardless - regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights, and the years I will walk this earth, carrying him in my heart.

You see, we can accept our future without them; we can move forward positively, respecting the past; honoring the present and receptive to the future.  We can do all these thing with the road map HE (God) has for us and as quiet as it is kept, I think they would want us to.

 

❤️

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Numb and Lost

I was trying to reply to everyone but I'm kind of "woman of few words today." I was making the thread quite long with the quote replies. I appreciate everyone's responses and tips. I have some days that are so much worse than others. I still haven't had one day without tears. The anniversary approaching is really getting to me, especially since it comes along with Christmas. As I'm sure you all can relate, I have days that I'm okay and then days that it hits like a ton of bricks that he is truly gone, and I won't see him again in this life. These are moments in which the reality of it is suffocating. 

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15 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

 I have some days that are so much worse than others. I still haven't had one day without tears. The anniversary approaching is really getting to me, especially since it comes along with Christmas. As I'm sure you all can relate, I have days that I'm okay and then days that it hits like a ton of bricks that he is truly gone, and I won't see him again in this life. These are moments in which the reality of it is suffocating. 

I feel you.  Some days are worse than others.   The anniversary of my Charles passing is fastly approaching and I too am getting all kinds of emotions.  One of the strongest of these is loneliness, and boy am I coming to know it too well.  Empty feelings throughout my entire body makes me sick at the power and strength it has on my thoughts.   It's one of the world's greatest tools of destruction and the best attack on our minds making us believe we are alone and no one cares anything about us. But what counteracts that for me is learning that I'm never lonely if I'm truly living with God.  We are never lonely believing HE created, cared, cares and saved us.  With God in our hearts, how can we ever be lonely?  It is impossible to be lonely with God by our side.  Has anyone ever written of being lonely in Heaven?  I think not!  I too still get those days that I feel as if I'm suffocating, but I've come to realize that God is always there when no one else is. 

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7 minutes ago, Francine said:

I feel you.  Some days are worse than others.   The anniversary of my Charles passing is fastly approaching and I too am getting all kinds of emotions.  One of the strongest of these is loneliness, and boy am I coming to know it too well.  Empty feelings throughout my entire body makes me sick at the power and strength it has on my thoughts.   It's one of the world's greatest tools of destruction and the best attack on our minds making us believe we are alone and no one cares anything about us. But what counteracts that for me is learning that I'm never lonely if I'm truly living with God.  We are never lonely believing HE created, cared, cares and saved us.  With God in our hearts, how can we ever be lonely?  It is impossible to be lonely with God by our side.  Has anyone ever written of being lonely in Heaven?  I think not!  I too still get those days that I feel as if I'm suffocating, but I've come to realize that God is always there when no one else is. 

Francine, hang in there.  It hurts me to see that even our most valued members on this forum, such as yourself, still experience difficult days during this journey.   You have been a rock for all of us here and I'm sure everyone can only see you as the unstoppable person that you are.   It kills us to see that grief can still shake up some of our more established members.  Wishing you a better day! 

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Francine, hang in there.  It hurts me to see that even our most valued members on this forum, such as yourself, still experience difficult days during this journey.   You have been a rock for all of us here and I'm sure everyone can only see you as the unstoppable person that you are.   It kills us to see that grief can still shake up some of our more established members.  Wishing you a better day! 

I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate all of you on this website and how much you've filled my spirit with your kind words and uplifting posts.  You've probably seen my posts on this before, but it never ceases to amaze me how God sends us the right people at the right time with the right words and messages.  Thank you again.  You've made my day.

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On 11/9/2017 at 1:37 PM, KMB said:

RWT143 and Francine,     Thank you both for your kind, supporting words.  Something else that has occurred to me is how fickle grieving can be. Every day is different with the thoughts and feelings. One day I will be thinking that I am going to be okay, somehow, some way. I know where my husband is. He is okay and just waiting for me to catch up to him. The next day, I am back to ground zero. I am never going to be okay. I feel that this distance in separation is getting longer all the time and he will be lost to me forever. My mind is still messed up obviously. I hang on tight to my faith and my spiritual awareness. It is all I have. I guess I am never going to be 100% myself.

I get it.  You hit the spot.  We are never going to be 100% the person who we were before.  We now have a new life.  New challenges.  And to some extent, new interests.  All we can do is cherish the memories and the thoughts of our partner.  They have a permanent space in our hearts.  We just need to carry on each day, and take a piece of them with us along the way.  It won't be like how it was before.  We won't get to converse with them.  We can't touch them.  All we can do is think of them.  It's our new life.  And no, things will never be like how it was before.  That's the hardest part of the grief.

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On 11/10/2017 at 10:49 AM, Azipod said:

 It kills us to see that grief can still shake up some of our more established members.

None of us are immune.  And sometimes, even though I have a relationship with God, I feel lonely.  Like this story, I want George with skin on. 

"A little boy woke up in the midst of a violent storm, frightened by the thunder and lightning, and cried out for his mother. She reassured him, and told him never to be afraid of the dark or the storm because God was right there with him. 

In a few minutes the child cried out again, and the mother went back to his side and reminded the youngster of her earlier assurance that God was with him in the storm. "I know," said the lad, "but I want someone with skin on!"

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I like that little story, KayC.  Living in this physical world is all we know. We need to have faith and trust in the world outside our human senses.

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On 11/11/2017 at 7:34 AM, KayC said:

None of us are immune.  And sometimes, even though I have a relationship with God, I feel lonely.  Like this story, I want George with skin on. 

"A little boy woke up in the midst of a violent storm, frightened by the thunder and lightning, and cried out for his mother. She reassured him, and told him never to be afraid of the dark or the storm because God was right there with him. 

In a few minutes the child cried out again, and the mother went back to his side and reminded the youngster of her earlier assurance that God was with him in the storm. "I know," said the lad, "but I want someone with skin on!"

That is adorable.  Check out the one below:

Teacher to his 3 grade class:

  1. Teacher:  Can you see God?   -   Class:  NO
  2. Teacher:  Can you Touch God?   -   Class NO
  3. Teacher:  Then there isn't a God

Student Raises his hand:

  1. Student:  Sir, Can you see your brain?   -   Teacher:  NO
  2. Student:  Can you touch your brain?   -  Teacher:  NO
  3. Student:  So OK, you don't have a brain.

For me, as an adult,  I stand up for God no matter what!

 
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