Will this horrible pain stop?

[AnnalisaMiniforever]

I lost my dog on Friday. She was 13, we shared 13 beautiful years together, 24/7 always side by side, she was my priority above everything else. Now the house is not just empty, it's unnatural, it feels "wrong" not to see her around. I feel like the love she gave me has been far more intense than most relationships with humans I've ever had (sorry if I sound a bit extreme here, but it pretty much describes how I feel) and now I feel totally empty. No tears left in me.

Is there anyone out there who has ever felt like that? It'd be nice to know that at some point, in the future, this pain will stop or decrease.

Thank you in advance for taking some time to read this.

Love

Anna & Mini (she's still with me)

[AJWCat]

Hi Anna, I am so sorry to hear about sweet Mini! Everyone you find here feels exactly the same. We all feel as lost as you.

I lost my sweet cat a few months ago and for the few weeks, it was as if a dark cloud was cast over everything. The world was just wrong. I was deeply unhappy. I could not eat or sleep the first couple of days. 

It does get better of course. I still miss him terribly but the pain lessens and eventually instead of grief you will have nice memories instead of sadness. It is not easy because Mini was a huge part of your life. I wish you peace as you live with her passing although as you say she will always be with you! 

[AnnalisaMiniforever]

Thank you for your kind words. It makes me feel a little bit better, knowing there's people like you who understand exactly how I feel.

At the moment I'm still struggling though, every single item in the house reminds me of her.

[KayC]

Anna,

I feel that way about the dog I have right now and I dread the day...he's almost ten and his breed doesn't live as long as others. 
I've suffered many losses in my life, my husband 12 years ago, both parents, grandparents, niece, nephew, friends, many pets.  The hardest by far was my husband, it impacted my every day life in every way, and our love was so encompassing...and I know it sounds weird but that's very much how I feel about my current dog.  If there is such a thing as a soulmate in dogs, my Arlie is it.  I can't bounce ideas off him like I could my husband and he can't fix things around the house like he did, but he is my constant companion and he's so perfect for me, so loving, so headstrong, so goofy.  I identify with him so much! 

I am very sorry you lost your dog, it is very hard.  When my husband died it was a shock and I didn't see how I could survive a week without him; the fact I've done this for 12 1/2 years amazes me, but I've learned a lot along the way.  I wrote this article with loss of husband in mind, but much of it can be applied to any tremendous loss so I hope you can glean something from it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[AnnalisaMiniforever]

Thank you so much for your words and tips. Too often I receive advice that sound 'empty' or generic (did it happen to you?). Things like: think of the amazing time you got to spend with your dog, you did what was best for her etc. I know it might sound mean, but sometimes suggestions like these don't help me much.

I can relate very much to everything you said to me, and I appreciate you 'dared' to compare how you're feeling about your dog to what you felt and still feel about your beloved husband. Often dogs can love us in a very profound and almost unexplainable way. I miss that love. I miss the way she was always looking at me, often staring at me, following every single step of mine.

I miss all that. So much.

Today the vet sent me a card with a message of condolences and Mini's paw prints. I should probably feel good about it, instead it made me feel even sadder. That moment at the vet's was utter devastation for me.

Dogs are precious amazing beings, enjoy every single second with your dog, I'm sure he's just as special as you describe him.

Love

Anna

[KayC]

Dogs can be the greatest love of our lives and I find the joy I get with my dog is rated on top with the love I shared with my husband...not the same, of course, dogs can't share in our lives in quite the same way, but still, he's the love of my life now and what keeps me going.  I know that horrid time is going to come, it's been in the back of my mind ever since I adopted him, but we can't let that fear stop us from living and loving, it's just once you've suffered such tremendous loss you don't take life for granted anymore, you're very aware of the possibility of loss.

I'm glad the vet sent the card, at least you have her paw prints.  The only thing is, we're capable of seeing the difference between true caring and something done perfunctory.   Don't let it stop you from cherishing her paw prints though, there were hers.  I've lost many animals over the years and have never gotten their paw prints, I know they do that more nowadays.

Wishing you comfort in your days ahead as you try to adjust to this loss and what it means to you.

[Maria9]

Anna, I am so sorry for your Mini. The loss and the pain are huge, I understand, and so does everyone on this forum. We've all been through this. I will not lie to you, it will take time. I am still struggling with the loss of my kitty 2 months ago. It is very helpful to talk about it and express your feelings, either to understanding friends or a therapist, or both.

You can also talk to us here, as often as you like. We understand.

I wish you healing and peace.