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When I was 14 my grandmother died - we were very, very close and I was distraught.  When I was 17 my brother died in a motorcycle accident.  When I was 30 my dad died, leaving only me and my mum.  

My mum was (is) the most important person to me.  I genuinely feel like she was my soul.  She was more like a best friend than a mum.  She was my cheerleader and my confidante and my support system.  She was my remaining connection with my past; with my family; with my upbringing.  She was the most important and beautiful part of my life.  When I was a child I used to say to myself that I could cope with anything except losing my mum and that my only recourse when she died would be suicide.  For me it felt totally normal to accept this as a given, so strong was my bond with her.  My mum died two years ago, when I was 38, and I am still struggling.  I dream about her most nights.  I am envious of everyone else around me who has parents.  I feel anger that some people have both parents whereas all four members of my family have been taken from me.  I know it's wrong to feel like that but I do.  I have a fantastic partner but I am even envious of him, with two sisters, a brother, a niece, four nephews, both parents and loads of cousins.  I have nobody.  No one with my surname; no one who knew me as a child; no one who can reminisce about something that happened in the family years ago; no one who is 100% on my side whatever happens, even when I am in the wrong.  And it hurts.  And it makes me jealous.  

One of my friends was having boyfriend problems and I couldn't help but dismiss her.  To me it's not a real problem if the guy you are seeing messes you around.  Not when you still have your mum alive and well.  And I think I am angry at the world, and it's making me hate everyone and everything.  I argue with strangers on trains and tubes all the time and I think there's a connection with my feelings of how unfair it is that all my family has been ripped away from me.  I want to feel like I'm not alone in feeling this way.

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reader   

Dear Christianos,

I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know losing your mum is very hard. The hardest thing in the world any of us can go through. All your feelings are natural and normal given how much you have been through.

I know its not easy but have you considered talking to a counsellor or going to a support group. Please know you are not alone. On this forum you will find many that feel exactly the same way.

I also found these websites helpful in understanding my emotions. What's Your Grief and The Grief Healing Blog.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Athina   

@Christianos, you are not alone. One year in after my mother's death, I still feel so much anger. I lost my mom last october, at 35, and even though I have my dad and sister, I terribly miss her. I also find myself thinking how everybody around still have their both parents (even being over 50) and what insensitive comments they make, having no clue what it feels to go through this journey of grief. I don't expect this year to be any easier because my mom is still pretty much everywhere for me. Strangely, it's like I'm reliving last year now - all those firsts days of shock and raw pain.

I also used to think that I can handle anything but my mom's death. I don't know where this last year went and how I managed to survive. 

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Dear Christianos,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  All your losses.  Those of us who were very close to our mothers know how you feel because we feel the same.  Its like the world is different now.  Our place in the world feels different.  I can relate to your anger.  Also Athina about reliving the last year.  I do that too.  It swims around in my head all the time.  It alternates with pain of loss and just missing who she was as a person and our relationship then back to the last year of her life, the hospital, the family who I am estranged from.  I do believe that loosing a parent, a mother isn't the same for everyone.  People do say insensitive things.  I think its because they can't understand what it feels like.  They will only know when they loose the most important person in their life.  A friend of mine lost her mother over 2 yrs ago, she did not go through all this stuff.  She had a complicated and often difficult relationship with her mother.  i don't talk to her about my loss because I know she would not be able to understand or relate to what I'm going through and how lost I feel without her.  I'm sorry for you Christianos and Athina.  Life is hard and nothing replaces a mother.  

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Genna   

I lost my mom yesterday father and brother both two years ago. Nothing that I ever thought was pain or a problem in life before a fraction compares to the pain I feel that she's gone . I too always told myself the day she died I'd have to kill myself I can't live without her it's only been 24 hours and it feels like someone has taken the ground right out from underneath me and ripped my insides to shreds. I just saw her thursday Sunday I watched her die 

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Dear Genna,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  We all know the brutality of the day after, the week after and then the next month... The raw feeling of not being able to go on and how does one survive?   9 months after loosing my mom, I don't have the answers.  What i can say is keep getting up every day, getting dressed and eat and go through the motions until one day it feels a little different.  I don't say better but different.  So sorry for your loss Genna. 

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