Feeling lost

[Julie Fatato]

Hi , I am feeling lost? Numb? Not exactly sure I guess. On November 22, 2016 I lost my mom to cancer( uterine).  She was diagnosed in 2014 . She had surgery to remove uterus etc. she went through chemo and radiation treatments and was in remission . She was cancer free for almost a year and then she found a lump in her neck. She had a cat scan done and found tumors from her uterus all the way up to her neck in her lymph nodes. I'll never forget the day the dr told us. My body instantly felt hot and tingley. I knew in that moment I would lose my mom that was March 3, 2016. She was gone 8 months later. I was there for her until her last breath. I watched her go from the strongest woman I knew to someone who was so helpless. My mom was from Vietnam and had an unimaginable horrific childhood. She truly gave up her life and happiness to care for me and my brothers. I miss her and am angry she was taken from us so soon. My husband told me I should see a therapist for my grief but I don't really know what to say? I just miss her. I feel like a functional zombie if that makes sense. 

[tessa]

Hi Julie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean by "functional zombie". I am the same. It's a breed, a species of humans and those who have lost someone special like us form this breed
I loss my mother 3 months ago. Like your mother, my mother also gave up her life for us, her children. She sacrificed so much so we would be OK in life. She grew up in WWII so she knew poverty, hardship and wanted to make sure her children would not have to suffer like she did.
How I am handling it - firstly, I accepted that mum going was the right time. If she had stayed longer, she would have suffered. That gave me comfort knowing she wasn't in pain. Then I got busy but not too busy. I found activities to do that would take my mind off things. And lastly, I'm telling myself I have to hang out here for a couple/few decades more before I can go and join my parents.
That's how I keep going. It's doesn't make things better. There are good days and bad days. But it gets me through the days. I still miss my mum soooo badly but I have to keep going.

I also don't know what to say to a therapist. I went and saw a shrink. Shrink asked me what I wanted her to help me with. I never went back because I don't know how she can help. She can't bring my mother back so there's nothing else to talk about. Having said that, I hear many people have results with psychologist. I just don't know what I am supposed to say to them.

[reader]

Dear Julie,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know its hard. Losing a parent is a terrible shock and not something that anyone can easily come to terms with.

About seeing a therapist, I had the same thoughts. Different things work for different people. I think people suggest talking to a therapist because they are supposed to be a neutral person that will listen without any judgement about our sadness. I think friends, colleagues and family try to understand but sometimes they don't have the patience or even willingness to listen.

I had regrets and a lot of anger about what happened leading up to my father's passing. The therapist tried to help me do some role playing and also tried to give me another perspective about how to think.

I keep trying because even after one year, I feel so strange without my father in my life.

I also found these websites helpful in understanding my grief. What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog.

Take care and please know we are all here to listen. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.