Saturday

[Browneyedgirl29]

Yesterday was such a bad day. I thought of my brother a lot. That made me sad,  so in turn I became irritable. I stayed in my room all night after I got home. I argued with my husband over simple stuff. I was so "snappy". I had this overwhelming feeling of just numbness,  depression. I got up this morning wondering how it had gotten so bad last night. Then I hop on facebook to see my "DNA donor" had posted a link to a song for his mother who passed last year. "One Sweet Day" (Mariah Carrey and Boys II Men). It was the last of four songs played at my brothers funeral.

I'm going to church this morning. After arguing about it with my husband last night. I don't feel ready to take that step even though I've made the decision and began the process of trying to be better in my faith so I can see my brother again one day. I feel like he's pushing me. Then I also feel guilty for not wanting to go. Isn't that part of strengthening your relationship with God? (Going to church to worship and praise His name) It's what's expected eventually right? So why am I so against it? What harm could it do? 

The church is 15 minutes from the cemetery. I think I'll go talk to my brother after we leave. I feel like I'm gearing up for another bad day and it isn't even 8 am yet...  

[reader]

Dear Browneyegirl29,

I'm very sorry for your loss.  Please know that everything you are feeling and thinking is a normal part of grief. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. I know its hard on family members to understand and even dear friends, but you have to do what you feel is right for you. Be kind to yourself. Baby steps every day. The pain and sorrow is hard to work through. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.