Lost my best friend/husband

[Gonzalez08]

English is not my first language so please don't judge my grammar. 

I don't even know where to start I lost my husband on October 13 2017. In a car accident on his way to work. He was only 23yrs old and he was my soulmate my HS sweetheart. We started dating September 2008 and got married October 2013. I can't believe God would want me to be alone without my best friend my soulmate to raise our 2yr old son without his dad. It's just the ugliest pain this emptiness inside my heart that I will never get rid off. People say that time heals everything but everyday that passes by it just gets worst. I just have so many questions in my head and not one answer. He left that morning and it still feels unreal that I will never see him come through the door ever again. I feel so hopeless I just never thought I would experience something like this. My husband is gone and I will never get to hear, touch or talk to him EVER again it's just unbelievable sometimes I have to remind myself of this horrible tragedy. I just need support the only thing that makes me feel better is talking to other ppl that have experience a loss like this. I feel like I'm going crazy like i can't move on from this i don't understand how to keep going without my husband by my side. How can I live my life without my soulmate? My heart is broken into a million of pieces. I feel completely lost. 

[M88]

Gonzalez, I am so deeply sorry for yours and your son’s loss, hon.  I too lost the love of my life in a crash.  Nearly 22 months ago now, so I know well the complexities of sudden, traumatic grief and the agonizing pain of having kissed goodbye to your soul-mate in the morning - to being told of fatal injuries and the learning that he will never return home again.  

All here understand the emptiness and aloneness of having lost a much loved life partner/husband or wife.  Our minds, bodies and souls have taken a severe beating and I hope you will find the comfort, support and understanding here, that I have.  The pain of our loss binds us, and we do what we can to help each other survive another day.  

We don’t spout off empty platitudes to each other because we know how unhelpful they are.  We come to realize that it is human nature for well meaning people in our lives to say ‘something’ ‘anything’ in an attempt to console us, and sadly, it is the most ridiculous things said, that we remember the most.  Time ‘doesn’t’ heal everything, but in time, and with the right support and a bit of effort from ourselves, our loss eventually does get a little easier to bear.  One day we will look at rebuilding our lives, but for now we’re in survival mode. We need to be kind and gentle on ourselves, feel and express our pain and emotions, reflect on the life we shared with our beloveds, and not be rushed into anything.  

The best advice I can give is, to live just one hour or one day at a time.  Naturally, our thoughts are of what sort of future we can have without our soul-mates, but we can train our minds to live just in the moment, the hour, and eventually just the day. 

You may soon learn that there are particular times of the day that are much more difficult to endure, so if your friends and family don’t realize what these times are, don’t be afraid to tell them when these times are. Once my daughter went back to her home, I couldn’t have survived the following months without friends dropping in or spending hours on the phone with said daughter or friends, at the time when my hubby and I would normally be sitting having a beer and telling each other about our days.  I hope you too, are blessed in having supportive people around you.

Know you’re in my thoughts, hon.

Sending you strength, love and hugs.  XX 

[KayC]

Gonzalez,

I am so sorry for your loss...it's very soon into this journey and I remember at that point feeling very anxious.  (By the way, your english is perfect, I wish people who had it as their first language did so well with it.)

I wrote an article of what I've learned over the last 12 years since I lost my husband, and I hope you find something helpful in it, although some of it is may not be applicable to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KMB]

On 11/1/2017 at 11:45 PM, Gonzalez08 said:

English is not my first language so please don't judge my grammar. 

I don't even know where to start I lost my husband on October 13 2017. In a car accident on his way to work. He was only 23yrs old and he was my soulmate my HS sweetheart. We started dating September 2008 and got married October 2013. I can't believe God would want me to be alone without my best friend my soulmate to raise our 2yr old son without his dad. It's just the ugliest pain this emptiness inside my heart that I will never get rid off. People say that time heals everything but everyday that passes by it just gets worst. I just have so many questions in my head and not one answer. He left that morning and it still feels unreal that I will never see him come through the door ever again. I feel so hopeless I just never thought I would experience something like this. My husband is gone and I will never get to hear, touch or talk to him EVER again it's just unbelievable sometimes I have to remind myself of this horrible tragedy. I just need support the only thing that makes me feel better is talking to other ppl that have experience a loss like this. I feel like I'm going crazy like i can't move on from this i don't understand how to keep going without my husband by my side. How can I live my life without my soulmate? My heart is broken into a million of pieces. I feel completely lost. 

I am deeply sorry for your loss and having that reason for joining this unwanted club. You will find a great grief support family here. We understand and know your pain, all the conflicting emotions, the confusion, the loneliness, that others in our environment don't get. Feel free to express your feelings and thoughts, no matter what they are. We have experienced everything imaginable due to losing our soul mates.

Your loss is a very fresh, raw wound. When people say that time heals, or any of the usual platitudes, we don't believe it. Our minds and hearts took a traumatic blow and and there are no words that would adequately console us. We don't want to be consoled, we want what was taken from us. We are in complete numbness and shock in the beginning weeks and months. We go into denial, hoping to wake up from this nightmare. We have to deal with memorial arrangements, then the financials and legals. So much stuff, that we feel suffocated with the unfairness of it all. Yes, we do feel like we are going crazy. Our minds are in overload, trying to comprehend and process our loss. It takes a very long time to get out of the brain fog and form a clear thought about anything.

Take care of yourself.  Snack on healthy food ( I know that eating will not be easy) and stay hydrated. Our body needs the strength to help us cope, minute by minute, hour by hour. You need your strength to take care of your son. That beautiful boy who carries his dad's love and legacy in him. Your husband's gift to you is in your son and you have a part of him that will go on. He will be your reason and purpose for continuing on surviving.

Sending prayers for God's comfort, strength, love and eventual peace.

[Francine]

 

On 11/1/2017 at 11:45 PM, Gonzalez08 said:

He was only 23yrs old and he was my soulmate my HS sweetheart. We started dating September 2008 and got married October 2013. I can't believe God would want me to be alone without my best friend my soulmate to raise our 2yr old son without his dad. It's just the ugliest pain this emptiness inside my heart that I will never get rid off.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing.  Death in itself is so painful but when it happens to someone so young who had his whole life taken is simply crushing.  For me, losing my Charles was like losing part of me. My heart broke in a way I never thought it could - I thought I knew what it felt like to have my heart broken, but this was something else, it was like it cracked apart. It was like there was a glitch in the matrix - reality had suddenly shifted, in that the world looked the same, all the same people were there, but there was one really important one (to me) who had just disappeared from the universe. The intense desire to see him again was overwhelming, I would have done anything to have had him back just for 5 minutes, just to hold him in my arms again and to tell him how much I loved and missed him. I would have sacrificed everyone I knew, all my family and friends, just to have that; I would have sacrificed the entire world's population, the planet, the universe, just to have one last moment with him. For a while I wanted to die as well, just in case it meant I could see him again - and being a Christian,  I believe in God, faith and life after death, but the desire was so strong I would have done anything.  That passed, because I knew he would have wanted me to live as long as possible.  It is an ugly pain but in time it will lesson, perhaps be somewhat softer and you will become somewhat stronger and more aware. =

 

On 11/1/2017 at 11:45 PM, Gonzalez08 said:

People say that time heals everything but everyday that passes by it just gets worst. I just have so many questions in my head and not one answer.   I feel so hopeless I just never thought I would experience something like this. My husband is gone and I will never get to hear, touch or talk to him EVER again it's just unbelievable sometimes I have to remind myself of this horrible tragedy

People generally mean well and have good intentions, but that really don't know how you feel.  When my Charles made his transition, I got the same well wishers who told me that things were going to get better; and perhaps they will, but for now, nobody knows the real me; nobody knows how many times I've cried in my room when no one was watching;  nobody knows how many times I've lost hope, or how many times I feel I've been  let down.  Nobody knows how many times I felt like I was about to snap, but couldn't for the sake of others.  I think we've all thought and felt that way at some time or another.   Sometimes it feels as if your entire life is caving in on you and you don't want to exist any longer.  It's almost as if you just want to curl up in a ball and go into that place, between life and death and stay there until the hurt somehow goes away.  Will it go away, not completely; it may lessen over time, and some days you may feel better than others, but the pain will always be a part of you.

Being a young widow can be very isolating. You may feel like you are the only one going through this type of loss.   Society is not properly equipped to handle the grieving process, and you may feel awkward especially if many of your friends and family members have significant others and can’t relate to your experience.  For me, one-on-one grief counseling was great and is helping me through this grief.   In-person groups are very effective as well and will offer you a strong sense of community and belonging. Even if you are nervous about attending a group, try at least one or two meetings so that you know if the experience will be a good fit for you. You will quickly learn that you are not alone.

I pray that God gives you the Hope and Strength to get through this difficult time; Hope to know that you can and Strength to hold on until you do. Either way, with God on your side, there's no one better.   Keep your head held high and stand tall and proud; and know that the love you had will always be, Love never dies.

[Gonzalez08]

On 11/2/2017 at 2:34 AM, M88 said:

Gonzalez, I am so deeply sorry for yours and your son’s loss, hon.  I too lost the love of my life in a crash.  Nearly 22 months ago now, so I know well the complexities of sudden, traumatic grief and the agonizing pain of having kissed goodbye to your soul-mate in the morning - to being told of fatal injuries and the learning that he will never return home again.  

All here understand the emptiness and aloneness of having lost a much loved life partner/husband or wife.  Our minds, bodies and souls have taken a severe beating and I hope you will find the comfort, support and understanding here, that I have.  The pain of our loss binds us, and we do what we can to help each other survive another day.  

We don’t spout off empty platitudes to each other because we know how unhelpful they are.  We come to realize that it is human nature for well meaning people in our lives to say ‘something’ ‘anything’ in an attempt to console us, and sadly, it is the most ridiculous things said, that we remember the most.  Time ‘doesn’t’ heal everything, but in time, and with the right support and a bit of effort from ourselves, our loss eventually does get a little easier to bear.  One day we will look at rebuilding our lives, but for now we’re in survival mode. We need to be kind and gentle on ourselves, feel and express our pain and emotions, reflect on the life we shared with our beloveds, and not be rushed into anything.  

The best advice I can give is, to live just one hour or one day at a time.  Naturally, our thoughts are of what sort of future we can have without our soul-mates, but we can train our minds to live just in the moment, the hour, and eventually just the day. 

You may soon learn that there are particular times of the day that are much more difficult to endure, so if your friends and family don’t realize what these times are, don’t be afraid to tell them when these times are. Once my daughter went back to her home, I couldn’t have survived the following months without friends dropping in or spending hours on the phone with said daughter or friends, at the time when my hubby and I would normally be sitting having a beer and telling each other about our days.  I hope you too, are blessed in having supportive people around you.

Know you’re in my thoughts, hon.

Sending you strength, love and hugs.  XX 

Thank you for you're kind words. Reading this makes me feel like I'm not alone and that other people have lost someone special just the same way I did. I feel robbed my husband was everything that I would've ever wanted. We just had so many plans together. I feel like I do things and interact with people just because. Life just seems so meaningless without him.