Today is his birthday

[Lostwithoutmyhusband]

Today is my husbands birthday and it's one of the roughest days for me. I wanted to celebrate by going out and getting him a cake and having it with my children but I have just been so depressed today that I barely got out of bed. I just don't know what to do without him and it seems like everything around the house is starting to break on me and I just don't know what to do. I decided to do some laundry this evening and my dryer decided to quit on me. I have no family that can fix it for me and I don't have many friends at all. My husband was everything for me and its getting harder and harder everyday to live without him. I know I need to be strong for my kids but it is just so hard. They don't even want to talk about him and I need to talk about him. I just feel so lost and lonely anymore. We had some issues the last few years but we always worked through them, he was my rock and I just don't know what to do anymore. It will be 5 weeks on Tuesday since he left me and i just don't understand why he would leave me knowing I need him so much. I am not suicidal but I just don't want to live anymore.

[KayC]

Dryers are a very simple machine, not much to them, they're mostly air.  Ask your friends and neighbors if they know a good repairman, it will like be the minimal charge for their fee.  Everything my husband did I have either had to learn to do or more likely, hire it done.  I know how overwhelming it feels when everything decides to go wrong or quit on you, I've had a lot of that, but you just try your best to tackle things as they come.  I rarely spend money for anything fun anymore because I know a "rainy day" will come, it's a matter of when, so my $ is saved for when these things happen.  I, too, have no one to call on for help, my son is too far away and busy with his own family/life.  My daughter doesn't answer the phone to anyone and is wrapped up in her own woes.  My best friend moved several states away and my remaining friend turned out not to be one.  It is hard to remain upbeat when you're alone.  I work on making new friends, it's very slow go, but I keep working at it, we need people in our lives.  We need a support system.  Someone said to have a friend you must first be one.  I've always tried to practice that, but here I am, 65 and alone for the most part.  

Your husband's birthday.  Those days are hard to get through.  How we choose to do it is up to us.  I saw this too late to be of any help to you, but I want to post this link anyway, it's about any special day we have to get through when they're gone, it's hard.  Some choose rituals to help them through it, traditions.  Some choose to ignore the day, as if we can.  I've tried both.  There's no easy way, only whatever feels right to you, whatever seems "less hard" to you.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

I've released balloons, I've contemplated him, poured over pictures, cards (THAT'S hard!).  On Christmas I remember him with all the decorations, he had such a zest for life, buying him a new ornament (I bought him his first Christmas ornament, made him his one and only stocking), hang his stocking.  We write something to him and put it in the stocking.  Can take them out and burn them later, let the smoke carry the message to him.  Whatever you come up with, it's meaningful to you, and it'll be meaningful to him.

[Paluka]

Kay,

Thank you for posting the link. Lauri's birthday is on the 16th of November. I know it will be a difficult day so this gives me a little time to work on one or two of these.

 

[KMB]

14 hours ago, Lostwithoutmyhusband said:

Today is my husbands birthday and it's one of the roughest days for me. I wanted to celebrate by going out and getting him a cake and having it with my children but I have just been so depressed today that I barely got out of bed. I just don't know what to do without him and it seems like everything around the house is starting to break on me and I just don't know what to do. I decided to do some laundry this evening and my dryer decided to quit on me. I have no family that can fix it for me and I don't have many friends at all. My husband was everything for me and its getting harder and harder everyday to live without him. I know I need to be strong for my kids but it is just so hard. They don't even want to talk about him and I need to talk about him. I just feel so lost and lonely anymore. We had some issues the last few years but we always worked through them, he was my rock and I just don't know what to do anymore. It will be 5 weeks on Tuesday since he left me and i just don't understand why he would leave me knowing I need him so much. I am not suicidal but I just don't want to live anymore.

I know how you are feeling. The special days, those "firsts" without them, are the worst to get through. For my husband's birthday, I decided to make his favorite steak meal. I sat at the table, lit a candle, talked to him and wished him a happy birthday and ate his steak for him. It wasn't easy. I didn't really feel like eating but, I did it for my husband. For our anniversary, I took a huge step out of my comfort zone, the sanctuary of our home, and went for the first time to the restaurant we frequented. I felt my husband's presence with me and silently carried on a conversation in my head with him. The whole day I felt very calm, like he had wrapped a blanket of love around me to help me cope.

Whether we do anything or not on those special days, is completely up to us.

You don't really need to be strong for your kids. Yes, you are their role model and taking on the extra parenting role for their dad, but you are also human, with emotions.  I don't know their ages, but maybe you could have a chat with them. Tell them how you are feeling. Tell them what you need and that you need to talk about their dad. They need to know and understand that it is okay to cry, to vent, to remember their dad. I know that kids are resilient and they can seem to take loss better than adults, but they need to know it is okay to express grieving in a healthy way.

Oh gosh, I know what it is like having to deal with things breaking down around the house or even with vehicles. Even the slightest thing can have you falling apart and feeling overwhelmed. I had a breakdown with the pickup right in the driveway 3 weeks after my husband was gone. I had issues with the furnace last winter. I am basically alone here and it took a lot of inner strength, gritting my teeth, to make decisions with handling things. So many times I would cry and scream to God that I have had enough of this alone stuff. But, I am still here and adjusting to taking things as they come and dealing with it. We learn so many lessons with this grieving and missing our partners. All I want is to hurry up through this life so I can be reunited with my husband. For the most part, that is my only consolation. But the waiting is so darn hard and the days and nights seem to last forever.

[Francine]

21 hours ago, Lostwithoutmyhusband said:

Today is my husbands birthday and it's one of the roughest days for me. I wanted to celebrate by going out and getting him a cake and having it with my children but I have just been so depressed today that I barely got out of bed. I just don't know what to do without him and it seems like everything around the house is starting to break on me and I just don't know what to do. I decided to do some laundry this evening and my dryer decided to quit on me. I have no family that can fix it for me and I don't have many friends at all. My husband was everything for me and its getting harder and harder everyday to live without him. I know I need to be strong for my kids but it is just so hard. They don't even want to talk about him and I need to talk about him. I just feel so lost and lonely anymore. We had some issues the last few years but we always worked through them, he was my rock and I just don't know what to do anymore. It will be 5 weeks on Tuesday since he left me and i just don't understand why he would leave me knowing I need him so much. I am not suicidal but I just don't want to live anymore.

I am so sorry or your loss; birthdays can be very difficult - especially when it's the your first solo one without him.   On my Charles' first birthday without him, I thought it would be one of the worse moments of my life, but it wasn't as bad as I had expected; especially  with my children and grandchildren - they made it worthwhile and memorable for me; thank God for them. 

I was like you - my Charles was my whole life and now that he is gone, I truly know the meaning of loneliness and heartache.  He was my source of comfort, love, joy, companionship, my best friend and confidant.  He was the man I could rely on for anything and everything and losing him was the worst part of my life and when the depths of pain is that deep, the human mind can only come to accept the harsh reality, gradually.   When my Charles made his transition, a light went out of my life that never came back and I didn't ever expect it to.  Dark shadows were everywhere and that light, was permanately out (as far as I was concern).  Because of my faith in God, I know that HE is the light, the truth and the way. The idea of grieving and pain is so overwhelming, that most of the time we forget that God is a loving God and HE will never leave us hanging. HE never promised that life would be easy; he promised that HE will never leave us nor forsake us.

While you think you need to be strong for the kids (and perhaps you do), you must first be strong for yourself first and that means grieving your husband.  Nothing will ever be the same again and it is alright to grieve and ask questions.  Don't be afraid to be honest about how you feel even if others don't understand; don't be afraid to be honest about what you can and will do; even if others are disappointed; don't be afraid to be honest about what you think even if others disagree.  Your heart is broken because you can't understand why someone so precious had to die; all of our hearts are.    I was there - I didn't want to live without my Charles, but I know that he would not have wanted me to feel and think this way; he would have wanted me to live the rest of my life. What we had will always be, no one or nothing can ever take that way and when we meet again (and we will meet again) we will never have to worry about parting again. It will be for all eternity.  

I'm sorry anyone has to be on this website but know we are here not by fluke, coincidence or luck, but by God's Will.  We don't have all the answers to give you but we will listen and be there for you.  We will share in your sorrow and pain because we're right along with you.  We will get though it someday, somehow, but until then we're here.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, KMB said:

All I want is to hurry up through this life so I can be reunited with my husband.

Oh boy, do I know that!  I still feel it, even though I've tried to build a life I can live.  I have things I'm involved with, interact with plenty of people, activities, but I'm always alone every evening, every night, every morning, and that gets old.  I want my husband back.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Paluka said:

Kay,

Thank you for posting the link. Lauri's birthday is on the 16th of November. I know it will be a difficult day so this gives me a little time to work on one or two of these.

 

I'm glad it's of help to you.  The special days we can plan for, but those things that hit unbidden are hard.  I remember I'd bought some cornish game hens for George and I to eat...he'd never had one.  Well he never did.  My daughter and I ate them after he died, it was hard to get through thinking about him with each bite.  And he loved sharp cheddar, so I'd bought him some extra sharp to try...he never got to.  Groceries became a hard thing to deal with after he died because he loved getting groceries with me and he loved food!  He was literally hungry growing up so food meant so much to him.  Oddly enough, he wasn't an ounce overweight, he was built perfectly, big strong chest and arms, small waist, who'd think his heart would give out!