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My Brother


Browneyedgirl29

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Browneyedgirl29

I got a phone call that changed my life a little over a month ago. At 10:05 pm September 16, two days after my 29th birthday. After that phone call I rushed to my brothers home 20 minutes away to hear the news that no one would tell me over the phone. Moments later,  I collapsed into my mom's waiting arms. My brother was gone. Car accident. Three miles from home. I cried every night at first. To the point of exhaustion. 27 years of memories were all I had left. We weren't as close as we once were. Both of us grew and started families of our own. Guilt plagued me. I'm the oldest,  I should've gone first. He left behind a wife and a daughter and a baby on the way. (She'll now have his middle name as well as his last.) Lately,  I've been in a rut. I feel like I just disconnect from the world at home. I listen to sad songs sometimes after my kids and my husband lay down for the night; songs that were played at his funeral. And I cry. I can't seem to get myself "unstuck", even though I know he would want us all to move on. I think about him all the time. Not a day goes by. I tell my family we have to be strong and we have to go on,  but I myself am struggling. I am literally at a loss of how to take my life back. I know it takes time,  but I'm so tired of hurting. 

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I'm really sorry to hear your brother has died. It's not fair. Especially leaving behind a family and little kid with another coming. You won't be able to do much but cry and think about it all the time. If it was little more than a month ago I hate to say it but you have a long way to go before it gets better. Sorry I'm not coming off as very helpful or supportive but I don't really know how to do those things without sounding almost patronising. I hope you find some comfort in your husband and children and just take each day as it comes. 

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Browneyedgirl29

Zain_robson, thank you and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I understand what you mean about religion. I've always believed in God,  but I don't consider myself a big religious person. I have yet to be angry with Him; all I do is ask "Why?". I like to think either he needed him,  or that he spared him a life of misery due to the injury that caused his death. (My brother was so full of life and always on the go. Always working;  I've never seen a person willingly work 6-7 days a week that didn't need to.) I haven't started going to church just yet,  or even praying every night. But this event started the process for me. 

I also live like he sees everything. I speak to him in my mind all the time when something reminds me of him. Especially his three year old "mini-him". We're (my family) all doing that right now. Oh that was his favorite show. That was his favorite color. Oh,  he loved skulls and he would think that's so cool.

I'll never celebrate my birthday again. I know its stupid,  because I'm in the last year of my 20's,  birthdays aren't a big deal for me anymore,  and he wouldn't want that but I just can't. I last saw him two days before my birthday,  and two days after he was gone, and one week after,  we put him in the ground. I have a constant reminder for the rest of my life. 

Again. I'm very sorry for your loss. I won't say I feel your pain or I know exactly how you feel. Because each person grieves differently. Each person bonds with another person differently. But I hope your pain becomes "tolerable" eventually. 

 

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Browneyedgirl29

@atreehouse, I get what you're saying about sounding patronizing. I feel that way sometimes too. Especially when I'm telling my family "we've got to be strong" and "he would want us to move on", when I myself can't even figure out how to even get back to some sort of "normal". One day at a time for now, I guess. Thank you for replying. My main reason for doing this thing was to talk out some feelings and hopefully get some feedback from people who might be in a similar situation. My "step one" so to speak. 

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