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9 months later

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9 months later the pain feels just as bad.  Each day feels like I'm in a war with myself. No one knows about my inner war.  No one actually asks anyway.

Today something unexpected happened.  I got an email from someone I hadn't heard from for 2 yrs.  Not a close friend.  she said hey, it's been forever, how are you? Are you in town?  I'm going to call you for a catch up.  I felt filled with dread.  So much has happened in those 2 yrs.  my mothers illness, painful family betrayals while my mother declined then her death.  The past 6 months I've basically hidden away as I try to come to terms with loosing my mother that I loved so much.  Trying to process the past, my memories and now what the next chapter in my life is?   All of this while avoiding and distracting being my 2 favorite coping mechanisms.

Then my phone rang.  It was the friend who emailed.  I panicked and let it go into voicemail.  I listened to the message.  A friendly message of how are you? It's been ages, let's catch up want to know how you are?  how's your mom?    I broke down and sobbed.  I can't say out loud the words, my mom died.  I can't explain what has happened in the past 2 yrs.  I can't explain I'm in a war with myself on a daily basis and i don't know when I will come through the war.  I also know no one wants to hear that.  I know that with the utmost certainty that people, even friends don't want to hear that.  It makes them uncomfortable.  So I don't say anything.  So now I'm in this position where I can't do the usual answer to how are you?  I can't say, ok.  Because she doesn't know what's happened and she's asked how my mom is?

Its very hard being in this place 9 months later.  I know some of you are in this place years later.  Some of you have gone through the war and some of you are in the early stages of the war.  Grief is not what I thought it would be.  I thought it would be sad.  It's so much more than sadness though.  So much more.

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Dear sadandlost,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with everyone here. I know its hard. Grief has so many ups and downs.

When you are ready, give this friend a chance. She might be able to give you some support. In these difficult times, I'm sure she will understand.

I see your kindness in supporting others here on this forum. I know everything is easier said than done, but I hope you will also show yourself some kindness as well. Don't be afraid to share your true feelings with others. I know we all feel the need to put on a mask, but in reality people cannot support us if they don't know. Give them a chance.

For myself, I felt I was turning a corner but at 12 months, I still have my grief attacks.

Take care of yourself the best you can. Sending you hugs.

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Hi sadandlost. Per what Reader said. She could be the friend that's been sent by the universe to help you along. Or she may be contacting you because she herself is seeking help. We don't know. But it is an opportunity to chat to someone instead of those thoughts going round 'n round in our heads.

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Dear reader,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  I have responded to her via email.  She sent a nice reply back.  She wasn't a close friend before, someone I worked with briefly and in touch randomly so it was unexpected after 2 yrs.  I appreciated her response though but I don't think she would be someone that I would be talking to in depth about it.  She is a busy person, family etc..  Thank you also Tessa.

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