I just lost my mum, my best fri be.

[Sazza85]

I don’t know what to do! 

My mums suffered a lot in her 62 years and more so over the last 9. She had diabetes and all the complications to go with it, sleep apnea, 4th stage CKD, rheumatoid arthritis, 3 years ago she had respiratory failure which she bounced back from, she said she saw her mum and she said that it wasn’t her time, then a month and a bit later she had sepsis.

she had been perfectly good ever since. Her kidney function had improved as good as it could for 4th stage, just the rheumatoid arthritis that had the odd flare up due to the difficulties of treating it due to kidneys. 

She’d been suffering from back pain which got so bad on Thursday that a family friend was worried and called for an ambulance (she had called them as she didn’t want to worry me or my dad) all of her obs where fine! We just thought it was sciatica as that’s how it manifested. 

Doctor prescribed her oramorph on Thursday and upped her steroids on Friday for the RA as her left arm was painful. 

She had gone a bit funny on the oramorph and she woke up Saturday and was talking to my dad and asking if I was in the kitchen doing her her breakfast and making her a cuppa. My dad said no it was too early, she also thought I was going round at 8:30 to do her breakfast, although she was obviously confused as she knew I had something on this morning. 

Well I tried calling her, mobile straight to answer phone and house phone just kept ringing. After 30 mins I decided to drive round to hers expecting to go in and find her snoring her head off like she normally does and is in such a deep sleep, or to find her better and to find her in the shower as her and my dad was going to a concert that night. 

Well I walked in at 11:55, breakfast on the side, her room in darkness with no TV on, which was strange. Found her slumped on the bed (she must have been sat up) her head hanging off the edge. 

She was cold, blue and it was horrible! 

Ive lost my best friend and I don’t know how or why! I tried chest compressions but I knew it was too late....

she was declared deceased at 12:08 

Her Apple Watch took her last pulse at 9:14

but I just can’t get my head around it and all the what ifs are eating me alive. Now I’m angry I didn’t get to say goodbye or anything. 

Life is so cruel to the ones that don’t deserve it. 

I was an only child, I was her world and she was mine. 

I honestly don’t know what to do and I cannot get the image of how I found her out of my head. 

To anyone reading this. Thank you! I just needed to write this all down! 

[tessa]

Hi Sazza, I'm so sorry for your lost. I lost my mother 3 months ago and I still miss her badly.
I too have that last image of my mother in my head. I saw her the moment she died. I also have the last image of my father. He died 4 years ago.
The image will subside. I still see it but it is getting less and less often as time goes by and as I keep remembering the good times.

[24601mom]

I lost my mum nine months ago. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and am wishing you well. Those first few weeks and months are brutal, felt like a hot jagged knife was being plunged into my heart, couldn’t breath sometimes. the counsellor at the cancer agency taught me to sit with my feet firmly planted on the group, take deep slow breaths and remind myself out loud that my feet were connected to the earth. It helped during those hard sobbing moments. I wish I had words that could take it all away  but there aren’t any. Just know that others are working their way through it and you will as well. The pain and trauma is so raw but try to be as kind to yourself as possible. Find moments to distract yourself, I had stupid sitcoms in the background constantly running on the tv. It will get easier. Take care 

[sadandlost]

Dear Sazza85,

 I m so sorry for your loss.  I understand how you feel.  The shock, disbelief, it's very hard to absorb.  I'm so sorry you were the one to find her and have that devastating memory and flash back.  That's very painful.

I think it's so hard for all of us to grasp loosing our mothers.  They've been there our whole lives up until that moment till they go.  Then it's like they've just disappeared? It's so very hard to fully grasp it.

I lost my mother 9 months ago.  The first 3 months were so raw.  9 months later it is still very painful.  In some ways it's worse because after the shock wears off, I felt like, ok this is forever now, she's not coming back.  That realization is worse that the raw shock for me.  I too was very close to my mother.  I don't have a family of my own, she was my family.  There is no one now.  I feel lost in the world without her.  It's like my roots have been cut off.  So i understand how you feel.  Like 24601mo  I too distract myself with endless tv so I don't have to feel it so fully 24-7.  It's very hard.  It will be for a long time.  Everyone says things get easier in time so it must.

Im so sorry for your loss.  Please know we are all here because we are struggling and trying to support each other.  We're listening.

 

[reader]

Dear Sazza,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is unbearable. It is a terrible shock.

Try to be with family and friends during this difficult time. Be kind to yourself. It will take a long time to work through all your thoughts and feelings at this very difficult loss.

Sending you all my love and hugs.

[Sazza85]

An update. Her doctor refused to sign the death certificate so an autopsy/post-mortem has now been executed so we will hopefully know the cause of her sudden death around Thursday/Friday. 

I called the funeral directors today to try and start arranging things so we can get her laid to rest as soon as possible. 

I hope so much that finding out the cause of death will ease my pain and the guilt that is slowly consuming me. 

I thought it would be so hard going back to the house, it hurts when I pull up, hands ache, heart goes fast but as soon as I’m there I always look around and then start talking to myself and to her. It feels comforting, it’s very strange 

I’m going from extreme sadness to extreme happiness, even tho we didn’t do much together in person as we used to, every time I got in the car I called her, ALWAYS messaging her, when I was at home cooking, I’d call her, even on my honeymoon I called her or messages her virtually every day to make sure she was ok. 

The anger has started to come in, she had so many plans, we had so many plans! How, why? She lost her mum at 31, why would me being 32 make it any different? She had me to focus on after her mum, I’m trying for a baby and failing miserably. She was going to be by my side going through fertility treatment in the New Year if me and the hubby hadn’t conceived naturally. 

I NEED her, I need her more than ever! I have no one I can truely talk to, a conversation between mother and daughter is different to a conversation between husband and wife. I could tell my mum EVERYTHING and by everything I really mean it. We had been so open and honest with each other. 

Why did she leave me? What did I do wrong? What did I miss? Could I have helped her if I was there like she believed I was going to be! 

I hate these feelings so much.... 

[sadandlost]

Dear Sazza85,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  "why did she leave me?"  brought tears to my eyes reading that.  I think whatever age we are as an adult, loosing our mothers makes us feel like small children again, unable to cope in the world.  I never expected that until it happened to me.

I think the range of emotions of extreme sadness and then happiness are just our minds going crazy trying to fathom what has happened.  When I arrived at my mothers house to pack up her clothes and her belongings, staying there for 10 days alone in her house, it was both painful and comforting.  Being in her house felt normal and I felt close to her, talking out loud to her as you do.  I was reporting everything to her and like I was in conversation with her.  When I left though it was the acknowledgement I would never come back to her house again.  Never walk down that street again, never be in her neighbourhood ever again and that was very tough.  The forever aspect is still hard for me to grasp 9 months later.

I understand your anger of everything you will miss in your life without her.  All the big moments, the struggles and joys.  I understand that.  There are no words for that.  We all know it, we all feel it.

I very much hope the post mortem brings answers.  So at least one aspect of it can be understood.  Please try not to pin too much on the result though.  I say this because even when you know, it won't change anything.  Your loss will be filled with as much pain as it was before for all the other reasons.  I know you hate all these feelings, I get that, I really do.  Sometimes I think, hello grief you bastard, who is going to win this war today?  You or me?  

[Sazza85]

So today my dad was informed of the results, earlier than expected. 

Apparently she has an enlarged heart, she wasn’t getting the oxygen required and she just slipped away, wouldn’t have even been aware of it according to the coroner. 

Earlier I was so happy and relieved. Now I just have so many questions - I may call the coroner myself tomorrow. 

[FatiRose]

Dear  Sazza I too lost my mother . Next week on the 23rd it will be three months.  My mother and I had an incredible relationship.  We were best friends.  I admired her so much!!  What a great example she was to me..... a role model..... I know exactly how you are feeling.  Unlike you I am not married.... never had children.... I am an only child..... my extended family is very small.  If it weren't for my good friends ( and some are like family)  I don't know where I would be.  It's my strong faith in God that keeps me sain and calm.  I tried to join a bereavement support group but because of the times they meet I'm not able to attend.  I've taken it as sign from God.... maybe right now is not the time for me to go..... I might need it more later on.  My 90 year old father lives with me.  It's so difficult to not see her.  I visit her grave every week and I'm constantly thinking of how to decorate it to keep it pretty and cheerful.  I have to start looking into purchasing the head stone for the grave.  When I see myself involved in all this it feels like I've entered a dream.  I'm able to get things done and accomplish the tasks at hand but then in one moment it hits me ...... she's not here..... she's not coming back and all I can think is I can't wait to see her again.