Members Jeba Posted October 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2017 Hi, english is not my first language so I am sorry for any grammatical errors. my boyfriend passed away two weeks ago from a seizure in his sleep, I was not with him since we are currently doing long distance. We had been together for almost 5 years and he was going to propose this upcoming December, we were to get married in May. I am utterly lost without him. Seven and a half years ago my sister passed away when she was 19 and I 17. She was my best friend and the only person on this earth I trusted. I managed to live with the grief, and knew she wanted to me live my life to the fullest. two and a half years after her death I went to america to go to college and live out my dream. I met my wonderful boyfriend freshman year in college. He has helped me through the grieving process of my sister, helped me get over my eating disorder, and helped me learn to love and trust again. He was the only person I could talk to, cry to, and be myself around. I knew not to take life for granted, but statistically speaking I couldn't think it was very common to lose the person you love the most twice, specially not since I am only 25 years old. But it happened. I don't know what to do or think. I am really struggling with my faith in god. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I would never kill myself but life just seems hopeless when everyone I have ever truly loved, and anyone who has truly known me dies. How do you even move forward after something like this? I have friends and family to support me but I am not much of a talker. I still have not really cried since he died except when I got the call and at his funeral. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I feel like a zombie walking around. I can't stop thinking about the wedding we had planned, our future together, our children that will never exist. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would like som advice. I already know about grief. that it never leaves us from my sisters death. but I don't know if I am strong enough to go through with something like this a second time. Specially when I am truly struggling with my faith in god. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted October 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2017 Jeba, I am so sorry to hear about your losses. Being supported by your lovely boyfriend for the loss of your sister, only then to have your boyfriend taken away from you is absolutely horrifying. I am so sorry about the successive losses. You mentioned that you are utterly lost without your boyfriend. All of us, are just like you. We are all "lost" when our loved one was taken away from us. Being lost is going to be the initial grief and it is probaby going to be one of the thickest layer of grief to overcome. You talked about how you are tired can't get any sleep, and you're not having much of an appetite. Do know that you will have to find whatever way you can to eat, and get proper rest (see a doctor maybe?). Without food and rest, the rest of your grief journey will be very hard to tackle -- it is already very very very hard on its own. It is normal to think about all of the things you have lost. Since your lost is so fresh, things are really intense right now and you will soon develop more feelings and emotions as the weeks go on. Since you are a student, is there a counselor you can see at school? I think you should seek therapy or find a support group. I know reaching out to your friends will be difficult. They can help you, socially. But in terms of processing your grief, you will need to rely on those who have gone through it in the past, or a professional grief counselor. Be kind to yourself and get some food and rest. Those 2 things are an absolute must to start this painful journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 26, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2017 Jeba, You have made a good first step in reaching out on the forum here. Only those of us who have suffered loss of our loved one, truly understand your pain and what you are going through. I am deeply sorry for your loss of your boyfriend and the previous loss of you sister.Both of them traumatic and heart breaking. It is normal when hit with loss to question our faith. We want to know the "whys" and the answers. I know it is a struggle to keep our faith when we feel that God abandoned us. But He did not. He knows and feels your pain and your confusion. God is still with you. He will be giving you comfort, strength and love on this grief road. It is a time we have to blindly trust in Him. Take care of yourself. You still matter. You still have a purpose here, even though you won't see that for a long while. When our life is met with challenges, it is meant to make us stronger and learn lessons. Sending prayers for continued strength, love and comfort to you--------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeba Posted October 27, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2017 Thank you both for your replies, it is comforting to know there are other people out there who understands what I am going through. Maybe my appetite will come back once I start feeling anything. right now feeling hungry is the only thing that I can feel, it makes me feel human. Maybe I am crazy for holding on to hunger for that reason. I have tried to find a support group but all I can find where I live are for widows and since we weren't married yet I don't think I would be allowed to go. I am grateful for this forum, at least I have someone to talk to. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 27, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 27, 2017 23 hours ago, Jeba said: Hi, english is not my first language so I am sorry for any grammatical errors. my boyfriend passed away two weeks ago from a seizure in his sleep, I was not with him since we are currently doing long distance. We had been together for almost 5 years and he was going to propose this upcoming December, we were to get married in May. I am utterly lost without him. Seven and a half years ago my sister passed away when she was 19 and I 17. She was my best friend and the only person on this earth I trusted. I managed to live with the grief, and knew she wanted to me live my life to the fullest. two and a half years after her death I went to america to go to college and live out my dream. I met my wonderful boyfriend freshman year in college. He has helped me through the grieving process of my sister, helped me get over my eating disorder, and helped me learn to love and trust again. He was the only person I could talk to, cry to, and be myself around. I knew not to take life for granted, but statistically speaking I couldn't think it was very common to lose the person you love the most twice, specially not since I am only 25 years old. But it happened. I don't know what to do or think. I am really struggling with my faith in god. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I would never kill myself but life just seems hopeless when everyone I have ever truly loved, and anyone who has truly known me dies. How do you even move forward after something like this? I have friends and family to support me but I am not much of a talker. I still have not really cried since he died except when I got the call and at his funeral. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I feel like a zombie walking around. I can't stop thinking about the wedding we had planned, our future together, our children that will never exist. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would like som advice. I already know about grief. that it never leaves us from my sisters death. but I don't know if I am strong enough to go through with something like this a second time. Specially when I am truly struggling with my faith in god. I'm so sorry, it has to be truly hard. I hope you are seeing a grief counselor. It is common to have your faith shaken when going through grief, try not to worry unduly about it, you'll be okay with it in time, it's just grief has a way of shaking us to the core and questioning everything...that's normal. It'd be good if you'd see a doctor since you're having trouble sleeping, eating, you can't continue like that optimally and you need all the help you can get. You're right that grief doesn't go away, but it also doesn't stay in the same intensity, it evolves as we process their death and it can take much time to do that. I don't think grief asks us if we're strong enough, it just hits us...none of us feels strong enough. We get through this one day at a time, try not to take on more than that, living in the moment is enough for us. Know that God is able to carry you even when you are struggling with your faith...perhaps especially when you are struggling. I'm glad you have good support in your family and friends. Sometimes it's not what we say, but just being there together that helps most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 27, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 27, 2017 1 hour ago, Jeba said: Thank you both for your replies, it is comforting to know there are other people out there who understands what I am going through. Maybe my appetite will come back once I start feeling anything. right now feeling hungry is the only thing that I can feel, it makes me feel human. Maybe I am crazy for holding on to hunger for that reason. I have tried to find a support group but all I can find where I live are for widows and since we weren't married yet I don't think I would be allowed to go. I am grateful for this forum, at least I have someone to talk to. Thank you again. Most support groups that define for "widows" are speaking of the relationship (rather than children, pets, etc.) but I would think they'd take anyone whose loss is a significant other, many people don't get to make it to marriage. Try them out or call the person in charge to make sure. I'm sure the group would welcome you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2017 2 hours ago, Jeba said: I have tried to find a support group but all I can find where I live are for widows and since we weren't married yet I don't think I would be allowed to go. I agree with KayC. Support groups are generally "open" groups. I don't feel you would be excluded just because you were not officially married yet. Your loved one was your significant other in every way that matters. I would go to the support group and give it a try. It does help being with others who understand loss. I know you don't have an appetite, but please, you need to eat something. Anything light, like soup is a start. I had no appetite either for a long while. But, I did let someone convince me to buy some Boost. Liquid nourishment. Later on, I also included bananas and yogurt. Our body needs its strength to help us cope. I also found out the hard way for myself, that going hungry for too long, had a way of intensifying the emotions, which were already unbearable and caused me to have really dark thoughts. Going hungry made grieving a million times worse, if that is possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted October 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2017 1 hour ago, KayC said: I don't think grief asks us if we're strong enough, it just hits us...none of us feels strong enough. We get through this one day at a time, try not to take on more than that, living in the moment is enough for us. This hits home for me. Living in the moment is what we need to do. I know when we have a wave of grief, all we need to do is breath and try to survive. Doing what we need to do to get through those moments, whether they are hours or days, is all that it matters. It's difficult to understand while we are grieving heavily, but try not to think about the future at all. It's not important at this time. As we all have experienced now, the future doesn't matter. Life will throw surprises at you at every corner. The only thing important is to take good care of yourself so you can make it through "the moment." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted October 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2017 KayC and KMB is correct. For the most part, I think the "widow/widowers" name is used loosely. They are more "partner loss" groups. You should still look into it. In these situations, I tell myself that I have nothing to loose (I've already lost the love of my life -- There's nothing out there that can cause me more pain). And I'm not trying to make it sound bad... but my point is that we're going to get a lot stronger from this. After going through this type of life experience, there will be little out there that will shake us up again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Cucciola Posted October 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2017 Jeba, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my future husband four months ago. We never got even to the proposal, even though he had for me his late mom's ring. It doesn't make any sense, I get you, to lose the person you love so much, sometimes I don't believed it really happened . I cant accept that. The only thing you can do in the meanwhile of this terrible journey is to try to make small steps, first step eat a snack, then a meal, then whatever is so hard to do, for me it was take the pan out and cook a stupid omelette only for myself for example. small steps. Your mind is probably blowing right now, don't be afraid to let it rest from time to time. I can relate so deeply to not being married and feel "not-entitled" to the name widow, or to be a part of widows group. It is not fair. Life is not fair. I never have been called wife, and now I'm so eager to be called widow... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 28, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 28, 2017 22 hours ago, Azipod said: we're going to get a lot stronger from this. After going through this type of life experience, there will be little out there that will shake us up again. Very true! We all have these reference points we draw from in our lives. I remember when my kids' dad and I divorced after being married 23 years. It was hell. I live in a small town and tongues were wagging...not knowing anything didn't slow them down any. I remember looking in the mirror every morning and telling myself, "It won't be like this forever". It wasn't. In the years to come I could tell myself, "Well you got through that point in time, you will this." That is until I lost George. I didn't know with any certainty "It won't be like this forever". What I have learned since is that it is not like the horrid intense beginning forever, but the missing them does go on forever. We feel our loss each and every day of our lives. But I've also learned that we can have small joys in our lives, even alongside our grief that we carry inside of us. But we have to look for them, acknowledge and embrace them. It's easy not to notice any good when we're overcome with grief, it takes concerted effort to find it. And you are so right. I can't imagine anything shaking me up like this again...unless it'd be loss of one of my children or grandchildren. I just don't think I could take any more. I know I'll have to deal with loss of my dog and cat one day, and I dread it...I'm very attached, largely because of my dogs particular personality being so perfect for what I need, and partly because being alone I have such need of him. My cat, being 21, has given me hope that there IS eternal life! She's amazing, she still gets around really well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 28, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 28, 2017 5 hours ago, Cucciola said: Jeba, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my future husband four months ago. We never got even to the proposal, even though he had for me his late mom's ring. It doesn't make any sense, I get you, to lose the person you love so much, sometimes I don't believed it really happened . I cant accept that. The only thing you can do in the meanwhile of this terrible journey is to try to make small steps, first step eat a snack, then a meal, then whatever is so hard to do, for me it was take the pan out and cook a stupid omelette only for myself for example. small steps. Your mind is probably blowing right now, don't be afraid to let it rest from time to time. I can relate so deeply to not being married and feel "not-entitled" to the name widow, or to be a part of widows group. It is not fair. Life is not fair. I never have been called wife, and now I'm so eager to be called widow... You're right, taking that step to get something nourishing into you is important. I've found smoothies helpful when you don't feel like eating. One I make has all of the food groups: yogurt, orange juice, strawberries, spinach, granola, bananas, protein powder. Another I make is a good way to get greens in: Kale, celery, bananas, applesauce, rhubarb or lemon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 28, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 28, 2017 23 hours ago, KMB said: I also found out the hard way for myself, that going hungry for too long, had a way of intensifying the emotions, which were already unbearable and caused me to have really dark thoughts. Going hungry made grieving a million times worse, if that is possible. Very true! We may not feel like eating, but it's so important to hydrate and eat something healthy. Taking walks is good too. Anything we can do to help our brain function and raising our endorphins! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted October 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 30, 2017 On 10/28/2017 at 3:09 AM, Cucciola said: Jeba, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my future husband four months ago. We never got even to the proposal, even though he had for me his late mom's ring. It doesn't make any sense, I get you, to lose the person you love so much, sometimes I don't believed it really happened . I cant accept that. The only thing you can do in the meanwhile of this terrible journey is to try to make small steps, first step eat a snack, then a meal, then whatever is so hard to do, for me it was take the pan out and cook a stupid omelette only for myself for example. small steps. Your mind is probably blowing right now, don't be afraid to let it rest from time to time. I can relate so deeply to not being married and feel "not-entitled" to the name widow, or to be a part of widows group. It is not fair. Life is not fair. I never have been called wife, and now I'm so eager to be called widow... Cucciola -- You are so correct in pointing out the "small steps." There is no way we can leap back to the "prior life" and do things as if nothing has happened. Your advice of using small steps will be helpful for all of us. Small steps could simply mean returning back to work, half days. Or for some, going back to the gym, but making it a short (or very short) workout to start. It could also mean to start cooking, abeit something simple. We need to be kind to ourselves. Keep things simple, short, and easy. Small steps it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted October 31, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 31, 2017 On 10/26/2017 at 11:11 AM, Jeba said: How do you even move forward after something like this? I have friends and family to support me but I am not much of a talker. I still have not really cried since he died except when I got the call and at his funeral. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I feel like a zombie walking around. I can't stop thinking about the wedding we had planned, our future together, our children that will never exist. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would like some advice. I already know about grief. that it never leaves us from my sisters death. but I don't know if I am strong enough to go through with something like this a second time. Specially when I am truly struggling with my faith in god. I am so very sorry about your loss and know what you're feeling. There is nothing I can say to take your pain away, but I think you move forward one step, one day at a time; you see, the weight of loosing someone so dear never goes away, we just learn how to carry it. You know about grief because you've been through it; you've been through all the hurt, the pain, through the storm, the rain, through the tears and the heartache, yet you still stand. So if your soul seems heavy, it's just fine to sit and catch your breath; it's just fine to be a mess at times and it's just fine to be relatively normal at other times. It fine and normal to miss them both and just fine for you to let it all hit you at once and surrender and break down. When something of this magnitude hits us, our faith sometimes decrease; but if we give God our weakness, HE will give us HIS strength. If God doesn't give us what we want, it isn't what we need. When everything seems like it's falling apart, that's when God is putting everything together just the way HE wants it. We don't know the strength we possess within. When your sister made her transition, did you ever wonder how you made it through or how far you've come? I think perhaps you already know the answer. Only with God's help did you power through; for without HIS strength we can do nothing. My prayer is for God to give you the hope and strength needed to get through this horrific time; hope to believe it will happen and the strength to hold on until it does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 31, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 31, 2017 He will carry you when you feel your faith waiver. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted October 31, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 31, 2017 7 hours ago, KayC said: He will carry you when you feel your faith waiver. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Amen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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