My sweet boy died at almost 19 years old, and I don't know how to 'cope' with loss?

[littlelukkreung]

I'm 23 and I've never not had animals in my life, I've lost many sweet pets but this seems to have hit me harder and it's occurred in my adult life and it was a graphic death and.. I don't know how to explain. I don't want to rant, I'm just desperate.

He's been with me nearly my entire life and for the last few years he's been living in my room 24/7 because he became very attached to me and was upset when I left him (I'm a shut in so I was here with him all the time). He had a few funny turns that seemed to be something close to asthma attacks but our vet repeatedly told us it was an 'old cat' thing.

On Tuesday he was okay in the morning, eating and coming over for a fuss and suddenly his breathing got worse (like I said we've been told by the vets he'd be fine and we couldn't keep ringing unless it was an emergency) well his mouth began turning blue and obviously I was hysterical.

He died in my arms on the way to the vet, (this may be a graphic so if this upsets you don't read I just have to get it out because I hid the details from Mom so as not to upset her) he let out the most horrific wails in the car (my Grandpah and myself were the only ones in the car and he stays calm for my sake) and he went limp, a few crokey sounds came out and he wet himself. Because the car was moving I couldn't tell if he was gone or not so I was cradling his head thinking perhaps the funny turn had exhausted him.

We went inside the vets (it was after hours) and the vet checked his face and told me he was gone, we were too late. He didn't take any money from and I was fine with paying him for getting ready for us. I took him to be cremated yesterday and I should get him back next Wednesday.

I just. I don't know how to cope with this kind of thing. When anything bad happens, I shut down. Completely. I just stop. I'm a shut in because of a previous breakdown and I feel the same way now as I did when that all started.

I despise the idea that 'pets are just pets'. No they're not. His brother who is only a few months younger knew something was wrong and after I brought his body back we let him say goodbye, as did the dogs and his brother has been moping since. One of the dogs who was close to him, he is also acting strangely. 

All I can think of is that every one of my angels is going to die. I left it too late to save my sweet boy. I should've gone earlier, I thought it'd pass. Or for all I know the car journey could've stressed him out to the point of his heart giving out (he had heart problems from a young age, he wasn't expected to live past 9/10).

The worst thing was the morning after when I had to take him to be cremated. He was so stiff and I didn't cover his head over with the blankets because I felt like I'd be suffocating him and his eyes were looking in different directions and that's the only image I have in my head of him.

I can't sleep, I feel so sick and everytime I'm in my room, I still look over to where he used to lay and expect to see him. I don't know what to do. I'm scared because I know it's going to happen again and again, we have 4 animals and two are elderly. I'm lost.

[AJWCat]

Hi - First I have to say how sorry I am that you lost your sweet kitty. I too lost my wonderful cat - very similar to you in the sudden and graphic way. My guy was 15 and the vet thinks he ingested something bad. Anyway, I totally understand your overwhelming grief, the pain, the fear. It's an awful way to lose such a precious animal. 19 is very much old age for cats and all I can do is say that at least he was with you and in your arms. I know that does not make it any easier on you or that he is gone. 

Please do not feel guilty about his death. I can tell having gone through it for the last couple months, it destroys you and it is so needless. Our pets sadly die. Like people, some get stricken with cancer or have an accident and die far too soon... some live a long life, but we love them so much it is never enough is it?   

Just try to grieve and cry and get it out. I know you feel lost. Our cat was our only pet so my husband and I were left alone and heartbroken. Hug your other pets, love them, and treasure each day. It is painful to know that they will go before us but for me that is not enough to keep me from getting another cat soon - my life must have cats in it!

I wish you peace as you try to cope with the loss. I know how it is and just take it one day at a time.   

[KayC]

Oh Hon, I am so sorry, I feel your pain in your words.  All I could think of when you said he let out a wail was I'm glad you were there with him, he was able to express himself, he knew you were there.  His suffering is over, and I truly believe with all my heart that we will be together again, and I hope that thought brings you comfort.  It's what gets me through this when I lose someone I love, whether furry or human.  

We all berate ourselves when we go through this, we think we should have done this or should have done that, it's part of grief.  I think it's like looking for a different possible outcome.  But perhaps there was none.  Perhaps had you brought him in sooner it might have had the same outcome.  We don't know, we can't see what will happen, we take life as it comes and do our best with it.  And he knew you loved him, that's why he chose to be with you as much as possible.  We have them for whatever number of years and they are a blessing in our lives each day of those years, a blessing to be appreciated and celebrated, but then when their time comes, we have to let their spirits go to wait for us...and who knows, perhaps just maybe, they visit us.  I've learned not to rule out what I don't know.

Try not to focus on upcoming losses but determine to appreciate each day with them, give them belly rubs and treats and kisses.  My dog's life expectancy is 9-12 and he's nearly 10.  My cat is over 21 and doing well.  I know I don't have a long time left with either but rather than looking at that, I try to make the most of today.  Today is all any of us really have, we don't know about tomorrow.

[MarvaMac]

Oh how my heart aches for you my friend !!!! I truly understand your pain and let me say how sorry I truly am for your loss!!! There's no doubt about that you feel guilty, but let me say this .... you have done all that you could do for your fur baby !!! The love you've had spoke so much volumes to me in knowing you were there till the end and I truly commend you for that. Please don't blame yourself if you could have done this or could have done that..... we never can control what circumstances may come our way...God knows I wish I could have had a magic wand and change the things we've been through with our beloved cat and make things a little different, but I know it could never happen, but just knowing we were there during his last months loving and comforting him was all we could do before we put him down eternally was a blessing.....you have done absolutely nothing wrong my friend and were a truly guardian angel for your boy!!!! I'm very sorry for the way you guys suffered before he passed just breaks my heart so much, please don't be so hard on yourself....pray....cry when you need to.....and please come to this site when you need to talk...we all will be here for you when you need us. You will get through this.....take your time to grieve the way you want and take care of yourself also!!!! That's for sure!!!!! I will definitely pray for you to have the strength to move forward in life, the courage to face another day and the love you have to welcome happiness again!!!!! Keep your head up my friend, you're not alone!!!!!!! 

[littlelukkreung]

Thank you for your replies. I don't speak to anyone outside my family so I've sort of been here wallowing in my own guilt and thoughts. 

I'm very grateful for your words of kindness. I'm sorry for the loss you have all also experienced. 

Again, thank you so much.

[AJWCat]

You bring up a good point... I cannot speak to my friends or family about this in the detail that I want to. Especially to people that are not so deeply connected to their pets as some of us are. This forum has been a place I can express my grief as it has happened. It has morphed and changed along the way from guilt to sadness to anger and back again. 

Please come share as you need to. Being alone with your thoughts can be bad sometimes because we ruminate over what happened at the very end and replay it. I hope you are doing okay!

[littlelukkreung]

That's a reason I'm very shut off is because of some peoples reactions which would basically equate to saying 'who cares' and I can't handle hearing that (it angers me more than upsets me), I don't think anyone should have to hear that after a loss of any kind.

My family are very understanding and are aware that I struggle to handle things like this appropriately but I am also aware that I'm the only one in the situation who is severely affected. My Mother loved the cats but they were mine? They both have grown attached to me especially Dave (who we lost). She won't admit it but my Mother is a 'dog person'. She loves them equally but it wasn't the same, if that makes sense?

No favouritism but I do believe it's hit me harder but that could just because I don't know how to handle it. I'm ranting again.

When he was having his turn on the day he left me, I was sat for about 2 hours next to him (before he seemed to settle but then of course got worse) with my laptop trying to figure out if it was a fit or an asthma attack or just an elderly cat issue like the vet said. I was scouring through everything whilst crying because nothing seemed to match him and a lot of the comments I saw on such articles were 'IT is just a cat' or 'who cares, IT wasnt gonna live forever' < just outright mocking those in the comments who were going through a loss themselves.

What are we as pet lovers supposed to do when the vet tells you not to worry? Or to stop bringing them in/ringing about them? As I said, one of our dogs is 14 and he's had a few injuries recently and our other cat is almost 19 too and I've been following them around, babying them. It's just hanging over me.

Bottom line, I'm doing okay, I've been keeping his little penguin toy with me at all times. I bought him a picture frame and I've sorted out an open place for him in my room when he comes home. It's just the waiting that's upsetting me now but I know it can't be helped.

 

[KayC]

I'm sorry people have been so inappropriate with their responses to your grief or your concerns.  Unfortunately, this is all too common.  It's NOT "just a cat", some people don't get how attached and close we are to them.  They aren't just a pet you own, they are our companions.  I've seen that response a lot from people who grew up on a farm and were taught a different interaction with animals, like they belong outdoors, they're "just a dog" or whatever.  They don't ever come to know them as a being, nor do they share their love.  They don't look far enough to see their individual qualities and personalities.  They are the ones who lose for they have missed much in their lives.

It may have hit you harder because you were more vested in the relationship with your cat.  You may feel more, you realized the depth of your cat.  Having a dog that is 14 and a cat that is 19 you are well aware that you could lose them...once we have suffered loss such as you have, we can't take it for granted anymore, we know how fleeting and temporary life can be and that everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But this same knowledge also helps us love our animals to the depth of our souls...we don't miss anything, we give them more bellyrubs and walks, we make the most of each day that we have.  And that is all any of us can do.

Missing them is the price we pay for having loved them, but we also realize full well how blessed we were to have had them in our lives.

[Maria9]

llittlelukkreung I am so sorry for your kitty and the pain you're going through.The pain is unbearable,I know. I am sorry you had to experience his passing in such a way but please be comforted by the fact that he died in your arms, where he wanted to be. Please don't torment yourself with guilt, you did everything you could for him. I wish I could comfort you more, my heart breaks for you, for your grief and confusion and anxiety. KayC is right, after such a loss we cannot take anything for granted anymore and we measure time differently. Cherish every minute with your other pets but do not let worry about the future spoil those moments.

People's comments can be very hurtful but try to ignore them. I speak about my loss of my kitty to very very few people because the majority doesn't understand or feel uncomfortable about it. You are a kind and sensitive person and you shouldn't be alone in a time like this. Please don't swallow your pain, you have to express it or it will damage you .You can share your feelings in this forum ,we are here to listen and share. Please take care of yourself , I pray for you to find comfort and peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Joey Fuerstenberg]

Dear littlelukkreung, 

I am deeply sorry for your loss and understand the immense sadness you are feeling.  Pets are like our children and best friend rolled into one furry bundle of joy. When we lose them the emotions we feel can impact us greatly.  That's wonderful that you had him cremated- now you can be at home together once again and hopefully you can find some peace in that.  Some of my friends kept their kitty collar right by the urn along with a framed photo on the fireplace mantel.  I found comfort in having a small gravestone made with a picture of my sweet Tigger for the burial site in my backyard.  Maybe something along those lines might help you during this tough time.  I lost my sweet boy on the way to the vet as well and it was both heartbreaking and traumatic for me.  I felt gilt over not getting him in sooner.  Just remember that he is no longer in pain, in fact, he is in peace now and left this earth knowing how much you loved him.  I pray your heart will heal from your loss and that you'll find comfort in his memory.