Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

I don't want to continue on without him


Matahum

Recommended Posts

  • Moderators

I'm sorry, LoveGoli. I know that struggle.  If it weren't for my pets and my family, I'd wish God would just see it in His heart to give me a quick heart attack and let me be with George again.  This life, this living, it takes so much work it's exhausting.  But being as I have to live, I try to give myself the best quality life I can have.  I eat healthy and exercise because I don't want to lose my independence and I want to be ambulatory and able to take care of myself, not be a burden to my kids or society.  But gosh it's a lot of effort!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 111
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members
On 31/10/2017 at 5:44 AM, KMB said:

Francine and Azipod, You both have a profound, beautiful way of expressing words.! Thank you!

I second KMB....Francine and Azipod, I have been reading other posts here, and your words to others in pain resonate with me also. You, as everyone here, have kind and loving hearts. Blessings. Xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tomorrow, it will be three months since I lost the most amazing human being I've ever met. Someone the universe let me love for over four years. And it still feels like just yesterday the entire world came crashing down around me. Maybe the waves are a little further apart now, but they're still just as big and I still think I'm drowning every time one washes over me. There will never be another smile that will ever light up my life in the same way, nor will there ever be another set of eyes that look at me as if I'm made of magic. I have loved his ancient soul a thousand times over, in life after life, forever.

And I still can't believe it has been three months. I'm angry about it. I want time to stop.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 1/4/2018 at 1:21 AM, M88 said:

No, not morbid at all, Skywise.  We’ve all had to think about our own deaths since losing our partners,  as have those people close to us.  I’ve told my family I don’t wish to be revived, but having it in writing is definitely a great idea. 

I saw a woman on the news once that that DO NOT REVIVE tattooed in large letters across her chest. 

I’ve not feared death since being by my Mum’s bedside for two weeks before she passed away.  We talked a lot about what she was seeing in her mind and feeling which was amazing - until she couldn’t find God.  She was a devout Christian, but God did not come to her no matter how much she prayed and pleaded.  The Minister we called in couldn’t help entice God to her either.  It was a blessing when she did finally pass away.  

As I don’t fear death you’d wonder at the driving phobia I have had since my hubby was mowed down and killed.  What I do fear is being seriously injured in a car crash and having to cope with even more health difficulties in my life.  

I take back what I wrote in this earlier post of mine - about not fearing death..  I feared it last Thursday on the 2nd anniversary of my darlings death, when my daughter and I came within a cats whisker from a serious collision with a speeding young driver who did not give way.  On our way to the Cemetery to lay flowers on my dear man’s grave!   And I sure as hell feared it when I woke at 3.45 this Thursday morning (the 2nd anniversary of having buried him) gasping for breath. I fought like mad to get air into my lungs.  My darlings spirit is alive and well,  urging me to ph the emergency #.  I was gasping so bad I wasn’t able to tell the woman on the emergency line where I lived, but she located me via my landline.  I have never been so terrified in all my life.  I felt so sure I was going to die without having yet obtained justice for my man.  I was graded as a Stat 2 by the local medics and another ambulance was sent up from the city hospital.   

I think you’d be surprised at how hard the mind and body fight to stay alive, when it comes to the crunch.  I am darned grateful to be home with my faculties intact, and will soon be picking up where I left off with my legal battles.  And saving for the holiday I plan to have! 

Sending strength, love and hugs. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It may because you HAVE a daughter that you don't want to die yet.  If you had nothing to live for your response might have been different.  When all is said and done, I don't think I fear death itself, but I do not want to leave my dog and cat without me here to take care of them, and that alone made me fight to live when my heart stopped during surgery and following and I kept stopping breathing.  Had it not been for them I would have gladly succumbed as it felt alluring and peaceful.

I am glad to see the feisty side of you coming to battle, and I am rooting for you in your fight!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, KayC said:

It may because you HAVE a daughter that you don't want to die yet.  If you had nothing to live for your response might have been different.  When all is said and done, I don't think I fear death itself, but I do not want to leave my dog and cat without me here to take care of them, and that alone made me fight to live when my heart stopped during surgery and following and I kept stopping breathing.  Had it not been for them I would have gladly succumbed as it felt alluring and peaceful.

I am glad to see the feisty side of you coming to battle, and I am rooting for you in your fight!

I have both of my parents, my dog, and as funny as it may seem, a large home remolding project currently going on.   That's all I have left in my life.... after that, I'm ready to go.  In all honesty, I've had some minor sensation in aches in what I believe is my chest a few times since my wife has left.   I don't think it's really anything but that's besides the fact.  With these sensations, I don't even think twice.  I just let it go and keep on chugging along.   If it's time to go, it's time to go.  I'm not going to fight for my life.    Nor do I plan on seeing a doctor anytime in the near future for any preventive medical care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 hours ago, M88 said:

I take back what I wrote in this earlier post of mine - about not fearing death..  I feared it last Thursday on the 2nd anniversary of my darlings death, when my daughter and I came within a cats whisker from a serious collision with a speeding young driver who did not give way.  On our way to the Cemetery to lay flowers on my dear man’s grave!   And I sure as hell feared it when I woke at 3.45 this Thursday morning (the 2nd anniversary of having buried him) gasping for breath. I fought like mad to get air into my lungs.  My darlings spirit is alive and well,  urging me to ph the emergency #.  I was gasping so bad I wasn’t able to tell the woman on the emergency line where I lived, but she located me via my landline.  I have never been so terrified in all my life.  I felt so sure I was going to die without having yet obtained justice for my man.  I was graded as a Stat 2 by the local medics and another ambulance was sent up from the city hospital.   

I think you’d be surprised at how hard the mind and body fight to stay alive, when it comes to the crunch.  I am darned grateful to be home with my faculties intact, and will soon be picking up where I left off with my legal battles.  And saving for the holiday I plan to have! 

Sending strength, love and hugs. 

Sometimes we know it's not time to go, even though we want to.  It sounds like your body knows that you have unfinished business to tend to.  It's not your time.

 I am glad to hear that you are OK.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
6 hours ago, Azipod said:

I have both of my parents, my dog, and as funny as it may seem, a large home remolding project currently going on.   That's all I have left in my life.... after that, I'm ready to go.  In all honesty, I've had some minor sensation in aches in what I believe is my chest a few times since my wife has left.   I don't think it's really anything but that's besides the fact.  With these sensations, I don't even think twice.  I just let it go and keep on chugging along.   If it's time to go, it's time to go.  I'm not going to fight for my life.    Nor do I plan on seeing a doctor anytime in the near future for any preventive medical care.

Oh gosh same i am experiencing, pain in chest. I don't know how to describe this but yes sometimes i feel pain in my chest, sometimes on left and right and sometimes both sides but  like you said no plan to meet doctor. Who the hell care to meet doctor, i will be more than happy if this pain take my life then this will not sucide and may be no guilt on me to take my own life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 hours ago, Azipod said:

Sometimes we know it's not time to go, even though we want to.  It sounds like your body knows that you have unfinished business to tend to.  It's not your time.

 I am glad to hear that you are OK.

Thank you, Azipod. No, it wasn’t my time, thank god. I have a lot of unfinished business.  During the Medical event, and by no means was it looking or feeling like a quick, pain free death,  I was saddened to think I hadn’t been given long enough to finish the work in getting justice for my dear man, and fighting for the changes that will prevent further deaths such as the nature of his. I felt like I’d failed him - that nothing positive would now come from his senseless death.  

Had I died, my daughter, who has been very much involved in the legal battles would have been far too distraught with grief to continue with them, and I’d hope she wouldn’t give them another thought.  But, as it turns out, my darling hubby is still very much with me - still giving me strength and guiding me as he’s done since I brought him home in spirit, from the scene of his death.  I hope nothing will prevent me from giving my children strength, like my hubby has me, from beyond the grave. 

Yes Kay, I have my daughter.  We are very close and my greatest pleasure these past few months has been to see her enjoying her life again. I do try and keep the true state of my emotions and life as it is now, from her, but she is too perceptive by far, bless her. 

It is very, very  rare indeed that Gerry communicates with me whilst I am indoors, which has me wondering if those of you who don’t have spiritual contact with your beloveds, live where you can spend time outdoors?   I’d also be interested to know if others who do have contact, find it comes much more readily when outdoors?  

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I have a book called Pathways to the Soul and it explains that our souls are reached through different avenues.  It's been years since I read it but I think they explained four pathways.  Mine was through nature, sounds like yours is too.  One is Liturgy, I remember, because I had a friend whose was that way, she joined the Catholic church as an adult.  It's not the same for all of us but there is a way for each one of us.  It is good to have that connection.

M88, I think Azipod is right, it was not your time yet, you have unfinished business even as I do.  If it's taken out of my hands I have no choice but to trust things here will work out, but I really do want to see my animals through to the end of their lives first, neither of them would be easily adoptable, the cat is 22 and cranky/demanding, the dog will be ten next month (his breed lives to nine) and has special needs and is not easy to take care of or handle.  Also, I'd like to have my place paid off first so my kids wouldn't have to do a "quick sale", I'd like them to be able to take a year cleaning it out and selling it as time permits so it doesn't wreak havoc with their jobs.  So for me those are purposes to hang around a few more years.  Not to mention I'd like to be here for others going through this, I know all too well how it feels and don't want anyone left hanging with no hope or understanding.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 hours ago, M88 said:

It is very, very  rare indeed that Gerry communicates with me whilst I am indoors, which has me wondering if those of you who don’t have spiritual contact with your beloveds, live where you can spend time outdoors?   I’d also be interested to know if others who do have contact, find it comes much more readily when outdoors?  

The connections that I've had with my wife occurs mostly indoors -- especially if I am the one initiating the connection.   I don't think there's ever been a single time where she's come to me while I am in an outdoor setting.  But again, I don't spend a lot of times outside, or perhaps I am just simply too distracted while I am outdoors.  The only significant one that I've had outdoors was at the cemetery.    Technically, though indirectly, I initiated.... but she did came forward when I did not expect it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
17 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Oh gosh same i am experiencing, pain in chest. I don't know how to describe this but yes sometimes i feel pain in my chest, sometimes on left and right and sometimes both sides but  like you said no plan to meet doctor. Who the hell care to meet doctor, i will be more than happy if this pain take my life then this will not sucide and may be no guilt on me to take my own life.

LoveGoli: I am so sorry.  Another lonely and miserable weekend has come to an end.  This is not what I call life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.