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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Matahum

I don't want to continue on without him

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8 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I beg for death every single day, I am done with this pain and life.

Oh tell me about it!   It's Saturday morning here again!     It's another 4-day weekend for me (new years).    On Friday, I did nothing.   Friday night on a 4-day weekend, I decided to go to bed at 9pm because I couldn't bear the pain anymore.   I slept and slept.  I woke up this morning, Saturday at 9 am.  Slept 12-hours.   I wished my body would sleep forever!

Now, Saturday morning, onto the grief forums.  Tomorrow will be New Years Eve.   Oh gosh.     I so need this holiday period to blow over.

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22 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Oh tell me about it!   It's Saturday morning here again!     It's another 4-day weekend for me (new years).    On Friday, I did nothing.   Friday night on a 4-day weekend, I decided to go to bed at 9pm because I couldn't bear the pain anymore.   I slept and slept.  I woke up this morning, Saturday at 9 am.  Slept 12-hours.   I wished my body would sleep forever!

Now, Saturday morning, onto the grief forums.  Tomorrow will be New Years Eve.   Oh gosh.     I so need this holiday period to blow over.

Its almost 11:55pm here. Last year this time we were going for new year celebrations and i was so tired because of schedule and told him that next year i m not gonna go for celebration out of city. I didn't knew that time, its going to be true, never thought my whole life will change in 2017 and going to be big time sucks. I am in my bed right now and missing him so badly, all I can do is crying and beg for death. Hopefully i will not see 2019 and die in 2018, hopefully this year is my last year of life. Like him i will turn 30 in 2018 so hopefully i will go like him in my 30.

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18 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Its almost 11:55pm here. Last year this time we were going for new year celebrations and i was so tired because of schedule and told him that next year i m not gonna go for celebration out of city. I didn't knew that time, its going to be true, never thought my whole life will change in 2017 and going to be big time sucks. I am in my bed right now and missing him so badly, all I can do is crying and beg for death. Hopefully i will not see 2019 and die in 2018, hopefully this year is my last year of life. Like him i will turn 30 in 2018 so hopefully i will go like him in my 30.

LoveGoli - I'm so sorry that it's so painful for you at this moment.  I hate those waves I get when I turn off the lights each night, think about how I've gone through another day without my spouse, and then have to crawl into bed alone.... knowing that they are not here next to me, where they are suppose to be.  It is very painful to start, or to end for that matter, each day.   Many people out there have absolutely no idea what we have to go through.  They only see that it's painful for someone to go home alone now.  But their thoughts stop there.  They don't realize being home alone is just the beginning.  It is every second that we are in the house without our spouse that is killing us, by the second.  And the pain never stops.

I'm sorry again that you are having a difficult moment.  Sometimes, when I feel sick to my stomach that I am going to bed alone (again), I think about how I've made it through this day in a positive manner.  Also, as tough as it is, I let me out a big sigh and tell myself that I am now one day closer to being with my wife again.  And I think about how much I love her!

That's really all we can do right now.   Good night and I hope you rest well.

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20 hours ago, Azipod said:

Sometimes the grief is so overwhelming to us that we do not have any time and energy to expend on handling other people's grief.

Absolutely!

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I am hoping that 2018 will at least stop with all the bullshit and give me a little breathing room, if I only use that to grieve, at least I won't have other stuff piled on top of it like I do now.

I know he wants me to keep going... I don't want to, but I'm doing what he'd want me to do. I get out of bed every day because the dog needs fed and needs to pee. 

Someone from this forum sent me something via PM, and it's been a bit helpful. I'm working through it in hopes that somehow it makes this a little easier.

I already know that he's still out there - His soul anyway. I just am angry that he will never be physically with me again. That's the hard part and the part that I grieve the most about.

Last New Years we chatted on Skype through his New Years and then mine (3 hour difference) then we said goodnight and I went to bed while he played some video games (his favorite late-night hobby). I'd wake up to a good morning message every day. I miss those.

I drank tonight - 100 proof moonshine - It's numbed me enough to write this without crying.

The email I was going to send him on his birthday (2 days after his death) is still sitting in my drafts folder. A friend told me I should edit it and send it anyway, he thinks it might help. But I still can't bring myself to do that, or even to write his mom a letter and print off the pictures of him to send to her. I guess after I see the doctor this week and find out what is going on with me, I will find the strength to do it.

My nan is only 72 and her and my grandfather have been married for 54 years (57 together), she still has a lot of life left to live and this breast cancer thing isn't what we need right now. The only saving grace is that there is a 99% survival rate, and it was caught early (no cancer found in tests done on her last year).

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7 hours ago, Matahum said:

I know he wants me to keep going... I don't want to, but I'm doing what he'd want me to do. I get out of bed every day because the dog needs fed and needs to pee. 

It's good you have a dog.  Anything that gives us purpose, anything that prompts us to keep going.

Wow, how special to have grandparents together all those years, so were my grandparents on my mom's side.  What a heritage and example!

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On 12/31/2017 at 10:40 PM, Matahum said:

I am hoping that 2018 will at least stop with all the bullshit and give me a little breathing room, if I only use that to grieve, at least I won't have other stuff piled on top of it like I do now.

I too wish that 2018 would be smooth sailing -- though smooth is a relative term.  Two days into 2018, I'm already feeling how much it hurts to begin a new year without my wife.  I thought leaving 2017 behind and welcoming 2018 would be for the better.  Little did I know that 2018 will come with its own problems.

On 12/31/2017 at 10:40 PM, Matahum said:

I know he wants me to keep going... I don't want to, but I'm doing what he'd want me to do. I get out of bed every day because the dog needs fed and needs to pee. 

I don't want to as well.  I'm still living because I cannot go before my parents.  So in a way, I feel like I'm just hanging on and suffering until the day.  Perhaps after my parents (and my dog) goes, I can somehow "release and go home" so I can be with my wife, again.   I can't wait until that day finally comes.   This is one of those times in my life that I wished I didn't have such good health.

On 12/31/2017 at 10:40 PM, Matahum said:

I already know that he's still out there - His soul anyway. I just am angry that he will never be physically with me again. That's the hard part and the part that I grieve the most about.

Yes.  Isn't that the darnest thing?  They are out there, or simply right here with us.  However, they are in another dimension.  In other words, they are in another world.  I suppose this doesn't make it any better .... but at least they are not gone in the sense where everything ceases.  Perhaps just the body, but the the soul went through a transition --- they are in another realm.

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Azipod - I feel the same as you.  I've said before that Clive made me promise to take care of our cat for the rest of her life and I also have elderly parents, in their 80s who suffered through losing my brother a year or so ago.  I tell  myself that I just have to keep going until Mum, Dad and Chloe-the-cat are gone and then there'll be no-one left to miss me and I'll be free to follow him.   I just have to hold it together til then unless I have an accident or contract an illness which will do the job for me.

I've already set up an Advance Directive refusing all medical treatment with the exception of pain relief (I'm cowardly enough to accept that!) and a strict "DNR under any circumstances" instruction which I've signed and had witnessed, copies of which are in my wallet and my mobile phone case so theyre always close at hand in case theyre needed.  

I know it sounds morbid but I want everything in place so my wishes can be carried out and no-one can counter them to keep me alive or request medical intervention when I don't want it.

Such happy thoughts I have now.  Would you believe that I used to be an insane optimist? I used to live my life with such joy and wonder how I ever got to be so lucky.  Clive used to call me his Smiley Baby.  Now I just want it all to be over. I won't proactively end my life  - not at the moment anyway -  but it would be a huge relief if someone or something  ended it for me.

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4 hours ago, Skywise said:

Such happy thoughts I have now.  Would you believe that I used to be an insane optimist? I used to live my life with such joy and wonder how I ever got to be so lucky.  Clive used to call me his Smiley Baby.  Now I just want it all to be over. I won't proactively end my life  - not at the moment anyway -  but it would be a huge relief if someone or something  ended it for me.

I am so much with you on this one.   I am a cheerful person and always had a smile on my face.  Not anymore.   It's all sadness now.    

My life, the world, and my wife together meant everything to me.   Now, I'm just left with thoughts about my wife.  It's all about her because being with her is the only thing that can carry me these days.

I've said it before.  I do wish that a runaway truck would come down the road and just take me out while I'm crossing the street.   Just make it fast and unexpected.  I'm ready for it.

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No, not morbid at all, Skywise.  We’ve all had to think about our own deaths since losing our partners,  as have those people close to us.  I’ve told my family I don’t wish to be revived, but having it in writing is definitely a great idea. 

I saw a woman on the news once that that DO NOT REVIVE tattooed in large letters across her chest. 

I’ve not feared death since being by my Mum’s bedside for two weeks before she passed away.  We talked a lot about what she was seeing in her mind and feeling which was amazing - until she couldn’t find God.  She was a devout Christian, but God did not come to her no matter how much she prayed and pleaded.  The Minister we called in couldn’t help entice God to her either.  It was a blessing when she did finally pass away.  

As I don’t fear death you’d wonder at the driving phobia I have had since my hubby was mowed down and killed.  What I do fear is being seriously injured in a car crash and having to cope with even more health difficulties in my life.  

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5 hours ago, M88 said:

No, not morbid at all, Skywise.  We’ve all had to think about our own deaths since losing our partners,  as have those people close to us.  I’ve told my family I don’t wish to be revived, but having it in writing is definitely a great idea. 

Along with not fearing death these days, some people including myself have also looked at life differently.  I won't get into the details in this post, but at the most outer surface, I think most of us now realize how fragile life is and that everything that we have, can dissappear in a second, or heart-beat.  The other thing I've learned thus far is to not judge others .... even that annoying person standing in front of the line that you're in at the supermarket.   You just never know what they are going through in their life.     Everyone has challenges...   it's just that not everyone shows it.

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

The other thing I've learned thus far is to not judge others

This is so true, I have learned the same, not to judge other peoples and life can change in seconds. Earlier if I saw any annoying person or see anything which is wrong according to my morals, I judge others but now I can understand maybe that other person have his own problems. Sometimes I want to do all that stuff which I thought wrong before like smoking, drinking, or doing something bad but then I feel what if he is watching me, does he like if I start smoking or drinking then at the same time I feel if he is watching and not liking all this, he can come and stop me. This is my way to take revenge from him. He left me here for crying, in never loosing pain so I can also give him some pain. 

I sounds like crazy person but there are lot of thoughts going on my mind every seconds and I don't know how to handle all these crap.

 

 

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Azipod, 

This is one of the reasons I like you so much!  You are wise and continually learning from your life experiences.  A great person!

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12 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I sounds like crazy person but there are lot of thoughts going on my mind every seconds and I don't know how to handle all these crap.

You ARE handling it though, and you're not crazy sounding at all!  You're making the best you can of a really tough situation.

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Quote

I think most of us now realize how fragile life is and that everything that we have, can dissappear in a second, or heart-beat.

This.

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15 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

This is so true, I have learned the same, not to judge other peoples and life can change in seconds. Earlier if I saw any annoying person or see anything which is wrong according to my morals, I judge others but now I can understand maybe that other person have his own problems. Sometimes I want to do all that stuff which I thought wrong before like smoking, drinking, or doing something bad but then I feel what if he is watching me, does he like if I start smoking or drinking then at the same time I feel if he is watching and not liking all this, he can come and stop me. This is my way to take revenge from him. He left me here for crying, in never loosing pain so I can also give him some pain. 

I sounds like crazy person but there are lot of thoughts going on my mind every seconds and I don't know how to handle all these crap.

LoveGoli -- I think you are handling your grief just fine.  I know, it may not necessarily feel that way, but you are.  We all have.  We all have made it with the support from this forum, and people in our personal lives, to get to where we are today.   None of us are any where close to completing our grief journey (I don't think we ever will be), but I'm sure all of us in one way or another never thought that we could get to where we are today.   And that itself, is an accomplishment and we should all give ourselves a little pat on the back for that.

In a bigger picture, the higher power in the world likely gave each of us a purpose in this life.  We are all put through different life experiences so that we can develop ourselves.   Perhaps, for us, and it is learning about how to love.  Not just love our family and our partners, but universal love.  Love for strangers, for everyone.   Love doesn't just mean romance.    Love can be coming onto this forum, and helping other grievers walk this difficult path.   When we love each other, we feel better, and we make others feel better too.    Perhaps learning how to love, and offering love, is one of our life purposes.    Sorry for preaching, but it's just a thought.

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

Perhaps learning how to love, and offering love, is one of our life purposes.

Thanks Azipod for your words but I am not sure if any love left inside me for anyone, that's my problem, I don't feel for anyone. Others pain doesn't effect me like it used to earlier. I only feel bad for those who lost their partners other than that nothing effect me. I don't care for anyone, nothing bothers me at all.

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Thanks Azipod for your words but I am not sure if any love left inside me for anyone, that's my problem, I don't feel for anyone. Others pain doesn't effect me like it used to earlier. I only feel bad for those who lost their partners other than that nothing effect me. I don't care for anyone, nothing bothers me at all.

I'm the same. I have no room for any empathy with others now, there's only room for my grief.  Oh, I put on a good enough show so that others tell me how marvellously well I'm handling everything and how strong I am, what an inspiration I'm being.  It's all rubbish of course.  I'm just counting out the heartbeats until it all ends..

Everyday I have to go over the reasons why I'm still here and convince myself that they're enough to keep me breathing.

I even had to fight with the nurse at the surgery yesterday.  As some of you know,  I've booked a ridiculous holiday and I had to go down for some vaccines.  I said that that I would only get vaccinated against illnesses that I could give to others, not against diseases that would only affect me.  She was horrified and tried to give me the other vaccines anyway so there was a bit of a barney between us.  She also noticed that I've stopped my regular B12 jabs (I have full blown pernicious anaemia - how very Victorian of me!)  and wanted to give me that as well.  lt took a hell of a lot to convince her not to and she's now insisting that I speak to the practice counsellor about my "suicidal tendancies". 

I've said it before.  I'm not suicidal. I just don't  want to live.   Theres a big difference!  I think the counsellor  would be better off spending her time dealing with the people who want her help and leaving me alone.

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3 hours ago, Skywise said:

I've said it before.  I'm not suicidal. I just don't  want to live.   Theres a big difference!  

Hi Skywise, someone posted on this site a while back about being careful what you say to the medical professionals. I don't know if the average person can really understand the difference between wanting to die and being suicidal. Perhaps only people like us can truly understand the difference. Plus, they may contact the authorities just to cover their own ass against lawsuits. I feel the same way you do and this site is the only place I would dare express those feelings

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22 hours ago, Azipod said:

Sorry for preaching, but it's just a thought.

Preach it, brother!  :)  Azipod, I always appreciate what you have to say.

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7 hours ago, Skywise said:

I'm the same. I have no room for any empathy with others now, there's only room for my grief.  Oh, I put on a good enough show so that others tell me how marvellously well I'm handling everything and how strong I am, what an inspiration I'm being.  It's all rubbish of course.  I'm just counting out the heartbeats until it all ends..

Everyday I have to go over the reasons why I'm still here and convince myself that they're enough to keep me breathing.

I even had to fight with the nurse at the surgery yesterday.  As some of you know,  I've booked a ridiculous holiday and I had to go down for some vaccines.  I said that that I would only get vaccinated against illnesses that I could give to others, not against diseases that would only affect me.  She was horrified and tried to give me the other vaccines anyway so there was a bit of a barney between us.  She also noticed that I've stopped my regular B12 jabs (I have full blown pernicious anaemia - how very Victorian of me!)  and wanted to give me that as well.  lt took a hell of a lot to convince her not to and she's now insisting that I speak to the practice counsellor about my "suicidal tendancies". 

I've said it before.  I'm not suicidal. I just don't  want to live.   Theres a big difference!  I think the counsellor  would be better off spending her time dealing with the people who want her help and leaving me alone.

Skywise,

It's what is called "passive suicide"...the not taking care of ourselves in the hope that we die.  We don't put a gun to our heads, but we don't take our medicine or eat healthy, or get exercise, or treatments either.  That's how TooDevastated recently died, in short order, transferring her pain to her family because now they're the ones grieving.

It's so important to take care of ourselves to help ourselves have optimal clarity of mind, and to feel as well as we can so that we can give ourselves the needed time to adjust.  Not telling you what to do, just giving you something to consider and why we do what we do.

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15 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Thanks Azipod for your words but I am not sure if any love left inside me for anyone, that's my problem, I don't feel for anyone. Others pain doesn't effect me like it used to earlier. I only feel bad for those who lost their partners other than that nothing effect me. I don't care for anyone, nothing bothers me at all.

I know how you feel.  In more ways than not, I'm still very much in the same mode as you.   I feel I can see the meaning of universal love in my mind.  However, practicing it is a totally different story.  I do what I can here to support others, because it does provide healing for me too.   But at the end of the day, I'm still grieving heavily and most of my energy is focused on myself.   It sounds selfish, but I think it's completely OK.    If we cannot take care and love ourselves, there's no energy for us to take care and love others.   

Btw, it's Friday again.  :-/

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8 hours ago, Skywise said:

I've said it before.  I'm not suicidal. I just don't  want to live. 

You are not alone.  This, along with happiness, is pretty much what I need to work on.   This morning, I actually had a moment to sit down and think.  I was trying to evaluate where I am currently in my grief.   It dawned on me that based on the last few weeks and making it through the holidays, I'm pretty much out of the fog.  I'm no longer confused.  However, where I am is not a happy place.  Life is easier, the waves of grief is manageable.  But life is not better.   I still feel like sh*t.  That's because of what I'm going through, and because I'm missing my wife.  In many ways, I still don't feel I have a  purpose, other than to help others who are here.  But I really don't care for much these days anymore.   Like you, I'm not suicidal in the sense that I plan on hurting myself.  But I simply just don't care about anything.  It's the big WHATEVER attitude.   I don't have any real ongoing medical needs, so there's no medication or procedures that I need to undergo.. .but I'm also not intending to go to any preventive medical care appointments either.   I rather just life my life (if we can call it living at all!), and let it take over naturally.   Doing preventive medicine to "prolong" my life seems so unnatural these days.

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28 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel.  In more ways than not, I'm still very much in the same mode as you.   I feel I can see the meaning of universal love in my mind.  However, practicing it is a totally different story.  I do what I can here to support others, because it does provide healing for me too.   But at the end of the day, I'm still grieving heavily and most of my energy is focused on myself.   It sounds selfish, but I think it's completely OK.    If we cannot take care and love ourselves, there's no energy for us to take care and love others.   

Btw, it's Friday again.  :-/

Yuppp its Friday again. Friday night here, can you believe we survived 6 months without them. Today 6 months completed last time i saw him, heard him, can't believe i survived this far. These 6 months were the most disaster months of my life, i was never that much sad before like i m now.

I am so tired of this, hopefully it will end soon no matter how , i just want to stop this pain , suffering.

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25 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Yuppp its Friday again. Friday night here, can you believe we survived 6 months without them. Today 6 months completed last time i saw him, heard him, can't believe i survived this far. These 6 months were the most disaster months of my life, i was never that much sad before like i m now.

I am so tired of this, hopefully it will end soon no matter how , i just want to stop this pain , suffering.

LoveGoli.  I am happy for your progress but of course sad to see that we all have had to meet under these most unfortunate circumstances.  A disaster and a nightmare in which we cannot escape and wake up from is a very accurate description of our new life. Even though we've progressed, one of the saddest thoughts is when I actually think back about the time it has been since my wife has left.   6-months is a mile marker in terms of progress for us, but at the same time, it also represents all the days we've lost and missed our loved ones.  It's simply how many days that life has taken them away from us.  It is the cruelest experience that life has thrown to us.   As you have said so well, the pain and suffering is tiring and consuming.   Like you, there is little optimism in my life and everything is just a dark hole.   I am sorry.   Even though we do not know each other, I want you to know that you are not alone; for I am at the 6-month period too.  I am, also feeling the intense pain, right along side with you.   Have a peaceful night.  

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