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Matahum

I don't want to continue on without him

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I’m pleased you were able to get contact numbers for your partner’s family, Matahum,

I sincerely hope his sister replies to your message.  

Sending you strength, love and hugs XX

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I'm glad you finally have a way to contact them.  I hope you hear back from them soon!  I imagine they are struggling too.  

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I heard from her. They have been waiting a long time to hear from me. The woman who contacted me about his death (a long ago ex that surprisingly nobody knows he wasn't that fond of, but that was always his way, he never made ripples and was full of kindness) was nasty in refusing to give me the contact info I needed, so all of us ended up needlessly waiting 6 weeks to finally converse. Maybe we were meant to wait that long so the emotions had time to become at least a little more balanced. I believe everything in life happens exactly as it should, no coincidences. 

I was able to get out some of my feelings, and I got his mother's address so that I may send a letter and some very recent photos of him that I have.

Admittedly I want to say I feel better, but at the same time talking to his sister, and her confirming his death, and discussing the funeral, made it all so real and permanent and I lost it. I was glad it was early morning and I was still in bed at the time, so I could deal with the breakdown privately.

He has been buried in Antigua, so in the future, I will be able to go there, and visit the body he left behind.

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Matahum,   I am glad you finally were able to make contact. I know how hard it was on you, but it was also needed, as part of the healing, for everyone.  Sending a letter and photos to his mom, will be much appreciated. You have a giving heart, amidst your own grieving. Your partner is proud of you for keeping that open heart.

Maybe the 6 week wait was for the reason you convey. I also believe some things in this life happen the way they are meant to. We do have free will to make our choices, but some things are not under our control, as all of us here can attest to.

I hope in the future, you are able to make that trip to Antigua. Your heart will let you know when you are ready.

Has your cat made his way back to you?

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Matahum,

I'm glad you were finally able to get that contact and it hopefully gives you some answers, and also that you could do so privately.  I also hope with you that you can go to Antigua when you are ready and pay your respects.

As for the ex, she's a non issue, people will see in her what he figured out long ago.

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Thanks for the kind words. He did remain friends with many exes, but oddly enough, he was always open and honest about it, and had zero interest in them romantically. I'm also not normally a jealous person as I am confident in myself and was very confident in the security of our relationship and feelings for each other. His sister said he took our breakup really hard, and so his long-ago ex, who he remained friends with, was apparently just overprotective because of that. I'm letting it go, but honestly, it wasn't her place at all to decide whether I get to contact his mother or not. 

He also told his family that I was his soul mate, that he loved me more than anyone he'd ever been with, etc... It's hard thinking about those words because I wanted to reconcile and did not get that chance.

My cat won't be here for Christmas, she came into heat shortly after getting to the foster home, so we have to wait to have her spayed. I am also still slowly saving the money while trying to make Christmas a reality here for my family and friends. It's a lot of stress, admittedly, but thankfully my little kitty is safe with someone who has now become a pretty good friend (the foster home). I'm also debating just flying down to my friend's in FL in February and spending a week or so there and during that time make the 3 hour drive to the foster home to get my kitty and just bring her on the plane home with me underneath the seat in the cabin. It'll either be the same price or cheaper than cargo, and less stressful for her.

I think I'm going to need to give myself a LOT of time before I will be ready to go to Antigua to see his grave and his family. I had a really bad day today where the grief is concerned and this is probably not something that is going to be better in 6 months or even a year. I don't want to make the hole in my heart worse by going when things are still raw.

 

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Matahum,

Oh I hope for you so much that you can do this!

9 hours ago, Matahum said:

I'm also debating just flying down to my friend's in FL in February and spending a week or so there and during that time make the 3 hour drive to the foster home to get my kitty and just bring her on the plane home with me underneath the seat in the cabin. It'll either be the same price or cheaper than cargo, and less stressful for her.

I'm glad his family told you that he loved you more than anyone he'd ever been with, those words are worth more than gold to your soul!  Know that had you had more time availed to you, the two of you would have indeed reconciled, as you felt that way deep within you.  How you must feel knowing he felt you were his soulmate!  That is how my husband and I felt.  I can make friends with many men in my lifetime, but there is only my George that I felt that way about as a soulmate.  We were on the same plane, we understood each other.  Did we ever have problems?  Yes, I don't think anyone together long enough escapes that, but we worked on them, and always knew we meant the world to each other.

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11 hours ago, Matahum said:

I had a really bad day today where the grief is concerned and this is probably not something that is going to be better in 6 months or even a year. I don't want to make the hole in my heart worse by going when things are still raw.

Hi Matahum,  I felt pretty shitty all weekend too.  I'm still new on the journey and there's still a bit of "rawness" to it -- but I've pretty much gotten more than a foot into the reality now.   It actually does get worst before it gets better.  It's just different.  But your thoughts on the grief timeline is absolutely correct.  There is no timeline.  We don't know when it's going to end.  It's different for everyone and different for every relationship that is lost.   We can put arbitrary numbers like 6-months, 1-year, 5-years, etc.   I thought that I would be fairly solid but sad at 6-months.  But coming up to it now, I've realized that there's really no need to think and state about timeline commitments.  You just have to do what you have to do.  Sometimes you think you're progressing well and you're going to reach that mile-marker just fine, but then as things progress (and sometimes progression means going backwards!), you see that things change everyday and the timeline just doesn't make sense.

It's a sad life.  It's shitty to say the least.  There is no more joy in life.  How can there be?  Things cannot possibly be better unless my wife comes back.  So no, it doesn't get "better" over time.  There's no need for a deadline to shoot for so that you can conquer this grief.

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It is a sad life in a f&$#@d up world that we’ve been left with.  I’ve had to ride out some humongous waves in the past 7 weeks.  I’ve had more glimpses of depression these past few weeks than I care to admit to, and I’ve been on this shitty, complex road for 99 weeks.  Adjusting to living alone has got easier in that time, but yearning for my hubby and our contented, quiet old life - No. 

Love and hugs, guys. 

 

 

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17 hours ago, M88 said:

Adjusting to living alone has got easier in that time, but yearning for my hubby and our contented, quiet old life - No. 

For sure.

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Well, I'm still here, it's been a bad few days, really in a dark spot, trying to keep going. I sometimes hear his voice in my head when I think bad thoughts, telling me to cut that s*** out. I got my Christmas shopping done, I've done some baking... But it was hard because I realized I didn't have to figure out what to get him this year for Christmas.

A woman on facebook read a comment I had made about my loss, and sent me this. It's helped... a little

24852336_10214859163091912_4351457342831000747_n.jpg

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Matahum,   Sorry you are having some bad days. It will be like that for a very long time. I can have some "alright" days, then, wham, something touches the grief nerve and it will will set me back into being depressed and asking "why am I still here", I am never going to be truly happy again. People say that grieving is a roller coaster. That is so apt, that phrase.

I have had some bad days myself recently. I tend to isolate during the worst times .I have been working on bringing myself out of the darkness again. Right now, for me, it has to do with winter and Christmas. I put on the brave face for others, but that gets exhausting. This will be my 2nd winter without my husband and it is so darn lonely and I had to deal with 7" of new snow today by myself. All I can do is grit my teeth and make it through another day. I have been learning a lot of lessons with my loss.

Thinking of you and sending prayers your way. Thank you for sharing the story of the elderly guy and his waves and scars. There is a lot of truth said there.

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That was really nice of her to reach out and try to help you.  It does help to know that what we are experiencing is normal and others go through it too.  Yes, it will be a long journey but it does evolve.  I learned to ride out the waves, not try to change them or avoid them, there'll be ups and downs along the way.  One day at a time...

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Thank you KMB and KayC. This has been tough but I'm just trying to take it one minute at a time. Wake up, take dog out, feed dog, make coffee, drink coffee. One little task at a time. Because even taking it one day at a time seems too overwhelming.

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That's true...try breaking it down to one hour or even one minute.  I've had to do that at times, especially in my early grief.

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On top of everything regarding my ex's passing, I may be having a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) - spent last night in hospital emergency and went back for full abdominal ultrasound today, which they took almost an hour to do and possibly found other things outside of the gallbladder...  this on top of my grandmother having a breast biopsy and a liver scan... I don't know how much more I can take.

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Matahum,

I went through this three years ago today.  When they diagnosed me, they found several things, a non-functioning gallbladder, ulcers, Cirrhosis of the liver (and I a teetotaler!), and Bronchitis.  I was shocked!  I'd been suffering gallbladder attacks but they felt similar to the ulcer attacks.  They told me there are about 13 different things it could be in that area so they had to do an ultrasound to find out what it was.  They waited a full two months and removed my gallbladder two days before Christmas.  They can do laparoscopic surgery now so it's much less invasive and the healing time quicker.  No bending down or stretching for a while.  Do you have someone who can stay a while with you?  They'll give you a list of foods you can eat, some to avoid.  It'll be okay.  I had no one to stay with me and that was scary, but I did alright, you will too.  I take Milk Thistle for my liver and try to be kind to my organs by eating healthy.  I took Magnesium for a while too and am still on SAMe.

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On 12/22/2017 at 10:02 PM, Matahum said:

On top of everything regarding my ex's passing, I may be having a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) - spent last night in hospital emergency and went back for full abdominal ultrasound today, which they took almost an hour to do and possibly found other things outside of the gallbladder...  this on top of my grandmother having a breast biopsy and a liver scan... I don't know how much more I can take.

It's so hard to go through medical procedures when our partners are not around to support us.  I had my 1st phase of oral surgery a month ago and I still feel sad how I now have to take care of myself.  It would have been so nice if my wife was there to accompanied me through the process.   I'm sure our loved ones are with us in spirit.  But it's just not the same.

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On 12/23/2017 at 12:02 AM, Matahum said:

On top of everything regarding my ex's passing, I may be having a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) - spent last night in hospital emergency and went back for full abdominal ultrasound today, which they took almost an hour to do and possibly found other things outside of the gallbladder...  this on top of my grandmother having a breast biopsy and a liver scan... I don't know how much more I can take.

I am so sorry!  Situations that happen after we lose a loved one, especially health wise, can certainly makes us wonder how much can we take and try to handle.  You and your grandmother will be in my prayers!  Please keep us updated! (HUGS)

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Thanks for the thoughts.

 

I just found out this morning that my grandmother has breast cancer. I'm feeling pretty close to being done with life.

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I’m sorry to hear about this. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through so such pain.  I so wish I can just go to sleep and say bye-bye.  These days, I welcome death with open arms!

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

I’m sorry to hear about this. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through so such pain.  I so wish I can just go to sleep and say bye-bye.  These days, I welcome death with open arms!

I beg for death every single day, I am done with this pain and life. Starting of this year I found out that my grandma having cancer and i was so sad and shocked by this news but after loosing my husband I am no more concerned about Grandma anymore. I am having kind of satisfaction that at least she is in her old age but my husband gone in his 30. My uncle hospitalized from last week and I didn't go to meet him, I know I sound really harsh person but that's what I am now.  Nothing bothers me in that way it used to earlier. I was so soft from heart, if I saw any emotional thing on tv I started crying but now nothing melt my heart.

I was scared in my initial days that I am going to be harsh and bitter women and I guess its true now, I am harsh bad women who doesn't feel anything.

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18 hours ago, Matahum said:

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

I just found out this morning that my grandmother has breast cancer. I'm feeling pretty close to being done with life.

I am so sorry, Matahum.  I went through that with my MIL and one of my friends is a breast cancer survivor.  The "C" word is something none of us ever want to hear, but they are getting better and better at combatting breast cancer and there's good reason to believe she will beat it.  I'll add her to my prayers.

5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I beg for death every single day, I am done with this pain and life. Starting of this year I found out that my grandma having cancer and i was so sad and shocked by this news but after loosing my husband I am no more concerned about Grandma anymore. I am having kind of satisfaction that at least she is in her old age but my husband gone in his 30. My uncle hospitalized from last week and I didn't go to meet him, I know I sound really harsh person but that's what I am now.  Nothing bothers me in that way it used to earlier. I was so soft from heart, if I saw any emotional thing on tv I started crying but now nothing melt my heart.

I was scared in my initial days that I am going to be harsh and bitter women and I guess its true now, I am harsh bad women who doesn't feel anything.

You say nothing bothers you as it used to...you are undoubtedly numb, you've been through so much, and that has put things in a different perspective for you, as it does when we suffer such devastating loss.  

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, Matahum.  I went through that with my MIL and one of my friends is a breast cancer survivor.  The "C" word is something none of us ever want to hear, but they are getting better and better at combatting breast cancer and there's good reason to believe she will beat it.  I'll add her to my prayers.

You say nothing bothers you as it used to...you are undoubtedly numb, you've been through so much, and that has put things in a different perspective for you, as it does when we suffer such devastating loss.  

I am not sure if I am numb or not but the only thing make me cry is my loss  other than that I feel nothing. I am really bad person because I read in this forum that after this kind of loss people felt others pain more closely but I don't know why I don't feel others pain , I just cry for him and miss him other than that nothing bothers me at all.

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45 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I am not sure if I am numb or not but the only thing make me cry is my loss  other than that I feel nothing. I am really bad person because I read in this forum that after this kind of loss people felt others pain more closely but I don't know why I don't feel others pain , I just cry for him and miss him other than that nothing bothers me at all.

 

7 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I beg for death every single day, I am done with this pain and life. Starting of this year I found out that my grandma having cancer and i was so sad and shocked by this news but after loosing my husband I am no more concerned about Grandma anymore. I am having kind of satisfaction that at least she is in her old age but my husband gone in his 30. My uncle hospitalized from last week and I didn't go to meet him, I know I sound really harsh person but that's what I am now.  Nothing bothers me in that way it used to earlier. I was so soft from heart, if I saw any emotional thing on tv I started crying but now nothing melt my heart.

I was scared in my initial days that I am going to be harsh and bitter women and I guess its true now, I am harsh bad women who doesn't feel anything.

I think what you are feeling is absolutely fine and normal.  Sometimes the grief is so overwhelming to us that we do not have any time and energy to expend on handling other people's grief.

I experienced this first hand during my earlier months when I lost my wife.  There was a series of misfortune around the U.S., hurricanes, Las Vegas sniper shooting, and then several towns that burned up just north of my area because of a fire.

During these "tragedies," I didn't care.  Although everyone out there in my area was talking these developments, I was absolutely numb to it and I didn't give a f**k.  In fact, I even said during one of my grief support groups that I would be more than happy than to give my life to one of those Las Vegas victims, who wanted to live .... because I surely do not.

When we are grieving, we need to be kind to ourselves.  We need to give ourselves what we need.  Because what we go through takes up a lot of our energy.  It is like we are working trauma 24/7.  Well, it's not really like but it in fact is!    So I think you are fine just thinking about yourself and not anyone else right now.  That's all that is expected of you.

I do envy a bit about seeing older people.  My wife died in her 30s as well.    It's not fair but what else can I do?   I do notice that more recently, I am more connected only with people who has lost a partner.   I am now somewhat distanced from other losses (ie. loss of sibling, loss of a parent).   In fact, it actually annoys me when I go to a joint grief support group and people talk about the loss of a parent -- who was in their 90s.   

I don't know.  When I think about my loss, I see a tragedy.   With other deaths, not so...... especially when you've lived a full life like into your 90s!

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