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Matahum

I don't want to continue on without him

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Hang in there, Matahum. Feeling anger is okay. That emotion actually can be helpful when dealing with the pain and the injustice's of the situation .Anger can be the catalyst behind being proactive with things, in a positive, logical way of course. You are on the right course with gaining in getting your cat back home with you. The cat is the bond of love between you and your loved one.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

You've got it!  You'll make your way through this Francine, you have a good core, it's just all such a long hard process...trust it will work.

It is a unending process but I do have a good core - actually the best - God Almighty.  Thank you KayC, I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're a God-send.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

I feel the same way!  It's like you had a turning point, Azipod, and changed almost overnight.  Do not be surprised if you get knocked down again, such is the way with grief, just get up and keep going, you're in an up time right now.  I've learned to let it flow, kind of like surfing/riding the waves.
 

I've noticed TooDevastated's absence, kind of worries me.  

Thank you, KayC.   I know, feeling better now (obviously a relative term) indirectly creates fear within me.  I know I was in a very dark dark place in the earlier months and I am absolutely frighten to back slide into that state again.     I'm working with my grief each day.   Each day is a new day, and a new challenge.   Even handling the administrative work for my dear wife has been exhausting.   The other day, I went down to CostCo to sort out our membership.   They wanted to see my wife's death certificate before they would agree to change anything!   Oh c'mon.   Who on earth brings a death certificate to a warehouse club!!!???   so annoying!    My bank, on the other hand had no issues removing my wife's name from the mortgage.   It's interesting how some big things/changes can be done so easily while some minor things can be so cumbersome!

 

 

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20 hours ago, Matahum said:

I miss him... And I'm angry that it's already been 11 days and that time won't stop. I'm angry because this shouldn't have happened to him. I'm angry that I never got to say goodbye or tell him I was sorry. I'm angry because his mom hasn't bothered to contact me (but contacted one of his long-time-ago partners he wasn't even with for that long). I'm angry that the apartment has been emptied, I'm angry that I'll never be able to collect our things that were ours together (because who knows what his mom did with them). The only saving grace is that our cat will go to the foster home and I will eventually get her home.

Matahum.   All I can say is that it is OK to be angry at everything.  You have every right to be.   You didn't deserve this.  None of us did.  It is not fear that you have to endure this pain, go through the grief work, and then at the end, still be left in the same position as you are now.   It is completely unfair.     Having anger is part of the grief journey.  I didn't have much of this, but I did have it blended into my initial shock/denial period.   I haven't experienced anger since... but every person's grief journey is going to be different.      Try to find an outlet for your feelings.   It's still very early and I'm sure you will see more variations of these feelings down the line.

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14 hours ago, Azipod said:

They wanted to see my wife's death certificate before they would agree to change anything! 

That's weird, I was able to put my daughter on my Costco card when he died, they didn't ask to see anything!  They must have changed their policy.  Paypal was the one I had a hard time with, they wouldn't let me close his account (which was linked to my work email...we'd created it when our other account was acting up) with SPEAKING to him!  Good grief, even the IRS wasn't that bad!

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14 days.

One thing I know for certain... Grief is not linear.

I have struggled with insomnia for over 15 years, and the only times I ever slept well and through the night were next to him. The past few nights I've been sleeping through the night and waking up feeling more rested and in a good mood. This was after I asked him to stay with me at night... As if he was actually there, but maybe he is.

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27 minutes ago, Matahum said:

have struggled with insomnia for over 15 years, and the only times I ever slept well and through the night were next to him. The past few nights I've been sleeping through the night and waking up feeling more rested and in a good mood. This was after I asked him to stay with me at night... As if he was actually there, but maybe he is.

If you have been sleeping without insomnia issues, I would take it as a sign that he is with you at night. They do whatever they can to bring us comfort.

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8 hours ago, Matahum said:

I have struggled with insomnia for over 15 years, and the only times I ever slept well and through the night were next to him. The past few nights I've been sleeping through the night and waking up feeling more rested and in a good mood. This was after I asked him to stay with me at night... As if he was actually there, but maybe he is.

This sounds beautiful and is very possible.  Keep an open mind.   Our loved ones will take care and comfort us if we allow them to do so.

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23 hours ago, Matahum said:

14 days.

One thing I know for certain... Grief is not linear.

I have struggled with insomnia for over 15 years, and the only times I ever slept well and through the night were next to him. The past few nights I've been sleeping through the night and waking up feeling more rested and in a good mood. This was after I asked him to stay with me at night... As if he was actually there, but maybe he is.

That is so special!  I'm glad for you.

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Thank you everyone for the kind words. The kitties are safe at the foster home and are settling in very quickly. I have managed to get enough money together to get my kitty spayed and vaccinated and the foster home is going to take care of getting that done for me. Once she is spayed and healed she will have to go back to a vet for a health and acclimation certificate in order to fly and she must fly within 10 days of those being issued.

Knowing my kitty is safe has given me a bit of peace but it's also left me with nothing but the grief to really focus on and it's been difficult. I am trying to keep busy and not shut myself away despite wanting to. I so desperately wish he wasn't gone.

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3 hours ago, Matahum said:

Knowing my kitty is safe has given me a bit of peace but it's also left me with nothing but the grief to really focus on and it's been difficult. I am trying to keep busy and not shut myself away despite wanting to. I so desperately wish he wasn't gone.

I am glad to hear the cats are being taken care of and soon you will have your cat returning to you.

The part you wrote about nothing left to focus on but your grief resonates. I thought I was doing fairly well the first month. I had my husband's end of life wishes to take care of. I dealt with the priority things. I left a lot of the superficial things till later, termination of cellphone, joint accounts, etc. I was wrong in feeling I could handle the small things just fine. Once I got the major things out of the way, I totally bombed out. The grieving hit so hard and it was constant. The pain was so cruel and the thoughts seeping in that my husband was permanently gone. He wasn't on a long trip somewhere or in an extended hospital stay, where I was left to hold down the fort and take care of things for awhile. All I had left were those small things that had his name on them. All I had left was the pain and loneliness of his loss. All I had left was this crappy grieving.

Hang in there, Matahum. You are in good company here with the rest of us.:(

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Matahum,

I'm glad everything is proceeding towards your cats coming home to you, it will help you to have something to focus on once you are taking care of them yourself.  I know this sounds terrible, I'm really not an unstable person, but sometimes it feels like too much to go on without my husband, and it's good for me to have my dog and cat to take care of.  I'd never end my life, but the thoughts come unbidden sometimes when things are overwhelming.  For myself, it helps to have them to come home to and not be alone all the time, plus focusing on taking care of them and giving them good quality care gives some purpose.

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23 hours ago, KayC said:

Matahum,

I'm glad everything is proceeding towards your cats coming home to you, it will help you to have something to focus on once you are taking care of them yourself.  I know this sounds terrible, I'm really not an unstable person, but sometimes it feels like too much to go on without my husband, and it's good for me to have my dog and cat to take care of.  I'd never end my life, but the thoughts come unbidden sometimes when things are overwhelming.  For myself, it helps to have them to come home to and not be alone all the time, plus focusing on taking care of them and giving them good quality care gives some purpose.

Thanks for this. I really relate. I have two horses, a dog, a bird, and a cat (hopefully coming home before Christmas) and I know that if I didn't have them I probably wouldn't be here right now. They have kept me going through all of this because I don't know what would happen to them if I wasn't around to take care of them. It's true what they say, that sometimes our best friends never say a word to us.

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9 hours ago, Matahum said:

 It's true what they say, that sometimes our best friends never say a word to us.

Very profound. Our pets loyalty, unconditional love and their presence, is all that is needed.

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23 hours ago, Matahum said:

They have kept me going through all of this because I don't know what would happen to them if I wasn't around to take care of them.

So you do understand what I mean.  It helps so much to feel we're not off kilter with how we're feeling and responding!
 

 

23 hours ago, Matahum said:

It's true what they say, that sometimes our best friends never say a word to us.

I so agree, our pets are wonderful family to us!

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His funeral is on the 28th in Antigua at 10 AM.

I can't go because I simply can't afford the flight on short notice, it's over $2000 round trip.

I don't really have any words to express what I'm feeling right now.

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I'm sorry, Matahum.  Is there someone who could videotape it and send it to you?  We taped my husband's funeral for his kids because they live clear across the US and couldn't afford the trip home.

Perhaps you can have your own private time during the service where you are paying your respects to him.  I know it's not the same, but, maybe it'd help a bit.

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Matahum, I am so sorry as well ,that you are unable to go to the service. KayC's idea is a great one, if someone could record and send to you.  Her other suggestion of having your own private time would be something I'd do. Light a candle and talk to him. Letting him know you are thinking of him, will bring you a level of peace and comfort. He will be there with you. (HUGS)

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I too am sorry you can’t attend the service of your soulmate, Matahum.  This must be causing you so much pain and my heart aches for you.  To add to Kayc’s suggestion, I would also give thought to writing a tribute and have someone read it out at the service.  

Sending strength, love and hugs. XX

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I am sorry that you cannot attend his funeral.  I too, given the circumstances, would likely meditate, do my own prayer, and light a candle during the same time.    It is entirely proper to do your own service for him and be there in spirit.   Our loved ones who crossed over to the other side do not have logistical issues.   They can be with you in spirit where ever you are as long as your set your intentions correctly.  What you do half way across the world is just the same as doing it right there.   It doesn't matter so don't worry about not being able to fly there.

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And he wouldn't feel your efforts any less than theirs.  He will be present with you wherever you are.

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Thank you all for the kindness. I've given this a lot of thought, and I don't really want to watch the funeral live or from a recording. It has been incredibly hard grieving without being contacted by his mother or sister or being able to get her contact information. I did ask his cousin to get her address for me but I've yet to be given the information. I am friends with some of his family on facebook but nobody seems to want to give up that information.

I'm really uncomfortable with the whole thing - I'm going through some intense emotions of anger and hurt and sadness and they keep rotating - not just the emotions, but who they're directed at. I know this is supposedly normal, and yet it is complex at the same time. There are days when I feel okay and days when I feel like I am back at square one, as if I just got the news minutes ago. All I can do is repeat to myself that life isn't fair, because it really isn't, but I have to accept it because life doesn't care that it's not fair.

Even if I wanted to book the flight right now and completely max out what is left of my credit card funds, I wouldn't arrive to the funeral in time because I live so far and the connections have long layover times.

So tomorrow while I am forcing myself to get through house sitting chores and laundry and errands, I will have him on my mind. Not that he has left it at all anyway.

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Matahum,

It seems you're in complicated grief...not that grief isn't always complicated, but you have other things that make it more so than usual.  That can be difficult to navigate and it might warrant a visit to a professional grief counselor to help you find your way through this maze of grief, just a thought.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/04/what-is-complicated-grief.html  There are many links at the bottom of this article that are good to look at.

Thinking of you as you go through this, my heart is with you.  I wish you could hear from his family.

 

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Matahum, My thoughts, prayers and heart are also with you. I am sorry your partner's family is not showing empathy and compromising in any way. It is so sad that grieving can sometimes bring out the worst behaviors.

It is okay to have the emotions of anger, resentment, extreme hurt. They ARE your emotions and you have every right to feel them and direct them at whomever. It is part of the process to express those feelings. They need to be let out and faced, in order to help you heal. The feelings and emotions are temporary and constantly change. They will get less intense over time.

What is most important, is that you and your partner know your feelings for each other. You both know your relationship better than others did. The love bond can never be broken and your memories cannot be taken away. He will always be with you and waiting for you.

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Thank you all.

I was able to get the numbers of his sister and his mother today from his best friend.

I sent his sister a message on whatsapp as his friend said that is the best way to contact her.

I feel a little bit better, as I await her reply.

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