Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Matahum

I don't want to continue on without him

Recommended Posts

On Oct 19th I lost the love of my life, just two days shy of his 37th birthday. He was a healthy, fit man (he did moderate-heavy exercise 6 days a week and was muscular), and this was sudden and unexpected. He didn't have health insurance because put simply, American healthcare sucks and he couldn't afford it this past year (even got an exemption letter from Obamacare so he didn't have to pay any penalty). He passed away after having a severe asthma attack that sent him into cardiac arrest.

We had split in early April after over 4 years together because we both needed space, but I was planning on sending him a message for his birthday and to see if we could work on things and try again. I have an enormous amount of guilt because I used to make sure he was buying his Flonase and taking care of himself and I keep thinking if we had still been together I could have been on his case about sucking it up and seeing a doctor and ensuring he was taking his meds. He used ventolin like it was candy and I think that decreased its effectiveness over time.

To add insult to injury, his three cats now have no home, and I'm trying to 1. get the cat we adopted together up to Canada and 2. get the other two cats into a no-kill shelter or rescue. He has very few family members that are local, his mother had to fly from overseas to deal with everything, and I cannot afford to fly down there to help, so I'm trying to do everything via phone and the internet where the cats are concerned, and I've been talking back and forth with his cousin (only local family there) in an attempt to place the cats.

I did find a foster that can take my cat (our cat), but it's 3 hours and 45 minutes drive away, and I can't find anyone to make that trip... And I've been contacting rescues and animal transport companies with no luck. It's really hard to arrange things when I'm in Canada and the cats are in Atlanta. She is the last link I have to him and it's so important that I get her here. 

I feel very helpless and I can't keep it together for more than a half hour. I found out the day it happened and I went to the ER that night with chest pain which the doctor there said I had internalized a panic attack, he gave me a pink lady and an ativan and sent me home. My blood pressure was 170/115 at the hospital and I haven't checked it since I got home. I did see my family doctor yesterday and he has given me a medication called Luvox which he says should help me sleep, help with the depression, calm my anxiety and my OCD because all of that is co-morbid and the symptoms have skyrocketed since his death.

This all comes at a bad time, where I'm financially strapped because my dog has been ill since early October, and I've spent all of my financial windfall on her diagnostic testing and medications. She is slowly getting better (it seems she is, I hope she continues to get better). Of course I was told to start a gofundme to try and get the money to get my cat home and so I did and have had a few donations so far (it will be very expensive because my ex never spayed any of the three cats nor rabies vaccines) but the fact still remains that I don't have a lot of time left to find this cat a ride to her foster home (the foster home can't do it because she has 15 cats and 8 dogs at her place as fosters and she home schools her children so she can't make that long of a drive). I even offered to pay for gas for someone to do it. I don't have that many friends in Atlanta (like 1, and she's got a bad back problem and isn't allowed to drive) and my partner didn't have many local friends as he is originally from the Caribbean and was a very private person dedicated to work and finishing his degree... Which would have been completed this January.

I don't know what to do with myself - Nothing stops the pain, I am constantly swallowing lumps in my throat and crying hysterically gives me a migraine and stresses my already-unwell dog out. His mother hasn't contacted me but I am guessing either she is upset because we split or she is just overwhelmed at the loss of her only son just a few short weeks after she returned home from spending a month with him at his place and now she has to pack up his things and deal with all his financial business. I guess the only possible saving grace was that he bought life insurance last year, and I hope that she was eligible to receive the benefit which he was paying for, as it will help her to sort everything out.

It's as if for brief moments I forget he is gone and then it hits me and I lose my mind over it. It hasn't even been a year since I last saw him (our last visit was Nov 2016). I don't want to continue this life without him. I've been having suicidal ideations and so far the only things that have been keeping me going are the animals and the fact that I need to get our kitty home to me. She was a stray and she doesn't deserve to be that again - or worse - put down. We didn't have any kids together (they were a plan for the future) but the cat is like our kid.

I have posted some things about it on my personal facebook but I feel like people can't understand unless they have been through it. I feel like this is going to make me go insane and I don't know what to do to make it go away.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Matahum,

Welcome.  I'm sorry for what you're going through, but you will definitely find understanding and sympathy here.  Write as often as you need to.

Right now you're in the eye of the hurricane, and it's a horrible place to be.  Use what energy you have to get yourself from point A... to point B... to point C... and so on.  It's a cliche, but take one small step at a time.

HUGS.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Matahum,

I am so sorry for your loss.  All of the feelings you experience about you wish you'd done this or that, that is all common, we go through it as a way of looking for a different possible outcome, but we don't have the benefit o hindsight beforehand, we do our best, and take each day as it comes.  I really hope you find someone willing to make the trip to get your cat home.  Have you thought of contacting a radio station in his area to put out the plea for help?  Also a news station?  They might be able to post the gofundme account on their website too.  
I'm glad your dog is doing better and I pray you find strength for each day, try to take one day at a time, it's all we can do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Matahum,

I am sorry for your loss and the complex situation it has brought to you.Guilt is a common feeling when we lose our beloveds. We think about the "what ifs," as our mind is trying to take in and process what happened. We want so desperately to be able to go back in time and change the outcome. Please stop beating yourself up. You had no way of knowing ahead of time what was going to happen.We love our partners so much and we feel a sense of responsibility that we should have been with them and tried to save them. We had no control over what happened and we feel guilty about it. That burden of guilt does fade away, when our minds clear of the brain fog and we can think with a little more clarity.

I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you, in coping with your loss, the fact you can't be there, finding a way to have the cats taken care of, all from a long distance. The long distance just adds to the stress and the pain. My heart breaks for you.You feel totally helpless and I can understand that.That is another feeling of loss. Depending on the situation before our loss, we feel helpless in not being able to keep our loved one with us and we feel helpless after. We are so lost, confused, devastated.

I sincerely hope you find a way of getting the one cat back to you and the other two in a safe place so they are able to find a new home. I also hope your dog continues on improving. I know that if it wasn't for my own pets, when I lost my husband, I truly don't know how I would have made it this far. They have given me a reason to get up every day.

Please, do your best to take care of yourself. Stay on top of your health. You will need your strength to keep coping.Take everything one step at a time and make time just to sit, relax and breathe. Just breathe. I hope your partner's mom will reach out to you when she has the opportunity and the will to do so. I will be praying for her as well. It is hard for a parent to lose a child.

Sending you prayers for continued strength, comfort and peace.  (HUGS)

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Matahum, I am so sorry that you have become a new member of our club.

Losing a partner is extremely difficult.  It is going to be one of the most, if not the most, devastating losses you will ever encounter in your lifetime.  I don't want to sugar coat anything for you but I would like to keep you informed of what's going to happen.   Over the next few months, you will go into intense shock both physically and psycologically.  You will begin to feel various intensity and layers of sadness like you have never felt before.  At times, you will be completely overwhelmed and you will feel that there is no more purpose for you in life.   Along with this, you will experience various levels of pain along with the grief that will lurk and follow you around 24/7 like a shadow.

The good part about this is that you will survive.  You will have supporters -- we are all here.  You are not alone.   You will also need to put together a support system for yourself.  It is not something to do overnight, but your support-system will evolve over time.

The sudden loss of a partner is difficult to absorb.  The truth of the matter is that no one is ever prepared.  You can never be prepared.  Right off the bat,  I think you've realized that not only do you have the loss of your bf (primary loss), you're already suffering from other things such as the cats, dog, finances, your health (secondary losses).  Be mindful to note these issues and seek help where you can.  There's a saying .... when it rains... it pours.

As far as the guilt you are feeling ... just know that it is normal.  The way you want to process "survivors guilt" is by not looking at your actions, or inactions.  Rather, focus on your intent.  If you really focus on the intentions, more likely than not your actions were a result of love.    But do know that its normal to feel some guilt.   But there is no reason to blame yourself here.  If we can all see the future, we would have no problems in our life.   Just remember to think about the intent.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.  It will be a bumpy ride but we will all still be here grieving for ourselves, and everyone else here.  Come back and post as often as you need.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for the kind replies. I have finally found transport for both my cat and one of my partner's other cats to the foster home. They will get there tomorrow. And then I will begin the process of saving money to try and get my cat home to me here in Canada.

In one way I can breathe a sigh of relief that the cats are safe. But now I am faced fully with the reality that the love of my life is gone, and I don't want to accept it. Every day I wake up (if I'm lucky enough to sleep) hoping it is all a bad, bad nightmare but it isn't. It is reality and I don't want it to be real.

Since his death, he has given me signs - Firstly, I rearranged my entire bedroom, and came across movie tickets from over two years ago when we went to a movie together. If I hadn't of rearranged the bedroom, I'd have never found them hiding under a CD stand on my desk.

Then, I was compelled, despite being in sheer emotional agony, to read his love letters he had written me over the years, and came across one from February 2016 that said "It's kind of scary how quickly time is going by, but I suppose that's just how it is. Time is just going to keep on moving and we can't do anything to stop it. All we can do is make the most of life and enjoy it while we can."

Then the other night I was almost asleep and felt a very obvious pressing down on the mattress next to me. At first I thought maybe it was the dog but then I realized she was locked in her crate for the night. I slept surprisingly well that night (it was before I started the Luvox).

Then today... Was driving home from town and along the ocean front there were orcas swimming in a small group off shore in the fog. They almost never, ever come in that close to shore.

I miss him so much, and I wish I had contacted him sooner. I wish so many things that will never happen now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Isn't it amazing how we can get such obvious signs that are physically impossible, totally unexplainable, and yet...there they are.  It is because it is unexplainable that we can believe in these signs! 

I'm glad you're halfway there with your cats, I hope you can soon get them home, I think you'll feel relieved once that happens. 

All of us have this one thing in common...we wish we could go back and do this or that...we didn't know, we had no idea that moment would be our last.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Matahum,

I am glad to hear that some progress is being made to get the cats where they need to be.

We all wish we were in a nightmare that we can wake up from. But, we know it isn't. This reality without our loved one hurts so very much. The pain goes right to the core of us and it never goes away. We get up each day with this unwanted, lonely life and we end the day the same way.

I am glad you have had some signs. We live for those unexplainable happenings as evidence that our loved one is still with us in some way.

Keep us posted on how you are coping and remember, step by step and day by day.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Matahum said:

Time is just going to keep on moving and we can't do anything to stop it. All we can do is make the most of life and enjoy it while we can."

I am so sorry for your loss.  So true your statement and I think that is what our loved ones would want us to do.  I think we can all learn to count our blessings, not our problems; Practice Kindness - it is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see; Let go of what we can't control; Listen to our heart, it knows things our minds can't explain; Be productive, yet calm; in other words, Just Breathe; let go and let God!  When our earthly pilgrimage is complete and we make our transition to heaven, I believe our loved ones will be the first ones to welcome us home. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's amazing how you are getting signs so early.  Continue to be "open minded" and you will see more over time.  Unfortunately, our loved ones cannot come to us every day so in reality, we will see signs in a sporadic manner, and they will come when you least expect them to.   I've also accepted that after the initial loss period, their return will be less frequent over time.  However, they will still drop in so as you allow them to do so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/29/2017 at 5:35 AM, KayC said:

All of us have this one thing in common...we wish we could go back and do this or that...we didn't know, we had no idea that moment would be our last.

Oh, I so wish that I can erase the entire 2017-year.    :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Francine said:

Let go of what we can't control; Listen to our heart, it knows things our minds can't explain; Be productive, yet calm; in other words, Just Breathe; let go ....

Francine, this is really good advice and it is exactly this that has gotten me to where I am today.  Today, I am managing my feelings, my life, myself as an individual, in a purposeful manner.

I've acknowledged what has happened and although it is very tragic, I've come to recognizing that death, is a part of life.  While we cannot control the timing, and the manner in which we or are loved one dies, what we can do is to acknowledge that they have went through the transition -- the special transition to another beautiful place in which we too, will get to experience one day.   The heart is really the part of the body that helps us through this grief and life journey.  The brain will only confuse us.  By using our heart, we can recognize the value of our lives, and how our special person has contributed to our own special life.  We see our love, our passion, and our strength and we can truly feel the intangible feelings and emotions that are hearts deliver to our body.   It is sombering, but can be beautiful at the same time.   While we are on this journey, we also need to find the new us.  We need to be productive and find the inner us.   We need to find our calling.   And while we are doing this, it's nice to just breath and let it all go.  Meditation has worked for me.   We need to be free, let it go, and recognize that our life is what it is ... that our higher being, will continue to take care of us.  And everything, will fall in place one day.   We just need to keep strong and keep doing our work each day.  Things will happen down the line.  It will make sense at the end.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Francine and Azipod, You both have a profound, beautiful way of expressing words.! Thank you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Azipod said:

  And everything, will fall in place one day.   We just need to keep strong and keep doing our work each day.  Things will happen down the line.  It will make sense at the end.

All I can say is Amen!  Thank you for your post; it amazes me how God sends people into our lives to say the right words, HIS words,- just when we need it the most.  Your post truly helped me, especially today. Thanks again!

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Azipod said:

Oh, I so wish that I can erase the entire 2017-year.    :(

December 19, 2004.  That is the real day, for that is the day he sustained permanent heart damage that caused his heart to ultimately fail six months to the day later.  We just didn't know it at the time.  Nothing short of a heart transplant would have saved him but by the time we learned the full extent, it was the fateful weekend he died and it was too late...by that time he never would have survived surgery even had a heart been readily available.  I would have given him mine, but then he would be suffering instead of me.  If we could go back and change things, we still couldn't, we wouldn't have known, we didn't have the power to avert what happened.  At least not us, not in these circumstances.  

One thing I am glad of, we told each other often and continually that we loved each other, we cuddled all the time, we put each other priority in our lives, we lived our love to the fullest.  Of that I can have no regrets.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Azipod said:

Francine, this is really good advice and it is exactly this that has gotten me to where I am today.  Today, I am managing my feelings, my life, myself as an individual, in a purposeful manner.

I've acknowledged what has happened and although it is very tragic, I've come to recognizing that death, is a part of life.  While we cannot control the timing, and the manner in which we or are loved one dies, what we can do is to acknowledge that they have went through the transition -- the special transition to another beautiful place in which we too, will get to experience one day.   The heart is really the part of the body that helps us through this grief and life journey.  The brain will only confuse us.  By using our heart, we can recognize the value of our lives, and how our special person has contributed to our own special life.  We see our love, our passion, and our strength and we can truly feel the intangible feelings and emotions that are hearts deliver to our body.   It is sombering, but can be beautiful at the same time.   While we are on this journey, we also need to find the new us.  We need to be productive and find the inner us.   We need to find our calling.   And while we are doing this, it's nice to just breath and let it all go.  Meditation has worked for me.   We need to be free, let it go, and recognize that our life is what it is ... that our higher being, will continue to take care of us.  And everything, will fall in place one day.   We just need to keep strong and keep doing our work each day.  Things will happen down the line.  It will make sense at the end.

Beautiful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/29/2017 at 2:44 PM, Francine said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  So true your statement and I think that is what our loved ones would want us to do.  I think we can all learn to count our blessings, not our problems; Practice Kindness - it is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see; Let go of what we can't control; Listen to our heart, it knows things our minds can't explain; Be productive, yet calm; in other words, Just Breathe; let go and let God!  When our earthly pilgrimage is complete and we make our transition to heaven, I believe our loved ones will be the first ones to welcome us home. 

Good and practical advice!

I love you guys here.  One of the benefits of this journey is learning so much that is profound.  Just wish we could have learned it another way but this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 hours ago, Azipod said:

Oh, I so wish that I can erase the entire 2017-year.    :(

Oh i wish that too, I want to erase this year from my life completely.

Azipod , I am so amazed to see your progress, you are providing so much comfort to people like us. I remember when we were so new here, your and mine angel date is so close and I remember all those initial days, we both were so shattered, so much in pain , we were so scared about weekends ( we still scared somehow) and discussed about weekends but now you becoming different person in good way and I am sure your wife must be so proud of you.

I am glad you are progressing little by little and your words gives comfort to me as well.

Thank you so much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, KayC said:

One thing I am glad of, we told each other often and continually that we loved each other, we cuddled all the time, we put each other priority in our lives, we lived our love to the fullest.  Of that I can have no regrets.

 

Oh my God; same here.  My Charles was not the overly romantic, but when he told me he loved me, that was music to my ears and when he caressed me, I was butter in his arms; how I long for that again.  We too lived our lives to the fullest and were so happy with much anticipation for our future since we both retired.  We had so many plans and all the time in the world to do them; or so I thought.   That all changed on the day that changed me forever - the day God called him home.  Now I'm half a person; it's somewhat hard to explain, but the happy, smiling, upbeat, lively, peaceful me went away with Charles and what remained is the depressed, miserable, sad, discouraged, unhappy me. :(  Pray for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
35 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Azipod , I am so amazed to see your progress, you are providing so much comfort to people like us. I remember when we were so new here, your and mine angel date is so close and I remember all those initial days, we both were so shattered, so much in pain , we were so scared about weekends ( we still scared somehow) and discussed about weekends but now you becoming different person in good way and I am sure your wife must be so proud of you.

I am glad you are progressing little by little and your words gives comfort to me as well.

Thank you so much.

Thanks, LoveGoli.  I am so glad to see you again.   Unfortunately, "TooDevastated" has disappeared.  I hope we will see her back on the forum soon.

Much appreciate the positive comments and I, like everyone else here, have been working really hard at processing the grief.  I am really trying to get in touch with my feelings, my body, and who I am.  I've discovered that there is a driver, a calling, within me that's waiting for me to tap into.  There is energy there, within my heart, that can keep me going and show me the path for my life.  I just need to keep working at this and trust the "high power" that I and everyone else will be taken care of.  

Even though I have made progress, I know that I've only emerged from one of many layers of grief.  Days are still difficult, but they are bearable.   I somewhat feel like I've graduated from an "infant to a toddler."  Previously, as an infant, I was completely reliant on my wife (such as an infant relies on his/her mother).  I needed her by my side, all the time.  I need constant comfort.  She was my world.  I felt that if she was not around, I cannot function.   Now, at the toddler-level, I've learned that I can function, though at times I will still resort to my basic needs. But I am able to see that there are other things out there, and that life will continue to move, and my own self will continue to evolve with or without my wife.  Through the experience, which I have no control over, I've realized that it is possible to continue each day, and make each day what I want to make of it.  In short, I can build, or re-build, whichever way you want to call it, my life.   It is possible.

Perhaps down the line, my grief world will evolve to the level of a "child, teenager, young adult, before being emancipated."  Even then,  there will still be a lot of grief work to do.

In all, I think we all need to discover a way how we can cherish and remember our lost partners each day. Maybe it's meditation each night, or a moment of silence each day.  Either way, it's learning how to incorporate our late partners/spouses into our new life.    The new life will continue, and we will continue to grow.  We just need to find a way to include them with us, in a positive manner, each day.   That's the only way we can continue.... 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LoveGoli, Thank you for checking in. Each of us worry about others here.  Keep plugging away, day by day. It is the only way to travel this grief road.

Azipod, Great, well thought out post. Each step we take eventually brings us to another milestone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I miss him... And I'm angry that it's already been 11 days and that time won't stop. I'm angry because this shouldn't have happened to him. I'm angry that I never got to say goodbye or tell him I was sorry. I'm angry because his mom hasn't bothered to contact me (but contacted one of his long-time-ago partners he wasn't even with for that long). I'm angry that the apartment has been emptied, I'm angry that I'll never be able to collect our things that were ours together (because who knows what his mom did with them). The only saving grace is that our cat will go to the foster home and I will eventually get her home.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Francine said:

Pray for me.

You've got it!  You'll make your way through this Francine, you have a good core, it's just all such a long hard process...trust it will work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Azipod , I am so amazed to see your progress, you are providing so much comfort to people like us

I feel the same way!  It's like you had a turning point, Azipod, and changed almost overnight.  Do not be surprised if you get knocked down again, such is the way with grief, just get up and keep going, you're in an up time right now.  I've learned to let it flow, kind of like surfing/riding the waves.
 

I've noticed TooDevastated's absence, kind of worries me.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Matahum said:

I miss him... And I'm angry that it's already been 11 days and that time won't stop. I'm angry because this shouldn't have happened to him. I'm angry that I never got to say goodbye or tell him I was sorry. I'm angry because his mom hasn't bothered to contact me (but contacted one of his long-time-ago partners he wasn't even with for that long). I'm angry that the apartment has been emptied, I'm angry that I'll never be able to collect our things that were ours together (because who knows what his mom did with them). The only saving grace is that our cat will go to the foster home and I will eventually get her home.

I feel your pain.  I can't wait for you to get your cat back, I think it'll bring you some comfort and relief.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×