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I don't want to continue on without him


Matahum

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I’m pleased you were able to get contact numbers for your partner’s family, Matahum,

I sincerely hope his sister replies to your message.  

Sending you strength, love and hugs XX

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I'm glad you finally have a way to contact them.  I hope you hear back from them soon!  I imagine they are struggling too.  

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I heard from her. They have been waiting a long time to hear from me. The woman who contacted me about his death (a long ago ex that surprisingly nobody knows he wasn't that fond of, but that was always his way, he never made ripples and was full of kindness) was nasty in refusing to give me the contact info I needed, so all of us ended up needlessly waiting 6 weeks to finally converse. Maybe we were meant to wait that long so the emotions had time to become at least a little more balanced. I believe everything in life happens exactly as it should, no coincidences. 

I was able to get out some of my feelings, and I got his mother's address so that I may send a letter and some very recent photos of him that I have.

Admittedly I want to say I feel better, but at the same time talking to his sister, and her confirming his death, and discussing the funeral, made it all so real and permanent and I lost it. I was glad it was early morning and I was still in bed at the time, so I could deal with the breakdown privately.

He has been buried in Antigua, so in the future, I will be able to go there, and visit the body he left behind.

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Matahum,   I am glad you finally were able to make contact. I know how hard it was on you, but it was also needed, as part of the healing, for everyone.  Sending a letter and photos to his mom, will be much appreciated. You have a giving heart, amidst your own grieving. Your partner is proud of you for keeping that open heart.

Maybe the 6 week wait was for the reason you convey. I also believe some things in this life happen the way they are meant to. We do have free will to make our choices, but some things are not under our control, as all of us here can attest to.

I hope in the future, you are able to make that trip to Antigua. Your heart will let you know when you are ready.

Has your cat made his way back to you?

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Matahum,

I'm glad you were finally able to get that contact and it hopefully gives you some answers, and also that you could do so privately.  I also hope with you that you can go to Antigua when you are ready and pay your respects.

As for the ex, she's a non issue, people will see in her what he figured out long ago.

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Thanks for the kind words. He did remain friends with many exes, but oddly enough, he was always open and honest about it, and had zero interest in them romantically. I'm also not normally a jealous person as I am confident in myself and was very confident in the security of our relationship and feelings for each other. His sister said he took our breakup really hard, and so his long-ago ex, who he remained friends with, was apparently just overprotective because of that. I'm letting it go, but honestly, it wasn't her place at all to decide whether I get to contact his mother or not. 

He also told his family that I was his soul mate, that he loved me more than anyone he'd ever been with, etc... It's hard thinking about those words because I wanted to reconcile and did not get that chance.

My cat won't be here for Christmas, she came into heat shortly after getting to the foster home, so we have to wait to have her spayed. I am also still slowly saving the money while trying to make Christmas a reality here for my family and friends. It's a lot of stress, admittedly, but thankfully my little kitty is safe with someone who has now become a pretty good friend (the foster home). I'm also debating just flying down to my friend's in FL in February and spending a week or so there and during that time make the 3 hour drive to the foster home to get my kitty and just bring her on the plane home with me underneath the seat in the cabin. It'll either be the same price or cheaper than cargo, and less stressful for her.

I think I'm going to need to give myself a LOT of time before I will be ready to go to Antigua to see his grave and his family. I had a really bad day today where the grief is concerned and this is probably not something that is going to be better in 6 months or even a year. I don't want to make the hole in my heart worse by going when things are still raw.

 

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Matahum,

Oh I hope for you so much that you can do this!

9 hours ago, Matahum said:

I'm also debating just flying down to my friend's in FL in February and spending a week or so there and during that time make the 3 hour drive to the foster home to get my kitty and just bring her on the plane home with me underneath the seat in the cabin. It'll either be the same price or cheaper than cargo, and less stressful for her.

I'm glad his family told you that he loved you more than anyone he'd ever been with, those words are worth more than gold to your soul!  Know that had you had more time availed to you, the two of you would have indeed reconciled, as you felt that way deep within you.  How you must feel knowing he felt you were his soulmate!  That is how my husband and I felt.  I can make friends with many men in my lifetime, but there is only my George that I felt that way about as a soulmate.  We were on the same plane, we understood each other.  Did we ever have problems?  Yes, I don't think anyone together long enough escapes that, but we worked on them, and always knew we meant the world to each other.

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11 hours ago, Matahum said:

I had a really bad day today where the grief is concerned and this is probably not something that is going to be better in 6 months or even a year. I don't want to make the hole in my heart worse by going when things are still raw.

Hi Matahum,  I felt pretty shitty all weekend too.  I'm still new on the journey and there's still a bit of "rawness" to it -- but I've pretty much gotten more than a foot into the reality now.   It actually does get worst before it gets better.  It's just different.  But your thoughts on the grief timeline is absolutely correct.  There is no timeline.  We don't know when it's going to end.  It's different for everyone and different for every relationship that is lost.   We can put arbitrary numbers like 6-months, 1-year, 5-years, etc.   I thought that I would be fairly solid but sad at 6-months.  But coming up to it now, I've realized that there's really no need to think and state about timeline commitments.  You just have to do what you have to do.  Sometimes you think you're progressing well and you're going to reach that mile-marker just fine, but then as things progress (and sometimes progression means going backwards!), you see that things change everyday and the timeline just doesn't make sense.

It's a sad life.  It's shitty to say the least.  There is no more joy in life.  How can there be?  Things cannot possibly be better unless my wife comes back.  So no, it doesn't get "better" over time.  There's no need for a deadline to shoot for so that you can conquer this grief.

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It is a sad life in a f&$#@d up world that we’ve been left with.  I’ve had to ride out some humongous waves in the past 7 weeks.  I’ve had more glimpses of depression these past few weeks than I care to admit to, and I’ve been on this shitty, complex road for 99 weeks.  Adjusting to living alone has got easier in that time, but yearning for my hubby and our contented, quiet old life - No. 

Love and hugs, guys. 

 

 

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17 hours ago, M88 said:

Adjusting to living alone has got easier in that time, but yearning for my hubby and our contented, quiet old life - No. 

For sure.

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Well, I'm still here, it's been a bad few days, really in a dark spot, trying to keep going. I sometimes hear his voice in my head when I think bad thoughts, telling me to cut that s*** out. I got my Christmas shopping done, I've done some baking... But it was hard because I realized I didn't have to figure out what to get him this year for Christmas.

A woman on facebook read a comment I had made about my loss, and sent me this. It's helped... a little

24852336_10214859163091912_4351457342831000747_n.jpg

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Matahum,   Sorry you are having some bad days. It will be like that for a very long time. I can have some "alright" days, then, wham, something touches the grief nerve and it will will set me back into being depressed and asking "why am I still here", I am never going to be truly happy again. People say that grieving is a roller coaster. That is so apt, that phrase.

I have had some bad days myself recently. I tend to isolate during the worst times .I have been working on bringing myself out of the darkness again. Right now, for me, it has to do with winter and Christmas. I put on the brave face for others, but that gets exhausting. This will be my 2nd winter without my husband and it is so darn lonely and I had to deal with 7" of new snow today by myself. All I can do is grit my teeth and make it through another day. I have been learning a lot of lessons with my loss.

Thinking of you and sending prayers your way. Thank you for sharing the story of the elderly guy and his waves and scars. There is a lot of truth said there.

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That was really nice of her to reach out and try to help you.  It does help to know that what we are experiencing is normal and others go through it too.  Yes, it will be a long journey but it does evolve.  I learned to ride out the waves, not try to change them or avoid them, there'll be ups and downs along the way.  One day at a time...

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Thank you KMB and KayC. This has been tough but I'm just trying to take it one minute at a time. Wake up, take dog out, feed dog, make coffee, drink coffee. One little task at a time. Because even taking it one day at a time seems too overwhelming.

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That's true...try breaking it down to one hour or even one minute.  I've had to do that at times, especially in my early grief.

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On top of everything regarding my ex's passing, I may be having a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) - spent last night in hospital emergency and went back for full abdominal ultrasound today, which they took almost an hour to do and possibly found other things outside of the gallbladder...  this on top of my grandmother having a breast biopsy and a liver scan... I don't know how much more I can take.

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Matahum,

I went through this three years ago today.  When they diagnosed me, they found several things, a non-functioning gallbladder, ulcers, Cirrhosis of the liver (and I a teetotaler!), and Bronchitis.  I was shocked!  I'd been suffering gallbladder attacks but they felt similar to the ulcer attacks.  They told me there are about 13 different things it could be in that area so they had to do an ultrasound to find out what it was.  They waited a full two months and removed my gallbladder two days before Christmas.  They can do laparoscopic surgery now so it's much less invasive and the healing time quicker.  No bending down or stretching for a while.  Do you have someone who can stay a while with you?  They'll give you a list of foods you can eat, some to avoid.  It'll be okay.  I had no one to stay with me and that was scary, but I did alright, you will too.  I take Milk Thistle for my liver and try to be kind to my organs by eating healthy.  I took Magnesium for a while too and am still on SAMe.

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On 12/22/2017 at 10:02 PM, Matahum said:

On top of everything regarding my ex's passing, I may be having a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) - spent last night in hospital emergency and went back for full abdominal ultrasound today, which they took almost an hour to do and possibly found other things outside of the gallbladder...  this on top of my grandmother having a breast biopsy and a liver scan... I don't know how much more I can take.

It's so hard to go through medical procedures when our partners are not around to support us.  I had my 1st phase of oral surgery a month ago and I still feel sad how I now have to take care of myself.  It would have been so nice if my wife was there to accompanied me through the process.   I'm sure our loved ones are with us in spirit.  But it's just not the same.

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On 12/23/2017 at 12:02 AM, Matahum said:

On top of everything regarding my ex's passing, I may be having a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) - spent last night in hospital emergency and went back for full abdominal ultrasound today, which they took almost an hour to do and possibly found other things outside of the gallbladder...  this on top of my grandmother having a breast biopsy and a liver scan... I don't know how much more I can take.

I am so sorry!  Situations that happen after we lose a loved one, especially health wise, can certainly makes us wonder how much can we take and try to handle.  You and your grandmother will be in my prayers!  Please keep us updated! (HUGS)

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Thanks for the thoughts.

 

I just found out this morning that my grandmother has breast cancer. I'm feeling pretty close to being done with life.

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I’m sorry to hear about this. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through so such pain.  I so wish I can just go to sleep and say bye-bye.  These days, I welcome death with open arms!

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

I’m sorry to hear about this. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through so such pain.  I so wish I can just go to sleep and say bye-bye.  These days, I welcome death with open arms!

I beg for death every single day, I am done with this pain and life. Starting of this year I found out that my grandma having cancer and i was so sad and shocked by this news but after loosing my husband I am no more concerned about Grandma anymore. I am having kind of satisfaction that at least she is in her old age but my husband gone in his 30. My uncle hospitalized from last week and I didn't go to meet him, I know I sound really harsh person but that's what I am now.  Nothing bothers me in that way it used to earlier. I was so soft from heart, if I saw any emotional thing on tv I started crying but now nothing melt my heart.

I was scared in my initial days that I am going to be harsh and bitter women and I guess its true now, I am harsh bad women who doesn't feel anything.

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18 hours ago, Matahum said:

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

I just found out this morning that my grandmother has breast cancer. I'm feeling pretty close to being done with life.

I am so sorry, Matahum.  I went through that with my MIL and one of my friends is a breast cancer survivor.  The "C" word is something none of us ever want to hear, but they are getting better and better at combatting breast cancer and there's good reason to believe she will beat it.  I'll add her to my prayers.

5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I beg for death every single day, I am done with this pain and life. Starting of this year I found out that my grandma having cancer and i was so sad and shocked by this news but after loosing my husband I am no more concerned about Grandma anymore. I am having kind of satisfaction that at least she is in her old age but my husband gone in his 30. My uncle hospitalized from last week and I didn't go to meet him, I know I sound really harsh person but that's what I am now.  Nothing bothers me in that way it used to earlier. I was so soft from heart, if I saw any emotional thing on tv I started crying but now nothing melt my heart.

I was scared in my initial days that I am going to be harsh and bitter women and I guess its true now, I am harsh bad women who doesn't feel anything.

You say nothing bothers you as it used to...you are undoubtedly numb, you've been through so much, and that has put things in a different perspective for you, as it does when we suffer such devastating loss.  

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, Matahum.  I went through that with my MIL and one of my friends is a breast cancer survivor.  The "C" word is something none of us ever want to hear, but they are getting better and better at combatting breast cancer and there's good reason to believe she will beat it.  I'll add her to my prayers.

You say nothing bothers you as it used to...you are undoubtedly numb, you've been through so much, and that has put things in a different perspective for you, as it does when we suffer such devastating loss.  

I am not sure if I am numb or not but the only thing make me cry is my loss  other than that I feel nothing. I am really bad person because I read in this forum that after this kind of loss people felt others pain more closely but I don't know why I don't feel others pain , I just cry for him and miss him other than that nothing bothers me at all.

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45 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I am not sure if I am numb or not but the only thing make me cry is my loss  other than that I feel nothing. I am really bad person because I read in this forum that after this kind of loss people felt others pain more closely but I don't know why I don't feel others pain , I just cry for him and miss him other than that nothing bothers me at all.

 

7 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I beg for death every single day, I am done with this pain and life. Starting of this year I found out that my grandma having cancer and i was so sad and shocked by this news but after loosing my husband I am no more concerned about Grandma anymore. I am having kind of satisfaction that at least she is in her old age but my husband gone in his 30. My uncle hospitalized from last week and I didn't go to meet him, I know I sound really harsh person but that's what I am now.  Nothing bothers me in that way it used to earlier. I was so soft from heart, if I saw any emotional thing on tv I started crying but now nothing melt my heart.

I was scared in my initial days that I am going to be harsh and bitter women and I guess its true now, I am harsh bad women who doesn't feel anything.

I think what you are feeling is absolutely fine and normal.  Sometimes the grief is so overwhelming to us that we do not have any time and energy to expend on handling other people's grief.

I experienced this first hand during my earlier months when I lost my wife.  There was a series of misfortune around the U.S., hurricanes, Las Vegas sniper shooting, and then several towns that burned up just north of my area because of a fire.

During these "tragedies," I didn't care.  Although everyone out there in my area was talking these developments, I was absolutely numb to it and I didn't give a f**k.  In fact, I even said during one of my grief support groups that I would be more than happy than to give my life to one of those Las Vegas victims, who wanted to live .... because I surely do not.

When we are grieving, we need to be kind to ourselves.  We need to give ourselves what we need.  Because what we go through takes up a lot of our energy.  It is like we are working trauma 24/7.  Well, it's not really like but it in fact is!    So I think you are fine just thinking about yourself and not anyone else right now.  That's all that is expected of you.

I do envy a bit about seeing older people.  My wife died in her 30s as well.    It's not fair but what else can I do?   I do notice that more recently, I am more connected only with people who has lost a partner.   I am now somewhat distanced from other losses (ie. loss of sibling, loss of a parent).   In fact, it actually annoys me when I go to a joint grief support group and people talk about the loss of a parent -- who was in their 90s.   

I don't know.  When I think about my loss, I see a tragedy.   With other deaths, not so...... especially when you've lived a full life like into your 90s!

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8 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I beg for death every single day, I am done with this pain and life.

Oh tell me about it!   It's Saturday morning here again!     It's another 4-day weekend for me (new years).    On Friday, I did nothing.   Friday night on a 4-day weekend, I decided to go to bed at 9pm because I couldn't bear the pain anymore.   I slept and slept.  I woke up this morning, Saturday at 9 am.  Slept 12-hours.   I wished my body would sleep forever!

Now, Saturday morning, onto the grief forums.  Tomorrow will be New Years Eve.   Oh gosh.     I so need this holiday period to blow over.

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22 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Oh tell me about it!   It's Saturday morning here again!     It's another 4-day weekend for me (new years).    On Friday, I did nothing.   Friday night on a 4-day weekend, I decided to go to bed at 9pm because I couldn't bear the pain anymore.   I slept and slept.  I woke up this morning, Saturday at 9 am.  Slept 12-hours.   I wished my body would sleep forever!

Now, Saturday morning, onto the grief forums.  Tomorrow will be New Years Eve.   Oh gosh.     I so need this holiday period to blow over.

Its almost 11:55pm here. Last year this time we were going for new year celebrations and i was so tired because of schedule and told him that next year i m not gonna go for celebration out of city. I didn't knew that time, its going to be true, never thought my whole life will change in 2017 and going to be big time sucks. I am in my bed right now and missing him so badly, all I can do is crying and beg for death. Hopefully i will not see 2019 and die in 2018, hopefully this year is my last year of life. Like him i will turn 30 in 2018 so hopefully i will go like him in my 30.

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18 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Its almost 11:55pm here. Last year this time we were going for new year celebrations and i was so tired because of schedule and told him that next year i m not gonna go for celebration out of city. I didn't knew that time, its going to be true, never thought my whole life will change in 2017 and going to be big time sucks. I am in my bed right now and missing him so badly, all I can do is crying and beg for death. Hopefully i will not see 2019 and die in 2018, hopefully this year is my last year of life. Like him i will turn 30 in 2018 so hopefully i will go like him in my 30.

LoveGoli - I'm so sorry that it's so painful for you at this moment.  I hate those waves I get when I turn off the lights each night, think about how I've gone through another day without my spouse, and then have to crawl into bed alone.... knowing that they are not here next to me, where they are suppose to be.  It is very painful to start, or to end for that matter, each day.   Many people out there have absolutely no idea what we have to go through.  They only see that it's painful for someone to go home alone now.  But their thoughts stop there.  They don't realize being home alone is just the beginning.  It is every second that we are in the house without our spouse that is killing us, by the second.  And the pain never stops.

I'm sorry again that you are having a difficult moment.  Sometimes, when I feel sick to my stomach that I am going to bed alone (again), I think about how I've made it through this day in a positive manner.  Also, as tough as it is, I let me out a big sigh and tell myself that I am now one day closer to being with my wife again.  And I think about how much I love her!

That's really all we can do right now.   Good night and I hope you rest well.

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20 hours ago, Azipod said:

Sometimes the grief is so overwhelming to us that we do not have any time and energy to expend on handling other people's grief.

Absolutely!

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I am hoping that 2018 will at least stop with all the bullshit and give me a little breathing room, if I only use that to grieve, at least I won't have other stuff piled on top of it like I do now.

I know he wants me to keep going... I don't want to, but I'm doing what he'd want me to do. I get out of bed every day because the dog needs fed and needs to pee. 

Someone from this forum sent me something via PM, and it's been a bit helpful. I'm working through it in hopes that somehow it makes this a little easier.

I already know that he's still out there - His soul anyway. I just am angry that he will never be physically with me again. That's the hard part and the part that I grieve the most about.

Last New Years we chatted on Skype through his New Years and then mine (3 hour difference) then we said goodnight and I went to bed while he played some video games (his favorite late-night hobby). I'd wake up to a good morning message every day. I miss those.

I drank tonight - 100 proof moonshine - It's numbed me enough to write this without crying.

The email I was going to send him on his birthday (2 days after his death) is still sitting in my drafts folder. A friend told me I should edit it and send it anyway, he thinks it might help. But I still can't bring myself to do that, or even to write his mom a letter and print off the pictures of him to send to her. I guess after I see the doctor this week and find out what is going on with me, I will find the strength to do it.

My nan is only 72 and her and my grandfather have been married for 54 years (57 together), she still has a lot of life left to live and this breast cancer thing isn't what we need right now. The only saving grace is that there is a 99% survival rate, and it was caught early (no cancer found in tests done on her last year).

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7 hours ago, Matahum said:

I know he wants me to keep going... I don't want to, but I'm doing what he'd want me to do. I get out of bed every day because the dog needs fed and needs to pee. 

It's good you have a dog.  Anything that gives us purpose, anything that prompts us to keep going.

Wow, how special to have grandparents together all those years, so were my grandparents on my mom's side.  What a heritage and example!

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On 12/31/2017 at 10:40 PM, Matahum said:

I am hoping that 2018 will at least stop with all the bullshit and give me a little breathing room, if I only use that to grieve, at least I won't have other stuff piled on top of it like I do now.

I too wish that 2018 would be smooth sailing -- though smooth is a relative term.  Two days into 2018, I'm already feeling how much it hurts to begin a new year without my wife.  I thought leaving 2017 behind and welcoming 2018 would be for the better.  Little did I know that 2018 will come with its own problems.

On 12/31/2017 at 10:40 PM, Matahum said:

I know he wants me to keep going... I don't want to, but I'm doing what he'd want me to do. I get out of bed every day because the dog needs fed and needs to pee. 

I don't want to as well.  I'm still living because I cannot go before my parents.  So in a way, I feel like I'm just hanging on and suffering until the day.  Perhaps after my parents (and my dog) goes, I can somehow "release and go home" so I can be with my wife, again.   I can't wait until that day finally comes.   This is one of those times in my life that I wished I didn't have such good health.

On 12/31/2017 at 10:40 PM, Matahum said:

I already know that he's still out there - His soul anyway. I just am angry that he will never be physically with me again. That's the hard part and the part that I grieve the most about.

Yes.  Isn't that the darnest thing?  They are out there, or simply right here with us.  However, they are in another dimension.  In other words, they are in another world.  I suppose this doesn't make it any better .... but at least they are not gone in the sense where everything ceases.  Perhaps just the body, but the the soul went through a transition --- they are in another realm.

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Azipod - I feel the same as you.  I've said before that Clive made me promise to take care of our cat for the rest of her life and I also have elderly parents, in their 80s who suffered through losing my brother a year or so ago.  I tell  myself that I just have to keep going until Mum, Dad and Chloe-the-cat are gone and then there'll be no-one left to miss me and I'll be free to follow him.   I just have to hold it together til then unless I have an accident or contract an illness which will do the job for me.

I've already set up an Advance Directive refusing all medical treatment with the exception of pain relief (I'm cowardly enough to accept that!) and a strict "DNR under any circumstances" instruction which I've signed and had witnessed, copies of which are in my wallet and my mobile phone case so theyre always close at hand in case theyre needed.  

I know it sounds morbid but I want everything in place so my wishes can be carried out and no-one can counter them to keep me alive or request medical intervention when I don't want it.

Such happy thoughts I have now.  Would you believe that I used to be an insane optimist? I used to live my life with such joy and wonder how I ever got to be so lucky.  Clive used to call me his Smiley Baby.  Now I just want it all to be over. I won't proactively end my life  - not at the moment anyway -  but it would be a huge relief if someone or something  ended it for me.

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4 hours ago, Skywise said:

Such happy thoughts I have now.  Would you believe that I used to be an insane optimist? I used to live my life with such joy and wonder how I ever got to be so lucky.  Clive used to call me his Smiley Baby.  Now I just want it all to be over. I won't proactively end my life  - not at the moment anyway -  but it would be a huge relief if someone or something  ended it for me.

I am so much with you on this one.   I am a cheerful person and always had a smile on my face.  Not anymore.   It's all sadness now.    

My life, the world, and my wife together meant everything to me.   Now, I'm just left with thoughts about my wife.  It's all about her because being with her is the only thing that can carry me these days.

I've said it before.  I do wish that a runaway truck would come down the road and just take me out while I'm crossing the street.   Just make it fast and unexpected.  I'm ready for it.

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No, not morbid at all, Skywise.  We’ve all had to think about our own deaths since losing our partners,  as have those people close to us.  I’ve told my family I don’t wish to be revived, but having it in writing is definitely a great idea. 

I saw a woman on the news once that that DO NOT REVIVE tattooed in large letters across her chest. 

I’ve not feared death since being by my Mum’s bedside for two weeks before she passed away.  We talked a lot about what she was seeing in her mind and feeling which was amazing - until she couldn’t find God.  She was a devout Christian, but God did not come to her no matter how much she prayed and pleaded.  The Minister we called in couldn’t help entice God to her either.  It was a blessing when she did finally pass away.  

As I don’t fear death you’d wonder at the driving phobia I have had since my hubby was mowed down and killed.  What I do fear is being seriously injured in a car crash and having to cope with even more health difficulties in my life.  

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5 hours ago, M88 said:

No, not morbid at all, Skywise.  We’ve all had to think about our own deaths since losing our partners,  as have those people close to us.  I’ve told my family I don’t wish to be revived, but having it in writing is definitely a great idea. 

Along with not fearing death these days, some people including myself have also looked at life differently.  I won't get into the details in this post, but at the most outer surface, I think most of us now realize how fragile life is and that everything that we have, can dissappear in a second, or heart-beat.  The other thing I've learned thus far is to not judge others .... even that annoying person standing in front of the line that you're in at the supermarket.   You just never know what they are going through in their life.     Everyone has challenges...   it's just that not everyone shows it.

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

The other thing I've learned thus far is to not judge others

This is so true, I have learned the same, not to judge other peoples and life can change in seconds. Earlier if I saw any annoying person or see anything which is wrong according to my morals, I judge others but now I can understand maybe that other person have his own problems. Sometimes I want to do all that stuff which I thought wrong before like smoking, drinking, or doing something bad but then I feel what if he is watching me, does he like if I start smoking or drinking then at the same time I feel if he is watching and not liking all this, he can come and stop me. This is my way to take revenge from him. He left me here for crying, in never loosing pain so I can also give him some pain. 

I sounds like crazy person but there are lot of thoughts going on my mind every seconds and I don't know how to handle all these crap.

 

 

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Azipod, 

This is one of the reasons I like you so much!  You are wise and continually learning from your life experiences.  A great person!

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12 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I sounds like crazy person but there are lot of thoughts going on my mind every seconds and I don't know how to handle all these crap.

You ARE handling it though, and you're not crazy sounding at all!  You're making the best you can of a really tough situation.

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Quote

I think most of us now realize how fragile life is and that everything that we have, can dissappear in a second, or heart-beat.

This.

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15 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

This is so true, I have learned the same, not to judge other peoples and life can change in seconds. Earlier if I saw any annoying person or see anything which is wrong according to my morals, I judge others but now I can understand maybe that other person have his own problems. Sometimes I want to do all that stuff which I thought wrong before like smoking, drinking, or doing something bad but then I feel what if he is watching me, does he like if I start smoking or drinking then at the same time I feel if he is watching and not liking all this, he can come and stop me. This is my way to take revenge from him. He left me here for crying, in never loosing pain so I can also give him some pain. 

I sounds like crazy person but there are lot of thoughts going on my mind every seconds and I don't know how to handle all these crap.

LoveGoli -- I think you are handling your grief just fine.  I know, it may not necessarily feel that way, but you are.  We all have.  We all have made it with the support from this forum, and people in our personal lives, to get to where we are today.   None of us are any where close to completing our grief journey (I don't think we ever will be), but I'm sure all of us in one way or another never thought that we could get to where we are today.   And that itself, is an accomplishment and we should all give ourselves a little pat on the back for that.

In a bigger picture, the higher power in the world likely gave each of us a purpose in this life.  We are all put through different life experiences so that we can develop ourselves.   Perhaps, for us, and it is learning about how to love.  Not just love our family and our partners, but universal love.  Love for strangers, for everyone.   Love doesn't just mean romance.    Love can be coming onto this forum, and helping other grievers walk this difficult path.   When we love each other, we feel better, and we make others feel better too.    Perhaps learning how to love, and offering love, is one of our life purposes.    Sorry for preaching, but it's just a thought.

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

Perhaps learning how to love, and offering love, is one of our life purposes.

Thanks Azipod for your words but I am not sure if any love left inside me for anyone, that's my problem, I don't feel for anyone. Others pain doesn't effect me like it used to earlier. I only feel bad for those who lost their partners other than that nothing effect me. I don't care for anyone, nothing bothers me at all.

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10 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Thanks Azipod for your words but I am not sure if any love left inside me for anyone, that's my problem, I don't feel for anyone. Others pain doesn't effect me like it used to earlier. I only feel bad for those who lost their partners other than that nothing effect me. I don't care for anyone, nothing bothers me at all.

I'm the same. I have no room for any empathy with others now, there's only room for my grief.  Oh, I put on a good enough show so that others tell me how marvellously well I'm handling everything and how strong I am, what an inspiration I'm being.  It's all rubbish of course.  I'm just counting out the heartbeats until it all ends..

Everyday I have to go over the reasons why I'm still here and convince myself that they're enough to keep me breathing.

I even had to fight with the nurse at the surgery yesterday.  As some of you know,  I've booked a ridiculous holiday and I had to go down for some vaccines.  I said that that I would only get vaccinated against illnesses that I could give to others, not against diseases that would only affect me.  She was horrified and tried to give me the other vaccines anyway so there was a bit of a barney between us.  She also noticed that I've stopped my regular B12 jabs (I have full blown pernicious anaemia - how very Victorian of me!)  and wanted to give me that as well.  lt took a hell of a lot to convince her not to and she's now insisting that I speak to the practice counsellor about my "suicidal tendancies". 

I've said it before.  I'm not suicidal. I just don't  want to live.   Theres a big difference!  I think the counsellor  would be better off spending her time dealing with the people who want her help and leaving me alone.

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3 hours ago, Skywise said:

I've said it before.  I'm not suicidal. I just don't  want to live.   Theres a big difference!  

Hi Skywise, someone posted on this site a while back about being careful what you say to the medical professionals. I don't know if the average person can really understand the difference between wanting to die and being suicidal. Perhaps only people like us can truly understand the difference. Plus, they may contact the authorities just to cover their own ass against lawsuits. I feel the same way you do and this site is the only place I would dare express those feelings

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22 hours ago, Azipod said:

Sorry for preaching, but it's just a thought.

Preach it, brother!  :)  Azipod, I always appreciate what you have to say.

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7 hours ago, Skywise said:

I'm the same. I have no room for any empathy with others now, there's only room for my grief.  Oh, I put on a good enough show so that others tell me how marvellously well I'm handling everything and how strong I am, what an inspiration I'm being.  It's all rubbish of course.  I'm just counting out the heartbeats until it all ends..

Everyday I have to go over the reasons why I'm still here and convince myself that they're enough to keep me breathing.

I even had to fight with the nurse at the surgery yesterday.  As some of you know,  I've booked a ridiculous holiday and I had to go down for some vaccines.  I said that that I would only get vaccinated against illnesses that I could give to others, not against diseases that would only affect me.  She was horrified and tried to give me the other vaccines anyway so there was a bit of a barney between us.  She also noticed that I've stopped my regular B12 jabs (I have full blown pernicious anaemia - how very Victorian of me!)  and wanted to give me that as well.  lt took a hell of a lot to convince her not to and she's now insisting that I speak to the practice counsellor about my "suicidal tendancies". 

I've said it before.  I'm not suicidal. I just don't  want to live.   Theres a big difference!  I think the counsellor  would be better off spending her time dealing with the people who want her help and leaving me alone.

Skywise,

It's what is called "passive suicide"...the not taking care of ourselves in the hope that we die.  We don't put a gun to our heads, but we don't take our medicine or eat healthy, or get exercise, or treatments either.  That's how TooDevastated recently died, in short order, transferring her pain to her family because now they're the ones grieving.

It's so important to take care of ourselves to help ourselves have optimal clarity of mind, and to feel as well as we can so that we can give ourselves the needed time to adjust.  Not telling you what to do, just giving you something to consider and why we do what we do.

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15 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Thanks Azipod for your words but I am not sure if any love left inside me for anyone, that's my problem, I don't feel for anyone. Others pain doesn't effect me like it used to earlier. I only feel bad for those who lost their partners other than that nothing effect me. I don't care for anyone, nothing bothers me at all.

I know how you feel.  In more ways than not, I'm still very much in the same mode as you.   I feel I can see the meaning of universal love in my mind.  However, practicing it is a totally different story.  I do what I can here to support others, because it does provide healing for me too.   But at the end of the day, I'm still grieving heavily and most of my energy is focused on myself.   It sounds selfish, but I think it's completely OK.    If we cannot take care and love ourselves, there's no energy for us to take care and love others.   

Btw, it's Friday again.  :-/

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8 hours ago, Skywise said:

I've said it before.  I'm not suicidal. I just don't  want to live. 

You are not alone.  This, along with happiness, is pretty much what I need to work on.   This morning, I actually had a moment to sit down and think.  I was trying to evaluate where I am currently in my grief.   It dawned on me that based on the last few weeks and making it through the holidays, I'm pretty much out of the fog.  I'm no longer confused.  However, where I am is not a happy place.  Life is easier, the waves of grief is manageable.  But life is not better.   I still feel like sh*t.  That's because of what I'm going through, and because I'm missing my wife.  In many ways, I still don't feel I have a  purpose, other than to help others who are here.  But I really don't care for much these days anymore.   Like you, I'm not suicidal in the sense that I plan on hurting myself.  But I simply just don't care about anything.  It's the big WHATEVER attitude.   I don't have any real ongoing medical needs, so there's no medication or procedures that I need to undergo.. .but I'm also not intending to go to any preventive medical care appointments either.   I rather just life my life (if we can call it living at all!), and let it take over naturally.   Doing preventive medicine to "prolong" my life seems so unnatural these days.

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28 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel.  In more ways than not, I'm still very much in the same mode as you.   I feel I can see the meaning of universal love in my mind.  However, practicing it is a totally different story.  I do what I can here to support others, because it does provide healing for me too.   But at the end of the day, I'm still grieving heavily and most of my energy is focused on myself.   It sounds selfish, but I think it's completely OK.    If we cannot take care and love ourselves, there's no energy for us to take care and love others.   

Btw, it's Friday again.  :-/

Yuppp its Friday again. Friday night here, can you believe we survived 6 months without them. Today 6 months completed last time i saw him, heard him, can't believe i survived this far. These 6 months were the most disaster months of my life, i was never that much sad before like i m now.

I am so tired of this, hopefully it will end soon no matter how , i just want to stop this pain , suffering.

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25 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

Yuppp its Friday again. Friday night here, can you believe we survived 6 months without them. Today 6 months completed last time i saw him, heard him, can't believe i survived this far. These 6 months were the most disaster months of my life, i was never that much sad before like i m now.

I am so tired of this, hopefully it will end soon no matter how , i just want to stop this pain , suffering.

LoveGoli.  I am happy for your progress but of course sad to see that we all have had to meet under these most unfortunate circumstances.  A disaster and a nightmare in which we cannot escape and wake up from is a very accurate description of our new life. Even though we've progressed, one of the saddest thoughts is when I actually think back about the time it has been since my wife has left.   6-months is a mile marker in terms of progress for us, but at the same time, it also represents all the days we've lost and missed our loved ones.  It's simply how many days that life has taken them away from us.  It is the cruelest experience that life has thrown to us.   As you have said so well, the pain and suffering is tiring and consuming.   Like you, there is little optimism in my life and everything is just a dark hole.   I am sorry.   Even though we do not know each other, I want you to know that you are not alone; for I am at the 6-month period too.  I am, also feeling the intense pain, right along side with you.   Have a peaceful night.  

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