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DanielPK

Loss of 20 yo son to suicide. Devastated beyond belief.

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My son Jamie always referred to me as his best friend to his many friends and family members. We were so close. He was a talented ice hockey player through high school and an all around athlete, but his greatest gift was his artistic abilities....something he developed in high school and his early college years. He very gifted at the audio/visual arts....and, specifically, the AV program at his high school where he set the standard for subsequent students interested in this art form. He was also a very promising guitar player and singer. He was very popular with the girls, had tons of friends, worked multiple jobs, and made new friends daily. He was also an avid fisherman and either a very good or lucky one. That said.....he had his demons. We knew he was wired differently right out of the gate. He seemed uncomfortable in his own skin much of the time. He was a very difficult baby/toddler. He was a bad sleeper, never napped, up early, to bed late, and often up in the middle of the night to explore. When he was sleeping, he often had night terrors. He got into trouble at school on a regular basis....usually for disrupting class by talking, laughing or being the class clown. He was as sweet as could be but was always so easily distracted and hyperactive that teachers and administrators struggled with him....as did his family members. He usually got out of trouble because he was so cute. He was unusually cute as a baby/toddler and also so as a teenager and young man. He never would hurt a fly except for those that would pick on him. He quickly earned a reputation for fisticuffs. He was a stutterer right up until high school, you see....and so, was teased and picked on early on in school. This didn't last long as he beat up the bullies who teased him. He quickly became revered for his ant-like strength, ferocity, fighting capabilities and his willingness to stand up to anybody....for himself and/or for any of his friends. I believe now that all of these terrific qualities were coping mechanisms....and that all of these his blessings were simply qualities that allowed him to better deal with his angst. This last summer he worked hard and played hard. We traveled together, we made plans, and we spent our time together as would best friends. We played music around the campfire, golfed, fished, biked, did water sports, went exploring and visited family and friends together. It was an awesome summer. He left his two jobs a few days early the last week of August in order to prep for his move back to Western Michigan University to begin his junior year at school. He signed up for classes, bought some furniture for his house, had us get his suit cleaned for an upcoming wedding, and mentioned plans for me to visit him at school. On Sept 1st, we went with his friends to a concert, then spent the night partying at Michigan State University. Saturday afternoon, he left MSU and told his friends he was going 'home'. He told his mother and I that he was staying another night at MSU. Instead, he got a room at a motel in Lansing. At this point he was not returning anybody's text msgs or calls. He did, however, order a pizza and chilled in his room that night. No drugs. No alcohol. Sometime early Sunday morning 9-3-2017, he took his life. This was 6 wks or so ago. I'm still in shock. I never could have imagined the pain and grief I was capable of suffering.....the depths of it. Hopelessness. Indescribable horror. The suddenness, the violence, the absolute lack of any indication (all of us friends/family are completely in shock), and the fact that this is my beloved baby boy of 20 years. I can't function....don't want to function. The questions....the suffering....I'm a shadow of my former self. I see no light. I feel no hope. And I fear the future. God please help me.  

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danielpk I think you misunderstood. You are on the right website but not the right thread. It is at the top of the page called Loss of an Adult child by mom of Justin it has over 60,000 replies you can't miss it. \Click on that link and go to the last page which is where the current posts are. Please try again and you will meet up with us. Again I am so sorry for the shocking loss of your boy especially as it seems to have come out of the blue. perhaps he had a lot more internal sadness and personal struggles that he had not shared yet with you? We have several parents who have also lost kids to suicide who you may be able to connect with, as I am sure you have many questions in common. We have all lost a child/children and come together to offer support and understanding and hope to those that are newly bereaved using our experiences. Although they all died in different ways we have that common devastation and inability to cope at times, that going crazy out of your mind with sorrow and demand for answers and justice if possible. I know that gut wrenching pain in your chest, that inability to see that anything will ever feel normal or right or happy again, that knowledge that your family will always have a member missing. It is an agony that defies words, that is why there is no literal name for a parent that has lost a child. do you have other children? Do you have family nearby helping you and time off work? i am guessing that The funeral for jamie has been held and that the inquest is ongoing so you may not have all the official answers yet? the inquest is also very tough to attend you need to brace yourself and be sure you want to know the details. What is seen and heard cannot be unseen or unheard, but sometimes it actually helps to make some sense of it all even if it is really hard to hear. My son Tommy was killed in Hawaii in 2015 so I dont know if they had an inquest there, but his UK inquest was not until this jan. By then I had made major strides in my mental health and was able to attend and speak. I had already spoken to the coroner the ER doctor who worked on him and read the full autopsy report but then I am a former nurse and needed to know the details . After a few months I was able to talk myself down from the nightmares and have hardly had any since then. Tommy's inquest was held privately which was better but made all the local papers again which was hard to see his face in the newspapers and on the local tv all over again. Felt like a step back but actually I coped much better than I had thought I would. You do get stronger as time goes on even if you do not recognize it yourself. You just have to make it through a few minutes at a time and then a few more and a few more and then that day is over and you move on to the next one. Try to avoid making major decisions if you can concerning moving quitting work etc etc as you may need that familiarity around you when some of the shock wears off, try and eat if you can and nap if your nights are broken and talk about it to whomever you can else it festers inside and literally eats you up. let people help the family so that you have as little choices to make as possible and come back here when you feel able to share more about Jamie and how you are doing ok?

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There is also a stage of reflection before acceptance. Not everyone goes through each stage and not always in that order, and sometimes you cycle back and forth, but eventually after a long time we do all come out of it, yes deeply changed and still saddened but able to continue on as our spirit children would want us to.

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