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Loss of 20 yo son to suicide. Devastated beyond belief.

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My son Jamie always referred to me as his best friend to his many friends and family members. We were so close. He was a talented ice hockey player through high school and an all around athlete, but his greatest gift was his artistic abilities....something he developed in high school and his early college years. He very gifted at the audio/visual arts....and, specifically, the AV program at his high school where he set the standard for subsequent students interested in this art form. He was also a very promising guitar player and singer. He was very popular with the girls, had tons of friends, worked multiple jobs, and made new friends daily. He was also an avid fisherman and either a very good or lucky one. That said.....he had his demons. We knew he was wired differently right out of the gate. He seemed uncomfortable in his own skin much of the time. He was a very difficult baby/toddler. He was a bad sleeper, never napped, up early, to bed late, and often up in the middle of the night to explore. When he was sleeping, he often had night terrors. He got into trouble at school on a regular basis....usually for disrupting class by talking, laughing or being the class clown. He was as sweet as could be but was always so easily distracted and hyperactive that teachers and administrators struggled with him....as did his family members. He usually got out of trouble because he was so cute. He was unusually cute as a baby/toddler and also so as a teenager and young man. He never would hurt a fly except for those that would pick on him. He quickly earned a reputation for fisticuffs. He was a stutterer right up until high school, you see....and so, was teased and picked on early on in school. This didn't last long as he beat up the bullies who teased him. He quickly became revered for his ant-like strength, ferocity, fighting capabilities and his willingness to stand up to anybody....for himself and/or for any of his friends. I believe now that all of these terrific qualities were coping mechanisms....and that all of these his blessings were simply qualities that allowed him to better deal with his angst. This last summer he worked hard and played hard. We traveled together, we made plans, and we spent our time together as would best friends. We played music around the campfire, golfed, fished, biked, did water sports, went exploring and visited family and friends together. It was an awesome summer. He left his two jobs a few days early the last week of August in order to prep for his move back to Western Michigan University to begin his junior year at school. He signed up for classes, bought some furniture for his house, had us get his suit cleaned for an upcoming wedding, and mentioned plans for me to visit him at school. On Sept 1st, we went with his friends to a concert, then spent the night partying at Michigan State University. Saturday afternoon, he left MSU and told his friends he was going 'home'. He told his mother and I that he was staying another night at MSU. Instead, he got a room at a motel in Lansing. At this point he was not returning anybody's text msgs or calls. He did, however, order a pizza and chilled in his room that night. No drugs. No alcohol. Sometime early Sunday morning 9-3-2017, he took his life. This was 6 wks or so ago. I'm still in shock. I never could have imagined the pain and grief I was capable of suffering.....the depths of it. Hopelessness. Indescribable horror. The suddenness, the violence, the absolute lack of any indication (all of us friends/family are completely in shock), and the fact that this is my beloved baby boy of 20 years. I can't function....don't want to function. The questions....the suffering....I'm a shadow of my former self. I see no light. I feel no hope. And I fear the future. God please help me.  

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I'm so sorry for your horrific loss of your son- although I cannot  begin to identify with this type of loss I can understand the heartache of losing a son to an unexpected death. My son who was 17 , went out for a birthday dinner on the 14th of August 2017 and asked if he could chill at a friends house as they had had such a good evening. Reluctantly I said yes, I was trying not to baby him, and told him to call me in the morning so I knew he was ok. That call never came ..... Instead I got a knock on the door from the police telling me my son had had an asthma attack which lead to a cardiac - he died in hospital that morning. No one can explain the feeling of emptiness, regret, anger, sadnesses and all the emotions I encounter on a daily basis.I hate my life right now and I'm absolutely lost. 

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