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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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One day I will feel better.  Not next week or next month, maybe not next year but one day....I hope.

One day I won't be so heartbroken, so sad all the time, so empty inside...I hope

One day my life will have meaning and I will interact in the world without this constant sadness that encompasses my whole being....I hope.

One day I will not hold onto the anger, I will just let it go and I will feel lighter without this heavy stone I am dragging around on a chain around my neck....I hope.  

One day all my embarrassing coping mechanisms will disappear....I hope.

One day I won't feel this debilitating loneliness...I hope.

One day someone in my life will actually remember to ask me how I am?  and remember I lost my mother....I hope.  If they actually do, would I have the courage to say, I'm not ok?  I don't know.

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tessa   

Hi sadandlost, are you OK today?
I'm hanging in there. The emptiness is the issue I'm working on now. I've worked through losing mum. I talked to my sister and we both agree that mum went at the right time. If she had stayed, the suffering would have started. She got out just in time.

But the loneliness/emptiness is haunting. I need to find more things to do to fill in time. But I have no motivation.

Like you wrote - one day .............. we'll re-adjust and be OK.

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Dear Tessa,

Thank you for your kind reply. 

Yes its exactly that, the emptiness, loneliness and feeling stuck with no motivation.  Sort of a paralysis. 

My mother went at the right time too.  She had dementia but died of something else.  I'm grateful she went when she did because the past year as her illness progressed it was devastating to gradually lose the relationship we had before she died.  She was still there but changed significantly and needed constant care.  It was painful to watch it happen.  So now at least she isn't suffering and I don't have to see the deterioration.  Now she has gone though everything feels meaningless.  I find it hard to come to terms with its forever.  I'm glad you have a good relationship with your sister and you can talk to her.

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tessa   

Dementia isn't kind :(
With the meaningless, my head space at the moment is - I've given up on life having a meaning. I'm just working on filling in the hours in the day to avoid the loneliness. I'm deliberately taking extra long to do things just to fill in time. I've also been on youtube listening to buddhist talks.
So I have learned that the buddhist way is towards nothing. So I am working on 'nothing', removing wants, expectations etc and trying to become nothing. Of course I haven't had any success. I don't know how to be nothing and achieve nothing. But at least it gives me something to think about and keep those awful thoughts out of my head.
I have thought about pet dogs/cats. How do they lie there everyday and be happy doing nothing. If I could do that, then there would be no feelings of loneliness, no purpose, emptiness.
I dunno anymore.

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I think it all just takes a very long time Tessa.  Much longer than we anticipate.  I do things to distract all the time to fill in the huge space.  At the end of the day i think another day over.  The next morning it begins again....  I do think life can become meaningful again I just don't know how or when?  Hope today is a bit better for you.

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reader   

Dear sadandlost,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I know its a very painful time.

I know we all just have to keep hanging on and holding on to each other through this forum and hopefully one day it will be a little lighter.

Take care.

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