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One day I will feel better.  Not next week or next month, maybe not next year but one day....I hope.

One day I won't be so heartbroken, so sad all the time, so empty inside...I hope

One day my life will have meaning and I will interact in the world without this constant sadness that encompasses my whole being....I hope.

One day I will not hold onto the anger, I will just let it go and I will feel lighter without this heavy stone I am dragging around on a chain around my neck....I hope.  

One day all my embarrassing coping mechanisms will disappear....I hope.

One day I won't feel this debilitating loneliness...I hope.

One day someone in my life will actually remember to ask me how I am?  and remember I lost my mother....I hope.  If they actually do, would I have the courage to say, I'm not ok?  I don't know.

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Hi sadandlost, are you OK today?
I'm hanging in there. The emptiness is the issue I'm working on now. I've worked through losing mum. I talked to my sister and we both agree that mum went at the right time. If she had stayed, the suffering would have started. She got out just in time.

But the loneliness/emptiness is haunting. I need to find more things to do to fill in time. But I have no motivation.

Like you wrote - one day .............. we'll re-adjust and be OK.

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Dear Tessa,

Thank you for your kind reply. 

Yes its exactly that, the emptiness, loneliness and feeling stuck with no motivation.  Sort of a paralysis. 

My mother went at the right time too.  She had dementia but died of something else.  I'm grateful she went when she did because the past year as her illness progressed it was devastating to gradually lose the relationship we had before she died.  She was still there but changed significantly and needed constant care.  It was painful to watch it happen.  So now at least she isn't suffering and I don't have to see the deterioration.  Now she has gone though everything feels meaningless.  I find it hard to come to terms with its forever.  I'm glad you have a good relationship with your sister and you can talk to her.

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Dementia isn't kind :(
With the meaningless, my head space at the moment is - I've given up on life having a meaning. I'm just working on filling in the hours in the day to avoid the loneliness. I'm deliberately taking extra long to do things just to fill in time. I've also been on youtube listening to buddhist talks.
So I have learned that the buddhist way is towards nothing. So I am working on 'nothing', removing wants, expectations etc and trying to become nothing. Of course I haven't had any success. I don't know how to be nothing and achieve nothing. But at least it gives me something to think about and keep those awful thoughts out of my head.
I have thought about pet dogs/cats. How do they lie there everyday and be happy doing nothing. If I could do that, then there would be no feelings of loneliness, no purpose, emptiness.
I dunno anymore.

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I think it all just takes a very long time Tessa.  Much longer than we anticipate.  I do things to distract all the time to fill in the huge space.  At the end of the day i think another day over.  The next morning it begins again....  I do think life can become meaningful again I just don't know how or when?  Hope today is a bit better for you.

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Dear sadandlost,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I know its a very painful time.

I know we all just have to keep hanging on and holding on to each other through this forum and hopefully one day it will be a little lighter.

Take care.

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It's been over a month since this thread started and I still feel the same - empty, lonely.
I get through the days by being busy but as soon as I stop the activity, the feeling comes back. I so want to talk to my mother again. I miss her so badly.
All I know is to keep busy so I don't remember, but there's always the pause and the thought comes back.
Sometimes I get really scared. How am I going to get through life without my mom. There's no one to watch over me now. I'm on my own in this big world.
I search fro friends but no one knows what I'm on about. Their lives are in tact, they're busy.
I'm on my own and the only way I know to cope is to keep busy with activity. It's eerily lonely.

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Dear Tessa,

Thinking of you. Take care your time, my friend. It is very tough to cope with the loss of a beloved parent.

The first year is very hard. My mind was spinning and spinning and there are so many raw emotions that come to the forefront.

I can relate to that sense of loneliness. But please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. If you want to maybe consider counselling or joining a support group.

Sending my thoughts and prayers.

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Dear Tessa,

I had forgotten about my post.  I still read and reply to others but I had forgotten about this particular post.  I re read it.  Nothing has changed.  I feel exactly the same.  Every day like you I want to speak to my mom.  Every day i do speak to her a bit but obviously she doesn't answer.  Its almost a year for me now and these past 3 months have been my darkest.  I decided to seek help in the form of therapy.  I've been twice.  Its annoying.  I know I need to talk but I'm not sure I have found the right therapist.  Every day I don't know what to do with myself.  I know I have to try and rebuild my life and find some sort of meaning to my life again but so far I haven't succeeded.  I'm still estranged from my family and that works for me but it makes me feel more alone.  Friends don't really acknowledge my loss so I just listen to them talk about their stuff and i say nothing about what I'm going through because no one wants to hear it.  or worse still they make stupid suggestions.  I'm sorry for you, for all of us.  I feel like I've lost all the goodness in my life and everything thats left is sour.  I too feel how will I get through this?  At least we can talk here to others who know what this dark hole feels like.

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