I Cannot Take It Anymore

[Jay W]

hello - has not been long since I lost her. but time does not heal my wounds. it is getting worse every day. I sit by myself 90% of the time and my mind is wandering back to our life together. it wasn't perfect. we stayed together because we had nowhere else to go. we fought, swore, threatened and threw things. no physical hurt just mental. as she was dying I took care of her. it was not easy and my patience wore thin. I had difficulty coping and caring but did the best I could. it was not easy. my life is gone and I don't know how much longer I can take what is left. I am not going to physically hurt myself but am sure my heart will break before long. I am in such a rut and my friends seem to be abandoning me now. they are tired of my whining.

I have tried counselling but it does not do anything. I won't do drugs or alcohol. but I am so distraught I frequently feel sick. I am surprised when I awake in the morning. I just cannot do this any longer.

[Djh0901kc]

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. You’ve come to a place where you can say what you need with no judgements. Keep posting. Stay strong.

[KayC]

Perhaps if you try counseling in a couple of months it'll work better for you, maybe just to sit with your pain right now is enough.  Time alone does nothing to heal us, it is what we do with it...grief counseling, grief support groups, reading books and articles, art therapy, reading/writing posts on grief forum, learning to live in the present, developing a good support system, etc.  You may be too new in this to do more than just get through the day and feel your pain.  The tears help us process this, so it's good to feel them and not hold them in.  As Djh said, no judgments here, we're all experiencing the same thing only at different time frames.

[KMB]

Jay W    I know your pain. Hang in there. It is early days for you and the intensity does lessen. I didn't believe that one in the beginning either, but it does get less difficult. In fact, I didn't believe anything I was told in the beginning. I couldn't see how it was possible to keep breathing when my heart was shattered.  Just getting out of bed is enough most days. Even the most basic of functioning is exhausting. Be very kind and patient with yourself. Take care of you.

[Jay W]

Thank you all. It is very difficult for me. I have been a hermit (except for my wife) almost all my life. I find it difficult to go to groups or even social gatherings. When I wrote the above post I had just left my wife's bedroom and saw her slippers, handbag and clothes. I usually keep the door closed but needed something in there. I know we all say this but why her? She was beautiful and gentle and so loved by everyone. I never heard her say a bad thing against anyone.

And although I wrote in my first post that we were not the ideal couple we did love each other in our own strange way perhaps. People will say that its too early to say this but I do not ever see myself in a relationship at all. I don't want to be.

[Lostwithoutmyhusband]

59 minutes ago, Jay W said:

Thank you all. It is very difficult for me. I have been a hermit (except for my wife) almost all my life. I find it difficult to go to groups or even social gatherings. When I wrote the above post I had just left my wife's bedroom and saw her slippers, handbag and clothes. I usually keep the door closed but needed something in there. I know we all say this but why her? She was beautiful and gentle and so loved by everyone. I never heard her say a bad thing against anyone.

And although I wrote in my first post that we were not the ideal couple we did love each other in our own strange way perhaps. People will say that its too early to say this but I do not ever see myself in a relationship at all. I don't want to be.

Sorry for your loss and I understand this all too well. My husband and I had a strange relationship too. We had our ups and downs but we loved each other very much. We didn't always show it and I know I loved him more than life itself and I hope he loved me as much. I can not offer any advice as I can barely help myself right now. It is going to be a long road for each of us and we will each handle it differently. 

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Jay W said:

 

Thank you all. It is very difficult for me. I have been a hermit (except for my wife) almost all my life. I find it difficult to go to groups or even social gatherings. When I wrote the above post I had just left my wife's bedroom and saw her slippers, handbag and clothes. I usually keep the door closed but needed something in there. I know we all say this but why her? She was beautiful and gentle and so loved by everyone. I never heard her say a bad thing against anyone.

And although I wrote in my first post that we were not the ideal couple we did love each other in our own strange way perhaps. People will say that its too early to say this but I do not ever see myself in a relationship at all. I don't want to be.

 

I don't feel any relationship is truly perfect. As humans, we have our flaws. But we did manage to find the person perfect for us and we were perfect for them. I lean more towards the introvert side myself. My husband was the more social one. It worked out because he had a way of bringing me out of my shell and giving me more self confidence. We balanced and complemented each other. I don't ever see myself with anyone else either. My husband knew me inside out. I couldn't do that with someone else.

[KMB]

52 minutes ago, Lostwithoutmyhusband said:

. It is going to be a long road for each of us and we will each handle it differently. 

So very true.

[KayC]

My husband and I were neither one perfect but we were perfect for each other and we understood each other and loved each other like no one else ever did. We, too, were a perfect balance for each other.

On 10/22/2017 at 1:32 PM, Jay W said:

People will say that its too early to say this but I do not ever see myself in a relationship at all. I don't want to be.

You can say it to us, we understand!

[Azipod]

On 10/22/2017 at 1:32 PM, Jay W said:

Thank you all. It is very difficult for me. I have been a hermit (except for my wife) almost all my life. I find it difficult to go to groups or even social gatherings. When I wrote the above post I had just left my wife's bedroom and saw her slippers, handbag and clothes. I usually keep the door closed but needed something in there. I know we all say this but why her? She was beautiful and gentle and so loved by everyone. I never heard her say a bad thing against anyone.

And although I wrote in my first post that we were not the ideal couple we did love each other in our own strange way perhaps. People will say that its too early to say this but I do not ever see myself in a relationship at all. I don't want to be.

Jay, I am very sorry about how you feel and what you're going through.  You've come to the right place for support.

It is not unusual to feel like a hermit.  A handful of married couples are, in fact hermits.   I was one even though my wife was not.  I am not anti-social or have anxiety in social gatherings, but I've been too busy during our marriage with building our home that I hardly go out to social gatherings, out with friends, or just out in town to enjoy things.  This is normal.   What happens with us folks, is that once we lose our partner, our world suddenly collapses.  The one person that we spend all of our time with, is suddenly, no longer here.   We are now stuck, alone.    The key here is to push yourself out.   Please do not continue to sit at home.  If you continue being a hermit, you will have some difficulties going through this grief.  You need to push yourself to go out.  Whether that may be the gym, joining a social club (Try MeetUp.com), going to therapy, or simply just start heading out to some place that has people.   If you want to interact with them, then do it.  If not, maybe you can get yourself into a situation to just say a few words.   You need to push yourself to go out.  I know it's hard, but you just have to do it.

As for seeing your wife's belongings.... Yes, those are killers.   Believe me, even my wife's socks laying around behind the front door would kill me.  Toothbrush?  Yeah, that too.   If seeing her things bothering you, you may want to try "consolidating" her stuff.   Rather than to have her things all over the place in the house, try putting them all in one area.  That way you're not going around the house being constantly reminded of her stuff.    If you can, and this is what I did, I actually put away all of her stuff in her drawers or in her closet.  I don't leave any of her stuff out in the open.... aside from our photos.  The photos don't bother me, they actually are comforting to me because I can still see that she's part of my life and that she's still being remembered in the house.    If you have a hard time putting things away, you can ask a friend or call you in-laws to help you.

The initial period is very difficult.  Time will go by very slow.  This is normal.  If therapy did not work for you, perhaps you are too much in the fog right now.  There is no magic pill.  Things will not magically get better over a few weeks.   If you feel you're not connecting with your therapist, perhaps you can try someone else.   If you are connecting, but just simply not getting better, then you may want to continue some time to see how your therapy develops.    

For me, I started psycho-therapy even before the funeral.   I see 3 different therapists each week.  Why 3?   I needed a mixed personality.   But hey, it works for me!     I can't say it often enough.  Try EVERYTHING.     When we lose a spouse/partner, we have nothing else to lose.  so try EVERYTHING possible.

[Paluka]

34 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Believe me, even my wife's socks laying around behind the front door would kill me. 

I remember Lauri had these socks that were worn out. She would never make time to get any new socks so I took it upon myself to get her some. She would normally wear any type of ankle sock. She really didn't care. Well, I went to a sporting goods store and got her 6 or 8 pairs of very comfortable running socks. Several of the pairs even had "left" and "right" on them. I have never experienced someone so appreciative of nice socks. She was so grateful. One day she sent me a text message stating she didn't know if she could make it through work that day. Of course, I asked what was wrong. She said "I have two right socks on! It's going to mess something up!"  She was so cute, funny and caring. God, I miss her so much and today has been especially difficult. Sigh...

[Azipod]

28 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I remember Lauri had these socks that were worn out. She would never make time to get any new socks so I took it upon myself to get her some. She would normally wear any type of ankle sock. She really didn't care. Well, I went to a sporting goods store and got her 6 or 8 pairs of very comfortable running socks. Several of the pairs even had "left" and "right" on them. I have never experienced someone so appreciative of nice socks. She was so grateful. One day she sent me a text message stating she didn't know if she could make it through work that day. Of course, I asked what was wrong. She said "I have two right socks on! It's going to mess something up!"  She was so cute, funny and caring. God, I miss her so much and today has been especially difficult. Sigh...

Paluka -- great story!   It's so beautiful to read and see us all reflect on our loved with our partners.    I know you miss your wife.   Keep these happy memories in your mind and in your heart.  As we work through this grief, thinking about these moments will be how we cherish our loved ones who have passed -- the thoughts and memories will bring us joy rather than pain.   The thoughts will help us carry through the day, and think about how our loved ones gave us the things we have today, and made us who we are today.    These will be happy moments for us to appreciate their love.   I am beginning to see things like this now ... but I would say that I still have a long way to go on this grief journey.

[Paluka]

Thanks Azipod. Today was one of the most difficult days I’ve had. I know I’ll move forward somehow. It really just hurts like nothing else. 

[KMB]

Hang in there, Paluka. I guess that is why some describe grieving as a roller coaster. We just have to hang on for whatever ride each day gives us.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Paluka said:

I remember Lauri had these socks that were worn out. She would never make time to get any new socks so I took it upon myself to get her some. She would normally wear any type of ankle sock. She really didn't care. Well, I went to a sporting goods store and got her 6 or 8 pairs of very comfortable running socks. Several of the pairs even had "left" and "right" on them. I have never experienced someone so appreciative of nice socks. She was so grateful. One day she sent me a text message stating she didn't know if she could make it through work that day. Of course, I asked what was wrong. She said "I have two right socks on! It's going to mess something up!"  She was so cute, funny and caring. God, I miss her so much and today has been especially difficult. Sigh...

Thank you for sharing that, it brought me a smile.  It's those touching things that shows what great love we had for each other.  Not every couple has this, those of us here, we did, that's what makes it so hard to lose that person, even temporarily!

[Paluka]

18 minutes ago, KayC said:

Thank you for sharing that, it brought me a smile.  It's those touching things that shows what great love we had for each other.  Not every couple has this, those of us here, we did, that's what makes it so hard to lose that person, even temporarily!

It has been a couple of really difficult days for me Kay. I promised I would go to the gym and I have. I'm nowhere near where I once was but at least I'm trying. I cried all day yesterday, had to leave the gym because I broke down (in hysterics) and cried all night. I have been crying this morning too. I am trying my best to stay at work but all I want to do is go home. The uncertainty of how she died, what caused her death is driving me nuts. Most of all, the sadness and overwhelming loneliness is so painful. I keep envisioning her at home and get mad because this is not supposed to happen. 

[Patti14]

1 hour ago, Paluka said:

It has been a couple of really difficult days for me Kay. I promised I would go to the gym and I have. I'm nowhere near where I once was but at least I'm trying. I cried all day yesterday, had to leave the gym because I broke down (in hysterics) and cried all night. I have been crying this morning too. I am trying my best to stay at work but all I want to do is go home. The uncertainty of how she died, what caused her death is driving me nuts. Most of all, the sadness and overwhelming loneliness is so painful. I keep envisioning her at home and get mad because this is not supposed to happen. 

Same here I have been having a rough few days to. All I want to do at work is go home to. I can't stop crying. Last night it was raining so hard. All I wanted to do was cuddle with my husband and watch movies. He's not there but I keep hoping he will be. It is so sad and lonely 

[Paluka]

28 minutes ago, Patti14 said:

Same here I have been having a rough few days to. All I want to do at work is go home to. I can't stop crying. Last night it was raining so hard. All I wanted to do was cuddle with my husband and watch movies. He's not there but I keep hoping he will be. It is so sad and lonely 

Yes it is. This wave has been pretty brutal. I found myself going back into a sort of denial. Yelling angrily that this is not fair and telling Lauri that she wasn't supposed to leave me. Mad at God and simply overwhelmed.

[KMB]

I am so sorry for your pain, Paluka. I wish I could say something, but we know there are no words. I still cry and yell when I hit the lows and feel overwhelmed. Just know we are here to listen and commiserate with you.

[Azipod]

2 hours ago, Paluka said:

It has been a couple of really difficult days for me Kay. I promised I would go to the gym and I have. I'm nowhere near where I once was but at least I'm trying. I cried all day yesterday, had to leave the gym because I broke down (in hysterics) and cried all night. I have been crying this morning too. I am trying my best to stay at work but all I want to do is go home. The uncertainty of how she died, what caused her death is driving me nuts. Most of all, the sadness and overwhelming loneliness is so painful. I keep envisioning her at home and get mad because this is not supposed to happen. 

Paluka -- Around the 6-week period was when things started to get really difficult for me.   It is when life started to settle down, the immediate actions have been completed, the friends/family has gone away, and you are beginning to embark on this journey, alone.   I started sensing new things, getting glimpses of my new life, without my wife.  I started wondering how in the world I would manage to keep living without my wife.   It was the start of a very difficult time.   

Like you, I didn't have full knowledge of how my wife passed, although I knew of her underlying medical condition and what the foreign doctors told me.  But I wanted to see the autopsy records -- I needed to see the cause of death.  I didn't get that until recently.   So yes, bearing this pain while wanting some sort of closure can be very difficult.

The only thing I can say is that you've survived for 6-weeks.  You can do it.  We are all living proof of that.   It's brutal, like you say.  It is not even by any means.   But you will make it and you will have to keep pushing yourself.  All you have to think about, is making it through today.  If you want, you can think about tomorrow.  But you don't have to think any further than that.

7 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Yes it is. This wave has been pretty brutal. I found myself going back into a sort of denial. Yelling angrily that this is not fair and telling Lauri that she wasn't supposed to leave me. Mad at God and simply overwhelmed.

I'm sure you've heard it already.  But having some anger is normal.  For me, I cried in the shower every morning asking her how could she leave me.  Even though I knew she didn't have a choice, I just felt so upset that she left me to live the rest of my life without her.    Anger for me, didn't last very long.  I had more sadness than anything else.    Do what you have to do.  Yell, scream, just get the emotions out of you.    

[Patti14]

20 minutes ago, Paluka said:

Yes it is. This wave has been pretty brutal. I found myself going back into a sort of denial. Yelling angrily that this is not fair and telling Lauri that she wasn't supposed to leave me. Mad at God and simply overwhelmed.

Me to. I thought I was ok for half a second and bam it hit me again. I am so angry and bitter. I am so overwhelmed abs and don't know where to go from here. Hugs to you my friend. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[KMB]

Sending prayers and virtual hugs to you, Patti.

I am looking at a long, lonely afternoon here myself. I spent a good part of yesterday outside, but today it is only 40 and under a wind advisory until nightfall. Last night, the outside light went out and I was just out there using one of those pole bulb changers. That was enough of the cold and wind for me. Now, find something to keep myself busy inside. I hate this. I need my husband.

[Jay W]

Quote

 

Being a hermit is not something new. I had a few friends but even going to events I usually never socialized. I like my company. My idea of bliss is sitting in my yard with a book watching my animals play. My wife used to be with me. She had her own bedroom which is the way it always was. The door is closed and I am sure there are a lot of dust bunnies under the bed. I had to in to get to the vault and that is when it hit me again.

I was going to treat myself to a movie last night but never made it. I felt sick and depressed. I do love being home because it is "our" home. I have my wife's ashes on a sideboard in the dining room with at least a dozen photos around it. I talk to her daily although of late I am not saying much. It gets boring repeating the same things.

[Azipod]

16 hours ago, Jay W said:

Being a hermit is not something new. I had a few friends but even going to events I usually never socialized. I like my company. My idea of bliss is sitting in my yard with a book watching my animals play. My wife used to be with me. She had her own bedroom which is the way it always was. The door is closed and I am sure there are a lot of dust bunnies under the bed. I had to in to get to the vault and that is when it hit me again.

I was going to treat myself to a movie last night but never made it. I felt sick and depressed. I do love being home because it is "our" home. I have my wife's ashes on a sideboard in the dining room with at least a dozen photos around it. I talk to her daily although of late I am not saying much. It gets boring repeating the same things.

Jay, I agree that sometimes it's great to do nothing and just to be home -- to be in a setting where your heart can cherish and remember your wife.  As busy as I am trying new things to tackle my grief journey, I've been pretty exhausted in the last few weeks.   Now, I have times where I intentionally stay home just because.   And I am OK with that.  I can do it.   It was something I could not do at home because our home was something we created and built together -- it was "ours."   It was so hard for me to be in "our home" without her there.    But now, I've conquered (might be too strong of a word but I'll use it today) the grief which prevents me from staying home.   Like you, I can stay home and find comfort and peace..... knowing that this is where I belong and where I can connect to my wife with my heart.

[KayC]

Paluka,

I'm sorry it's so rough for you right now.  Hang onto this: It won't always be this horrid, you will adapt somewhat.  There's a certain amount we will always carry, but not like it was in those early months.

[KavitaHubby]

HI Paluka and Jay,

Hang in there and things will get little easier with time. If you don't feel like doing anything its fine just take some rest or listen to music. People say walking in wood calms you down so please try. 

[Sadtweety]

On 10/21/2017 at 4:50 PM, Jay W said:

hello - has not been long since I lost her. but time does not heal my wounds. it is getting worse every day. I sit by myself 90% of the time and my mind is wandering back to our life together. it wasn't perfect. we stayed together because we had nowhere else to go. we fought, swore, threatened and threw things. no physical hurt just mental. as she was dying I took care of her. it was not easy and my patience wore thin. I had difficulty coping and caring but did the best I could. it was not easy. my life is gone and I don't know how much longer I can take what is left. I am not going to physically hurt myself but am sure my heart will break before long. I am in such a rut and my friends seem to be abandoning me now. they are tired of my whining.

I have tried counselling but it does not do anything. I won't do drugs or alcohol. but I am so distraught I frequently feel sick. I am surprised when I awake in the morning. I just cannot do this any longer.

I fully understand what you are going through.  My honey passed on September29. I feel lost. It doesn't seem real. 

[Jay W]

Quote

 

As you may know I kept my wife at home. In the last few months she slid downhill quickly. Simple things like not finding the light switch or wanting to brush her teeth every 5 minutes or wanting the toilet every 10 minutes was frustrating. I realize now but could not imagine it at the time but her brain was misfiring - to use an awful term. I got very frustrated and lost patience at times when I had to help her over and over. I feel guilty about my lack of patience but they say (whoever they are) that it was her brain and she was not aware.

This I finally understood and hoped she did not die thinking I was angry. In the last weeks I did everything for her and sat with her for hours and hoped that this was the image she remembers. But if her brain was causing this confusion maybe she didn't realize my caring for her. Its all so much unknown. If I could shed the guilt over this it would help me considerably. 

[KMB]

Jay W,

I don't know what to say to ease your feelings of guilt. We all go through this burden of guilt in the early days and weeks. It is just part of the grieving process. Our minds are trying to process what happened and our pain is intense. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling constantly.

It is normal to feel stressed, frustrated, and lose patience, when being a caregiver. As humans, there is only so much we can do, and care giving, without any help or some breaks for self care compounds those feelings.

Your wife may not have been aware mentally, that you were with her constantly, taking care of her, but her soul knows. That is what you need to remember. We all have a soul and the soul leaves the body just before physical death. Your wife knows how much you love her. She knows how well you took care of her. She knows---- So please, forgive yourself. You have nothing to be guilty of. You did your best by her and you took care of her, out of your love for her.

[Azipod]

1 hour ago, Jay W said:

As you may know I kept my wife at home. In the last few months she slid downhill quickly. Simple things like not finding the light switch or wanting to brush her teeth every 5 minutes or wanting the toilet every 10 minutes was frustrating. I realize now but could not imagine it at the time but her brain was misfiring - to use an awful term. I got very frustrated and lost patience at times when I had to help her over and over. I feel guilty about my lack of patience but they say (whoever they are) that it was her brain and she was not aware.

This I finally understood and hoped she did not die thinking I was angry. In the last weeks I did everything for her and sat with her for hours and hoped that this was the image she remembers. But if her brain was causing this confusion maybe she didn't realize my caring for her. Its all so much unknown. If I could shed the guilt over this it would help me considerably. 

Jay, don't be too hard on yourself.  We all learn from life experiences and we grow as a result of going through these difficult times.  Like you, I was quite frustrated with my wife during the last few days because I did not know what was going on.   Little did I know that the end of her life was coming.   When the doctors told me that she couldn't make it, I couldn't believe it.  Not in the sense that she's no longer around, but in the sense that I only thought that she was sick .  I had no idea what she was going through was life-threatening.

I have not really had any survivors guilt.  I don't think we can blame ourselves.   If we can all look into the future then life would always be happy and dandy because we know what is in store for us.   Just think about your intentions.  We all know that you wanted the best for your wife, but you may have been caught up in the moment.   Regardless, your wife is still around, she's just in the spirit form.   She knows you are hurting and how you are feeling, as well as your thoughts.   As long as you are taking care of things now, cherishing her, remembering her, she will know how you truly feel.   Over in the spirit world, there are no grudges.  When we cross over, our entire life makes sense.   So while your wife is on the other side, she's already seen what has happened and understand how things unfolded.   It's all love on the other side.  Rest assured that you are viewed positively in your wife's eyes.

Be kind and take good care of yourself. 

[KayC]

If your wife was not aware of having just gone to the bathroom, etc. she also was likely unaware of your impatience.  It's normal to be frustrated with constant recurrence.  We're human.  However, the underlying feeling of your being there with her and for there would have seeped through.  That is something committed to our brain's memory with feelings, and is remembered differently.  You have nothing to feel guilty of, you were there for her.  Like Azipod says, we gain a broadened perspective when we cross over.

[Stonesie]

Jay I think a lot of us go through the "what if" stuff - I know I still am examining every detail of the last few days of my husband's life wondering what little things I could have done differently...the answer is that nothing I could have done would have ultimately made any difference...yet I still keep going over every single thing.  

Everything is so new and raw right now for you.  I can't really tell you that it will hurt less but I think we just start feeling a new normal.  As for me I have this cloud over me, just a lot of sad.  But I'm not crying 100% of the time anymore which I think is better than it was before.  I expect to probably have a dreadful holiday season (he died Christmas Day) but I imagine as the years pass it won't be as absolutely raw.

Get up each day, if you can, and do something.  Doesn't have to be much.

Sorry that you have to go through this like the rest of us.  It's a very tough club to be in

[Jay W]

Quote

 

Being harder than I expected. it should be easing off a bit and it was but it hit me again this week. On Saturday my left calf was sore and swollen. I went to the ER and they took blood and I was told I have a very small clot. They scheduled me for a ultrasound and it showed nothing at all. I went home and 2 days later it started to swell again. I saw my GP and he ordered the lab reports and will see me this week. Now that I am alone I feel much more vulnerable and if this is what I can expect in the future I don't want any of it. Why can two doctors have 2 opinions? Do these people know anything? It is so frustrating and this problem can be potentially life threatening. Then again as I wrote previously, we are only numbers in the system.

Another point is that many people tell me to get away from the house. I don't want to. After visiting cancer clinics, hospitals, doctors, imaging labs and blood draws I just want to go home. It is my safe haven.

One of our local charities is having a Christmas bazaar and I am donating items. A lot of the items belonged to my wife and just going through them killed me. I saw where she had made Christmas gift lists and addresses of cards to send and it got me crying deep and for a long time. I am crying now as I write. I can never see my life turning around and I don't want it to. I just want her.

[Tineke H]

On 1/11/2017 at 1:12 PM, Stonesie said:

As for me I have this cloud over me, just a lot of sad.  But I'm not crying 100% of the time anymore which I think is better than it was before

Hi Stonesie,this is me in a nutshell.My husband died nearly 17 months ago and here I am, still very sad.I have a 'good' life with family and friends around me and I have no money worries but God I am so sad.

[Stonesie]

5 hours ago, Tineke Tjepkema said:

Hi Stonesie,this is me in a nutshell.My husband died nearly 17 months ago and here I am, still very sad.I have a 'good' life with family and friends around me and I have no money worries but God I am so sad.

Exactly.  Seems like that's just how it is now.  But I DO have money worries.  Everything else is good though.  Family, etc.  But just sad.

[Stonesie]

8 hours ago, Jay W said:

One of our local charities is having a Christmas bazaar and I am donating items. A lot of the items belonged to my wife and just going through them killed me. I saw where she had made Christmas gift lists and addresses of cards to send and it got me crying deep and for a long time. I am crying now as I write. I can never see my life turning around and I don't want it to. I just want her.

Jay you're braver than me.  I still can't even think of giving his things away.  I did give a few things to my daughters, but to me that feels like it's still close.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Jay W said:

Being harder than I expected. it should be easing off a bit and it was but it hit me again this week. On Saturday my left calf was sore and swollen. I went to the ER and they took blood and I was told I have a very small clot. They scheduled me for a ultrasound and it showed nothing at all. I went home and 2 days later it started to swell again. I saw my GP and he ordered the lab reports and will see me this week. Now that I am alone I feel much more vulnerable and if this is what I can expect in the future I don't want any of it. Why can two doctors have 2 opinions? Do these people know anything? It is so frustrating and this problem can be potentially life threatening. Then again as I wrote previously, we are only numbers in the system.

Another point is that many people tell me to get away from the house. I don't want to. After visiting cancer clinics, hospitals, doctors, imaging labs and blood draws I just want to go home. It is my safe haven.

One of our local charities is having a Christmas bazaar and I am donating items. A lot of the items belonged to my wife and just going through them killed me. I saw where she had made Christmas gift lists and addresses of cards to send and it got me crying deep and for a long time. I am crying now as I write. I can never see my life turning around and I don't want it to. I just want her.

I'm sorry you're having medical issues and hope they get to the bottom of it SOON.  If you don't feel anything sounds right, keep searching, get third opinion.  The problem comes into play when something can indicate more than one thing and they aren't sure between them what is going on, they need to do some exploring.  Have they done an MRI?  Yes, we feel more vulnerable, it's amazing the strength we gleaned from our spouse!

That first Christmas I already knew what card I was making, I'd won a contest with it and it was inspired by George, my fisherman.    The hard part was signing them.  His signature was supposed to be next to mine.

[KMB]

Jay W,   I hope you find the real cause for your medical issue and that it can be treated. I sympathize with you over the Christmas stuff. Donating is a good cause, but at the same time, it shreds your heart even more. Our loved one is not here to make more holiday memories. This unwanted road we are on and did not agree to, is terrible and so painful.

[Azipod]

On 11/2/2017 at 2:08 PM, Jay W said:

Another point is that many people tell me to get away from the house. I don't want to. After visiting cancer clinics, hospitals, doctors, imaging labs and blood draws I just want to go home. It is my safe haven.

One of our local charities is having a Christmas bazaar and I am donating items. A lot of the items belonged to my wife and just going through them killed me. I saw where she had made Christmas gift lists and addresses of cards to send and it got me crying deep and for a long time. I am crying now as I write. I can never see my life turning around and I don't want it to. I just want her.

Jay W -- I don't recall your angel date.  However, for myself, I've realized that my desires to either "go out" or "stay home" changes over time.  During my earlier months, I had to find every reason to go out and to do things, partially because I could not bear having the entire house to myself -- it was just plain strange because my wife and I always did things together.  It was very unusual to not have her there.       Now that things have calmed down, I'm actually beginning to have days where I just want to go home, and be home, even if it means that I am going to be home alone.  It sounds bad, but it's almost like the start of a desire to be isolated and to not be around other people.   I have to monitor my own feelings to see how it will go.  It seems that with time, our mood can change.   Perhaps even over a short period of time like a week.

As far as giving things away, just be mindful that you are not going to be giving away things which you may regret down the line.  For me, I don't plan to give away things for a long long time.  I know that there are just things, even simple things, that draw and bring back a lot of memory.   Things can have a lot of sentimental value.

[Azipod]

16 hours ago, Stonesie said:

Exactly.  Seems like that's just how it is now.  But I DO have money worries.  Everything else is good though.  Family, etc.  But just sad.

Even though I'm new at this ..... I think I understand the "sad" part.   It's pretty much the big piece of my residual pain these days.   Gone is the confusion, the fog... but what remains is the pain from the sadness.    Feels like a big dark cloud following me everywhere I go.   Sounds like it's going to be like this for a while.

[Jay W]

With a doctor's appointment, a bank visit, buying special light bulbs and getting compression socks for my legs I was gone 4 hours. I could not wait to get home - my safe haven. As to giving away items I very much recall that when my wife's parents passed away in England her brother called in a contractor to "clear" the house. He was paid $1000 Pounds for the entire contents of the house. Although I was not there at the time, I had been and there were some 200 year old antiques in that house along with other valuable personal items. All taken away in half a day and who knows what happened to them.

I am alone here and do not feel I will be around long so I want to make sure that certain treasures go to certain people or organizations that can benefit from them. My wife who was always talking about downsizing would be pleased. Besides a lot of these items were mine as well.

[KayC]

I think if we wait and listen with our being we'll know when it's right and what to do with everything, no hurry.  I found it almost comical that George's closet rod broke just two weeks after his death.  I boxed everything up, then went out into the garage and made a new closet rod.  Everything sat in the corner until it hit me one day what I was to do with his clothes.  I donated them to Sponsors, an organization that helps inmates when the get out...they leave prison with the clothes on their back.  George was always helping the down and out-ers.  Always helping the homeless, giving rides to people who needed it, he'd give the clothes off his back to someone...and in this instance, he did just that, once again.