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Feeling so lost, lonely and empty


Cath92

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My husband of 25 years suddenly and unexpectedly died on September 18th, 2017; almost 5 weeks ago, but it feels like forever since I've seen him. He was my soulmate, my best friend, my life partner and I'm missing him so much! We met when I was 17 and he was 20, so everything I knew about life included him. He was my protector, the person that I shared everything with and the only man that knew everything about me and continued to love me unconditionally. As I sit here looking around the house, I just can't believe that our lives together are over. It's painful to think and believe that he's really gone. The past 25 years seem like a long time, but I now know that it was far to short. I'm not sure how or even if I want to continue going on without him; the pain is unbearable at times to think of another hour, another day, another month without him. I feel so lonely and lost since he's been gone, even with all of the people that have been in and out of our house.

We have 3 amazing children, which two of them are adults and we only had 3 years left before our last child would be an adult. My only goals in life, when we were young, were to be a mother and wife. I immensely enjoyed having children and having a husband that I could love on and have by my side. There were so many dreams and hopes that we had together that will never be fulfilled, so many plans for the future. We only had 10 short months alone and together before our first child was born almost 24 years ago, so we were looking forward to having the next 40+years to build new hobbies together and to sit back and watch our children become successful in their own lives. Life seems so miserable now and I feel like all of the joy has been sucked out of me.

He was so good to me and our children; he was a man that never complained about helping us out. He sat back and encouraged me to pursue my education and career goals; he was truly content with how life was going. He had a tough exterior, but was so loving and gentle to his family. I miss every single thing about him and feel so empty without his companionship. I'm now a widow at 42yrs. old and life doesn't seem the same. I love my children dearly and do everything I can to support them in there pain and I never imagined my heart would feel so empty, especially with my children still being by my side.

Please help me, this deep sadness that takes my breath away is more than I can handle sometimes. I'm hoping to gain new insight, input, encouragement and connections with others that have and are currently experiencing this unimaginable grief and pain.

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I'm sorry for your loss Cath. I feel your pain although my husband and I didn't have children but we both lost our other half. I am only in my 11 weeks like you still struggling and in  so much pain. But you're not alone .

I have been reading a lot of self healing  and life after death books.  I believe that my husband has just graduated from this physical world and that we will see each other again . I also believe that he's always with me and the only thing that connects us is our unconditional love for each other. This is a horrible journey it's a roller coaster. Be open to everything and try your best to take care of yourself. You still have your kids. They will need you too. I know it's easier said than done , that's why stay in this forum and there are a lot of people here who really care and will help us to somehow survive. 

 

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Cath,

You are so new in your loss, my heart goes out to you.  It's been 12 years for me but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the rest of my life.  I wrote this article a while back and I hope it will be of help to you as you make your way through this.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On ‎10‎/‎21‎/‎2017 at 3:17 PM, Maria0419 said:

I'm sorry for your loss Cath. I feel your pain although my husband and I didn't have children but we both lost our other half. I am only in my 11 weeks like you still struggling and in  so much pain. But you're not alone .

 

Quote

I'm sorry for your loss too Maria0419! Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in this; it's sad to meet others for this reason, but I know that death is a part of life we will all experience one day. I miss him beyond what I can describe and believe that I'm still in shock from his sudden death. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

 

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On ‎10‎/‎21‎/‎2017 at 4:13 PM, KayC said:

Cath,

You are so new in your loss, my heart goes out to you.  It's been 12 years for me but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the rest of my life.  I wrote this article a while back and I hope it will be of help to you as you make your way through this.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you KayC, I appreciate the tips and advice! I pray that one day I can make it through 5-6 hrs.even without crying or feeling such heartbreak that I have a hard time functioning. I'm sorry for your loss too!

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On 10/21/2017 at 0:43 PM, Cath92 said:

My husband of 25 years suddenly and unexpectedly died on September 18th, 2017; almost 5 weeks ago, but it feels like forever since I've seen him. He was my soulmate, my best friend, my life partner and I'm missing him so much! We met when I was 17 and he was 20, so everything I knew about life included him. He was my protector, the person that I shared everything with and the only man that knew everything about me and continued to love me unconditionally. As I sit here looking around the house, I just can't believe that our lives together are over. It's painful to think and believe that he's really gone. The past 25 years seem like a long time, but I now know that it was far to short. I'm not sure how or even if I want to continue going on without him; the pain is unbearable at times to think of another hour, another day, another month without him. I feel so lonely and lost since he's been gone, even with all of the people that have been in and out of our house.

We have 3 amazing children, which two of them are adults and we only had 3 years left before our last child would be an adult. My only goals in life, when we were young, were to be a mother and wife. I immensely enjoyed having children and having a husband that I could love on and have by my side. There were so many dreams and hopes that we had together that will never be fulfilled, so many plans for the future. We only had 10 short months alone and together before our first child was born almost 24 years ago, so we were looking forward to having the next 40+years to build new hobbies together and to sit back and watch our children become successful in their own lives. Life seems so miserable now and I feel like all of the joy has been sucked out of me.

He was so good to me and our children; he was a man that never complained about helping us out. He sat back and encouraged me to pursue my education and career goals; he was truly content with how life was going. He had a tough exterior, but was so loving and gentle to his family. I miss every single thing about him and feel so empty without his companionship. I'm now a widow at 42yrs. old and life doesn't seem the same. I love my children dearly and do everything I can to support them in there pain and I never imagined my heart would feel so empty, especially with my children still being by my side.

Please help me, this deep sadness that takes my breath away is more than I can handle sometimes. I'm hoping to gain new insight, input, encouragement and connections with others that have and are currently experiencing this unimaginable grief and pain.

It will feel just like yesterday and forever at the same time. I am so sorry for your loss and pain, feeling lost, lonely and confused. There will be frustration, anger, anxiety. So many emotions and feelings can be swirling all at the same time. I was with my husband for 25 years and he passed suddenly of cardiac arrest. If someone had told me in the beginning, the date I would lose my husband, I would not have believed them. He was such a strong, active person. Even if I had believed I would lose him, I would have still stayed. Our love was/is strong and we met every challenge together. Even though I am hurting, missing him every second, I feel blessed that I was chosen to spend the rest of his life with him.

It really is hard to believe our loved ones are gone. I still have a hard time comprehending how a person can be here one moment and gone the next.

You and your children will be able to survive and lean on each other. Your husband left you a legacy of his love with you all. Hang on tightly to each other and your husband will be proud of all of you for being able to continue on. It will be easier said than done. Surviving on a different path is going to be the hardest thing you will do.

The best advice I have been given is to take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. Just try to put one foot in front of the other. You will stumble and fall many times. But, you will also keep getting up and keep plugging away. Be patient and kind to yourself. This grieving process takes a very long time.

Sending you prayers for strength, comfort, love and peace.

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19 hours ago, Cath92 said:

Thank you KayC, I appreciate the tips and advice! I pray that one day I can make it through 5-6 hrs.even without crying or feeling such heartbreak that I have a hard time functioning. I'm sorry for your loss too!

I rarely cry anymore although I sure did the first few years, but I continually miss him and love him.  There hasn't been one day go by but he's on my mind and in my heart.  I have learned to carry him inside of me.

As we do our grief work, we get better at adjusting and coping, but for now just surviving the day is enough to strive for.  I agree with the one day at a time, living in the present, one foot in front of the other, it gets me by still.

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23 hours ago, Cath92 said:

Thank you KayC, I appreciate the tips and advice! I pray that one day I can make it through 5-6 hrs.even without crying or feeling such heartbreak that I have a hard time functioning. I'm sorry for your loss too!

Cath92, it is OK to cry.  You don't want all of your emotions stuck inside your body. You have to let it out.  You can never cry too much.

I've cried everyday since my wife's passing.   This week, I've had some days where I did not cry.  It's a turning point for me.  But I think it is absolutely OK to cry.

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I am so sorry for your loss , prayers and thoughts are with you at this time of deep heartache , I lost my husband August 24 after 43 years of marriage and it's true one hour 1 day at a time , i hope everyone here helps you ! this is my safe place no one knows the hurt unless you've gone through a loss of a loved one ❤️

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On 10/21/2017 at 0:43 PM, Cath92 said:

He was my soulmate, my best friend, my life partner and I'm missing him so much! We met when I was 17 and he was 20, so everything I knew about life included him. He was my protector, the person that I shared everything with and the only man that knew everything about me and continued to love me unconditionally. As I sit here looking around the house, I just can't believe that our lives together are over. It's painful to think and believe that he's really gone. The past 25 years seem like a long time, but I now know that it was far to short. I'm not sure how or even if I want to continue going on without him; the pain is unbearable at times to think of another hour, another day, another month without him. I feel so lonely and lost since he's been gone, even with all of the people that have been in and out of our house.

I am so sorry for your loss and know your pain only too well.  My Charles and I met when we were 18, and married at 20.  Like you, he was the only man I ever loved and our lives included each other.  There was no him without me and no me without him.  It was always Charles and Francine and he was my world. It is shocking when your world falls to pieces and everything and everyone around you carries on with life.  It is like you have been frozen in time and are now watching life through a movie.  As the weeks and months roll by, life becomes more real again, but you never forget that point in time where your life stood still.  I know you miss him and it's OK. It's OK to say his name, to cry, to laugh, to breathe deeply.  It's OK to smile when you think of him; it's OK to function and to have days when you can't function.  It's OK to be angry, to be thankful; to love again; It's OK to remember to forget, to be honest with yourself; to trust again.   It's just OK! Sometimes its OK if the only thing you did today was breathe.

When you go through a loss so close, everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be.  But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief do they?  It's not optional.  You just have to cry in the shower, sob on your pillow and pray to God you make it.   People think they know you.  They think they know how you're handling a situation.  But the truth is, no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them when you're lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream.  They don't know what's going on inside your head - the mind - dazed with anger, sadness and guilt.  They just don't know and so they pretend and want to think you are coming along great when you're really not.  And this makes everyone feel better - everyone but you.

I certainly know and feel the immeasurable pain and grief you are experiencing and I know for certain the “progress” of moving through the uncharted waters of grief after such a tragic loss is immeasurable. It’s one step forward, four steps back. It’s treading water, with your head slightly above, until you’re not. It’s swimming along, then drowning without notice.  But know that it will someday be OK, just not today.

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