I don't know what I'm doing anymore

[Sweetheart346]

In five minutes as I'm typing this, it will be five months since my mother has passed. I feel like this month will not be one I can manage like I did in September. This is especially because of how I'm a sophomore in college and I don't know what I'm doing. My major was officially nursing. I thought I could be strong and finish it for my mother. After all, she wanted me to become a nurse more than I did myself. A&P 1 class definitely changed my mind on that. I am currently failing it with a D. I'm doing all the extra credit I can but nothing is helping it since tests bring it right back down. Tutoring and speaking to the professor do not help either. Due to financial difficulties in my family now because of my mother passing away, I cannot drop or withdraw from the class without FAFSA making me have to pay it back. So I'm being forced to finish it. I hate the class so much. Especially lectures about cancer and white blood cells or bone marrow. They all relate to my mother and just remind me of how she died. The information doesn't comfort me in any way.  The professor always relates some topics to her mother. And how she is alive and strong at 70. Mine did not even live to see 55. Just ruins my mood for the rest of the day. I feel useless. I wish my mom was here to help me decide on what else to do since nursing isn't working out for me. I now hate the idea of working in a field where some people die. I spoke to a career counselor and I still cannot decide on a major. I hate how the rest of my friends know exactly what they are doing with their lives. Some even graduatiing earlier than me. I have low energy no matter how much sleep or exercise I do. I never have enough energy to do extra studying, I barely even enjoy doing the homework that is actually assigned. I'm tired of getting flashbacks to this summer I lost my mother. No matter what I do to keep my mind off of it, I eventually remember it again. Everyone else on my campus is happy and enjoying their lives. Can't help but to feel jealous. I've never been so lost in my life.

[sadandlost]

Dear Sweetheart346,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  I too keep wishing I could talk to my mom so she could help me.  I feel lost too so I understand what you're going through.

I wish I could offer something of value to say.  I'm surprised that talking to your professor did not help?  Does he know what you've been through?  I can't believe if you drop out you'd have to pay the money back?  I've never heard of such a thing.  You're in such a difficult situation and I feel for you.  How long do you have left to complete?  I understand how hard it is to see people enjoying life and be happy, I feel like that too.  I'm jealous of people who still have their mother, who have loving supportive families.  Low energy comes form anxiety and depression.  Its exhausting.  I'm sorry you are going through all this, its hard enough to lose a mother in itself without all the extra stress.  As difficult as Flashbacks are, I realise its a normal part of grief.  I still have them after 9 months.

[Strangefate]

I just wanted to express my sympathy as well.  In my situation I feel like I don't have enough to occupy my time to distract me from the sad thoughts, yet what I do have to do I can't really focus on or care about.   Nothing seems important.  I can't help but feel constant regrets that I didn't spend more time with her, that I didn't somehow prevent it, that I wasn't as good a son as I could have been to someone who loved me unconditionally, that I never got to say goodbye.  I feel like my own thoughts are actively trying to hurt me but I can't stop them from coming.  

I have a friend in nursing actually who is in a similar position of questioning if its what she really wants to do.  Not from grief but general depression and lack of interest in the subject.  Her parents are pushing her to do it though.  I can say as someone who got a degree just to get a degree, going into a profession that makes you miserable may not be worth it.  I can't actively advise you to drop as I don't know you but I'm sure your mother would have wanted you to find a way to be happy and healthy more than she wanted you to be a nurse or anything else.