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midnight0thoughts

Lying that my parents are still alive

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I lost my biological parents 3 years ago when I was 16. I am now 19, and moved to a different country for school. 

My friends back home know, but in my new life, when the subject of parents come up, I simply say that they are divorced. I talk about them in the present tense, and haven't told any of my friends. I don't want to be seen differently because I'm a orphan. All of my friends have parents, I don't want to be talked to or treated differently. 

Its been getting harder to talk about them this way, and sometimes I feel like I really need emotional support. I feel guilty about lying like this, but I don't know what else to do. 

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Dear midnight0thoughts,

I'm so sorry for your tragic loss at such a young age.  My cousin lost his father at a very young age and used to make up stories about him when he was at school.  I don't think its uncommon.  Its probably traumatic to talk about and you just want to fit in now.  i can understand that.  The longer it goes on if your friends become good friends it will be harder and harder going on with the lies though.  I'm so sorry you're in this position.  Its so hard.  You've already gone through the tragedy of both your parents gone, to have to explain is painful.  Also people can't know you properly if you don't share such a significant part of your life.  I get how hard it is though.  So sorry.

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Dgiirl   

@midnight0thoughts  my deepest condolences on the loss of both your parents.  I know how difficult and painful losing a loved one is, and having to tell people and reliving all those emotions is very uncomfortable at times.  However, I have learned too many people feel shame or awkwardness around various life situations because other people keep quiet and don't share.  Because of this, there is no proper role models of healthy people experiencing bad situations and so stigma's around tough situations develop.  Which becomes a vicious cycle because people don't want to share due to the stigmas.  One thing I try to do in my life is break that cycle of shame and stigma for other people by being up front with my current life situation, whether it's a breakup, divorce or a death in the family.  One doesn't have to go into great detail or create drama around the situation when sharing, but it is perfectly acceptable and admirable to show people how resilient you are by admitting you are going through a difficult time and working through that.  That shows how other people can do it too and helps them when it's their turn, because bad things can and will happen to everyone.  And for that very rare person who might not quiet understand and might lack some compassion when you share, remember, that's on them, not you.  At that moment, they are being a bad role model due to ignorance of the situation you are going through.  Be compassionate towards them but move along and don't let them take you down.  Almost everyone else will be compassionate towards you.  They might not know exactly the perfect words to express, but they will understand and support you any way they can, and when it's their turn, you might see them looking up to you as a role model.

This forum is a perfect example of being a good role model and breaking the stigma around life's situations.  By sharing our stories here, a lot of people will read them and gain courage to continue on with their own situation.  This only happens because we share our stories here.

 

 

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