Battling anxiety after losing mother

[Grant]

First ever post to a forum but here goes.

I lost my mam a little over 2 years ago to cancer, started out in her lungs and spread to her spine, kidneys, lymph nodes and eventually brain. Finding out she was terminal came as a shock as my mam and dad had been lying to the family about her prognosis, we were all told her treatments were going fine and she was expected to live a long life. We found out this was a lie 2 months before she passed. All the family were there in the end and i was the one to check her pulse and confirm she had left. It was 2 days after her 53rd birthday.

I initially focused on moving forward, i have a young child and was also planning a wedding at the time (that was hard in itself). I went to see a councilor after a few months because i was struggling to cope. After that everything seemed fine, i felt i was beginning to move past it and i got married last year (a few tears were shed for her being missing from the day). 

Fast forward to now, i've started to struggle with stress and anxiety. I think i had a panic attack last night, i say "think" because i'm honestly not sure. I feel dizzy pretty much all the time and sometimes struggle to catch my breath. I even had a few moments of confusion where i forget where i am or what i'm doing. I'm taking some medication to help with anxiety which has helped a little but not much.

The whole reason i'm writing here is because i find i'm so angry with myself, it's been over 2 years now and i feel i don't have a right to still be struggling with this stuff. I also don't understand how i'm getting these physical effects now but didn't when my mam died. 

I don't want to have the rest of my life defined by this.

Does anyone else still find they struggle after several years?

[sadandlost]

Dear Grant,

I'm very sorry for your loss.  I have been reading a lot of posts for months.  My mother died 9 months ago.  It feels worse for me now.  Its a different type of grief now.  If you start reading a lot of posts you will see many many people still struggling years later.  Its normal.  There are so many layers and stages of grief it feels unending.  We all want to feel better and go on with our lives but its hard.  I had never suffered panic attacks but I have had 2 since my mother died.  Losing a mother Its unchartered territory.  There is nothing to compare it to I think its why we have so much anxiety and fear.  Loss is very hard.  Don't be harder on yourself, its too much to add being angry with yourself for grieving and not being ok.  None of us are ok.  Thats why we are here.