Members CandraD Posted October 18, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 18, 2017 Sunday morning was a regular morning at our house. We recently built a new house with a lounging pool and planned on staying here for a few years and then building again. Saturday night we had a little party at our house with friends. Later Saturday night we had a storm and it’s blew our patio rug into our pool. Sunday morning when I woke to let my babies out for a bathroom break and saw the rug, I thought nothing of it. Ozzy, our rescued Pekingese, who came to us in 2010, was my pride and joy. I loved him liked I have loved no one else. I love and have loved all my babies, but there was something special about my Ozzy. I told my husband that for me to move into this house, there had to be protection so Ozzy wouldn’t fall in the pool. I knew he couldn’t swim well and it was just a hazard. The protection was overlooked with our busy lives and letting our guard down. Sunday morning I let everyone out for their normal bathroom break. I went into the her house like I normally do to use the restroom and let our cat Tuna our of her room. I was in the house maybe 4 minutes and when I went to let them back in I noticed that our 2 other dogs, Pedro and Prada were anxious and something was wrong. I didn’t see Oz at the door waiting like he normally was. I screamed for Ozzy and found him floating in our pool. Lifeless. I ran and grabbed him and my husband came running. He shook Ozzy to try and get the water from his lungs. We started CPR and performed that on him for 40 minutes as we made our way into the vet. The vet told us that they checked his reflexes and there was nothing they could do for him. He was gone. Ozzy was my world. Every moment was about him. I told everyone to “keep your eye on Ozzy”. But I did not do the that. I failed my one true love. I am beside myself. I really do not want to be on this planet and have thoughts of suicide. I can’t eat, I can’t really sleep. The images roll over and over and over in my mind and then I a am sick to stomach. I can’t believe I allowed this. How could I have done this? Why did this happen? Why Ozzy? He was the most kind, gentle, quiet soul. I cry uncontrollably. My family and friends are so worried about me. I am worried about me. I want to give up and not be that person that didn’t watch their dog. I would give anything to have him back. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I’m not even sure we did CPR right, we just tried our best. If you pray, please pray that I can make it. I just cannot believe this happened. We are listing our house today and moving somewhere else. I can’t stand to see that pool and the images of that pool every day. I struggled to move here. I didn’t want want to come and now I know why. My precious, sweet Ozzy. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I was only in the house an a fee minutes. How could he have been gone so quickly. Lord please help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AJWCat Posted October 18, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 18, 2017 Hi Candra, what a truly horrible tragedy. I am so so sorry this happened to you and to Ozzy. I lost my cat over 2 months ago and being in this forum has helped me try to survive it. I understand the guilt you have, the disbelief, suddenness, and utter sorrow. It is incredibly painful. The one thing you can't do is blame yourself. You didn't intend what happened to Ozzy and you didn't 'allow' it although I know you think you did. It was a terrible, terrible accident. You gave Ozzy a wonderful life, you are not "that person" that does not watch their dog. You were very careful and yet this one in a million freak thing happened. My wonderful cat died a sudden and horrific death from (we think) poison when we stayed in a "vacation home" for a few months. We still don't know exactly. And I was so concerned about the house too! I made sure everything was okay - it all seemed perfectly safe and yet somehow... something got him. So I know guilt and regret. I also know all guilt does is destroy you even more, as you grieve for your loss. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. Ozzy's loss is too big. The grieving process (at least for me) was literally day by day sometimes hour by hour. As I said, I had to come to this forum often to write out my feelings and the constant heartache. So, come back and write if it helps. Cry... grieve. My heart breaks for you - please also start to forgive yourself. You lost a wonderful pet and you deserve to mourn what happened, not punish yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maria9 Posted October 19, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2017 Candra, I am so sorry for your Ozzy....I feel your pain and agony and guilt.. Please, please don't take it upon yourself .it was a tragic accident, one of those things that we cannot predict , that happen from one instant to another. AJWCat is right on ,you didn't intend it and you didn't allow it to happen ,in fact you took every measure to ensure this would not happen, because you loved your Ozzy so much. You did not fail him, you were caring ,loving and responsible. Please don't punish yourself, you're a good person who was given a terrible life-crushing blow. Try to take care of yourself even if you think you do not deserve it. The pain of losing a beloved pet is so excruciating ,even without any guilt. But almost everyone who have lost their pets have guilt for some reason,me included. And guilt can eat you alive if you allow it, please don't. The only truth is that you loved your Ozzy and you gave him a wonderful life. I wish I could say something to lessen your pain, I know how hard it is. The journey through grief is long and tough, but we're in this together. Please come here and write often, when you feel like your feelings are choking you, it has helped me a lot. We're here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 19, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 19, 2017 Oh Candra, my heart goes out to you. I, too, had a dog, Fluffy, that met with an untimely accident and died way before his time. If only I'd known he'd sneaked into the van before I went to work. He was in there all day, not a peep out of him, in tremendous heat, while I worked just a few feet away in my office, not knowing. It broke my heart. It was an accident. Unavoidable, perhaps, but definitely an accident. We are so hard on ourselves when we are less than perfect because we know the tragic results. Oh if only we were perfect! If only we could foresee everything, remember everything, do everything we should! I want to lead you to an article that really helped me, a couple of them actually. I hope you make the effort to forgive yourself, even as Ozzy would. You will be with him again, try instead to look forward to that. He would not want you to inflict this pain on yourself. Please do not even think of suicide. I know you don't want to live right now, but consider that it's not so much that you don't want to live as you don't want to go through what you feel you have to if you do live. Please trust me when I tell you that the intensity of this pain will lessen, please give grief a chance to run its course...grief remains but it evolves, we have to give ourselves the chance to adapt to the changes this loss means for us. You would not want to put anyone else through the pain of losing you. You have a husband, mine has been dead for 12 years, there's not a moment he's not on my mind, cherish yours as long as you live, they are a gift.http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CandraD Posted October 19, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2017 AJWCat, Maria9 and KayC...I am so sorry for your losses. As pet parents we do know in the back of our mind that our babies cannot live forever. That isn’t what necessity bothers me, it’s the HOW. I appreciate each of you and the time you took to share your story and your thoughts and suggestions. Thank you for the suggestions of readings. I have read both of them. I wrote Ozzy a letter yesterday asking for forgiveness and did some pretty intense EFT which I am getting ready to do again. I struggle with not being sad. If I see something funny on tv for instance, I instantly think to myself “I should not be laughing about anything, my baby just died”. I hope in time that is something that I can get past. I slept for the first time last night and ate a little bit yesterday. Hopefully baby steps. Monday, I sought a grief counselor and he gave me quite a few ideas. One of them was at night, which is hard for me because it’s quiet, to ask for a guardian angel or guide to help with sleep and dreams. That seems to set up my mind for the night. I wish I could go back in time, ooo what I would give to go back in time. I would give everything that I have for him to be back with me. Please keep praying for my heart and that I may heal from such unbearable pain and anguish. Thank you again for your support and may your hearts and minds heal as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AJWCat Posted October 19, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2017 You are taking all the right steps to deal with what happened, it is good to hear. Writing a letter to Ozzy is a great idea, I might do that as well to my cat. I wrote but it was mostly a diary style, about my feelings. Nights were hard for me too, not eating or sleeping. You will heal, you just take it one day at a time. "Anniversaries" like a week and month later were also hard. Not something I do normally, but the time passage became extremely obvious as I was just trying to survive. I am sending you peace and love. Come back when you want to share or just want someone to "read" your thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CandraD Posted October 20, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2017 Every night I start getting anxious because it’s quiet. Every morning I cry in disbelief. It’s a vicious cycle. Getting his ashes, paw and nose print and locket of hair will be especially hard. Last night we were driving around looking at houses to move into and there was a rainbow. I know lots of people saw it but I hope that was Oz. I spoke with my vet yesterday and he gave me a bit of reasurance. He is spiritual and said he didn’t think this was an accident. Not meaning I did anything but that this was a Divine Intervention. He stated he has seen lately a rash of pets with painful and horrible illnesses that can’t be treated, so the suffering is long and painful. He thinks that Oz could have been headed toward hard times or a long drawn out painful illness. He said “it was no accident”. I have to believe that Oz was taken from me to provide love and comfort to someone who needs his love worse. I have to believe it’s not in vain. I will be starting a rescue organization in his name in the near future so that I can help other rescued pets. Today I go back to work. I’ve got to keep my mind busy. Last night was a bit of a setback. I reluctantly went to a family gathering. My Aunt said to me “well next time you will know not to leave a dog that can’t swim outside by a pool alone”. Unfortunately, she was right. And unfortunately the pain, guilt and nausea returned. I know she didn’t mean it painfully, but she wasn’t being the nicest either. This is the worst pain I have felt in my life so far. I pray my little man has forgiven me and that he visits me often. I read my letter out loud to Ozzy. It felt to me almost like a private memorial. Mainly , EFT I think is what has saved me most. The pain was a 10 on Wednesday, Thursday was about an 8...today, I would say a 6.5. I will be doing the EFT again today until I can say it’s a 0. I would say to anyone going through loss or guilt to try it. Here is a link from the founder of EFT. Emotional Freedom Technique. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 20, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 20, 2017 EFT is good, here are some other links...http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html (there are some good links in this one) I'm glad it;s helping you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maria9 Posted October 20, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2017 Candra I'm so glad you're helping yourself, it is a long journey and you need all the help you can get. Thank you for the EFT suggestion. Your Ozzy loves you, he is listening to you and he knows you love him too.Our pets are still with us .I believe this. I wouldn't be able to go on if I didn't. I know how hard nights are, when we are left alone with our thoughts and our grief and how hard mornings are, when we are facing yet another day without our babies. I am going through this too. As for our guilt , there will always be triggers, something someone says,something you read..... You have to remind yourself how much you cared for your doggie and how much you tried to protect him. This is what counts. I think that your vet was right.I have found these 2 videos, which may help you. Actually this lady's video's have helped me a lot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 21, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 21, 2017 I think starting a rescue is a great idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CandraD Posted October 23, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2017 Hi. I really appreciate you all so much. Yesterday was a week and I held up ok. Today is very hard. I’m still in bed and don’t want to get up. Crying and crying. I know there will be good days and bad days. These videos have been a God send. EFT has saved me to be honest. Writing Ozzy a letter and reading it out loud to him has helped. Signs of the afterlife is helping me too. So hard to not have him around physically. I know he is safe and sound and happy. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve wver experienced. So, I appreciate you all and I pray for peace to enter all of our hearts. Thank you This video is hard to watch but comforting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 23, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted October 23, 2017 Thank you for sharing with us, I'm glad it has brought you some comfort! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alex Mercer Posted October 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2017 Hello Candra, I really feel sorry for your loss. I do feel your pain and guilt also. But all we can do for now is just to be strong enough not to breakdown. I know it's really hard to cope up but we must try our best to be positive about these things. You can try to think of this in a positive way where there must be a very good reason why this happened. Thinking that Ozzy is now on a very good place where he is just having fun and having a very good time will help you ease your pain a bit. In case you'll be needing a grief support, I find this site, pet loss hampton roads, helpful for you, https://thepetlosscenter.com/our-locations/hampton-roads/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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